There was a letter sitting in the mailbox. My heart surged forward in my chest, and a little noise escaped me as my eyes fell upon the familiar handwriting, my nickname scrawled over the white envelope. I snatched it out, my chest going so tight I could barely breathe. She had written. She wasn't gone.
I didn't even go inside to open it. I stood at the end of my drive and pulled the envelope open. It had been two and a half weeks since her last letter, and I desperately needed to know what had happened.
Dear Blue,
I'm sorry for not replying sooner. Something came up, and I couldn't, but I'm alright.
How did things go with Lillie? As always, there's no luck on my end, of course.
Red
I read it over again, my throat tightening to the point of pain. It was so short, and so vague. There was no explanation at all. No response to the way I'd poured my heart out to her. I didn't know how to react, and it took me a few minutes to be able to go inside. I hurried upstairs, not wanting my mom to question me if she saw the letter. I sat at my desk, trying to make sense of it. I was sick with relief, that she was alive and okay, but also annoyed, because she'd barely bothered to write three lines.
Dear Red,
Is everything okay? You were gone for a while. It's okay if you don't want to tell me. I'm just worried about you. You can tell me anything, remember?
Things are going well. She's my girlfriend now. She has been for a couple of weeks now. I think her brother hates me, though. They're twins but I've barely spoken to him. He just shoots me dirty looks down the corridor when he sees me. He's probably just being protective of his sister, but he's kind of intimidating. I told Dawn that we're still writing to each other and she's pissed off at me for keeping it from her.
Blue
Her response took five days to come, instead of two.
Dear Blue,
Yeah, everything's okay, I promise. I know I can tell you everything, but I think this is something I should just keep to myself. I'm sorry that's so vague. Just know that I'm absolutely fine.
I'm happy for you. I'm sure her brother is just being protective like you said. What is she like?
I know I don't know Dawn personally, but based on what you've told me about her, I wouldn't have thought she'd be pissed off about that. Are you sure it's about that?
Red
I wrote back about Lillie, describing her, and her shy personality, and how I asked her out. I wanted to ask about what had happened again, but I wanted to respect her decision to keep it to herself, even if it pained me. Again, her letter took almost a week to come. I wondered why we'd gone back to only writing once a week, but I didn't want to come across clingy or pathetic.
Still, I couldn't help worrying that she'd lost interest in me. For seven years, since we swapped addresses, we'd always made sure to write back the moment we got our letters, so we could write as many as possible. Now, it was clear she was waiting a few days to bother writing her reply. It upset me more than I was willing to admit.
The school holidays came around, and we carried on writing once a week. I carried on dating Lillie, becoming more and more comfortable with her. Red didn't really talk about her, and when I mentioned her, she hardly ever commented on it. Dawn didn't ask about Red aside from one time, when she noticed me staring off into the distance in class, and asked if we were writing again. When I'd said yes, she'd just nodded once, and then left it alone. I had no idea how she felt about the whole thing, but I didn't want to cause an argument, so I didn't ask.
When we'd been dating for a few months, Lillie told me she loved me. It was Christmas Eve, and we were baking cupcakes together in her kitchen. I'd met her parents, and she'd met my mom. Just a week earlier, I'd finally managed to ignore that strangeness that stopped us from getting any further than kissing, but it hadn't happened since.
I panicked, and I told her that I loved her too, but I wasn't sure. In retrospect, I thought I did. I thought I loved her, because I'd never really known what it was supposed to feel like yet.
They say that your real first love always shows you that what you thought was your first love, really wasn't. But I thought Lillie was mine. And I think I wanted her to be, because it was normal, and it seemed like it should be right.
I told Red that I loved Lillie. Red told me she was happy for me. I didn't tell Red when we slept together, because that seemed weird, but Red never started writing more frequently, and after Christmas, the replies started coming even slower. I didn't know how to tell her how much it was bothering me without upsetting her. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I didn't know how.
Red's seventeenth birthday came around. She told me she celebrated it with Tokio and Chloe, and that she'd met someone else that she'd started to befriend. His name was Quillon, and he was a year older. The way she talked about him, I knew there was some sort of interest there. I wanted to be happy for her, like she was for me, but every time I read his name my chest would tighten to the point of pain, and I'd have to put the letter away.
A few weeks later, she admitted they'd gotten together, but didn't say they were dating. My reply was short, and probably a little harsher than I intended for it to be. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I didn't understand why I felt so much resentment towards this guy that I'd never met. It was stupid that I was so dense, but whenever I tried to think about it, my brain would shut it out, like the truth was too painful to admit.
— — — —
It was a week before my birthday, and Lillie was at my house. My mom was at work. Lillie was lying in my bed, scrolling on her phone, only half-dressed. I was sitting at my desk, trying to do the homework that I should have finished an hour ago, if she hadn't distracted me. She shuffled to face me, and I turned to look at her, too.
"Can I go get some water?" She asked.
"I'll get it for you," I said, standing and running a hand through my messy hair. She smiled and shuffled further down under the covers, turning back to her phone.
I was in the kitchen for less than five minutes. I grabbed her a glass of water, and some snacks from the cupboard. I paused in front of the mirror in the hallway and attempted to fix my hair, but it didn't really work. I climbed back up the stairs, and came up to the doorway, which was left partially open.
I froze. Lillie was standing by my desk, in just my t-shirt and her underwear. The drawer was open. She was staring down at the letters.
"What is this?" She asked quietly, without turning to look at me. My heart thundered in my chest, and I couldn't make myself approach her. There was one open on the desk. "I was looking for your Switch, I-" She stopped talking.
"Lillie," I said finally, pushing into the room. "I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how."
It was then that I noticed there were a handful more on the bed. She'd read at least five, all from different times in my life. I couldn't blame her, but I was a little lost for words. Finally, she looked up at me, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. "Who's Red?"
I sighed, running my fingers through my hair again. "We were pen pals when we were seven. We just carried on writing. They're just a friend."
"A girl?" She asked, hesitantly.
"I don't know," I said, realising how stupid that sounded as it came out of my mouth. "We agreed we'd never say our real names or genders. I know it sounds stupid. We were kids-"
"And you've been writing to this person for almost ten years," she said, more to herself than me. "There are hundreds of letters in here."
"I know." I couldn't think of anything else to say. She was quiet for a long moment, studying the corner of my desk. I waited for her to say something, anything, but then she turned away, and started grabbing her clothes. She was pulling on her pants, taking off my t-shirt and replacing it with her own. I watched her, but I didn't stop her.
"Lillie," I said, as she grabbed her bag from the floor and flung it over her shoulder. "I love you."
She turned to look at me, her eyes narrowing slightly. I thought that, for the first time, she didn't totally believe those words. She shook her head. "I just need some time."
"Okay," I said feebly. I let her leave. Once she was gone, I put the letters back in the drawer and sat at my desk, staring down at the wood. I should have known I couldn't keep them separate forever. I had wanted to tell Lillie about Red, but I hadn't. I hadn't, and now she likely thought there was something going on between us. Even though Red had Quillon now, and I'd written about her pretty frequently. I groaned and dropped my head onto the desk, silently cursing myself. But the pain of Lillie leaving, and of not knowing whether or not we were done, was nothing compared to the pain I felt when Red hadn't written to me for two weeks. And I had no idea what to make of that.
— — — —
The next day, Lillie texted me, asking me to meet her at the park. I was a little nervous, but more than anything I was riddled with guilt for not telling her. I did like her, and I hated that I'd hurt her feelings. I never liked hurting anyone's feelings, ever. It was kind of cold, so I pulled on a sweater and left the house, wondering what I was going to say when it came down to explaining.
She was sitting waiting for me at a park bench with Nebby sitting on her lap. She frowned when she saw me, so different from her usual warm smiles. I sat beside her, frowning back, and I let her speak first, because I could tell she wanted to.
"Months ago, when you were upset for a long time, right after we first got together. That was because of Red, wasn't it? Because she wasn't writing back to you anymore."
I nodded. There was no point in lying about anything. "Yeah. Lillie, I've never cheated on you. I'd never do that, but I should have told you. I know I should have told you, it's just... I didn't even tell Dawn until she stopped responding to me back then. Nobody else knows."
"Why?" She asked, shaking her head. There were tears welling in the corners of her eyes, and my heart clenched painfully.
"I'm worried people will think it's weird," I admitted. "I don't know her name. I don't know what she looks like."
"Her," Lillie said, emphasising the word. I blinked at her, not understanding. She was frowning deeper than I'd ever seen her frown before. "You keep referring to Red as her. I thought you said you didn't know their gender."
My chest was rising and falling heavily. I didn't like the strange, panicky feeling gathering there. "I-" I looked away, feeling caught. "I don't really."
"But you do, don't you? You know without having to ask. And I... I know I shouldn't have, but I read a few. She was sharing so much with you. She was flirting with you. You have to see that, right?"
"We don't really flirt-"
"Ash," she said sternly, shaking her head. "You have feelings for her. I'm not judging you. I don't care that you don't know what she looks like, or even her name. But if your letters are the same as hers... Even the look in your eye when you talk about her tells me."
I could hardly breathe. Even Dawn had never insinuated that I had real feelings for her. I had never really let myself think about it, even sometimes when the flirting would make my heart hammer against my ribs, even when I lay in bed at night, headphones on, thinking about her. Not even when I realised that every song was suddenly about her. I never let myself, even when I knew there was part of me, pushed to the very back of my brain, that had suspected it. But it was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
I started shaking my head, still in denial. "I don't. Besides, we're probably never even going to meet." I regretted the words as soon as I said them, because I didn't mean it. I knew we'd probably meet some day. The thought of it made my heart drop into my stomach. I wanted to meet her so badly.
Lillie smiled then, but it didn't reach her eyes. It made me even sadder. I wanted to reach out and take her hand, but I knew she didn't want me to touch her. I knew from that sad smile alone that we were over. She stood, picking up Nebby and placing her gently on the grass. She turned to face me, a tear streaking down her cheek.
"I love you, Ash, but I won't be the person you settle for because you can't have what you truly want."
With that, she turned and walked away, leaving me sitting alone on the bench, destroyed. Her words stuck right into my heart like a knife, twisting painfully. Because you can't have what you truly want. The breath rushed out of my lungs. Was that really what I was doing? Was I really that fucking awful?
I walked home, feeling numb, my brain strangely empty and quiet. I walked right past my mom, jogging up the stairs and shutting myself in my room. I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at my wall. For the first time ever, I let myself think about it. I opened my mind, and I let myself consider what I'd been trying to deny for years.
And I realised that Lillie was probably right.
Red's last letter was sitting folded up on my desk. I was supposed to post my response the next morning.
My phone started ringing. I pulled it out of my back pocket, and saw that it was Dawn.
"Hey," I said when she answered. My voice came out small. I wasn't used to being this overcome with emotion and confusion. I hated it. I hated everything.
"What's going on?" Dawn asked. "I tried to organise something with Lillie and she told me she doesn't want to hang out with us for a while."
"We broke up," I said simply.
Dawn was silent for a few seconds. "Oh. Are... Are you okay? Did she break up with you?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "I think... She probably just wants some space from me for now."
"Ash... what did you do?" Dawn asked quietly. I squeezed my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"She found out about Red," I mumbled. I knew it made me look fucking stupid. I thought Dawn would hate me for it too. I heard her sigh on the other end.
"I thought that might be it," she said. "I'll check if she's okay."
"Thank you, Dawn. I... I know it's stupid. I should have told her about Red, and then it might not have been a problem. It's so stupid."
"It'll be okay," Dawn said, warmer than I deserved. "It'll all be fine, Ash."
I wanted to believe her. When she hung up, I walked over to my desk and sat there. Despite everything, I wanted to write to her, so I did.
Dear Red,
Well, I fucked it up. Lillie broke up with me today. I can't say I didn't deserve it. It hurts, but... I'm more upset that I hurt her feelings than anything else. I'm worried that it makes me heartless. We were together for months, and yet... Well, anyway, we're over now. I don't know if she'll still want to stay friends or not. I just hope it doesn't cause a divide in my friendship group. And I know it's selfish, but I really hope she doesn't tell Gary or any of the others why we broke up, because... It's complicated.
How are things with Quillon? Did you win your figure skating competition? Hopefully when I next write to you, things will have started to blow over.
Blue
Red's reply came quicker than usual. Much quicker, in fact. I wasn't even going to check, but as I walked past the mailbox on the way to school, I decided to peek inside, and saw the letter sitting there, waiting for me. My eyebrows shot up, and I opened it up as I carried on walking.
Dear Blue,
I'm so sorry that Lillie broke up with you. Whatever you did, I hope you can make up for it, because even if you're over, you don't want there to be any bad blood there. I won't ask what you did if you don't want to tell me, but I could give you better advice if I knew. Do you think there's any chance you'll get back together?
I don't know if this will make you feel better, but snap. I told Quillon I was tired of sneaking around with him. I told him that if he wanted to carry on seeing me, he had to tell his friends. I told him I wouldn't carry on sneaking into empty classrooms and stuff whenever he was in the mood. I felt like I was being used. I felt like he was ashamed of being seen with me in public.
Well, he told me he'd found someone else, anyway. Her name is Danika. It's barely been two days, and he's already been kissing her in public, when he's spent so long avoiding being seen around me. We were never even together properly. I feel like I'm destined to be single forever.
How about we make a pact. If we're both still single when we're forty, we'll marry each other.
Red
P.S. Of course I won the competition.
My throat was tight when I finished reading. I wondered how anyone could do that to another person. I couldn't even begin to imagine how shitty Red was feeling, investing all that time into someone she was interested in, and only being valued whenever he felt like it, hidden away like some dirty secret. I tucked the letter inside my bag and tried to forget about it, until I could write back.
At school, Lillie avoided looking at me. She hung around with the other girls she knew, instead of coming anywhere near me, Dawn, or any of my other close friends. I let her have her space, even though I desperately wanted to apologise again.
That night, I wrote:
Dear Red,
I don't know if I could tell you why. I didn't cheat on her, and I didn't harm her in any way, I just... There were things I should have told her. And she knew that she liked me more than I liked her. I feel really shitty about it. I don't think I'll ever be with anyone again until I'm totally sure about them.
That makes me feel worse, honestly. I hate that he's hurt you like that. I wish I could cheer you up right now. Or maybe kick the shit out of him, if that would make you feel better. You deserve so much more than that, anyway. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. It sounds like his own pathetic problem, not yours. I hope you don't let it make you think you're something to be ashamed of. One day you'll meet someone who isn't afraid to be with you in public.
And yes, if we're still single at forty, I'll gladly be that person for you.
Blue
— — — —
That Saturday, it was my birthday. We all gathered at Gary's house. He only lived with his grandfather, who was on a business trip. I didn't think much of it, until I showed up, and everyone else had brought alcohol. I'd hardly drank anything ever, just a sip occasionally at celebrations or events.
I told myself I wasn't going to drink much. But I didn't know my limits. And I was hurting. Misty plied me with alcohol, and I had more fun than I should have. We spent the night laughing with each other, dancing to music, and playing board games we were too drunk for, hardly following the rules. When it got late, and we had to leave, I left with Dawn, intending on walking her home before I walked back to mine.
We stumbled home, laughing at nothing, falling into each other. Dawn paused halfway home, gasping and pointing at two traffic cones sitting by the side of the road. I shouted my protests, but she was already running for them, picking one of them up and putting it on her head. I almost died laughing as she ran at me with the cone on her head. I picked up the other one, and started to chase her, and she howled with laughter as she ran away, almost tripping over herself several times.
It took us longer than it should have to get to her door. She kept leaning against walls and twirling around lamp posts, her hair unbound, flying around her shoulders. She looked so carefree and happy, and it was infectious, and I wanted to capture those moments forever. I wanted us to be that happy forever.
I didn't realise things were only going to get even more complicated.