Grief has become a new friend of mine. She is always following me, both hands on my shoulders, weighing me down. She is constantly pushing me under the water and holding me there. The waves were slapping just above my head. Grief doesn't give you the option to pull yourself out. She forces you to make room for her.
Losing Evelyn is what introduced me to my new friend. Some days, I can still feel her standing next to me. I often find myself turning to talk to her, only to realize she isn't really there. She was my Savior. When Matt found out I was pregnant with her, he was not happy with me. Having her inside me kept him from using me as his personal punching bag. He didn't want to be the one to cause her death; he was constantly telling me if she died, it would be my fault. It turns out he was right. If I hadn't stepped away that night, if I hadn't been selfish, she would still be here. Maybe she could have lived just a little longer.
The day she passed away was the worst day of my life. I didn't know what to do after I laid her down for the last time; I was drowning. I never would have expected a man who hadn't spoken a word to me to be the first one to comfort me. He was the first person to ever make me feel safe. Before him, I was always on edge. I flinched away from everyone. I had nightmares while Matt lay next to me in a drunken stupor. I tiptoed around everything and everyone in my life. Now when I think about him, I feel a wave of drisson run throughout my body. No matter what I did, Daryl Dixon had sunk his teeth in, and I knew I wasn't going to shake him off anytime soon.
I sat up against a tree, feeling the dirt under my fingertips. I watched as my tears hit the ground, making little clumps of mud on the ground. I have been sitting here since Daryl stormed away from me in the stables. I was just across from the front porch when I watched Shane walk up the trail with the collection of our guns.
"Time to grow up." He spoke in an authoritative tone, passing a shotgun to Daryl. He started asking if people had their guns on them.
"Look, it was one thing to sit around and pick daisies when we thought we were safe. But now we know we ain't." He passed another shotgun to Glenn. He was explaining to us that Herschel no longer had a choice.
"Oh shit." T-Dog sounded scared for the first time in days. We watched as Rick and Herschel stepped out of the woods with two walkers on grappling poles. The group took off running towards the pair. They were wrestling to get them to the barn, and all the while Shane was screaming behind them.
"Hey, Herschel. Let me ask you one thing. Could a human being walk away from this?" He fired three shots into the walker that the old man had a hold of. I brought my hand up to my mouth, and Herschel looked broken. Shane fired two more rounds.
"That's the heart and lungs. Why is she still comin'?" He fired three more rounds. My heart was beating out of my chest as I watched the scene unfold before me. Rick screamed at Shane that he had done enough.
"Yeah, you're right, man." He walked up and shot one last bullet into her skull. Her body curled backward, and she hit the ground. The next few moments turned into a scene from a horror movie.
Shane picked up a pickaxe and started hitting the lock on the barn door. We were all screaming at him to stop. He continued to bang on the doors, riling the walkers up. Pulling my pistol, I ran to stand in front of Carl and Lori. I knew what was coming next.
Walker started flooding out of the doors. The few of us with weapons started taking them down one by one. I looked down at a terrified Carl and back up at Lori, who held the same panicked expression as me. She nodded her head at me, and I ran to take my stance next to Glenn. Firing my weapon, I watched as the walkers dropped at our feet.
After what felt like an eternity, they were down. I lowered my pistol and took in the scene in front of me. There were at least 20 corpses in front of us. Blood, teeth, and brain matter were scattered all over the ground. We were all silent, except for everyone panting; our adrenaline was pushed to the limit.
We could hear the breath of another walker creeping out of the barn. The gurgling and scraping coming our way. I watched as a child with a dirty blue shirt made her way out of the door. She looked up at all of us. Her body was pale, and her lips were blue. Her eyes were completely white. Her hair was cut into a bob, and the ends were dipped in blood from the wound on her neck.
It was Sophia.
Everything around us froze. The bugs stopped buzzing. No one was breathing. There was no noise. We were all completely still as we watched her make her way toward us. Carol ran towards her, sobbing. I watched as Daryl grabbed her, holding her back from her baby. I could see the tears brimming in his eyes. Some of us were crying, while others were frozen in place.
Carol's cries ripped through me all the way to my core. I understood her pain. I watched as Rick reached for his weapon. He looked as if he had faded away. He was gone, and something else was taking his place. Rick approached her with a determined look on his face. He slowly pulled his weapon from the holster and cocked it. I closed my eyes as tight as I could get them. There was one final gunshot, and her body hit the ground with a thud.
We just lost another family member.
There weren't very many conversations held in the following hours. The farm was practically silent. No one really knew what to say; we were all acting on instinct at this point.
Herschel ran off, leaving his youngest daughter, Beth, in a catatonic state. In the hours after we noticed he was missing, Rick and Glenn went after him. I made my way to the bedroom, where Beth was lying, staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression. I pressed my hand to her head; she was burning up. I peeked over at Andrea and gave her a desperate look. We made our way into the hall with Lori.
"Lori, her temperature is rising. We need Herschel here." Andrea looked to Lori for answers. She sighed and dropped her head.
"Andrea, can you keep an eye on Carl?" Andrea gave her a quick nod. I knew just where she was headed. As Lori went to walk out of the house, I grabbed a hold of her wrist.
"Lori, are you sure you should be the one leaving?" I looked down at her stomach with a sense of unease. Lori raised her eyebrows at me. "What about the baby?"
"How did you know about that?" She sounded almost shocked at my question. I let out a little giggle and gave her a grin.
"For starters, you're not the quietest when it comes to throwing up. Second, I found the pregnancy test wrapper outside of your tent." She looked like she was about to break down. Pulling her into a hug, I rubbed up and down her back, shushing her. Once she was calm, she pulled back from me and shook away the tears.
"I'll be alright. Just keep an eye out on things here. Okay?" She squeezed my shoulder and walked out the door.
When it got dark, we all began to worry. The three of them hadn't made it back yet. I didn't want anything to do with him, and he was the last person I wanted to ask, but Dixon was nowhere to be found, so I made my way to Shane.
"Shane." He was in the middle of cleaning his gun when he heard my voice.
"What do you want, Grace?" He said my name like he was spitting venom at me. I would ignore it for now.
"Lori hasn't made it back yet. She went after Rick, Glenn, and Herschel." All the colour drained from his face. Slamming his palms, he jumped up and got in my face. Giving me the same crazed look I got on the highway.
"You let her fucking leave?! Where did she go?" Throwing his hands up in the air, my body flinched at his outburst. As I went to tell him she went downtown, Carol beat me to it.
"I saw her heading into town." She stepped to my side, sliding me back a few inches. He turned and stormed off to the car. He pulled out of the driveway so quickly that dirt flew up into our faces. Muttering under my breath, I wiped the dirt from my eyes, turning to Carol.
"Have you seen Daryl?" She asked me. I hadn't seen him since the incident with the walkers. Shaking my head at her, I could feel my face twist into a sombre expression.
"Uhm. I haven't spoken to him. We kind of got into it." She gave me an apologetic look and nodded her head at me. Rubbing my arm up and down, she let me know she would find him and talk to him. I gave her a grateful smile and turned to get some rest.
The Next Morning
I woke up to the sound of a car pulling up the dirt road. Jumping up, I slid my boots on and ran towards the truck. The three men were finally back, but something was off.
"Who the hell is that?" T-Dog pointed to the blindfolded man in the back seat. He was a 'prisoner'. Rick asked us to move into the dining room as Herschel prepared to do surgery on him.
"We couldn't leave him behind. He was going to bleed out." Rick explained. I rubbed my hands over my face and shook my head. I wasn't sure what to think. Glenn explained that it had started to get bad in town. We were all coming up with a plan for what to do with Randall, the teenager they brought back. I heard the door creak open and watched as Daryl walked in. I sucked in a breath as I took in his appearance.
He looked like he had finally washed up. He was sporting a blue long sleeve and his angel-wing vest. He wore tight blue jeans that showed off his leg muscles. I moved my eyes to his face and nearly gasped out loud. He had his hair slicked to the side, and it was out of his eyes. This is the first time I've ever seen him so well rested.
He nodded over to Carol, who returned the gesture with a smile. Scanning the room, he was looking for someone. When his eyes landed on me, I felt a blush creep up to my cheeks. Setting my eyes on the floor, I tried to listen to what was going on around me.
"We should post a guard outside of the shed." T-Dog suggested. Shane started running his mouth about us being back in fairytale land. Rolling my eyes and scoffing at him, I heard a small chuckle come from Daryl. I looked at him, and he had his eyes settled on the ground. Hershel made his way over to Shane.
"Let me make this clear; this is my farm. I wanted you gone, but Rick talked me out of it. Doesn't mean I like it. So do us all a favour and keep your mouth shut." I couldn't help but let the smirk play out on my lips. It was like watching your brother get scolded by your grandfather. I enjoyed every second of it. Giving me one last look, Daryl walked out the door. The rest of us followed behind him.