"I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason." Stanley Baldwin
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XXVI.
Joe continued to stare at Perrie, and he was certain that he wore quite a ridiculous mask resembling a rather stupid fool. He could not understand how she had heard his greatest shame and simply dismiss it as an accident.
In hearing Perrie's response, Joe suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of unease. He was hearing words of tenderness that he did not deserve, and he could only attribute that to Perrie's lack of worldliness, and the protective sanctuary that had been built around her by two loving parents. Perrie didn't know what it was to be out in the world. Perrie didn't know what it was to be in a world where every inch of her was not entirely loved.
And Joe had once blamed Perrie for that. He had used that as justification for his immense dislike of her and his incessant need to battle her with every ounce of his being.
Perrie was simply ignorant, and that was not her fault. Joe could wish with everything inside of him for her words to be true, but wishes, just like fantasies, were simply make-believe.
"I've never wished to fight with you more, Little Imp," Joe mumbled as he hung his head in frustration.
"Why?" Perrie asked simply.
"You don't understand how wrong you are," Joe replied quietly.
"I am never wrong about anything." Joe could hear the humour in Perrie's voice, and it only contributed to the horrible guilt he felt.
Why on earth was he allowing her to try to make him feel better in this moment? What sort of man facilitated something like that after how he had behaved the night before?
"Perrie, I came to apologise to you. I behaved despicably last night, and I took tremendous advantage of you. What I did was unforgivable, and what I have done to you since I have known you is unforgivable, and I would not blame you at all if you truly hated me."
"Do you want me to hate you?" Perrie asked pointedly.
The question flooded Joe's mind as he realised, he couldn't accept her kindness. Of course, Joe did not want Perrie to hate him. Feeling as though Perrie hated him hurt him immeasurable But, when she did the opposite, and offered him her goodness, Joe could not accept that either.
"Joe, I think that someone sometime somewhere told you that you were not worthy of happiness, good fortune, and love, and you believed them."
Joe launched himself up and off of the settee so quickly, that he knocked into the tea table in front of him and sent the urn of flowers that had been atop it flying. The little blue and white patterned vase shattered as it came into contact with the hearth of the fireplace, and Joe flinched at the noise.
Perrie, however, did not move a muscle, and she was still seated delicately, looking up at Joe intently as Joe whipped around to gage her reaction as to the value of the china he had just ruined.
"Was it your father?"
A wave of horrible nausea swirled in Joe's stomach and he needed to be as far away from this conversation as possible. "You don't understand," Joe snapped harshly, before he immediately regretted the tone that he had taken with her.
"No, I don't," Perrie agreed, "but you needn't be angry with me for trying to understand."
Blue eyes bore into brown as Perrie and Joe tried in desperate failure to understand the other. Joe could not comprehend Perrie's patience, and Perrie clearly had not understood how Joe had been the one to destroy his own chances.
Joe forced himself to take a breath, and he silently reminded himself of the purpose of this conversation. He had sought Perrie out to apologise, and that was all. It was not Perrie's responsibility to try and solve Joe's unsolvable problems.
"I'm going to leave this house," Joe decided.
Perrie immediately frowned and recoiled in her seat. "What?" Her voice was filled with astonishment.
Joe nodded, more firm in his decision as each second passed. "I am going to leave. I cannot stay." I do not deserve to stay, was what he meant. Joe could see by simply looking at Perrie that all she wanted to do was understand, and this was not her burden to bear. Neither was it her father's. And Joe had been doing a stand-up job of disrespecting the duke's daughter for long enough.
***
Perrie was in far too much shock to properly formulate an intelligent thought as Joe left her in her father's bedroom. She felt panicked and grief-stricken, of all things, at the very prospect of Joe leaving Ashwood, let alone in the state he was currently in.
Perrie had faced losing Joe once before, and it had been something that she had met with pure and utter elation. Well, she supposed what she thought had been elation.
In knowing what Joe had been forced to endure after living Ashwood distressed Perrie immeasurably. She did not understand how he could sit before her and dismiss any notion of compassion for his circumstances. She could see that Joe did not believe that he deserved any sort of kindness, and Perrie was thankful that she had been brave enough to suggest that someone had made him feel unworthy.
She was almost certain that his father, the viscount, was to blame. Joe would not have reacted the way that he did when it was suggested if she was incorrect.
But Joe couldn't leave. Not like this. Perrie could barely remember now that she had been conflicted in her feelings surrounding the very fact that Joe had kissed her a matter of hours ago. Perrie knew that she would not be able to begin to decide how she felt about that if Joe left abruptly.
Where would he go? Where could he go?
"Papa," Perrie said under her breath, before she cried his name again in a much more anxious tone. Perrie ran to the connecting door between her father's bedroom and her mother's. She passed through her father's dressing room, their shared washroom, and her mother's dressing room, before she burst into her mother's bedroom.
It might have been the early hours of the afternoon, but both of her parents were still in bed. Grace was seated upright in bed with a lunch tray across her lap and her father was still lying down looking rather exhausted. Both of them, however, craned their necks in her direction at the sound of Perrie entering the room.
"Papa!"
Perrie had never seen her father sit upright faster in her life. He had gone from lethargic after the night before, to alert and prepared for battle. He threw back the ben linen and launched out of bed. "What is it? What's the matter? Are you hurt? Are you ill?" Adam reached for Perrie anxiously and gripped hold of hands when she was close enough, pulling her towards him so that he could better appraise her.
"Perrie?" her mother called anxiously as she, too, climbed out of bed.
Perrie looked up at her father and demanded, "Papa, you must make Joe stay. You cannot let him leave this house. I insist upon it. You have to do what you must to get him to stay."
Adam appeared quite dumbfounded before he asked slowly, "Are you hurt?"
Perrie shook her head, frowning.
"For God's sake, Peregrine. You nearly frightened me to death charging into our bedroom like that," Adam breathed a sigh of relief. He then looked behind her to the open adjoining door behind her. "What were you doing in your grandfather's bedroom?"
"That's not important," Perrie muttered nonchalantly. "Papa, did you not hear what I said? Joe is going to leave," she emphasised. "You must go and make him stay this minute!"
"Grace, when did Perrie learn to speak Greek?" Adam called over his shoulder.
Perrie heard her mother laugh quietly behind them, and it irritated her. Why on earth did her father appear amused? And why was he asking such a ludicrous question?
"For she must be speaking Greek as I have absolutely no idea as to what she is talking about. Our daughter certainly cannot be insisting upon Joe Parish staying here when it feels like only five minutes ago that she was plotting his grisly demise." Adam laughed heartily.
Perrie glared up at her father as frustration filled her. "Papa!" she snapped impatiently. "This is not a joke. I am certain that I will return to my murder plans at a more fitting time, but right now I am very concerned. Joe is very upset, and I am worried about him. I don't want him to leave ..." Perrie paused, before she added, "like this. You must force him to stay."
Adam's face softened as he listened to Perrie. "What is worrying you so?" he asked her patiently.
As Perrie opened her mouth to speak, she thought about what was worrying her. How could she tell her father that she had come across Joe in distress and he had kissed her? She could not. How could she explain her sudden change of heart? Why did she suddenly care so much about a man she had hated for so long? She simply did not know how to articulate it.
"Papa," Perrie begged. "Please make him stay. I am so worried ... I am worried about his father." Perrie swallowed loudly, realising the indelible truth in her words. "I do not think he is very good or kind, and I am sorry as I know he is a friend of yours, Papa, but –"
"Do not apologise," Adam interjected. His expression tightened and his lips pursed for a moment. "I have eyes as well, and I know." Adam rested his hands on Perrie's shoulders as a gesture of comfort. "I am sorry for teasing. I understand your concerns, and you are a good friend to Joe, disregarding your homicidal attempts on his life."
Perrie ignored her father's final comment, and stated, "You will make him stay?"
"A blind man could see that there is a problem in that family, and I have your confidence in this moment that my comments will not be repeated, Perrie," Adam murmured. Perrie nodded. "I am aware of it, and I am watching. The viscount is not a friend, but an old school acquaintance, and he wrote me a while ago explaining his son's situation and asked for my help. I believe he had seen enough of our family in the society pages and perceived our connections to those he deemed less fortunate as an act of charity, and in desperation, he applied to me. I knew of Joe as your old school rival, and I felt invested in him before I offered my help to his father."
Perrie felt momentary relief in knowing that she was not the only one who had noticed that Joe's behaviour had changed since his father's arrival. The viscount had clearly meant to take advantage of her father's kind and welcoming nature, but Adam was wiser.
"You will make him stay?" Perrie repeated rather breathlessly.
"Actually, I think that we shall go to London." Adam nodded his head decidedly. "The viscount, myself, and his boys."
----
You know what they say, what happens in London, stays in London ;)
There's also this other cool saying that goes "what happens in London is traumatic and emotional and a total twist-worthy screw with your mind start crying now shit" :)
Get readddddyyyyyy!!!
Happy Easter everybody. It's Good Friday today, which also means I am finally on school holidays. Updates will be a bit more random over the next few weeks and I will update when I can, but I'll hopefully get a few more chapters up.
I'm not going to be pushing myself however as I have been totally burnt out this term and I need to learn how to rest. I'm terrible at that. I can't sit still. I feel guilty for sitting down when there's so many other things I need to do.
Anyway, I'm off to take my lactose intolerant butt to eat more easter eggs. Easter eggs in Australia btw are chocolate, it's a big thing. I've only just realised on tiktok that chocolate eggs at Easter aren't a universal thing!
Vote and comment! Xxx