Author's Note: Part of this is based off the legends video game, Republic Heroes. :)
~ Amina Gila
It's thrilling to be back out in space. He never realized how much he missed it until he found himself here, above Ryloth, leading the attack that Ahsoka would once have done herself. He would much rather be on Coruscant, though – he just finished successfully testing the deactivator for the inhibitor chips and carrying it out in full, meaning the clones are now free, and installed the camera in the Works which will record Sidious and Dooku's next meeting. They seem to meet frequent enough, anyway, though it may be a a while yet.
Either way, duty calls, and he was sent off to cut through the defenses above Ryloth so Obi-Wan and Master Windu can get through to help the Twi'leks. Especially after what he did here as Vader, it feels like he owes them this. He owes everything to the galaxy, it seems, and he'll never make up for it, but it doesn't matter, because he's trying now.
And he's wrapped himself in the Force, letting it guide his fighter, nudging the clones in the right ways to avoid the blaster shots.
Anakin feels it when the Separatists call for reinforcements, and they turn back instantly, heading back towards the cruiser. He's deep enough in the Force that he can feel everything, every last move of the shuttles around him, the vulture droids as they hurtle towards them through space, the incoming ships as they jolt out of hyperspace, the Separatist General's smugness at his seeming success, Ahsoka frustration that she wasn't allowed to come even as she stands, commanding however she can... In the physical realm, Anakin twists his fighter around, Artoo whistling, and they take out another group of vulture droids that was closing on the clones before zooming forwards to catch up.
They took out one of the smaller Separatist ships, which is good, but there are many more forces exiting hyperspace, that completely outnumber them. Anakin nudges another fighter aside, sparing it a shot that would have been fatal, right as they reach the cruiser. Beside them, one of the Republic cruisers is struck by oncoming laser fire, the shields breaking down, and Anakin can't find it in himself to reach out far enough and stop it.
The first of the damage causes no fatalities, at least not instantly, and it's not until he's certain the squadron is safe that he reaches out, feeling, letting his mind run through the intricacies of the other ship. The shields failed, and it's suffering extensive damage now – it's nothing that has not been fixed in the past, but Anakin remembers what they did before, and he knows it would not be worth it to fix it. Not when it can serve another purpose.
Master Windu calls right after they make the hyperspace jump to safety, demanding an update, and Anakin can't deny feeling smug that he can assure him that despite the lack of progress, he has a plan, one he knows will work, even if it costs them a cruiser.
It feels oddly freeing to be back here, rewriting time to be as he wanted it to be, as he has always wanted to change everything that he... messed up.
As for Ahsoka, she doesn't seem much happy about the fact that Anakin is going to be left in an escape pod no matter how many times he points out that he's not defenseless.
"What if something goes wrong?" Ahsoka demands.
"Whatever it is, you and Rex should be able to handle it. I will be right there."
"If we can pick you up fast enough," she retorts doubtfully.
"I will be fine," Anakin assures her, "But you must carry out the rest of the plan."
She still doesn't seem any happier, but Anakin calls Rex over to tell him about it before they can keep arguing. It's only wasting time they don't have.
Anakin reaches deeply into the Force again, feeling the Separatist commander's confusion and then horror, when he realizes the cruiser is about to go straight through him. It's also the first person he's going to knowingly and willingly be killing, and he... doesn't know how to feel of that, especially not as he feels the life blinking out of existence, as the ships collide.
It doesn't feel like he should have the right to decide another's fate like this, orders or not. That's all he did for years, and... he knows that it was the will of the Force, but it doesn't feel like he should have done it anyway. He doesn't want to keep doing this, he realizes with a start. After the war is over, after Sidious had been dealt with... he doesn't have to stay, even if he doesn't know where to go. It doesn't matter right now, though.
Anakin tries to keep his focus on the mission instead, even if that doesn't make it easy, nudging aside any laser bolts that come too close, and doing the same for the clones to keep them safe as best he can from afar. They're free now. Free – as he always wanted them to be. As they deserve. If only they could know it as he does.
They break through the remaining Separatist forces easily after that, calling Windu and Obi-Wan that it's ready for their arrival. The ground invasion was hard last time. Anakin can only hope he and Ahsoka will be able to make it easier from space.
***
His inability to sleep is driving Rex insane. It's driving everyone insane, actually. Ahsoka and Kix, too. He often forgets, and he's accustomed to exhaustion, so he doesn't often realize he has to rest. And when he tries, his sleep is plagued with constant dreams. He wants to see Luke again. He wishes he could get to know Leia. They're strong in all the ways Anakin can only wish he was. In all the ways he's trying to be, for them.
He wants to be someone they would be proud to call their father.
He can never be someone Obi-Wan would want to call his padawan, but he can... try. He can always try, though he's exhausted enough to be tired of trying.
He's doing this for Luke and Leia, anyway. Not for his master. Not anymore. Not... again.
He won't try, because he knows there's no longer a point.
But none of that helps with his nightmares, especially when he often dreams of his own death and the events surrounding it. Sometimes, in some of his worse moments, he dreams of Luke dying instead, or Leia being there. She will never know how much he loved her, and he regrets that most, because he knows himself how it feels to be unloved by the person who mattered most to him. All in all, it makes sleeping hard, especially when he surrounded by war and violence like he is right now.
He's not killing people, but he's still responsible for their deaths, and he doesn't want to have to deal with this anymore. Ahsoka would be better off without him, either way. He'll... leave, as soon as Sidious has been stopped, though he can't deny suspecting the galaxy will spiral into chaos, either way. The Empire is necessary for order to be established. That is another thing he fears, because he knows the Council will never allow that. All he can do is follow the Force now. Perhaps he can talk to Padme, but...
Either way, it gives him time to spend with the clones, and this is, for the first time in years, reminding him of what it meant to be human. He forgot how comfortable he was around them over the years, and it's relieving to feel freed like this. He had forgotten what it was like to be with others.
He could never consider another on the same level as him, but in society, it's... similar.
Anakin can feel the twisting urgency in the Force – they've been on Ryloth for weeks now, and something is happening – they must return to Coruscant as soon as possible, but that won't be right now, or a while, as he and Ahsoka go to the surface to clean up the remaining droids. He remembers that this mission went downhill last time, but he still wasn't entirely expecting it when Cad Bane shows up.
He's after a gravatic core, and suddenly, Anakin thinks he faintly remembers something about that. It happened right before they encountered a weapon that could destroy stars. Something he suspects Sidious had built in preparation for the Death Star, but he could be wrong.
They just finished cutting through a group of droids, and Anakin senses Bane planning to try shooting them, but he's otherwise preoccupied. The far greater danger is the... pieces of debris falling on them. Anakin catches them with the Force and tosses them aside, followed by an enormous creature in some sort of armor flying up.
"Bane? I didn't think even you were foolish enough to steal from me," he says.
"Pity you didn't go down with the ship, Teska," Bane retorts.
"Friend of yours?" Anakin queries dryly.
"Competitor," he replies, unimpressed.
"For a common thief, you keep strange company, Bane," Tesla retorts, "Hand over the crate." He fires a cord from the device in his arm, latching onto the crate, lifting it in the air.
Anakin catches the crate and yanks it back, throwing it into the ship to get it out of the way. Ahsoka throws a piece of debris at Bane to keep him down when he tries to make a dash for the ship. "It is not his to hand over," he retorts firmly.
"You don't even know what it is, Jedi," Teska retorts.
"If it's that important, we're keeping it."
"I already killed two Jedi and a station full of clones to track that down. Two more won't be a problem."
Ahsoka's eyes widen, likely remembering the disturbance in the Force they'd felt earlier. "Master Plo!"
"They're fine," Anakin assures her, "I sense them."
It would be easy enough to kill Teska right now, right here, but he doesn't do that anymore. It's not his choice to decide the fate of another. If there was hope for him, there could be hope for anyone, and he won't... do that.
Teska starts shooting at them, and Ahsoka darts forwards, deflecting the blasts.
Anakin crushes his blaster with the Force. It's the fastest way of going about it, but he knows Teska will have something else planned to slow them down. Rex arrives, none too soon, shooting at the Skakoan, who makes a dash for the ship after trapping Anakin and Ahsoka in an energy field, as if that could do something to slow him down.
Anakin catches the energy barrier, straining against it with the Force, tracing it back to its source and flicking it off. He reaches past that, catching the ship as Teska fires up the engines, forcibly keeping it on the ground. The Skakoan had well been prepared to fight ordinary Jedi, but Anakin is no ordinary Jedi, and he never has been.
He's exhausted, but not too much to fight. Not too much to cut his way through the side of the ship to where Teska is and get him out, not too much for the clones to stun and restrain him.
"Do you think he was telling the truth about Master Obi-Wan and Master Plo?" Ahsoka asks quietly, shuffling.
When Anakin glances at her, he realizes with a start, for what feels like the first time in a long time, that that she looks so small. He remembers how skinny and small she was when she first came, but it's just...
And he really doesn't know how to ask if she's alright, if she... needs anything. They're short on supplies already, and they're having to stretch rations thin. It worries Anakin, because he doesn't know how that'll affect her. It hadn't been easy for her in the past, sometimes.
Either way, he's relieved when they finally get a call through to the station in question. Obi-Wan is fine as he always is, but that does little to calm him. He remembers far too well what... it was like to feel their bond shattering in the future. It had left him feeling just numb for a long time afterwards. The thought of anything happening to Obi-Wan even now – despite everything that's come between them – is... He can't let anything happen to him. Not if he can help it.
But it's always disturbing to remember that it was this... fire that destroyed everything.
Anakin turns his focus back to the meeting, as one of the clones plays back an intercepted transmission between Teska and Dooku – of a plan to create a weapon with a gravatic beam to destroy planets.
It's for Naboo.
He remembers this suddenly, with jarring clarity. The entire planet could have been destroyed, and –
Suddenly, another hologram flickers on next to the others.
Padme.
For a moment, all Anakin can do is stare at her. It's been a long time.
They haven't spoken to each other since right before he left for the fronts. He knew he would see her again, but it's unexpected that it's happening now. It's finally sunk in that she's alive, but being around her is like... something out of a distant past.
And he doesn't know how she feels about it – especially given the way her gaze lingers on him for a few moments before she starts speaking. He imagines she's... far from happy. From what she remembers, they only married months ago, after all.
He doesn't want to hurt her, but being around her is – that would likely hurt her even more. No matter what choice he makes, he'll hurt her. That seems to be the one thing he excels at, though. (And he needs to stop thinking things like that about himself.)
Perhaps later they can... talk, and he'll figure out what to do then.
"I've discovered a secret Separatist base here on Belpour near the Naboo sun," she reports, "There's a lot of activity. It looks like they are – " She cuts off sharply, looking around, "I've been spotted –"
The transmission abruptly ends at that.
She'll be alright, he reminds himself at his instant flare of worry. At least she should be. This is what happened last time, and things should be better if anything because they already have Tekla, but he doesn't know that. They need to get there as soon as possible.
It's expected when Windu tells him and Obi-Wan to go together, while Ahsoka goes with him.
This is... the first real mission Anakin's had side-by-side with Obi-Wan – alone, at least – since everything.
He's getting more used to not feeling like he needs to be constantly hyperaware of everything Obi-Wan is doing – without fear of being stabbed in the back – but the mere feel of that presence still sets him on edge, most of the time.
Still, he never realized how much he missed this, as he and Obi-Wan make their way across the planet's surface, jumping between the floating platforms in the acid river. They need to take out the shield generator to disable the weapon.
Being with him like this is... almost comforting even if he doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't know what his former master will say when he leaves the Order. Will he be upset? Will he...
Anakin doesn't know, but it doesn't really matter. He's already accepted Obi-Wan will always be disappointed in him.
Even if, sometimes, this Obi-Wan seems very different than the one he used to know. He doesn't remember his Obi-Wan ever showing him the occasional... consideration or physical affection that this one has. There were times of course, but – whenever he thinks of the past, what he remembers most of all are Mustafar or the Death Star or... Jabi'im. (Or Mapuzo, and he really does not want to think about that, preferably ever.)
"What's your plan for taking down the shield?" Obi-Wan calls, as they finally enter the complex, only for the droids to promptly ambush them.
"I will handle it," he answers, sprinting forwards, throwing one of the attacking MagnaGuards over the ledge, and running for the controls.
He pulls the second one's electrostaff away with the Force, slashing it in half as he goes. Obi-Wan is fighting off a couple – but he should be more than capable of handling that and everything else. Anakin cuts through the controls, and it sparks before abruptly dying.
Only for an alarm to start blaring.
What? Obi-Wan didn't take care of that already?
"I thought you were going to disable the alarm!" Obi-Wan yells, finally cutting through the last droid fighting him.
"I assumed you handled it," Anakin calls back, because well, any of his men would have handled that immediately in the past. They really aren't used to working together anymore, are they? If they ever were. It hurts to think about again. Everything with his master keeps reminding him of the past. Maybe that's what makes being with him so hard. If they were around each other more, that may change like it did with Ahsoka, but... he can't imagine ever being able to let go of what his master did to him.
"The mission didn't need to get any more difficult," he huffs, turning and slashing through the alarm – even though it's a little late for that now.
It's not long before Master Windu and Ahsoka arrive on speeder bikes. "Snips, I'm glad to see you made it in one piece," he greets her, and she jumps off.
"Can't say the same about the droid army," she replies cheerfully. "Too bad you missed all the real fighting."
"Don't say that so fast," he chides, "We're just getting there."
"I sense Count Dooku somewhere within," Obi-Wan says, turning to Master Windu.
With a jolt, Anakin realized that he had, too – he'd been taken up enough with the mission, with Padme, with everything, that it'd somehow slipped his mind that the dark presence in the Force was Dooku. But he can feel it the moment he knows to look, calling out to him like a beacon. It's – both Sith – are dark and wrong in the Force. They're dark in a way of being unnatural. They're anomalies, and one the Force twists and shudders with, as if calling someone to erase it.
But that is not something Anakin could do, not anymore.
Especially not remembering last time when he'd killed Dooku, under Sidious' orders.
"Dooku is here?" Ahsoka yelps, looking around, "Now?!"
"It would appear so," Obi-Wan replies, "And it's a too good opportunity to pass on."
"This weapon is still a threat," Windu objects, "I will face Dooku. Skywalker, come with me."
He can only hope the others will be okay, but it doesn't really matter – he has orders, and instincts kick in, demanding that he follow them to completion.
It doesn't take half the length Anakin expected it would for them to track down Dooku. It's not hard, either. He isn't exactly hiding, and they're actively searching for him. Besides, even if he tried to hide, there would be nothing he could do against the newfound strength Anakin has. He doesn't remember being half this strong – it must be from what Obi-Wan did to him, and it forced him to reach deeper into the Force, so he is no longer as overwhelmed by it as he once was.
"Master Windu," the Count greets lightly, though his gaze lingers on Anakin longer, "I am pleased that your duties have not kept you from visiting this facility. It is most impressive, is it not?"
Years ago, Anakin might have had a comeback to that. Now, all he does is throw a glance at the Jedi Master, waiting to be told to attack.
"Our forces have complete control of this base," warns Windu, "It's over."
"You overstate your position, Master Windu."
Eight MagnaGaurds drop down around them. Anakin draws his lightsaber, unconcerned. Eight isn't half what it could be. It's not nearly enough to strain him.
Master Windu has his own lightsaber out, and Anakin takes when he first moves as his own cue to attack. He rips the electrostaff away from one of them with the Force and swings around, throwing it back at it with a touch of the Force. As Vader, he could've relied on his physical strength, with a metal shoulder and all, but he doesn't have that now. The crackling of electricity makes those memories more real, though.
Too real.
It's just the sound, though, and he pushes past it, through his fear.
But he still remembers being at the receiving end.
Anakin lashes out with the Force next in lieu of using his lightsaber, lifting three and flinging them over the edge into the acid below, before they advance on him enough to use his weapon. He jumps over them, cutting two more in half from behind before briefly engaging two of the remaining ones.
The fight is short and fierce – it's not hard for Anakin to find their weaknesses and destroy them, and Master Windu gets through his own just as fast.
They turn to Dooku, who immediately unleashes a blast of Force-lightning on them. Anakin blocks it with his lightsaber purely on instinct, unable to suppress the flare of blinding panic he feels upon seeing it again. Sidious used it on him all the time, and as Vader, he would let that fear fuel him, but he can't... indulge in it anymore, so he has no idea how to handle this.
What shakes him from his spiralling panic is when the structure trembles violently. It must be collapsing from whatever Ahsoka and Obi-Wan did. He can only hope they'll make it up here with Padme on time.
Dooku lets up the lightning when the structure tilts sharply and he starts sliding for the acid river below. Windu leaps for the waiting ship, and Anakin immediately follows – maybe he could have done something to stop Dooku's escape if he were able to think fast enough, but he's still trying to force the feel of the lightning burning through him from mind.
"He will escape," Windu says, annoyed, as he looks down.
"I will find the others," he decides, and takes off back into the facility.
It's not until the danger is over that Anakin can take the time to stop and think about everything that just happened. Padme is alive again, and she's here in front of him. They talked before, but... seeing her overwhelms him with shame. He doesn't want to risk talking to her, and besides, it was her that led him down a Dark path, anyway. He doesn't want to risk being around her to cause something like that again. She had warned him that their relationship would only bring harm, but he didn't want to believe her. Now, all he can do is avoid her gaze.
Ahsoka is eyeing him, worried, but he can't look at her, either. It feels wrong and fake to be around Padme. With Obi-Wan, they have problems, but it's nothing like it is with Padme. At least it doesn't entirely feel like a lie.
He doesn't know how to interact with her. With Obi-Wan, he's been alive for almost Anakin's entire life as Vader. Padme was gone that entire time. Accepting otherwise isn't easy.
And now she's looking at him like she's expecting him to say something, and he doesn't know what.
"Is it always going to be like this?" Padme asks finally, not quite shortly.
"Like... what?"
"We haven't spoken since you left over a month ago. I know what you said about the future, but it hasn't happened here. We're still married." He can feel her frustration.
As if it matters if it only happened in the future, it doesn't change that it's all real for him. But he knows for her, it's not. She can't understand why things changed, and he wants to say something to at least make her feel better. "I know," he says quietly, "I... didn't know if you wanted to speak with me." And I'm not comfortable with it either, he doesn't add. Being around her is making him feel things that he hasn't in years, and it scares him, because he knows what happened last time and...
He just doesn't want that with anyone, ever. It doesn't matter if it's Padme. It's just... foreign. Touch is foreign. He can't... have that relationship with her anymore – no matter how much he wants to see his children again.
"I want to know what happened," Padme replies, "What you did."
His heart skips a beat at the thought of trying to explain it to her. "Everything. Everything Sidious asked of me."
"But why?" she demands, "You knew better than that."
It's worse, he thinks, than when he confronted Obi-Wan again. Padme is the person who he did everything for, and she... she doesn't care. Of course, she doesn't, because she knows there are things in the galaxy that actually matter, unlike him, no matter how much he wants to.
Except he... does, still. Somehow. At least he mattered to Luke.
He matters to the clones, who are still blindly loyal to him.
He matters to Ahsoka, who was... willing to change herself for him, and he'll never stop being touched by that, no matter how stupid it was of him to ask her to change her outfit.
He just doesn't matter enough to Padme. And that's fine. He shouldn't.
He betrayed her. But it's not as if she didn't betray him, either. She still brought Obi-Wan to Mustafar to kill him, and even if she hadn't, she was still lying about his... intentions, and there's no way she didn't know what Obi-Wan would want after what just happened. Anakin had sensed her deception then, and he... couldn't trust any of what she was saying anymore.
Of course, she hasn't done that here, but if she did in the future, it's still... possible. And he's not her Anakin anymore, anyway. Whatever she wants to see him as, he's not and can't be.
"I didn't believe I had a choice. I... knew what I was doing. I didn't know how to stop. I didn't think I could." In the end, all he needed was permission to do it, the understanding that he's somehow capable of doing what Obi-Wan never did, and letting go of that was... what helped him move on.
"I don't understand," she says finally, flatly. "You don't hesitate to do something if you know it's right."
"The... lines between right and wrong were blurred," he answers, "I have no excuse for what I did."
"What now?" Padme asks, "What will this mean for us?"
"I don't know," Anakin replies quietly, scrubbing a hand over his face. He doesn't want to be having this discussion. He doesn't know how to talk to her or anyone anymore. He... feels lost, and there's no one he can turn to for help anymore.
Not now. He's alone, whether he likes it or not, no matter how much it hurts.
And because of that, he somehow needs to figure out how to talk to her.
"I... don't know how to be what you want me to be," he confesses.
She frowns, almost stung. "I don't want you to be anything other than who you are, Ani."
He shakes his head. "That's not true. No one wants me to be what I am. I don't even know what I am."
"You're my husband."
"I'm so much more than that." And none of them are things you'll ever stand for, because you're far too good for that, far too good for me.
"Maybe," she concedes, reluctantly. And there's really nothing more to say, is there? "Promise me you'll call more frequently."
He truthfully doesn't know if he can do that – even thinking about her is hard, and seeing her is so much worse. But she's asking, and he can't refuse her that. He owes her far more than this. "I will," he assures.
At least he can try. That's the most he can offer.
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