Everyone has a feeling deep inside them but it's not about that feeling it's about what they do with that feeling. Feelings can have meaning but sometimes the meaning isn't important it's about what you do in that moment that can make you a good person or a bad one. Sometimes in life you can feel like no one understands you. It's common. I feel it often. Especially when you're different. We've been told to act a certain way, look a certain way, listen, don't speak. People tell us we can't make a difference. That our voices aren't heard because we're young. I disagree. We see the world from a different lens. We are new to this experience and all. I don't understand why people discriminate against good and bad. When we are both good and bad. It's a balance where some people fight their demons everyday whilst some have no battle. But I believe we all have demons inside us pushing us to either do good or bad. But no one understands individual fights between ourselves. Because that's unique to us. Each experience is for us to learn and grow from. The way we deal with things are different whether we decide to be the hero, or the villain is up to us. No one can decide our future for us and sometimes we can feel like we have no choice, but we do. We always have a choice. I choose to fight. I won't sit back, and watch people be pushed around. I won't stand it. But I do always feel for people whose experiences in life break them. The pain they live with. I've been there, but I've come out on the other side. Whether I'm a better person or not is for me to decide. Whether I help people is for me to decide. It is true that some experiences in life can make or break a person. But I believe that at the end of all the healing it can make a person for better or for worse. I choose who I become. What I believe in. And what I do with that information. But as I look around all I see is broken people from a broken system. People who have scars so deep it affects generations to come. A world that is run on hatred and hurting innocent people. Toxic positivity and people who act like they care when they really don't. Whether I'm the villain of my own story it doesn't really matter to me. But going out of my way to hurt others is not what I do. I care. I listen. Even if I don't really care. I feel like if we listen to the world around us and people around us, we could learn so much. If we didn't repress people for being different, we could learn so much from them. But no one's listening. No one except me. That's why I'm different. I listen to my demons. I make them feel heard. For better or worse I believe they can help me or help me see a new perspective. I'm not a mind reader and honestly, I'd hate to be. Seeing people's thoughts would honestly kill me. I don't know how some people can do it. It's scary really. People don't see it or know about it, because people like me who are different are being hidden from the world. Mind readers all around us, reading people's minds out of fun or curiosity while people have no idea, or people who are paranoid that someone knows what they are thinking. They do. And it's scary. I'm not paranoid about it because I can block them out. I know when they try, and I push them out. Call it a gift. But it's a curse. Being different is a curse. We can't live normal lives, have normal relationships or friendships. Our lives mean nothing to our captives. People in our prison wonder how I live day to day. Wonder why I get extra freedoms. I live because of my demons. They are my purpose. I get extra "freedoms" because I have more control, also because the lead captor made me his favourite. I have a guard who follows me around everywhere even in our prison and instead of him protecting me I tell people, when asked, that he's protecting them from me. It's our little joke. He doesn't understand me completely, but he listens and treats me how he would treat a normal person. He stands up for me, listens to me when I'm sad, or confused, or even stuck. He's my only friend that I can see every day. He's the only one who can. The lead captor I can have mixed feeling about. He's a good person but he runs this constitution. So sometimes the lines can be a blur. He cares about me as a friend. But people say he's just using me for my power, but I know the truth. We get along, he lets me be in his office even if he isn't there when I need alone time. He gives me books to read when he goes out. Anything I need. He fulfils. Our friendship isn't give or take, it's both. We both give and we both take. When I get to explore the town, I might buy something for him because it reminds me of him. He always tells me I don't have to and that I shouldn't spend money on him. But he does it for me. He tells me the thought is what counts and no relationship or friendship should be based on the gift and not the thought. I learn so much from him and I feel like he learns so much from me. Two completely different people, brought together by unorthodox reasons, getting to learn from the other. Of course, this has its downsides. The people in this prison hate me for it. Hate me for being friends with not only my guard but the leader. That's what we call him. No names we just label them their positions. Poisons our minds. They say. So, I act like I don't know their names. They label us, so we label them. But not in private. That's the only way we can be seen. When no one knows. It hurts in a way. I can't make friends because of it. Just because someone treats us badly doesn't mean we should treat them the same. Nick tells me that. He says some rules are made to be broken or bent. Not all rules are made for the right reason. I trust him with my life not because he's my guard but because he's given me reason to. He protected me against my parents against the rules and regulations. Almost cost him his job. If it wasn't for Jason. He saw reason for it and told his father so. So, when he stepped up as the leader Nick was okay. They earned my respect and trust. They didn't demand it. I often like to joke around with Jason and call him a murderer he laughs and tells me that it wasn't his choice. I always tell him that he could change it, but he says he wouldn't even know what to change it to and wouldn't want to dishonour his father. His father was obsessed with Jason the murderer saying that killing people with a chainsaw was impressive. I've always thought that Jason's father was messed up in the head and my demons agree especially for idolising a killer. Someone who enjoyed causing harm. In a weird way I think that his father was hoping that he would turn out that way. I'm just glad he didn't.
In questions through my mind, I often wonder why people idolise the hero or the villain they can both be as selfish as the other. The villain could be a rich kid who didn't get what they wanted and turned bad. A hero could equally be a rich kid who turned hero after their parents were murdered. Or a hero could turn hero because they were different, and they liked all the attention. Whilst a villain was outcasted because they were different. So many different perspectives and reasons for being a hero or villain. But they are never casted in the same light. Yes, one may be "good", and one may be "bad" but that isn't exactly true maybe the villain had given up trying and thought that people needed to be punished for what they did. While since the hero was treated better continued to want the attention so punishing someone whose suffered enough pain is right? Just for attention. I don't want to be labelled a hero. I'm not. I hate attention, I hate making people who've suffered suffer more. And I don't want to be labelled a villain because even in my pain and suffering I never inflicted hurt or killed those who've done me wrong. I've been in fights. But only to defend myself. I never start them. People in our prison often hate me because Jason always takes my side in a fight. The guards aren't allowed to touch or hurt me. The only guard allowed to touch me to stop me is Nick. Jason takes my side because he knows I won't lie to him and that I'll tell him the whole truth. I'm lucky that the guards can't touch me it means that I can't hurt them when I do lose control. Or when I did lose control. Jason and Nick don't want me to suffer more than I already do. My past is a dark one, but it makes me who I am. Strong, independent, sarcastic, stubborn and what some men or people in general hate is that I'm also a woman. No one can tame my beast not even me, but I'm learning from my demons and the world how to. People here want to see me fail, corrupt me. Corrupt what Jason and Nick are trying to build for me. A life without pain. A life where I can control my demons and my abilities. In a way this prison is trying to help us whether they are using the right methods or not is unknown. You have the mind readers who have their group and just invade everyone's personal space. Uses any secret they find against you. You have the telekinesis brats who are basically a bunch of spoiled brats who can move things with their mind and create objects. They will throw objects at you. You have the earth movers who can move rocks from the earth and throw them at you or anyone they don't judge. The water princesses are what they like to be called they can move water from anywhere even create it with their fingers. The fire bond who can create fire from their fingers and harvest it from fire supplies, they are actually quite decent people unless they are pyromaniac then things can get a little hectic. The wind harvesters which will quite literally blow you away. They can't control it. The animal patrol these people are just strange why would someone name their group that. They can transform into any animal at all but can't transform into any human. Then you have the weather controllers, lightning, thunder even, rain, snow, hurricanes, tornadoes you name it, but it doesn't change the forecast. They can quite literally throw a lightning bolt at you and make it rain over your head. They all came up with names for their groups. Different people having the freedom to choose their own name for what they want to be known as. Then there's me. I can summon two demons in specific. I can stop everyone's ability if used against me or people I care about. When I lose control an array of red smoke comes out of my soul knocking everyone in its path down. I can't die or well be killed. I can heal. But I cause mainly destruction. Burn down building, hurt people, summon any weapon of choice on demand. I've never killed anyone, but I've come close. Jason tells me that I'm a protector. He says I care, I listen, and I feel. The voices in my head. My demons are all trying to help me to protect those who I care about. That if you think about good and evil that in my brain, I'm good but in my heart I'm evil. Nick always tells me that every time I lose control it's for a reason. The earth talks to me, the nature, the animals, I see people's intentions. I can tell whether someone is telling the truth or lying. I see all the evil in the world which has corrupted my mind. But my heart believes that there's good in everyone and everything. My demons tell me I'm here for a reason. There is only one of me for a reason. The life I've lived has been for a reason. And I believe them. The guards are one of us. But to them they are more trustworthy. The guards are soldiers, bulletproof, can't be killed just like me. Can summon any weapon that they choose, but they can't create their own like I can. I'm similar to a guard but I'm not one of them. But they let me into their group for I have no group. No one like-minded. No one like me. The prisoners don't like it. But they were the first ones to turn me away. Discriminate me for I'm different. Stronger. More powerful. More likely to succeed.
We are all numbered labelled in our groups. The leader is number 1. Listen to the leader. But the Guards run this show so does the leader who isn't one of us. Human purely. Some of the guards are just like him but they can't join the group who call themselves guards. We have soldiers as well who are just like the guards but have no mercy when they kill and don't protect unless they care about the person worth protecting. I've never met a solider. I hope I don't. I fear I'm too similar to them, an in between of guards and soldiers. Show no mercy, no empathy, see what people fear, use it against them. Fear. Everyone in power or has power uses fear to get what they want. Divide us. Torture us. I don't trust people in power who use fear. I hate people who use fear. Pure humans who have control of their own actions who use fear. Who act upon fear. In a way this prison protects us from people corrupted by fear who want to kill us. Who don't understand us. So many pure humans have tried to kill me. I'm different. I'm a woman. I'm strong. Rape, murder, asserting dominance. Not to me. They're too weak. People who tried were left wishing they were dead. Some humans have it easy, some hard. Always trying to force their agenda onto people. Abortion isn't murder.
There was blood everywhere in the hall. All on the ground, down the legs of a mind reader. Crying hysterically. Female guards trying to calm her down. Saying that they'll help her clean up. That it's nothing to be ashamed about. Periods. I've never experienced one in my eighteen years of life. I'm not bound to. My demons say. I may be female, but a period is not coming. No more punishments. I walk over to the guard's table. Knowing I'm not welcome anywhere else. I sit down on the hard wooden seats across from Nick. Watching the female guards guide the young mind reader out of the room and the cleaners cleaning up the blood on the concrete floor. Watching are the smart kids who often call themselves nerds' gossip about how the young girl didn't know what a period was.
"I hate them."
"We all do, they act like they know everything." Nick tells us.
"Everything except how to cross a road." A guard laughs to themselves
"We know they aren't street smart and it's purely logical thinking, but why do they think that they can judge and laugh at the poor child." I speak. It wasn't right. They have no right. The poor girl wasn't even old enough where they taught us this stuff.
"It didn't happen to them. Nova, you know what they are like."
"It shouldn't matter Nick; they should know better." All this anger built up inside I felt it weigh upon me. But I couldn't defend a mind reader. Not against the smart kids who I question whether they are really smart or not.
Nick shakes his head. Knowing I had a point but thought best not to reply knowing that I would react if he gave me his advice. He considered whether or not to tell Jason but we both knew that he could do nothing about it. So, I got up. Nick looked at me questionably knowing I was about to do something, but not out of stupidly. I walked out of the room putting the middle finger up as I went past the smart kids. I heard muffled crying coming from the young girl's room. I don't know why I had to be here. But there was a reason for it, that much I knew. I put the back of my hand up against the door and knocked on the cold hard wood surface.
"Come in" I heard a small quiet voice say.
So, I walked in. The girl looked at me and buried her head back into the pillow. Probably hoping it was one of the mind readers. But she didn't tell me to leave so I sat onto the bed next to her. I rubbed her back as she sobbed. I let her cry. She had every right to. It was a new experience and new experiences can be scary.
"They laughed at me" she said gulping for air. "They laughed, like I should've known. They didn't defend me against them. They equally thought that I was stupid."
"You're not stupid." I speak. "They had no right to laugh. Something like this is completely normal. They should've defended you. But they treat everyone like outcasts."
"The mind readers treat you like an outcast?" The girl questioned. "Do the smart kids do that too?"
"Child, everyone except the leader and guards treats me like an outcast. Even the smart kids they can't calculate how I exist, so they ignore it, like every miss calculation that they have made. No one is perfect even if they act like it. People judge and people laugh. Some accept you and others don't its life. And sometimes life isn't fair." I explain.
"What does it feel like. To not be accepted. To be an outcast?"
"I don't know, I'm not completely alienated. But I'm used to be treated differently and honestly, I couldn't care less. I'm saving myself the struggle of facades that people have. But everyone deals with things differently." I explain. Not knowing the feeling of not being accepted is something that I'm grateful for. I don't know how I would cope.
"Have you gotten your period?" The young girl questions.
"No, but I'm different from you. I may be female, but my skills, mind, and abilities are different. Somehow, I'm lucky enough to not deal with that or go through that. But that could also be a disadvantage. Depending on how you look at it."
"Can you get pregnant".
"You ask too many question" I say as I walk out the door not wanting to answer such question.
The young always ask questions that can be invasive. Or just questions I don't want to answer. Whether I can get pregnant or not is not my concern for I am still young. Still coping with the reality of this world. I have too many other concerns to worry about. Too many unanswered questions to think about. Questions to where I need to find the answer for. Rather than be told. In order to gain experience, one must live it and find their own solutions to the problem instead of being told the answer. To learn and to grow is in the problem and not the solution. I walk around aimlessly not having a clear destination in mind. Well, I thought. I knocked on Jason's office door. No reply. Knock again. Still no response. I open the door ajar and peek in. No one's here. I guess my question won't be answered. But why did I come here? I walk into his office closing the door behind me. Looking for any clue that he could have left to his whereabouts. None. No note. Nothing.
"Open his desk." One of my demons said. "Open it now."
I reached for the first draw to his desk. Hesitating for I didn't want to intervene in his work, or go through his stuff, that wasn't right.
"Open it. Now!"
"I-I can't." I stuttered.
"You can. Trust us Nova. He left something in there for you to find. You're meant to open that draw. Meant to be here at this time." My other demon said.
So, I slowly opened the draw feeling less like I'm intruding on his privacy. Inside I see a file. Taking it out I sit on his chair. Opening the file, I see a picture of a young man. Short brown hair, strands covering his left eye, chocolate brown eyes looking directly into my soul. Lean and muscular figure. Perfectly sculpted jawline. Perfectly sculpted. Who is this man? Why would Jason want me to find it. Why did I want to find this man? So many more questions. This beautiful man had a dark aura around him. I could sense it. Yet even with it I had a desire to search for him. To meet him. I didn't know what was happening to me. Part of me wished I never saw this picture. But part of me wanted to keep it. My stomach dropped. Solider. He's a soldier. I read over that word thousands of times. It explained the dark aura around him. Explained the lack of emotion behind his beautiful eyes. I shut the file. I had to stop thinking about him. But the picture was already imprinted in my mind.
"Read the file. He's yours." My demons said.
I had to oblige. So, I opened the file again. Flipped the picture around to stop myself from thinking about him. It didn't work. All I found in the file was the fact that he was a solider, 20 years of age, strong, independent, and always got the job done. That sentence gave me chills.
This man is brave. He always gets the job done. Always follows orders unless he objects. He is a strong leader and a weapon to take seriously. Do not mess with this man.
They thought of him as a weapon but that's probably in my file as well. I never wanted to meet a solider, yet I wanted to meet him. I felt like I had to. But soldiers are dangerous. I'm dangerous. But... so many conflictions. Did Jason want to find him? Is he coming here? I needed to know the answer. So, I guess I had to find him. I put the folder back into his desk exactly where he left it. I ran into Nick on my search. He nearly fell over. One look at me and he knew exactly who I needed to find. So, he grabbed my arm and lead me to the meeting room. Knocked on the door and a strange man opened it. Like I was expected to show up at any minute now. Welcomed us both in. Jason looked at me and looked over to the man who was in the photo. He was even more breath taking in person. I had to physically stop myself from walking over to him. Instead, I walked over to Jason with Nick on my trail.
"I'm assuming this is the one." The strange man said.
"You assume correct general." Jason replied quick and blunt.
His reaction had me concerned whether this general was good or bad. I didn't like him the moment I saw him. The file. The way he referred to me. This must be the person who wrote it.
"She doesn't look dangerous." The general said.
"Looks can be deceiving. You of all people should know that general." Jason responded just as blunt as before.
"Yes. But she. She looks so innocent. A child. My weapon looks way more deadly." The general had said snarly.
I don't know when I lost control all I know is that it happened. Red smoke had swarmed around me. And I had the general pinned against the wall. My hands restraining his throat. I don't know why I lost control whether it was because he called the solider a weapon, rubbed me up the wrong way, or the way he answered Jason. All I knew is that this general was a coward. Whimpering against my grip.
"Get her off of him." One of his men commanded.
"I wouldn't touch her if I were you." Jason warned.
But they dismissed his warning and reaped the consequences. They were thrown against the wall but not by me. My demons. You could hear the fear in the room. Smell it even. But one person didn't move. Or budge. The solider. He looked over at Jason and Nick questionably. He knew that'd seen this before and that they weren't harmed for a reason. I felt him moving towards them. The hairs on my neck stood up. Knowing he meant them harm. Throwing the general across the room. Just missing him. I then stood between him and them. He looked into my eyes, like he was looking into my soul. I saw a small smile appear on his face as he looked at me. Never breaking eye contact. He touched my shoulder with his right hand. In a matter of seconds, he had me pinned against the wall. My demons stood there watching. No one moved at all. I knew he didn't mean me harm. I could tell by the way he was watching me. Like he was waiting for me to regain control. In which I did. The general saw this in which he wanted to take advantage of this moment.
"Kill her." He commanded as if he was in control.
"No." The soldier said looking the general dead in the eye.
The fear in the general's eyes showed me how much he feared this man. I should fear him. But I didn't instead I felt... an odd feeling, like I was safe. Like I was protected.
"She means no harm to you general, unless you get on the wrong side of her." Jason said.
"She tried to kill me!" The general exclaimed.
"But she didn't." Jason answered.
"You told me she had control over it." The general said angerly.
"She does." The solider said dripping in anger. "You just don't know how to control yourself."
The general looked shocked. His best warrior defending another. His 'weapon' defending another 'weapon'. A soldier actually protecting someone. Whispers echoing in the room. My face inches away from his. He turned his attention back to me. Soldiers only defend someone worth protecting. He must feel this too. Still having me pinned against the wall I could see he had no intention of moving. No intention of letting me out of his sight. His anger was only to protect me I could see it, in his body language to his eyes. But as he looks at me, I had noticed his expression soften. This definitely wasn't how I pictured meeting a soldier. But I guess in all fairness I didn't imagine meeting a soldier, so it was left out in the open. No one responded. It went silent. There were eyes on the general and there were eyes on us. Mine. My demons had said earlier. They knew about this. Knew about him. Even though he was right in front of me, and I had read his file I didn't know him. Even though it felt like I had and like I do. I felt his hand on my shoulder relax but kept in place in case anything happened. Nothing did. But my main concern is why was I here? Why were we both here? Those questions were about to be answers.
"General, due to concerns about soldiers I'll happily allow them to stay here. No harm will come to them. As I hope no harm will come to those here." Jason had stated but my main concern was the fact that there was going to be more.
"Yes... t-t-that I'm glad to hear." The general stuttered. "And with the leadership of Aiden I assure you no harm will come to those you home. As well as your Nova. I doubt there will be any carnage."
"Good." Jason said. "I look forward to see how things go, Nova is strong, so I know she'll keep Aiden and the rest of them out of trouble."
Aiden looked at me questionably and I look at him like I just heard the worst news possible. He wanted me to keep the soldiers in line. Me. The one who is currently being pinned to the wall by a solider. Aiden laughs softly at me as if reading my mind, moving his hand off of my shoulder and moving to the side of me. Our shoulders touching but I wasn't going to move, and I knew he wouldn't either.
"Looking at Nova I can definitely see that she can handle herself. But I fear you must have high hopes for her keeping soldiers in line. They are stronger than you think." The general answered.
"You're underestimating her general. Nova is the only one of her kind, She's way stronger than anyone." Nick stated.
"He has a point general. Nova can be referred to as similar to both a guard and a solider. Both of those who are strong. But Nova has proven herself to be stronger." Jason said backing Nick up.
"If you trust her Jason, the I guess I have no other choice than to trust her as well." The general spat.
Aiden looked at me as if he knew what he had just said would trigger me. It did. I looked at Aiden back in a way assuring him that he didn't have to stop me from going to the general's throat again. The general who saw this exchange looked horrified. His best soldier trusting in one that he thinks is weak. Almost giving way to the point that Aiden wouldn't protect him again if I lashed for his throat. That instead if the general said or did something bad against me that he'll lash for his throat instead. I had so many mixed feelings. I hadn't lost control in years. But I guess I did prove a point. But was it for the better? I could've stopped Aiden pinning me against the wall, but I didn't. I knew the answer to why. So, I stopped questioning it. From what used to be two is now three, but Aiden won't just be a friend. There was no intention of friendship from the beginning. Something more, which in turn would be more rewarding, more intense than I could ever imagine. A solider who's stolen my heart the moment I laid eyes on him. I looked over at Aiden not knowing what to expect. Or what to think. Had he read my file too? All I knew is that I had one, the contents unknown to me. Maybe I'll ask Jason about it later. I knew Aiden had read it when he looked back at me. He knew who I was before I walked through that door, like I knew who he was. The only difference was that he knew my name. But it hadn't been said. I hadn't heard him say it or how it would sound if he did. My mind used to be filled with something useful, so many thoughts about different things, that is now filled with him, and useless scenarios which is ruining my thinking. Useless scenarios which I couldn't stop thinking about. No matter how hard I tried. And he knew. As a smile creeped across his face and disappeared as quickly as it had come. As I looked into his eyes, I wished I knew what he was thinking, but he never gave way. Didn't let me see. So, I listened instead. His eyes were deceiving but his body language gave way to truth. His shoulder touching mine. His warmth flowing off his body to mine, His hand brushing mine whether an accident or purposeful was beyond me. The way he shielded me from the general's men told me all I needed to know. He'll protect me. I'm worth protecting. He made me feel special. There are barely any cases where soldiers protected anyone and here, I am beside one whose protected me. No feeling could match the one I was feeling. I was special.