Summary: James and Regulus are secretly together, but James is afraid of the reaction of his friends, especially his best friend Sirius, who doesn't approve of anyone dating his younger brother.
When James is dared to kiss someone else at a party, he does it to please his friends, devastating Regulus.
To make James choose between him and his friends, Regulus invites everyone to a party in the Slytherin common room, where he makes James watch him dance with Barty, until he boils with jealousy. Regulus gives James an ultimatum, and James must decide between pleasing his friends and fighting for Regulus' love.
___________________________________________________________
It's not like James and Regulus didn't know what they were getting into. It's just that Regulus didn't think it would go on for so long, and James didn't think it would be that big of an issue.
Regulus moved in with the Potters after his fifth year. He came out to his brother – and basically the entire school – as gay. His family found a bride for him to marry, and Regulus would have rather died than got into a fake marriage. Sirius only commented that with all the shit that happened at that house, this was a very weird hill to die on. He took his brother in with open arms though and rather quickly shut down most of the homophobic comments Regulus received. Sirius is a Black and he can really make the crazy genes work for him if he wants to.
Over that summer, James got to know Regulus better. He always thought of him as somewhat cute, and he has always been impressed beyond belief when he watched Regulus play Quidditch – but spending more time with the boy awakened far deeper admiration for him than he was prepared for.
James, so far, hasn't been lucky in the love department. Anyone he liked or had a crush on didn't like him back – but then came Regulus.
It was playful flirting, little back-and-forth's for a few weeks. Long looks, accidental touches, half-naked Quidditch practice in the summer sun, warm nights under the stars – and then it was kissing, midnight whispers, and exploring touches, possessive kisses, and mind-blowing sex.
"What are we going to tell Sirius?" Regulus asked at some point. Sirius was visiting Remus at the time, and James and Regulus used the chance to shag in almost every room the house had to offer.
"Sirius?" James blinked. „I – He will – oh gods, do we have to?"
Regulus frowned at him. "I mean... what other option is there?"
James bit his lip. "We could just... keep it secret. Sirius will freak out – you're his little brother, I'm his best friend. He will kill me for touching you."
"You do a bit more than just touching me."
"Precisely. He finds out about that, and he'll kill me."
Regulus rolled his eyes. "You're dramatic. Why would he kill you? He wants me to be happy. I am happy."
James looked at him and smiled. "And I want to make you happy. But Sirius... I'm scared about what he will say."
"He knows you're bi."
"Yes, of course, everyone knows. This isn't about that. He could say we're not friends anymore. Or tell me I have to choose between you. He could be so fucking angry with me. He talks about you like a child – little precious baby brother. He gets mad whenever someone just suggests you having sex."
"I'm sixteen. He'll have to get used to it. ... I just came out to everyone, getting disowned and thrown out of my home in the process. I don't want to be hidden after all of that."
James sighed. "Reggie, please... I really like you. I want to keep doing this and see where it goes – but I can't risk my friendship to Sirius."
Regulus hummed and sat up, reaching for his clothes on the ground. "Well, then don't."
"Reggie, don't do this. Just ... give me some time, okay? I'll figure out how to tell him, just give me time."
Regulus turned back to him. "How much time?"
James bit his lip and reached for Regulus' hand. "I don't know. Maybe I can ease him into the idea of you being with someone and then it being me. I don't want to lose this, Reggie."
Regulus closed his eyes for a moment. "I always came second, you know? After Sirius to my parents. After you to Sirius. I refuse to come second to a lover."
"You don't come second, especially not after Sirius. You're both important to me. I'll figure it out, I promise. Just don't leave me." James leaned over and kissed his shoulder.
Regulus looked at him again. "Okay," he whispered. "You'll get time. But only because I really like you."
James smiled and kissed him.
But James needs too long.
Now, Regulus is just frustrated most of the time, and James is lost. It is December. Behind them lies half a year of secret meetings, and hidden kisses - it used to be fun and exciting. But there were also countless lies, limited time, and scheduled meetings that felt like kissing appointments rather than quick encounters of passion.
James has tried telling Sirius – he really has. He doesn't want to lie to his best friend. But as a fact, Sirius doesn't want Regulus to date anyone – much less get shagged by them. Whenever James brings up the topic of Regulus being on a date with someone, or kissing someone, Sirius gets angry. He is adamant that only he knows who is right for his brother and as long as James doesn't come with the news of Regulus being with one specific person, he shouldn't talk to him about this at all – who this person is he wouldn't say of course. He most likely doesn't fucking exist because Sirius' standards for his brother are higher than the fucking Astronomy tower.
James knows Regulus is unhappy and he hates it. He wants to make Regulus happy. He is in love with him. Deeply in love to the point of losing his mind. He would rather stop the world from turning than make him sad – but he does make him sad. Every fucking day.
But James can't help the fear. He couldn't take losing Sirius' friendship. That thought is the scariest thing he can think of.
At the beginning of December, the Gryffindors have a party. Sirius invited Regulus and his friends. The four Slytherins (and one Ravenclaw girl) coming into the Gryffindor common room makes for quite the scandal, but they bring booze, so they are welcomed rather quickly. James doesn't take his eyes off Regulus all evening. He looks amazing, every black curl is in place. He wears dangling star earrings and glistening silver bracelets James assumes belong to his friend Pandora. He is drinking and laughing and watching the others dance.
Regulus keeps sneaking glances at James that make him want to take Regulus upstairs and fuck him, making him scream until the entire castle knows that they're together.
Sirius seems in an exceptionally good mood all evening, so maybe he wouldn't even notice if they sneak off...
"Okay, let's play truth or dare!" someone yells at some point and minutes later everyone is sitting in a circle on the floor. Regulus seems uncomfortable already. James just wants to reach out and take his hand, kiss his cheek, and tell him they don't have to stay if it gets too much.
He looks away and catches Sirius looking at him. He grins at him and James grins back.
The game starts rather tame but quickly descends into stupid dares and shameless questions as usual – especially because Slytherins are fucking ruthless, as it turns out, and the Black Brothers use their truths to settle early childhood fights between them.
"Dare," Lily Evans says.
Marlene smirks.
"Oh, gods, no, Truth," Lily exclaims.
"Too late. I dare you to snog... Potter."
James looks up surprised.
"What?"
"Come on, years of this will they – won't they bullshit. Just fucking kiss already!" Marlene laughs.
Lily looks over to James. Her cheeks turn as red as her hair. James glances towards Regulus. He is staring right at him.
James can't do this. He can't just kiss someone else. He has a boyfriend – and that boyfriend is sitting right there.
"No," James says with a laugh, "Come on, that's unfair, Marls."
"Oh, as if you don't want it," Gideon Prewett laughs, "Only been pining after her for years and years and years. Be happy you get the chance to kiss her before you die a virgin."
"If he doesn't want to-, " Lily says.
"Oh, of course he does," someone else says.
"Besides, it's just a game. It doesn't mean anything. It's just fun, we kiss for fun all the time. It's not like either of you have a boyfriend or girlfriend." Marlene rolls her eyes.
James bites his lip. He does. He does have a boyfriend. He can't do this.
"Or do you?" Mary asks James, "Do you?" She giggles.
"What?" Sirius exclaims. "No. You would have told me, right? We don't have secrets."
"No, of course not. I'd never have a secret from you," James says with a smile.
"Well then," Marlene speaks up again, "Kiss."
And quickly the entire room is clapping their hands and chanting "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"
Lily looks at him and sighs. She shrugs and scoots towards him.
James feels his body grow hot. He can feel Regulus staring at him.
"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" they keep chanting.
Kiss or tell them. He glances at Sirius, who looks at him expectantly. – I'm dating your brother. I love your brother. I can't do this.
They are all expecting it from him. It's a great mood and he'd ruin the night for all of them by not kissing her.
Sirius would be so angry if he knew about him and Regulus. Sirius would hate him and never talk to him –
James leans forward and kisses Lily. The Gryffindors cheer around them.
James used to be in love with her – well, had a crush on her – for years. But not now. Not anymore. Her lips are soft and sweet, and it comes close to what his fourteen-year-old teenage brain dreamed up about kissing girls. He has kissed some people since then – but the best of them has been Regulus.
James leans back again when Lily's hand comes up to his cheek. Lily looks at him with lovely green eyes, and a soft smile on her lips.
James looks to his side to Regulus. Regulus and his friends don't sit there anymore. They're already half out of the common room.
"Well, you Gryffindors are really as lame as we thought," Barty yells with a laugh, "Fucking children. Go suck some dick and get better parties." – and with that, they're gone.
Fuck. James swears in his head. He's already half up to run after him when someone grabs his arm and pulls him back down.
"Oh, let the party poopers," Gideon says, "Stupid Slytherins don't know how to have fun anyway."
So, James stays in the common room.
***
James finds Regulus the next day in the library. He bursts out into a sprint as soon as he sees him on the map.
"Reggie," James gasps when he comes to a halt in front of Regulus' table. He sits alone surrounded by mountains of books.
"James," he says calmly without looking up.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that-"
He hums.
James falls into the chair next to him. "Really. I'm sorry. It was just a stupid game – you know how things like that go: Parties, drinks, kissing-games. What was I supposed to do?"
Now, he looks up, not at him. A smile is on his lips. "Hm, I don't know. I could think of several things you could have done and none of them include kissing Lily Evans."
"I know. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. It was just – so many people, it was so loud, they were all cheering – and then Sirius was right there."
"I was right there, too." He still doesn't look at him.
James sighs and rests his forehead against Regulus' arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, Love. Please, let me make it up to you. Let's go on a date or let's go to your dorm."
Regulus simply turns the page of the book in front of him.
"Well, well, well," Barty's voice appears. James looks up, Regulus doesn't. Barty, Evan, Dorcas, and Pandora stand next to them. "Look what the cat dragged in. Came to grovel?"
"Fuck off, Crouch."
Barty smirks and looks at Regulus. "You want me to remove this thing, Reg?"
"We could bring you back to that girlie," Evan says, "Seemed to enjoy her very much. What happened after we left? Did they dare you to eat her fanny and you did?"
"No. It was a stupid drinking game, okay? And it's none of your business. This is between Regulus and me." James turns back to his boyfriend, resting his hand on top of Regulus's. "Please, Reggie, Love, tell me what I can do to make it up to you. It didn't mean anything. You know it didn't."
Now, Regulus looks at him. "Tell. Him."
James bites his lip.
Regulus breathes out of his nose and looks up at his friends. Like a king gesturing towards a tart, he waves towards James. "Remove this."
The next thing James knows is being bodily dragged away and out of the library by Evan, Barty, and Dorcas.
Outside, he leans against a wall and closes his eyes. He just wants to keep everyone around him happy. Regulus and Sirius.
"James," Lily pulls him out of his thoughts.
James looks down at her. "Hi."
"Hey... about the party yesterday... I'm sorry we put you on the spot like that. It was Marls' idea – I told her it's stupid and she shouldn't. It's just..." she sighs, "Well, I fancy you. I know I've been rejecting you for roughly six years, but you really matured, stopped running after me, all that. I don't know, I just got to see you with new eyes, and I really like what I'm seeing."
James' mouth falls open. No. Fuck, no.
He doesn't want Lily anymore. Why does she have to come with this now? He doesn't want to reject her and hurt her either – but he loves Regulus. He doesn't want to deal with her now.
"Well, do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me next Saturday?"
James stares at her and bites his tongue, looking for the right words. How do you reject someone without hurting them? It hurts to get rejected – he knows that. He has learned it from her many times over.
She blinks and bites her lips. "You don't want to."
"I – Sorry."
"It's okay." She nods. "I guess I've waited for too long, did I?"
"Sorry," is all he can say.
She nods. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
James swallows. "There's someone..."
"Oh, and we made you kiss me at the party – I'm sorry. Oh, shit. Why didn't you say anything?"
James looks down at his shoes. "They were all cheering and wanted it so much ... I just didn't know..."
"Oh, James, you could have said no. It would have been okay. I'm sorry we did that to you. Do you want me to talk to your girlfriend? I can tell her it was all my fault, we put you on the spot. It was just a dumb drinking game, she'll understand."
James shakes his head. "They know what happened. They were there."
"Oh," she whispers, "Do you want me to talk to them?"
James shakes his head. "I'll fix it. It's okay, I'll fix it somehow."
She put her hand on his shoulder. "Ask your friends for help."
"Sure," James mumbles, "Thanks, Lily. I'm sorry I can't go out with you."
"Oh, don't be. I'm happy you moved on. I hope it works out for you. Well, I got to go, see you around."
She smiles again and walks away.
***
For about a week, James doesn't even know whether he still has a boyfriend. It's bloody torture.
He loves that boy. He just wants him to be happy. He wants Sirius to be happy. He still feels bad enough for blowing Lily off.
Then finally, on Friday, James catches Regulus alone in a corridor. Regulus listens to his apologies. He sighs with his eyes closed, sounding more exhausted than anything else. He kisses him softly and lets James hug him and sob quietly into his shoulder.
A few days later, Regulus struts over to the Gryffindor table during supper.
"Hey, Reggie," Sirius grins, "Want to sit with us?"
"No," he says when Sirius is already making space for him. "I want to invite you. We're having a party in the Slytherin common room. After your little prime example of a meeting of Virgins Anonymous we decided to be so gracious to show you what an actual party looks like. Saturday, 8 pm, Slytherin common room. The password is Die Young. It's the theme for the night, so I don't want to see any colour brighter than dark grey. Oh, and just in case I really do have to say it: When I say the party starts at eight, no one comes at eight."
He turns on his heel and leaves.
None of them has any idea what a Slytherin party may look like. There are rumours of course – from sex dungeon parties to cultist worship of the Giant Squid. James doesn't equate either of these things with the concept of someone's little brother. He can totally imagine Regulus' psycho friend Barty in that kind of scenario though.
"Do you think, they're doing drugs in there?" Remus asks while they are walking down the corridor to the Slytherin common room.
"As long as they're not gutting a goat and dance in the blood," Peter mutters.
Sirius chuckles, "Would be something different at any rate. Come on boys, it's Reggie. How bad can it be? They're probably not going to play truth or dare. We'll dance some, indulge Reggie, and tell him how much better his party was than ours so he's happy."
They get into the common room around 10 pm.
James knows this common room from sneaking into Regulus' dorm. Usually, the room is lit with cold lamps. Dark bookshelves and high fireplaces line the walls. A huge window gives a view of the black lake. The room overflows with wealth and luxury, black leather couches, crystal chandeliers, chess boards and instruments carved from ivory. The bannisters lining the staircase to the dorms are shaped like snakes.
Today, it looks a little different. All couches are in one half of the common room, forming a kind of lounge around tables with drinks and snacks. The other half of the common room was turned into a massive dance floor. Green and blue blinking lights illuminate the crowd in random patterns. The music is booming through the room, people are singing and swinging their bodies around, adorned by glow sticks bent into bracelets and necklaces.
When they enter, they almost stumble into a couple snogging against the wall, one hand shoved under a tight skirt.
"Where is Reggie?" Sirius looks around. The dancing crowd is one moving, dark mass, wrists and hips sticking out in blinking and glowing neon lights.
"Let's get something to drink," Remus says close to their ears.
They go over to the leather couches and get some drinks. A girl is sitting on a couch, one boy on each side, kissing one after the other, then the boys kiss each other. Peter stares open-mouthed.
Sirius reaches out and pushes his jaw up. "Don't stare, Pete. Drink. I might like the style of these parties."
James tears his eyes away from the throuple. "Where's Reggie?" He looks around.
"He'll come here sooner than later, drink," Sirius grins and pushes a glass into his hand. James drinks dutifully. He cannot imagine Regulus in this kind of crowd. Regulus hates people – this would be his nightmare. Maybe he hides in his dorm waiting for James.
"Ah, look who it is!" Evan Rosier appears next to them at some point. His blond hair is messed up, and he wears a translucent black shirt, showing his naked skin whenever a light hits him. He wears a bendy glow stick around his neck. "Are you just standing here? Do you really not know how to party?" he laughs and takes another glass.
"Where's Regulus?" James asks him.
Evan smirks up at him. He pushes the drink into James' hand. "He is dancing. You want to see?"
"Dancing?" Sirius leans into them. "Reggie doesn't dance."
"Yes, he does. He loves dancing. Do you even know him?" Evan laughs and then pulls James away by the arm.
Evan needs to point Regulus out to him. He is dancing with his back to him. One arm lazily over another boy's shoulder, who is holding his waist in turn. They are standing close – too close – and moving to the beat of the music. James instantly recognizes the boy he's dancing with – Barty.
Barty notices him staring and grins, he leans into Regulus to whisper in his ear. Then Barty puts both hands on Regulus's waist and spins him around so Regulus can look at James.
He is a sight to behold.
His black curls are perfectly tousled. He is wearing a black tank top and a translucent jacket, which slipped down his left shoulder, fabric gathering at his wrist. Glistening necklaces of various sizes hang from his neck, and blinking neon bracelets swing around his right wrist when he moves. He wears tight black jeans and dark boots. His beautiful, pale face turns blue and green in the light. His cheekbones are highlighted with glitter, and his eyes are circled with black eyeliner.
James' mouth feels unbearably dry. He takes a large sip from his drink. Regulus smirks at him. He doesn't stop dancing for even a second. He moves his hip to the music with Barty's fingers digging into his waist.
"Why is he touching him like that?" James growls and is already marching over to them, when Evan holds him back.
"Wouldn't do that. It's one of his favourite songs, never annoy Reggie while he's dancing – if you want to stay alive that is. Besides, it's fucking hot to watch, trust me."
Regulus is swinging his hips from side to side, his arms over his head. Barty is dancing behind him, face dangerously close to Regulus' neck. James can't help but wonder whether Barty's hips are touching him. The lyrics start anew and James can see Regulus moving his lips with the singer, if he sings, James can't hear it.
I got too high again when I realized I can't not be with you
Or be just your friend
Regulus' hand reaches back to Barty's cheek.
I love you to death but I just can't-
Barty's hands are on Regulus' hips moving with him. Regulus leans his head back on Barty's shoulder.
I just can't pretend
we were lovers first
Barty looks at James and Evan, and pulls Regulus against him, lips close to his neck. James wants to punch him.
Confidants
but never friends
Were we ever friends?
Regulus straightens up again and swings his hips harder to the music, moving his upper body in the opposing direction. His hair falls into his face.
James wants to pull him against him, have him grind up against him instead of Barty. He wants to own that boy, lick him from head to toe and mark him as his.
But when
your stitch comes loose
I want to sleep on every piece of fuzz
And stuffing that comes out of you,
you
I took too
many hits off this memory
I need to come do-o-oown
Barty's hands are off him Regulus, luckily. Regulus alternates between looking over his shoulder, smirking at his friend, and looking straight at James mouthing the lyrics of the song. The blinking lights highlight his features, the wild curls, the cheekbones, and the protruding collarbone where James wants to bite him.
An-n-n-n-n-n-nother day goes by
So hold me tight,
Barty's hands grab Regulus' hips and slide over his body, pulling the shirt up, exposing a stretch of skin on his hip. Regulus' hands are on Barty's, with no intention to stop him.
hold me tight
or don't
On the don't Regulus pushes Barty's hands away and stops his movements. Setting into the dance with the next beat again.
Oh no, no, no, this isn't how our story ends
So hold me tight, hold me tight or don't
Again, Barty's fingers slide over the fabric of the tank top, pulling it up, baring his skin – and fly away when the singer says or don't. Regulus is looking straight at James, making a game of it. He makes him watch how he is touched by someone else. He makes him watch how someone else can touch him, can hold him – much like James could kiss Lily.
When there are no lyrics, it's a string of n-sounds. Regulus is moving his body from side to side. James can imagine him without his clothes, how his muscles move under the perfect skin. He knows what it feels like to put one's hand where his body dips and curves under his ribs. He knows what he sounds like when James touches him there and moves lower. Barty isn't allowed to ever come to know it.
Cause I'm pa-aa-aaast the limits
The distance between us
It sharpens me like a knife
Regulus is looking straight at James again, playing with him. His movements are slow, grinding against Barty behind him. He wants him to know they are touching though James can't see where their bodies connect.
Pa-aa-aaast the limits
The distance between us
It sharpens me like a kniiiiife
There is a short pause where Regulus' movements still. He goes quicker again, with the beat, when the chorus starts anew and Barty pulls and pushes on his shirt, pulling on the neckline and shoving on the hem.
An-n-n-n-n-n-nother day goes by
So hold me tight,
hold me tight or don't
I'm pretty sure this isn't how our story ends
So hold me tight,
hold me tight or don't
James finishes his drink and pushes it into Evan's hand. He has had enough of this. The song slowly fades into another one when James reaches the pair and pulls Regulus to him by the wrist.
"Hey," Regulus murmurs into his ear, "Enjoying yourself?"
"Not as much as you."
Regulus leans back and smirks. James growls low in his throat and looks at Barty, who is smirking at him, and winks. James has never wanted to punch anyone more in his life.
James drags Regulus away from the other boy in the direction of the couches.
"What the fuck are you doing, Reggie?" James hisses when he put sufficient distance between Regulus and Barty.
"Dancing. You don't like it?" He leans in to whisper in his ear, "What are you going to do against it, Big Boy?"
James presses his lips together, trying not to get distracted. Regulus sounds fucking sexy murmuring in his ear, warm breath hitting his skin. James still sees him dance in front of him.
"You can't dance like this with him. I am your boyfriend, not Barty."
Regulus laughs.
James bites his tongue. He laughs. Fucking laughs at him.
Regulus leans back to look at him. "Am I?"
"Yes." James reaches out to put his hands where Barty touched what is his. But Regulus catches his wrist.
"Tsk. Big Brother is watching. We don't want to upset him, do we?"
James looks up and sees Sirius looking in their direction with a curious look on his face.
"You have to decide, James," Regulus says now, "Upset me or him?"
"I-" he looks from Sirius back to Regulus. "I don't want to upset either of you."
"But you are. And I'm done with this."
James stares at him. No. No, please, no, gods, no. He yells in his head, but it doesn't get past his lips.
"Barty over there, he wants me. He wouldn't put me second to Sirius, ever. So, decide: Tell him about us, kiss me, dance with me, whatever you want – or don't. But then we're through."
James can feel his heart speeding up in his chest. The air feels thick in the room. He looks from Regulus, the boy he loves, the boy he wants to spend every second of every day with, to Sirius, his best friend in the whole world, his brother by choice. He can't lose either of them.
He can't lose Regulus.
He wants to grab him by the wrist and pull him over to Sirius. He wants to kiss him right in front of him. He wants to profess his love right there and take the consequences.
But he is frozen in place. He can't move. He can't say anything. He feels like someone put a petrification spell on him. He doesn't know what will happen when he tells him, and his brain is too scared of the consequences to allow him one step in any direction.
He looks back at Regulus. His face is so void of emotion it is painful to look at.
"No answer is an answer, too."
"Reggie-"
"Time's up. We're done."
"Reggie," he reaches for his wrist, but Regulus pulls back his arm.
"That's Regulus to you. Now, get out of my common room."
He turns around. Barty is not standing far off. He probably followed them. He is by Regulus' side almost immediately. Regulus leans in and murmurs something into his ear.
With no look or last word lost on James, Barty leads Regulus out of the common room to the dorms.
James' legs are shaking. The earth starts spinning around him – he feels sick. He needs to get out of here, now. He runs in the opposite direction of the dorms to the way out of the common room.
He can barely grasp a clear thought in all of this.
His boyfriend – the boy he is deeply in love with – broke up with him.
Regulus broke up with him and now he is shagging Barty in his dorm like it never meant anything.
He makes his way up to Gryffindor Tower. With every step, he can see Barty and Regulus in his head. Barty sliding his tongue past Regulus' lips. Barty's hands pulling their clothes off, running his fingers over Regulus' perfect body. Barty sucking marks into his skin. He can see Barty touching Regulus, using his mouth on him. He doesn't get it out of his head: Regulus on his hands and knees, Barty behind him, shoving his cock in and fucking him – fucking his Reggie. Regulus moaning because of Barty instead of James.
And then the pictures get worse – Regulus smiling for Barty. Regulus laughing for Barty. Regulus lovingly rolling his eyes for Barty how he usually only does it for him. Regulus being vulnerable with Barty. Regulus loving Barty.
Regulus getting over James.
James runs into a bathroom and throws up.
***
The worst part of any breakup is having to see your ex afterwards. After spending an entire night staring at the Marauder's Map and seeing Barty's and Regulus' name tags in the same bed, James doesn't want to face the boy again.
He loves him more than Barty ever could.
It's okay at school. Regulus sits with his back to him at lunch and James has never been this glad that Regulus is in a different year and house than him. Quidditch season is over too. He barely ever has to see him.
James doesn't know whether Barty and Regulus are a couple at all. At least, Regulus doesn't make him watch them kiss.
James forgot about Christmas.
Christmas. Of course, Regulus is supposed to come home with him for Christmas.
On the one hand, James thinks he could use Regulus having to be in his vicinity to make him talk to him. Maybe he can convince him to give him another chance somehow - though, it wouldn't erase their problems and he knows it. On the other hand, having to spend the holidays with his ex-boyfriend right under his nose sounds like a nightmare.
Regulus seems to think the same because Sirius has to actually drag him to the train station. Regulus fights him like a grumpy cat that is about to receive a bath. He wants to stay at the castle. He doesn't want to go to the Potters for Christmas. He fights tooth and nail, but Sirius forces him into the train and takes him home.
The holidays are awkward to say the least.
Regulus refuses to be in the same room as James unless he absolutely has to (for meals or presents for example.) He mostly stays upstairs in his room.
A few days before New Year's Eve, Sirius has had enough of this.
James is standing in the kitchen, drinking a cup of tea when Sirius comes to join him.
"Hey, Prongs, where are Effie and Monty?"
"Went grocery shopping for New Years."
"Good." Then he grabs James' arm and drags him to the living room, ignoring his protests.
"What are you doing, Pads?" James tries to shake his arm loose, but Sirius won't relent. He shoves him on the couch in the living room, where Regulus is already sitting and reading. He looks up at his brother, glances at James and then gets up.
"Ah, no, stay," Sirius pushes him back on the couch. "So, and now you will tell me what the fuck is going on."
James looks at Regulus, who pointedly refuses to look back at him.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Regulus says to his brother, "Can I go now?"
"No. There's something going on. I'm not blind. I thought you liked each other but now you won't even be in the same fucking room together. Why? What happened?"
"You're being delusional. I've never liked him."
James has to bite his tongue to not object.
"Yes, you have. You should, at any rate. Look at him, he's great. He's ten times better than stupid Barty. I thought – I was so glad you finally got on with each other. Don't you two get it? You're perfect for each other."
James needs a moment for the words to fall into place. He looks up at his friend surprised.
"What?"
Sirius sighs. "How can you not see it? You'd make a great couple. I even went to visit Moony on my own in summer so something could happen between you while you're alone – but nothing. At least you seemed to get on. It seemed like a good basis. But now you're dating Barty? He's a maniac. James is way hotter, for one. You both love Quidditch. You're both brilliant. You like the same kind of music and the same Quidditch team and make your tea the same way. You both hate anything banana flavoured, and green beans, and believe wasps are evil incarnated. You match so well. Way better than you and Barty."
James and Regulus are both staring at him in disbelief.
Sirius wants them to date? James ruined his relationship because he feared Sirius' reaction and he wants them together?
James wants to throw up again.
"Okay, I know, the superficial stuff doesn't matter," Sirius continues, "James you're always intense, feeling everything intensely and that's too much for some people – not for me, I love you the way you are – but not for Reggie either. He is too rational at times. James, you're too selfless and never think about yourself, Reggie you're selfish a lot of times. James can make other people take care of themselves and Reggie can bully people into taking care of themselves, but neither of you can take care of yourself. James, you could make Regulus so happy. You're basically the only person I've ever seen making him laugh. And he could ground you a bit, take your mind off things, stop you from overthinking by looking at the facts rationally. – My point is: You complement each other. You could learn from each other. You are exactly what the other needs and it's impossible that you don't see that."
James sees it. He knows it. He knows exactly what Sirius means.
But he fucked up.
"And Regulus, I know you fear being put second, and abandoned and all that – but James would never do that. He is the best bloke I know. He is the only one who deserves you. He would always prioritise your happiness and never put you second."
James feels seriously sick at those words.
Regulus laughs humourlessly. "See, that is where you're wrong. That is exactly what he did."
Sirius looks down at him confused and then looks at James.
"Yeah, your little summer plan worked. We were together until two weeks ago. He chose you over me."
"That's not true," James protests. "I didn't choose, you chose for me."
"Because you wouldn't fucking choose. Instead, you kissed Lily in front of me and whined how it is all so unfair because you didn't want to upset Sirius." Regulus glares at him. "I told you – from the very fucking beginning I told you – I don't want to be put second by a lover. But you did it. You did every fucking day and expected me to just live with it because you decided to be a coward."
"I'm not a coward – I was worried for my friendships, Regulus."
Regulus scoffs. "Bullshit. You said you tried telling him and he is against is. Doesn't fucking sound like it to me."
Sirius cuts in. "Wait, you tried to tell me? When?"
"I asked you all the time what you would think about Regulus dating someone. You said you'd turn them inside out."
Sirius opens his mouth to protest, then closes it again and nods. "Yeah, sounds like me. But only because I wanted you two to get together and I didn't want anyone to get between you."
"Well, you should have fucking said so! I ruined my relationship because of your threats-"
"Don't you fucking get it?!" Regulus interrupts him, yelling. "It shouldn't matter! It shouldn't fucking matter what he says. I should have mattered. My feelings, not his."
James is caught off guard by the sudden burst of emotion in his voice. Ever since James kissed Lily, Regulus refused to show any feelings towards him. Now, he sounds genuinely distraught. He looks at him with all the disappointment and sadness he held back for the past weeks.
James hates that he put those feelings there. "I- I'm sorry," is all he can get past his lips.
"Fuck your sorry. Fuck you. Do you have any idea – any fucking idea – what you meant to me?"
James has to look away from him. "Well, you shagged Barty right after leaving me, so no, I don't know."
"I didn't shag Barty, you fucking idiot. And I'm not dating him either."
"You didn't?" and he can hear how stupidly hopeful he sounds as if this was even remotely the problem.
"No. I just broke up with my boyfriend you think I just go on shagging someone? Barty took me to our dorm and comforted me while I cried all night. I cried my fucking eyes out because the boy I fell in love with would rather see me go with someone else than chance upsetting my brother."
James bites down on his lip, hard. "You're in love with me?"
"Of course, I am, you useless piece of shit. Do you think I would have let you treat me the way you did if I didn't fucking love you?" Regulus pushes himself up from the couch. "But even I have some dignity left, James."
With this Regulus rushes out of the room and stomps up the stairs to his room. James flinches when he hears a door being thrown shut upstairs.
Sirius sighs deeply and sits down on the couch next to him.
"So," he says slowly, "Just to recap: You were together with my brother and you thought I'd get angry with you for making him happy and treating him well, so instead you treated him like shit, made his worst fears come true, kissed Lily in front of him and then let him leave with Barty – and you thought that would make me less angry than the thought of you sleeping with him?"
James bites down on his lip again. He is an idiot.
Sirius nods sharply and then rams his elbow into James' stomach. James groans and doubles over.
"Be glad that wasn't a knife or went to your balls."
James hisses and wraps his arms around his middle. His eyes water.
"I'm sorry," James groans, "I really am. I didn't want anyone to get hurt, okay? I tried to do right by everyone."
"Well, you failed miserably."
"I'm aware," he mutters.
"Fucking people-pleasing idiot. If you want something and it is in reach, you have to fucking take it and hold it close sometimes. Do you think I got my boyfriend by being nice and selfless? No. I locked a boy who wanted to date him in a broom closet for an hour so I could console Moony about being stood up. Even at the threat of me murdering you, you shouldn't have treated Reggie like this and let him go."
"I know. I'm sorry. ... Maybe it's better this way. I don't deserve him anyway."
"Of course, you don't. No one deserves him. But if anyone was to be ever good enough for him it's you. So, fucking fix this. He loves you. He wants you. You won't find anyone better."
"He doesn't want me anymore."
Sirius groans. "Gods, why are you so dumb? Why? Of course, he does. He just wants to be treated right. Maybe he wants you to grovel and beg. So, if you love him, you'll grovel. You'll grovel your fucking heart out, put all your dignity in front of him and pray that he takes you back. And then you will treat him like the fucking trophy he is. Do you understand?"
"I-"
"No, I mean now, James. Don't let him wait another second. Or do you not love him?"
"I love him," James says steadily. Oh, how much he fucking loves him. How much he misses him with every fibre of his being.
"Then fucking go." Sirius pretty much shoves him off the couch.
He slowly walks up the stairs to Regulus' room. He stops in front of the door, fist raised to knock. He stops himself.
He doesn't know what to say to him. Maybe it would be better to just leave him alone. Maybe someone else could treat him better. But if Regulus loves him and wants him... James is in love with him. He wants to make him happy. He wants to be brave and not care what others think. He wants to give Regulus everything but he isn't sure he can.
Before he can knock or leave, the door opens. Regulus stops dead in his tracks when he sees James. He has a bag in hand. James stares at the bag.
"Where are you going?"
"Pandora. Let me through."
"No." James can't let him go. Not like this. Everything in his body is protesting against letting him go. "Don't leave, please."
"Too little too late, James. Now that Sirius is okay with it, you can suddenly ask me to stay? Fuck that."
"I'm sorry. Regulus, really, I'm so fucking sorry. I don't know how to prove it to you, but I would do it differently if I could."
"No, you wouldn't. We both know you wouldn't. You want to do right by everyone, and that's noble and good and all that shit – but I want you to do right by me, not everyone. And you can't do that."
"I can."
"Obviously not. Now, let me go, I'm staying with Pandora for the rest of the break." He tries to push past him.
It just breaks out of James then: "I love you. I'm so fucking in love with you. Don't go."
Regulus stills. "We don't work, James," he says quietly. "Sirius is wrong. We don't complement each other. You're too selfless. I'm too selfish. It doesn't work."
"I just... I don't want to hurt anyone. But least of all you. I don't want anyone to be mad at me. Why is that such a problem?"
Regulus sighs. "Because you can't possibly please everyone, James. It's impossible. You'll always hurt someone or displease someone – but you have to choose who you'd rather hurt. A crowd of crying Gryffindors or your fucking boyfriend? You're a good person for being selfless. But then I don't need someone good. I need someone who wants me."
"I want you."
"Not enough. We tried. It didn't work out. Now, let me go."
"No." James clenches his jaw. He can feel tears settling in his eyes. "I want you. I fucking love you, Regulus. You want me to be selfish? Okay. I'll be selfish and possessive and fucking toxic if you want me to. To start with: I'm not letting you go. I'm not letting you leave this house."
He grabs Regulus and pushes him back into the room. He kicks the door shut. Regulus looks up at him surprised. Good, okay, he'll do what he fucking wants, he'll be selfish.
He cups Regulus' cheeks. Fine, he'll just kiss him without even asking for permission. He'll do it because he wants to.
Regulus looks up at him with impassive eyes. There is nothing there. Neither protest nor affirmation. He just waits for him to fail at something.
"Can I kiss you?" James whispers.
Regulus closes his eyes for a second and sighs. When he looks at him again, he looks disappointed, like James failed another test.
"Not if you have to ask."
"I can't just do things without permission. Especially kiss you."
"How noble. Well, my permission won't be enough, will it? You'll need to ask every single one of your friends first, make sure everyone is comfortable with you kissing a boy and a Slytherin, and then you'll need a signed permission slip from my brother. I don't have time for this James." He reaches up and pushes James' hands away. "Figure out what you want. Say fucking 'no' to people for once in your life, but don't bore me with fake displays of determination. If you wouldn't kiss me in front of your friends yelling at you not to do it, then I don't want you to it anyway."
He steps away from James picks up his bag and walks out, leaving James standing in the middle of the room. The tears burn when they run down his cheeks.
Later, Sirius yells at him before comforting him.
"Reggie is right," Sirius says eventually, "You need to say 'no' to people. You need to put up boundaries in your life. You'll burn out if you just try to please everyone all the time. You'll lose the truly important things. ... No matter whether you're dating my brother or someone else, your partner should come before your friends' amusement."
But James doesn't even see the point in it now. He can't imagine Regulus ever coming back to him now.
"You know me," Sirius says, "What makes you think Reggie is in any way less dramatic or less complicated? The boy grew up on star-crossed lover stories. He has a collection of love poetry and forbidden romance books. He wants to be fought for. He wants passion. He wants all-consuming love. He wants to be everything for another person, first choice, top priority. He wants you to make a fool out of yourself trying to win his heart while he rolls his eyes at you. And if anyone – anyone – is dramatic and intense enough about his love and his crushes to play Prince Charming, it's you. You just need to decide whether that's what you want. People will look at you weirdly for dating a Slytherin Boy. They will. Not everyone is going to love it. But they don't need to. You need to love it."
***
James doesn't see Regulus on the train ride back to Hogwarts. He thinks Regulus might be hiding from him.
He sees him in the Great Hall. Regulus comes in with his friends Barty, Evan, Pandora, and Dorcas. Barty is chatting animatedly about something. Regulus smiles faintly. It's fake.
James knows his real smile. He knows his laugh. He is responsible for making the boy laugh countless times. Now, he is also responsible for the boy's tears. And he doesn't know how to fix it. How could Regulus ever take him back?
James is sitting between Peter and Lily. Marlene is sitting across from Lily.
"James, how was your break?" Marlene asks. "Loads of time to think about things, huh?"
James nods absentmindedly. Regulus now sat down next to Barty, who seems to try his hardest to make him laugh by playing with his food.
"Finally remembered how great Lily is, then?"
James looks up. "Huh?"
"Come on, you've been pining over her for years and now you're playing hard to get? We all know you'll end up together, knew it for years."
"Marls, stop," Lily hisses. "He doesn't want to and that's okay."
Marlene rolls her eyes. "Oh, please. I don't believe that for one second. You two are supposed to be together. The cats and mouse game for years? A whole fucking rivalry with Snape? Now you're Head Boy and Head Girl. It is what it is. Who is ever supposed to be a better match?"
"Marlene, stop it," Lily says firmer now.
"Everyone is just waiting for it to happen anyway. We're all expecting it. Even have bets on it. Come on, Potter, don't disappoint us. I already have a bridesmaid dress for the wedding and a present for your first-born. His name will be Harry, Sirius and I will be the godparents."
James looks over to Regulus again. Lily is great, but he doesn't love her anymore. As a child, he made up scenarios about kids and a wedding with her, but he doesn't want it anymore. He wants Regulus. He wants to have a life with Regulus. He wants to come home to Regulus every day. He wants to have a wedding with Regulus at some point, not Lily, not anyone. He wants no one else but Regulus for the rest of time.
He looks back at Marlene, who looks at him expectantly. He holds her gaze while standing up.
He walks around the table, past the students, to the Slytherins. Heads turn when he marches through the hall like a man on a mission.
Regulus' friends notice him first. Evan whispers something to Regulus, who then looks up and turns with a frown.
James doesn't give him the time to ask what he wants. He simply cups his cheeks, leans down and kisses him.
The entire hall is dead-silent for about two seconds. James keeps kissing Regulus. They break out in gasps and whispers. James keeps kissing Regulus. He is quite sure Sirius is wolf-whistling from the other side of the hall.
Regulus' hand comes up to his nape, the other to his shoulder. James' knees get weak with relief when Regulus kisses him back.
James finally pulls back to breathe, his hands still on Regulus' cheeks.
"James, people are staring," Regulus whispers.
"I don't care," James says quickly, eyes closed.
"Your face is as red as your tie."
"Okay, maybe I do care but I don't want to. I want you. Take me back, please."
Regulus pecks his lips again and pulls his face out of James' grasp. James opens his eyes again. Regulus makes space on the bench between him and Dorcas. He pats the spot next to him and James sits down. Regulus smiles and leans into his side, James wraps an arm around him and pointedly doesn't look at anyone else in the hall, so he doesn't have to see their reaction.
"You'll need to help me saying 'no' sometimes."
"I will. And I'll hex everyone who tries to give you a hard time. I promise."
James closes his eyes and kisses the top of his head. "I love you."
"I love you, too. Thank you, Jamie."
__________________________
AN: The new Fall Out Boy album is so fucking GOOOOD!!!!
I needed so long to finish this bc I didn't know how to fix the ending. Like, at the point where they are at home for Christmas, it felt unsalvagable but I needed to get them their happy ending.
Anyway, hope you liked it tho <3