My midterm grade in math was beyond what I had expected. It made me smile after seeing it. But I soon concealed my reaction when someone asked about it.
"Ano'ng score mo sa midterm?" a classmate of mine in math asked. "Secret," sagot ko.
I never say my results to people who are not my family. Nalalaman na lang nila kapag recognition or graduation. I'm not fond of people gushing or bashing my scores or grades. 'Di ko kailangan ng mga reaksyon o salita nila. Alam ko na proud si Daddy palagi, and that was enough for me.
"Damot talaga ni Dani sa grades!" reklamo no'ng nagtanong sa akin. Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at lumabas na.
"Will you go home agad?" William asked as we walked and saw the Oble before the RH. "Yes, why?" tanong ko.
"Tara, Pobla," aya niya bago kami makadaan sa guard at gate. "Kain muna tayo ng dinner," si Franko habang nilalabas ang phone niya.
"Lara, sama ka, 'di naman Friday, e," hinawakan ni William ang siko ni Lara at pinisil-pisil ang kaibigan namin. Lara nodded and asked where we'd drink.
I glanced at the vendors on the pavements. May ilang cup noodles ang binebenta. 'Yong iba naman, mga tinapay o candy. Minsan, nakita ko na silang pinaalis dahil... bawal yata.
But then, I wonder how else they'll make money if they're forbidden to work...
Bumalik na naman ako sa pagkukuwestiyon ng mundo. The lessons and lectures must really be changing me... Lara's right.
"Iwan na lang namin gamit namin sa condo mo, Dani," sabi ni William bigla. "Huh?"
"Diretso na tayong Pobla after dinner, e, we don't have time to go home na. Kunin na lang namin bukas ng umaga, bago mag-class."
"Ahh, okay. Ano'ng sasakyan natin papuntang Pobla?"
Franko answered, "Grab na lang, share-share na lang tayo."
Hmm... Kuya said I shouldn't use Grab or taxi alone, not with people... I'll text them to be sure, para na rin masabi kong kailangan ko ng susundo sa akin mamaya.
Naligo muna ako habang ang mga kaibigan ko ay kumain na sa RobMan. Lara said she'll retouch her makeup in my unit before we leave. Sabi ko, mag-chat siya kapag papasok siya since nasa banyo ako.
Drinking on a Thursday night wasn't new to me. Because Lara had a family thing on Fridays, we usually drank on Thursdays during the last semester.
While I was spraying cologne, Lara messaged me and said she'd come to my unit to fix herself.
"Wow, you look hot," Lara said when she saw me looking at my reflection.
Sinuot ko ang nag-iisa kong heels, a black block heels, at tinignan muli ang kabuuan ko. My army green off-shoulder top was partnered with white high-waisted pants. Hindi ako naglagay ng kahit ano masiyado sa mukha ko, tinamad na ako. Just some sunscreen, eyeliner and lipstick. Then, I tied my hair.
"You don't want to put some colors on your eyelid?" Lara asked as she wiped her face with a wet wipe.
"Katamad," I sat on my bed and checked my charging phone. "Ako na lang, I'll put!" hinayaan ko siya sa gusto niya at nag-phone na.
After 30 minutes, Lara was done with my makeup and hers. Umihi siya bago dumating ang mga lalaki kong kaibigan para ibaba ang mga bag nila.
Then, I remembered that I haven't messaged my brothers.
Kinuha ko ang phone ko na kanina'y nakatago na sa maliit kong bag at nagtipa ng text.
"Oh? Ano 'yan, Dani? Fastest typer wins one million?" mapanuyang saad ni William habang hinahawakan ang baywang ko. "Bango mo, ah," bulong niya.
"Makahawak ka, 'di ba, may crush ka sa CP?" balik ko bago mag-send ng message sa dalawang Kuya ko.
"Wala, may boyfriend 'yon, ikaw na lang." William then kissed my nape.
Natulak ko siya sa gulat at malakas 'yon. Kaya naman napaupo siya sa kama ko. Franko looked taken aback by my reaction, same as William.
The three of us stared at each other for a moment before I spoke up.
William and I were usually the ones bantering in our group, but he was still a good friend to me. Recently, he began being touchy, I didn't give it any thought, but I wasn't going to let this one slide. It made me awkward.
"Don't kiss me so casually, William," mariin kong wika sa kaibigan bago kumuha ng baso para uminom ng tubig.
Napaubo si William at tumayo muli. "Sorry, I thought it was-"
"It's not okay," pigil ko kay William. "Besides, friends don't do that kind of thing. And, that's what we are, we're only friends," tumango si William sa aking dineklara.
At first, when we traveled, it was quiet, the edgy type of quiet. Lara asked me why the air was weird when she got out of my bathroom, and I told her about William kissing me. William apologized again while we were on the way to the pub, saying he wouldn't kiss me again. I nodded and didn't speak to him.
Setting boundaries was sometimes awkward, but it shouldn't be.
After all, comfort and respect should never be compromised.
"Ano? You guys want beer ba or-" Lara couldn't finish her question because of Franko's interruption. "Beer? Kadiri, GSM na lang."
Binatukan naman ni Lara si Franko. "Nagtatanong lang, e, fine! Dani, how about you?" she then turned to me. "I want mojito," I said before I looked around.
Hindi masiyadong maraming tao rito, not usually, at least. Maybe it's because it's a weekday, kaya hindi crowded. Masarap pa na sumayaw sa gitna dahil kakaunti lang ang mga katawan na gumagalaw ro'n. But I wouldn't dare dance there. Kami ni Lara ay rito lang sumasayaw, at kakaunting galaw lang din ang aming ginagawa.
Chill dancers, we were.
"Did you guys see Mari's post recently?" Lara opened up a conversation to kill the still dead air. "What post?" I asked as the waiter gave us our drinks.
"Nag-share siya ng heartbreak post, is he seeing anyone? Akala ko kay William 'yon patay na patay," nagkibit-balikat ako dahil wala namang naikukuwento sa akin si Mari.
"He is crazy about William, even though I told him you had a crush on someone from CP," I turned my gaze to William.
"You still use he for Mari? Hindi ba siya she?" Franko asked while he poured his shot glass some GSM.
"He hasn't really confirmed it yet, so I still use he and him," sagot ko dahil ayaw kong pangunahan si Mari.
"How about you, Lara? I heard may nagpaparamdam from Bio, ah," nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi ni Franko. "Really?!" I asked.
"Sa'n mo naman narinig 'yan?" Lara was dodging the question, so she had me curious.
"Si Mari, nasabi sa akin recently," agad na napairap si Lara dahil sa isiniwalat ni Franko. "Napakadaldal!" ani Lara.
"'Wag ka na magulat, his tongue is just unstoppable," I said before drinking.
"Hirap magkuwento sa kaniya, hindi na nga ako magsasalita kapag kausap ko siya," natawa si William at nag-joke. "Naging pipe!"
"Anyway, yeah, I am seeing someone from Bio, pero recent lang 'yon," Lara explained as she got her chaser ready. She gulped down a shot and her chaser in a matter of seconds.
"How'd you meet?" tanong ko. "He sort of asked our common friend to let us meet one time, so I gave him a chance."
"So far, how has it been? How long na ba?" I asked. "Three weeks pa lang, so far... okay lang. He's malambing, guwapo naman, humble—which I super like because his program already says a lot about him. Kasi, 'di ba, kaunti lang tinatanggap sa Bio rito sa UPM?"
All of us nodded in response. Literal na iilang blocks lang ang Bio rito sa UP campus na 'to. Kahit naman sa ibang program, kaunti lang din ang students. I guess the school's trying to maintain its prestige feels.
Pero kung government funded naman 'to, hindi ba dapat mas maraming ma-accomodate?
Oh, well. Kahit nga education sector 'yong pinakamalaking portion sa national budget kada taon, hindi magawang ayusin 'yong estado ng edukasiyon, e, dagdagan pa kaya 'yong number of students?
"Future doctor ba 'yan?" si William kay Lara. "Ewan, sabi niya undecided pa siya if he'll pursue medicine after college, e."
"Wait, if he asked your common friend to meet, e 'di, kilala ka niya? Pa'no?" Franko questioned as he put his arm on the top of the backrest.
"Yeah, apparently, friends kami sa Facebook. I think he added me no'ng time na kasisimula pa lang ng first sem. 'Di ba, everyone was adding everyone since new school and all," tumango kami, "ayon, that's how he knew me."
"Gets, 'tsaka, maliit lang naman UPM, hindi malabong kakilala natin 'yong nasa ibang programs," William said.
Franko then asked about my situation with the whole commute thing.
"It's fine, I've gone to Lara on my own now," ngumiti si William. "Big girl na," he patted my head as a joke. I lightly punched his stomach making him laugh.
"Now, I'm learning how to go to William alone," Franko nodded. "Tapos, papaturo ka pumunta sa akin, right?" I nodded at Franko's question.
"Bakit ba kasi bawal sa condo mo? 'Yon ang pinakamadali for you, ah, 'tsaka sa amin din," reklamo ni Franko.
"My brothers are strict, like, super," tumango si Lara at sumegunda. "'Wag n'yo na subukan, they treat her very preciously. Ayaw nga mag-Grab 'tsaka taxi mag-isa, e."
"No'ng nasa Batangas ka, gano'n din sila?" William asked. I drank again before answering. "Yeah, hatid-sundo ako palagi. Kahit no'ng first sem, 'di ba?"
"Right, you had a driver back then," ani Franko sabay tango ni William. "Yup."
Throughout the night, all of us had finished a couple of drinks before we were brave enough to dance. Lara was with me while William was with a different set of people, probably people he knew. Franko, on the other hand, was also dancing, but on the dancefloor, with a girl.
"You know, the guy I'm dating is a literal noob," Lara whispered to me as she moved. "What do you mean? A noob in what?"
"In the sexy part of a relationship! He hasn't initiated a kiss, ever, ako palagi. We've made out, but he always drew a line, a limitation," natawa ako.
"Baka maging first girlfriend ka niya, ah," she smiled and rolled her eyes at my remark. "I don't know, I'm not a big fan of his prude side," again, I laughed.
Considering Lara and I rarely talked about our past romantic attachments, it's kind of surprising to know her thoughts on this new guy. I had a hunch that she was all talk and no sex, yet this conversation proved me wrong.
When I felt a tinge of excitement down there, I excused myself from Lara and went to the hall of the bathroom.
I was about to go into the comfort room when someone tapped my shoulder making me halt. When I looked at the person, he was the same guy who was an old schoolmate of mine that I saw in España.
"We meet again, Iska!" he enthusiastically says.
"Hey... bathroom," I pointed to the women's comfort room to get away from him because I still don't remember his name.
When I got out, he was still there. Umihi rin ba siya o... hinintay niya ako?
"Who are you with?" he asked when he saw me walking out of the bathroom. "Friends," I showed a small smile, "I better get back to them. Nice seeing you here."
I turned around and made a step, but he grabbed my arm without warning to maybe make me stay and talk. However, his touch creeped me out. I was suddenly reminded of the beggar who casually held me because this guy was holding me in my arm as well.
Fear crawled within me and conquered me.
Nilayo ko ang kamay ko at naramdaman ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko. O paghirap sa paghinga ba 'to? Hindi ko na alam kung alin ba talaga ang nangyayari.
"Grabe naman 'yang reaction mo, wala naman akong ketong," natatawang sabi no'ng lalaki.
Umiling ako at lumayo na sa kaniya. I tried to breathe properly, but it was difficult.
Was this a panic attack?
I put my hand on a wall and used my other hand to hold my chest. I heaved in and out, but I was still uneasy. I could feel the mark that the beggar gave me spreading on my body.
Para akong nalulunod dahil sa nangyari noon, ang hirap bumuga ng hinga at humigop ng hangin.
Eyes closed, I tried to breathe again but to no avail. Literal na nalalagutan ako ng hininga.
My eyes were beginning to water when I felt a warm pair of hands hold my shoulders. I turned my head and saw Graham with furrowed brows. My uneven breathing was obvious to him, so he put his hand on my back and whispered to me, "slowly."
I was looking at him as I followed his word. He repeated it and breathed with me. Graham's moving chest was all I could see beside his face.
"Huwag kang magmadali sa paghinga, hindi mauubos ang hangin. Kaya mo 'yan, calm your heart down."
After a few minutes, my tears retreated and I was able to breath normally. Graham's hands were now holding my hands, hindi ko na napansin na mula sa balikat ay binaba niya pala.
"What did that guy tell you? Binastos ka?" agad kong nakuha ang ibig niyang sabihin, kaya naman umiling ako. "I just..."
When I looked at Graham, I realized he was very close to me. Dumami na ang tao, kaya siguro ay natulak siya papalapit sa akin no'ng may dumaraan sa likod niya.
"Naalala ko lang 'yong pulubing hinawakan ako, 'yong..." tumango si Graham. "Naalala ko ang sinasabi mo, kaya ka nag-react ng gano'n no'ng hawakan ka no'ng lalaki na 'yon."
I nodded and stared at our hands. Graham looked down as well and he let go of me at ipinunas ang mga palad sa pantalon niya.
"Sorry, I was just-" I interrupted him. "It's okay, Graham. I know."
Graham nodded and we looked at each other again. "Where is your table? I'll walk you there." I pointed to where Lara was.
"Tara?" tumango ako at naglakad na.
As I walked, I began to think about why I reacted that way towards my old schoolmate's touch. No'ng nangyari naman ang insidente no'ng pulubi, hindi ganito kalala ang epekto sa akin, ah—o baka, ngayon pa lang siya umeepekto.
"Do you think it's weird that I reacted that way? Wala naman talagang relasyon 'yong sa pulubi at saka 'yong ngayon." I told Graham, but because the music was loud and people were chatting around us, my words were incoherent.
So, he lowered his head and asked me to repeat my words. But I was taken aback because of our proximity, yet again.
"I-I asked if..." Graham turned to me a bit while walking and bending his neck. "Hmm?"
"If you think it's weird na I reacted that way kanina kahit na wala namang relation 'yong lalaki at 'yong pulubi."
Nakarating na kami sa table ko nang harapin niya ako at sagutin. Lara was shocked to see her cousin and was about to speak to him when Graham talked to me.
"No, it's like trauma, somehow. Although trauma is a deep-rooted concept and must be declared by a doctor, what happened to you is something similar because it has depth. Hindi madaling makalimutan 'yon, Eloise. Na-trigger ka dahil hinawakan ko no'ng lalaki kanina, hindi 'yon weird. It's a natural reaction to a past disturbing experience."
Graham's calm voice talking washed over my questions. It's as if he answered them, well he did, but his answer felt more profound than an answer.
He was assuring me.
That felt very relieving and better.
"Bakit ka nandito, Gray?" Lara butted in and finally asked her cousin. "My friend's birthday, Lara."
Tahimik ako na naupo at tinabihan ni Lara. Graham also sat beside me, kaya nagulat ako at napatitig sa kaniya.
"I just want to keep an eye on you. My cousin looks like she's drunk already." He said even though I didn't ask him why he stayed.
"Kayo lang ba nandito?" umiling ako. "We're with William and Franko."
Sakto na dumating ang dalawa kong lalaking kaibigan. Inakala at inasahan kong aalis na si Graham, pero hindi siya gumalaw mula sa tabi ko.
And even in a situation like this, I still felt... something for him.
"Lasing na rin sila..." Graham said as if convincing me that he was still needed.
I guess... he's right.