(warnings: discussion of sexual assault, self-hatred, astra breaks down, she also blames herself)
☆
coming back from quidditch training, james headed down the corridor, broom tucked under his arm as he passed a group of ravenclaw girls. they were all giggling together in a small, tight circle, like they wanted their words to be secretive. however, the loudness of their voices contradicted the tightness of their little circle.
"i can't believe it! i thought black hated him!" one of the girls, with black hair, gasped.
"i did too! i guess black and malfoy aren't all that full of hatred as she acts." a blonde girl laughed and the others 'oo'd. "i mean, it was obvious he fancied her! he's always staring at her!"
"she probably realised what a good opportunity it was!" another exclaimed. "he's so handsome!"
"if the look of the kiss they shared was anything to go by, it certainly is a good opportunity." the blonde smirked and they erupted into giggles again.
james' steps stuttered and he nearly tripped over the stony floor. salem had kissed astra? and she'd kissed him back? salem was a cunt, most people knew that. some ignored it because of his wealth and his looks, but the inevitable fact that he was a sick, twisted individual was like a blaring alarm to anyone that went within 20 feet of him. why would she kiss him?
astra spoke openly of her strong hatred for him. she glared at him, punched him and broke his nose, fuck knows how many times. every time he got close to her, she'd immediately walk away from him and shuffle closer to someone she cared about and knew cared for her. she was so clearly uncomfortable around him even if he was all the way across the hall.
was all that hatred just a put on to hide her attraction? no! merlin, no. he was prejudiced to everyone, including astra and who she was. he was disgusting towards her and her friends so the idea that they'd kissed suddenly seemed unbelievable, because it was unbelievable. astra would rather jump from the astronomy tower.
later that night, james found it hard to slip into a good sleep and he opened the maruaders map. he saw astra's name stride across the paper, maroon footsteps following her name until she oddly disappeared. then, he remembered how she'd mentioned the fact names didn't pop up when you entered the room of requirement. smiling, james shuffled out of bed and pulled some shoes and a jumper on, grabbing his invisibility cloak swiftly.
after leaving the gryffindor common room, able to not wake up the fat lady portrait as he did so, james snuck off down the corridors towards where astra's name had disappeared. a short while later, he stood in front of the spot and waited for the door to appear. slowly, it emerged and he gripped the handle, shoving it open.
inside, the room had changed from the one they'd previously been in. it was a cosy space and a record was playing quietly in the corner. the fire was burning and crackling across the room. it was dimly lit by floating candles, close to the high ceiling. smoke was coming from behind a sofa and james walked over to it, peeking over.
he saw astra sat on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest. a cigarette burned away in her fingers, ash falling into a tray by her thigh. her hair was pulled up in a messy tangle of curls, pieces slipping down her back as they fell from the poor excuse of a bun. smoke flowed from her mouth and swirled up to the ceiling where it evaporated into nothingness, probably due to the room.
james shrugged off the cloak and smiled, hopping over to sofa to sit beside her. astra barely moved, staring across as the wall a few meters in front of her as she took another deep inhale of her cigarette. it fell from her gently parted lips, stained red from lipstick she'd been wearing previously. his eyebrows furrowed when he saw that her eyes makeup was smudged, pointed tips of her eyeliner streaked and cheeks traced with mascara.
the concerned boy took in all of her appearance and frowned. her ringed fingers curled into the material of her shorts, goosebumps rippling her soft skin, despite the room being warm. her baggy t-shirt was lifted sightly due to her cigarette-free hand being tucked underneath the fabric, laying across her soft stomach as if she was in pain because of it.
"what happened?" james asked softly, because he knew she knew he was there.
astra didn't reply. her teeth sunk into her bottom lip and her wet eyelashes fluttered with a small blink. james thought he could try and make her laugh instead. when he made her laugh, it made his own heart swell with happiness because she felt comfortable enough with him to be truly happy.
"i heard something today." james chuckled. "some ravenclaws were laughing saying that you and salem kissed. i thought it was funny, 'cause it was so unbelievable."
astra closed her eyes and sunk in on herself, wrapping her arm tighter across her stomach. she hated herself. she was absolutely disgusted by her own existence.
"unbelievable, right?" james asked with another chuckle. his smile faded when she exhaled smoke in a stuttered breath, caused by panic and pain and not by a humorous breath. "right?"
"it happened." astra whispered, voice cracking as her nails dug into her stomach.
"what?" james asked, his own voice barely there as hurt filled his veins.
"i didn't want it to, but it did happen." astra murmured, face twisting in a grimace directed at herself. james began to understand what had really happened as she went on. "he kissed me and didn't let me go. i didn't want to do it, he made me. and i hate myself."
"astra..." james started, sitting up more to try and console her.
"no, i hate myself, james." astra said in a breathless tone, filled with such a strong amount of self-disgust, it shocked james. "i didn't stop him, i didn't try hard enough. it happened because i let it. only i could stop it, but i never did, not even during the other times."
"other times?" james repeated but his question fell of deaf ears as astra continued.
"and then- then regulus stormed over to me in the library and started shouting at me. basically calling me a slut and- and a whore for it." she rambled, tears falling freely down her cheeks. "and then he looked at me in a way i never thought he'd be capable of. he looked repulsed by me, and he should. i let it happen. it was my fault every time. i didn't even try wandless magic. and i-i didn't punch and kick hard enough."
james listened to her hate-fuelled speech as her words became gasped through sobs she wouldn't let herself let go of. her chest rose and fell frantically as she rambled mindlessly, waving her hand around, ash falling off her forgotten cigarette which now sat limply in her fingers as she gestured.
"astra—"
"i didn't fucking stop him—"
"astra—"
"and he did it because of me—"
"astra!" james called, voice raised slightly to stop her speech.
she turned to him with wide, almost scared eyes, bottom lip trembling ever so slightly. james sat on his knees and gently took the ashy stick from her fingers, putting it out. he placed his hands on her cheeks gently and her eyelashes fluttered again as his thumb smudged through a streak of tearful mascara.
"when did all of that happen?" james asked softly, pushing strands of curly hair away from her face before they stuck to her tears.
"once at christmas." astra admitted in a gasped breath as she learnt into his touch, one hand moving to grip his jumper. "and then all holiday at easter."
"all week? he forced you to kiss him when you went back?" james asked, shuffling closer. she shook her head, chest heaving with another well-needed cry. "what happened, love? what did he do?"
"he—" astra cut herself off with a sharp inhale, shrinking away from james, shame creeping through her veins like cement.
"hey, hey," james whispered, tilting her head towards him, keeping her close, "it's okay, you're alright now. he can't hurt you in here. you're safe with me."
"james..." astra nearly whimpered, leaning into his body.
james shifted so she was between his legs, head leaning onto his chest while his hand brushed back her hair and her tears, the other wrapping around her waist lovingly, covering her own arm that appeared to be digging into her stomach, rather than just laying atop it. so, he grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers over her stomach to stop her nails digging into her skin.
"you're safe, love. what did he do?" james asked, kissing her head.
her eyes squeezed shut, face twisted in memorised agony as she cried more, "he made me have sex with him."
james' heart pretty much stopped in his chest as the whisper left astra's lips. she continued to cry softly into his chest, her hand still curled into his t-shirt.
"i didn't want to do it, i didn't want to." astra shook her head frantically. "i should've done more to stop him, should- should've punched harder, james."
"it's not your fault." james promised, voice firm with sorrow and affection. "it wasn't you fault. he did it all, you've done nothing. he's disgusting, astra, and none of it was down to you. he is the only person to blame. the only person."
"it hurt." astra cried. "it really hurt, james. it still does. i'm sorry, i'm so sorry."
james pulled his arms around her waist and shoulders, bringing her even closer as she allowed herself to break down completely.
"don't apologise for anything." james whispered, lips pressed to her forehead, eyes glazed with light tears as he felt the girl he loved shake against him, agonising cries escaping her lips. "you did nothing wrong. you've never had anything to apologise for when it comes to him, love. not once."
astra didn't speak anymore, just cried. her sobs turned quiet but the tears didn't stop, dripping onto her t-shirt as james held her close. her eyes closed tightly and she pressed her head further into his chest, allowing herself to have some real comfort for once. slowly, she stopped crying, just breathing shakily, still in the same, curled position.
"i'm tired." astra whispered.
"it is late, why don't you get some sleep?" james asked, his voice soft.
"no, no." astra shook her head, opening her eyes in a forceful blink. she looked up at james, cheeks a mess of a red flush and thick streaks of makeup. "i'm tired of this life. it never fucking stops."
"what d'you mean?" james asked, pushing hair from her face.
astra swallowed thickly, "i'm 17-years-old and most of the time i can't remember a moment that i was completely happy. i spent my childhood trying to protect my brothers from our parents and thankfully sirius got out. but i had to stay. he asked me to come, but i said no so i could help regulus. and he doesn't even give a shit."
astra chuckled humourlessly, looking away from james' gaze, fearful of the pity she might see.
"i got starved, i got slapped, i got punched, i had illegal curses used on me over and over. they cut me, bruised me and locked me in my room. i got sexually assaulted more than once and nearly married off. i purposely spoke back at them to take their attention off of regulus and onto me so i got it all. all to try and save it happening to my brother, who, in the end, doesn't care and will happily comply with their bullshit. and on top of that, there's more than likely gonna be a fucking war." astra muttered, speaking as if she had a foul taste in her mouth. "i'm only 17 and i just want to cry all the time."
"why don't you?" james asked.
"i didn't want anyone to see me as weak." astra replied before scoffing. "look at how that worked out. i think i've just reached boiling point."
james cupped her cheeks once more and she turned her eyes back to his, a weak, false smile tugging at her lips as if that would make him feel any better about anything she'd just said. it didn't stay curled at the corner of her mouth for long. her lips trembled again, eyes glancing between his own, searching for pity when she only found warmth and comfort.
"i can't promise to make you happy all the time, but i'm gonna do anything i can to try." james whispered. "you're not weak, you're anything but. and i know you won't believe me, and probably won't for a long time, but you are not weak. you tried to help someone and they didn't accept it in the end, but what you did to try and make regulus think twice about his decision wasn't weak. you're not going back there again, okay? you're coming home with me and sirius, you don't need to worry about malfoy or your parents hurting you anymore."
astra nodded tearfully, face still cupped in his hands as she offered him another watery smile, one that lasted longer at the thought of never returning to 12 grimmauld place.
{2276}