[𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐎𝐟 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐲 - 𝐒𝐮𝐟𝐣𝐚𝐧 𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐬]
ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.
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✦
⚠️ 𝐓𝐖: 𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 ⚠️
┌───── ✦ 𝟑𝐫𝐝 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ✦ ─────┐
no words were spoken. Both individuals sat beside each other on a rusty bench; whatever happened an hour ago was still hard to process for both of them. Who knew what could've happened if Heeseung's timing wasn't this perfect.
Heeseung had took Sori back to his house, as his grandparents weren't home. He managed to help her walk by holding her arm around his neck, and although she couldn't stand straight by herself, he was able to manage. he lent her a new pair of sweatpants, a jacket and some shoes. he cleaned her scarred knees & wrists, and offered to make her food, despite her unresponsive reaction. She didn't eat or drink, nor did she speak. They both couldn't get themselves to talk about that incident.
Sori was in her own world. Her mind went blank yet filled with little thoughts and voices. Her body felt numb, despite the excruciating pain that swam through her entire figure. She was just.. shocked.
How.. and why?
It was right there.. her chance to finally rest was right there.. she could've easily grabbed it, she could've easily rested without anyone knowing she's gone. It was that easy.
What will happen to her now? What was she going to tell her mother? Will her mother ever know of what Sori tried to do?
┌───── ✦ 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐢 𝐒𝐨𝐫𝐢 ✦ ─────┐
"I'm not going to ask why, but I'm here now.", Heeseung suddenly said, breaking the heavy tension between us. "Use me for your own comfort.", he said before hesitatingly moving a little closer to me, as in to offer me his shoulder.
I slowly turned to look at him, only to find him looking at me already. Our eyes locked; and for a moment I could've sworn I felt my heart beat a little faster. I looked back down at my fingers as I fiddled with them harder.
I was just processing everything; I mean, I didn't know an hour ago that I still would be alive right now. Everything just seemed so strange to me, and at that moment, I only wanted to go to that one place, that always reminds me of how broken I truly am.
"I need to go. Thanks, and I-I'm sorry for causing you any trouble.", I stood up quickly, heading towards the opposite direction of where we were as I rambled a thank you without making any eye contact.
That's when my entire body froze in a holt as my hands were suddenly held, pushing me backwards a few steps behind.
"Where are you going?", Heeseung looked at me and suddenly asked.
"Nowhere.", I went silent for a moment there before answering. My body was still trembling from the cold and his hand just.. felt warm.
I tried to free my hand from his grip but he wouldn't budge.
"'Nowhere' as in..?", he asked again.
"It's none of your business.", I finally blurted out, letting go of his hand and continuing on walking away.
"And how do I know you're not going to go and try to kill yourself again?", he suddenly asked, forcing me to stop in my tracks and look back at his worried face.
It's true.. if I can't even control myself from harming or hurting my own body, then how do I know I'm not gonna go and try to kill my self again?
And on the way to Namyangju's local graveyard together, none of us spoke. I knew that as I soon as we get there I was going to break down in front of him.. again.
✦
Standing beside one another outside that familiar burial ground, I took a shaky deep breath in, preparing myself for the next hour.
"Do you want me to come in with you, or should I sta-"
"You can stay out here, I won't take too long.", I cut him off immediately after I started feeling my cries pile up in my throat.
"Ok then, I'll be out here if you need me.", he replied, and I just nodded, instantly making my way into the graveyard.
I stare at my feet as I walked to that specific tombstone, I didn't want to look at it yet.
I sit on my knees beside it and let my head hang low.
I wanted to speak, to say something, but I just couldn't. I was just so speechless that I couldn't even form any words in my head.
"Hi, Chumson.", I managed to choke out before finally looking at his gravestone; and as soon as I did, I broke down.
"I-I'm sorry, Heeseung. I'm really, really sorry. I really wanted to see you but.. I couldn't.", I stopped for a moment just to take a breath and recollect my thoughts.
"It hurts. Heeseung, my heart hurts. My head hurts, my entire body hurts. I really j-just wanted to rest with you, I really did."
"I'm sorry I always come here and cry to you; I'm just so deeply in pain right now you don't even know how much I am just willing to die and rest."
At this point, there was nothing left to say. My eyes were hurting so bad, I thought I might just become blind. My cuts and scars were throbbing with pain as some of them ripped open once again. My head was pounding so much, I felt as if it was a huge rock on my body just waiting to fall right off.
Pain is all I can say or think about at that moment.
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Barely holding myself up, I make my way out of the graveyard towards Heeseung, who stood outside waiting for me.
As soon as he spotted me limping my way to him, he ran to me and held my arms for support.
"I.. couldn't help but eavesdrop on what you-", he stopped as soon he saw my face as I looked up at him.
"Sori-", I couldn't help it anymore, and I let my head fall onto his chest.
"Just shut up already.", I cried into his chest, as his arms instantly made their way around my shivering body.
We both stood there as I cried and cried in his embrace; crying was never enough for me to let out all that piled up pain in me anyways.
"I'm sorry.", Heeseung whispered, resting his chin on my head as I continued to sob into his chest.
"I'm here now."
✦
Using the door frame as support, I stood outside my house, ringing the doorbell and waiting for my mother's panicking reaction to my current state.
The door flew open as my mom looked at me in disbelief. She instantly pulled me into her embrace and cried.
"GOD WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? Ohh my Sori..", then suddenly she pushed me back and looked at me seriously. "Where? SHOW ME!!"
She suddenly started looking all over my body, and my heart sank even more knowing what she meant. On the table behind her, I horrifyingly see my pill boxes, bandages... and my razor blade.
She knows.
"Mom..", she looked at me, tears filling her tired, red looking eyes.
"How long... how long have you been doing this to yourself?!!"
"Mom, it's nothi-"
She finally raised my sleeves and gasped, covering her mouth when in front of her eyes, lay my large cuts and artworks.
"I don't understand.. why??! Why would you do that to yourself??! ... is it me?? IS IT BECAUSE OF ME SORI??", she fully broke down as she squeezed my arms anxiously.
"No, mom.. it's not your fault, I swear..", I cried again. I couldn't believe that she would think that it was her fault.
She kissed all my scars and hugged me once more.
"Ohh my little dinosaur..", she kissed my head and said. "Mom is so sorry, your mom is so sorry she couldn't take care of you. You don't know how much I was worried about you.. I could've gone crazy if I had lost you.. my sweet, beautiful girl.."
She hugged me to hard, I broke down once again. Her hugs always calmed me.
"You give it to me.. ok?? You give all that pain to me..", she held my face between her palms and said.
"I'm so sorry m-mom.. it was never your fault..
it was all mine."
┌───── ✦ 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 ✦ ─────┐
↷ FINALLY A NEW CHAPTER!!
Honestly, this chapter almost made me cry, especially in that last part 🥹
AND BEFORE ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING-
I did plan this chapter wayyy before that Ginny and Georgia episode aired (if y'all know what I mean) and when I saw the episode for the first time it instantly matched my idea for this chapter, so to be fair I did use some lines from the episode itself, but the overall ideas for this chapter were mine :)
ALSO 520+ READS WHAT?? thank you all so so much for the support (even though I rarely update these days) 🥹💗
anyways, until my next chapter; stay safe, stay hydrated, eat a lot, love yourself, you're amazing, you're beautiful, have a nice day & I love you ◡̈
— 𝟒/𝟒/𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 —
↷ 𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓; 𝟓𝟐𝟓 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐬.
— 𝐋𝐮𝐥𝐮 ✿