"Together." Bellamy's words echo in her ears one last time before pulling the lever that would end hundreds of human lives, children and adults alike.
"I have to save them." Clarke whispers, while her skin starts itching as if a scourge of mosquitoes had stung her at the same time. The feeling then intensifies as she bursts into flames which seep into her skin and cloud her lungs preventing her from breathing.
"I had to save them!" Her repeated screams waking her out of the nightmare that's been tormenting her for months.
Lexa tries to calm her, laying her hands gently on her shoulders, but Clarke is a mess, she's out of breath, her eyes are widened and her heart is beating too fast. She's never seen her like this but she can't show any sign of worry, she must be her rock, like she's been for the past three months.
"Breathe Clarke, we've been through this many times and we've always won, you just have to breathe."
Since the panic attacks had started, Lexa has consulted the Capital's doctor who gave her some advice on how to face them, like for example looking for physical touch, even though her presence more often than not didn't help because she was, her very own self, a part of the nightmares.
"This will never end, I just wanted a normal life." Tears contribute to the shake of Clarke's even more. She gasps desperately for air, her abdomen convulsing painfully every time she let out a sob.
Lexa fears that Clarke is right and yet she really believed that she could help her and that she could give her everything that she had promised her three months ago in TonDC.
3 MONTHS BEFORE, TONDC.
"I need to talk to the Commander." Clarke glares at Indra who is standing in the way of the entrance of the Commander's tent.
She didn't leave Camp Jaha just to find a door closed in her face. She didn't abandon her mother, Bellamy and her friends just to find herself alone again. They couldn't understand what was going on, yes they did it together but it was on her head that the crown was resting. Just like Lexa, she had to make tough choices to save her people but she's survived and she wanted to know how. She was the only person who could fix her.
"I don't think that's a good idea, Clarke." Indra tells her crossing her arms and keeping her stare on Clarke.
She fears a thirst for vengeance and even though she didn't agree with the plan of the Commander's, she swore loyalty and protection to her.
Eventually Clarke pulls out her knife and gun and throws them away, seething with anger and exasperation. "Now get out of my way." She didn't have time to lose with these stupid diplomatic games.
"Let her in, Indra."
Hearing the Commander's order, Indra slightly shifts to the left but she never loses sight of Clarke. She studies her, like she was taught how to do with enemies.
"I'm not the enemy, I've never been it." She remarks disillusioned before entering Lexa's tent.
"I heard that you left your weapons at the entrance, so if you don't want to kill me, to what do I owe the honor then Clarke?" Lexa searches her eyes with her own gaze, letting her mind go back to those times when she could almost call her hers and look into those blue eyes without feeling the guilt clawing at her stomach.
Almost wasn't perfect but it was better than never, to which she had to settle for now since she was the Commander. Almost was a privilege she could've never afforded.
"Is your offer to go to the Capitol still valid?"
Lexa's thought about so many reasons why Clarke was there but she would have never imagined that that was the reason, yet, instead of accepting that miracle or destiny's joke, she needed to know why Clarke was reconsidering her proposal.
"I killed hundreds of people to save mine, you left my people die to save yours. We've both done horrible things and now I need normal. I need to live a normal life, I gave up the crown."
The thought of Bellamy made her stomach queasy but as they had said so many times before, it had to be done. He knew how to take care of himself and their people and right now they needed a different kind of leader.
"We don't get a normal life, Clarke, we-" Lexa couldn't finish her sentence as Clarke washes over her like a hurricane, her lips that used to be so soft, are now stormy and rough and they crash against Lexa's, teeth against teeth, unable to match each other like two different pieces of a puzzle.
"Clarke..." Lexa says under her breath, she steps back a few inches as if it is something forbidden.
"Tell me that you can give me a normal life. Please." Clarke pulls Lexa close as she speaks, laying her hands on her hips and pressing their foreheads together.
"Aster will be glad to have us there." Lexa nods slowly, looking at the bit of hope growing in Clarke's eyes. Aster had been her teacher, along with Anya before she had become Commander. She raised her after her parents died and she was the only thing closer to a sister that she had. It would be nice to see her again and since Lexa had no power in Polis, things were supposed to be simpler for them, as Clarke said, normal. After everything Clarke's been through, partially because of her, she couldn't say no and take away the thing that she herself had taught her to have...hope.
3 MONTHS LATER, POLIS.
"Don't you think you should go see Flax? Aster told me that she found some new herbs that seem to have miraculous calming effects..." Lexa sits near Clarke who has finally calmed down from her panic attack but she didn't dare to stand up from the bed.
"Oh yeah? Are they able to go back in time and stop you from killing hundreds of people at Mount Weather?" She asks arrogantly, casting her sarcastic gaze on Lexa.
It's been weeks since Lexa had first tried to convince her to go see the Capitol's doctor but she believed that only the sick go to the doctor's and she isn't ill, she's just haunted by her past. Plus, she's a healer and she knows that there is nothing she can do for her actual condition.
"It's been three months Clarke, you need to try to move on."
It is easy for Lexa but Clarke isn't like her. She can't just forget.
"I can't do it, okay? I'm not like you, I can't commit mass murders and then pretend that nothing happened. I can't turn off my emotions and move on and Flax's herbs won't help me forget what kind of person I am!" Clarke yells.
"Keep your voice down Clarke, you don't want everyone to hear you." Lexa tries to placate her
"So what if they do? Will your dear friend Aster expel us from Polis? Won't Flax give me her miraculous herbs? Oh boohoo, how am I going to survive?" She retorts, her tone rising in volume.
"You're talking about our Commander, who took us in without asking for anything in return. Who took you in," she emphasizes, "so yes, you may want to keep your voice down and what do you want me to do? I gave you everything, Clarke I gave you a place to stay, a new life, my heart, what more can you possibly want from me?" Lexa has always been patient, she knew that Clarke wasn't exactly herself right now and needed time to heal. She knows that Clarke often says things she doesn't mean and regrets it seconds later but sometimes she can't take it anymore. She's only got so much control. "Tell me what you want Clarke because I don't think I can deal with your attitude any longer!" She screams at the blonde, stopping just to take a breath.
"You're right, you gave me everything I asked you. You've been caring, loving and I realized that I've never thanked you for that. Perhaps, what I asked of you, what I wanted from you, isn't what I need anymore. I need my people now." Clarke lowers her voice back to normal, coming to the conclusion that she's been searching for months.
"And what about our people?" Lexa feels strange saying it but she means it. They've spent three months there, they've made new friends and Clarke was starting to fit in, she had thought they were going to stay.
"I'm sorry, I really am. I don't know what's been going on with me in the past months and I don't want to destroy our chances at being together but I figured that if I want to be okay, I need to go back. I have to stop running from my problems." Clarke speaks honestly and let the tears stream down her face. She doesn't want to disappoint Lexa, that's the last thing she wanted to do but she had to speak truly to herself and who knows, maybe the nightmares will stop once she does.
"I understand. Let's start packing, we'll leave tomorrow."Clarke had turned to her to find happiness and now that she has figured out how to get it, Lexa couldn't be the one standing in the way, so she ignores the heart breaking in her chest and starts picking up her stuff for their homecoming.
2 MONTHS BEFORE, POLIS.
If there's something that the Sky People and the Tree People have in common is breakfast. Not what they eat because Clarke used to have ration packs on the Ark and now she's having delicious eggs but the fact that they all join together to eat.
It's one of Clarke's favorites moments of the day because even though she still feels like an outsider when they're all together she feels less lonely and like she's part of something. The first month has been awful, she shut everyone out and she barely talked to anyone but like Lexa said, they were her people now and she had to at least, show some sign of gratitude.
"Lexa, would you train with me? Show the new warriors how it's done."
"Of course." Lexa finishes her meal and then follows Aster, leaving Clarke in the halfpenny place. "Sorry." She raises the forefinger returning quickly to the blonde and kissing her on the cheek. "Ai hod yu in."
"I really hope it means I love you or I'll sound like a total idiot."
"It does." Lexa chuckles a little.
"Ai hod yu in." Clarke smiles and watches her leave with the Polis Commander.
"Hi, is it Clarke, right?" A tall girl with auburn braided hair approaches her, sitting down next to her.
"Yes. Sorry, I don't remember your name." Or probably, she never even learned it.
"I'm Flax, the village healer. Lexa told me you're a healer too?"
"Yeah, sort of. My mom was one from where we came from."
"I understand. Listen, it's my turn to chop firewood today. Would you like to help me?"
She promised Lexa that she would try to make some friends, plus she didn't have anything better to do so she nodded and followed her into the woods.
***
"Good job warrior, you almost out-matched me." Aster stretches out a hand to help Lexa up, who has been struggling for five minutes trying to defeat Aster but nobody, literally, succeeds in doing that.
"Sometimes physical strength is not what makes you win in a fight. That's why you have to be smart enough to anticipate your enemy's moves. You need to learn his body language and use it against him. We'll take from here tomorrow." Aster dismisses her trainee warriors, then walks away with Lexa. It's been so long since she was teaching these very things to her and now she is a grown up, with her own army. It must have been hard giving up all of that.
"How's Clarke? Is she fitting in?" She asks, looking at Lexa for her reaction.
"It's hard, she still has nightmares sometimes but she's getting better. She's trying." It's pointless lying to her, Aster knows her and her body language since she was a child.
"You must really love her?" The way she says it sounds more like a question, that's why Lexa wonders if she's suggesting something else.
"What are you implying?"
"I mean, giving up being Commander. Moving back to your home village, for her."
"She needs this and I need to give us a chance." She explains.
"You always liked being in charge of something, your eyes lit up every time someone gave you a task, you liked the adrenaline and the responsibility and you always did what you had to do without complaining. Like a real leader should do. But you always had a big heart too and that led you to terrible choices as Commander but brilliant ones too."
The thought of Costia punched Lexa right in the stomach. She was her terrible choice. If only she had stayed in Polis, she would probably still be alive. But their love numbed her brain and she wasn't able to think about staying away from her. She made a choice and she had to deal with the consequences.
"You won a war against the Mountain Men without bloodbaths. You used your intelligence instead of your physical strength. You are a great Commander." Aster continued.
"Actually, Clarke won the war, and I know, she's not Costia. I'm not trying to replace her, to fix my mistakes." Lexa finally figures out Aster's point and she can't help but disagree with what she's implying.
"That's right, you don't owe her anything."
***
"Aster must respect Lexa a lot, she's always training with her." Clarke says walking through the woods with Flax.
"Yes, everyone does. She's been through a lot."
"Yeah, but she seems happy now, doesn't she?" Clarke can't help but wonder if she made the right choice to take Lexa away from her people in TonDC and her role of Commander. Of course she was happy she had done it but she couldn't bare Lexa resenting her in the future.
"You make her happy." Flax reassures her and Clarke smiles at that. "Can I ask you something? How did you know... that you loved her?"
"I love her because she gets me. She knows what crosses my mind even before saying it. She's helped me finding myself when I was lost. Do you have someone you feel the same way about?" She asks, it was easy loving Lexa.She's never been the gossip type but she was trying to making friends and that's what girls do, right? Even on the ground.
"Not really. I deal almost every day with sick people who need me to be there and care for them and I know who I am. I am the girl everyone needs, so for me it's not a person. It's all of them."Clarke thinks of her mother, of all the sacrifices she had to make every day on the Ark to keep all of their people alive, how it cost her and how her father paid the price. After all, these people weren't savages anymore than she or her mother were.
"But it's okay to want something for yourself, sometimes."
"Now we're talking about you, aren't we?" Flax looks at her perceptively.
"I needed a break from being the girl everyone needs. But that doesn't mean that I don't like being her. And I know that Lexa feels the same way, it's just that I'm afraid that she'll grow to hate me for that, in the future."
"You know, we love having you here but you're not our prisoners, you're free to leave anytime you want. Besides, Lexa could never hate you, she can't stop talking about you, it's exhausting." Clarke chuckles, she can't really imagine Lexa doing that but she's glad she does because she can't stop talking about her either.
"Now, help me carry these logs and let's get you back to your lady." Clarke smiles, maybe making friends wasn't as hard as she thought it would be.
***
"Everyone really loves you here. They ask you for political strategies and advice, especially Aster, even though I have a feeling she's not particularly fond of me..." Clarke says doubtful, looking into her brown eyes. "Oh, and today I went chopping firewood with a girl named Flax, it was kind of fun."She adds excitedly, she's starting to like Polis but most of all she likes lying in bed with Lexa.
They're trying to fall asleep but Clarke is not tired. She's used to see Lexa being treated as a feared and respected warrior, but she's never seen anyone treat her like a person. It's good seeing that she's loved and admired, simply because she's Lexa and not the Commander of the Tree People.
"Aster is overprotective, she only wants what's best for me but she doesn't know what that means. As regards to everyone else, I spent my childhood here, they've known me since I was born." It's typical of Lexa not taking a compliment but trying to explain it. It is the way she's been raised, with the head and not the heart.
"Then, I don't really know how they still keep up with you." Clarke jokes, tickling Lexa and grabbing her by the hips, drawing them closer together.
"Well, I was an ordinary kid, I never complained much and followed the rules-"
"I was joking." Clarke laughs, interrupting Lexa. "But I like hearing about your childhood, tell me more?"
"It's not a happy story but here we go. My parents died when I was a little girl. My mother was sick, probably because of radiation and when she went away my father lost it. They said to me that he died valiantly fighting for his people but Aster told me all the details of that battle and it was super easy, I mean we were trained and the enemies weren't and there shouldn't have been any bloodbath. My dad had just let them kill him." She has never talked about these things with anyone, besides Aster but she felt it was the right thing to do. Clarke was a worthy listener.
"You know, my dad was killed too. By my mother. I know you think that we are too soft but on the Ark our ways were harsh, just like yours. We couldn't afford any mistakes by anyone and the mistake my dad did was wanting to tell the truth. We were dying and the administration was trying to find a way to cover it up, that's why they sent us here, to Earth. That's why my mom had to shut him up for good. I bet she had nightmares for a while, as well."
"You'll go through it, you'll find your way." Lexa smiles, softly caressing Clarke's face.
"Keep talking, I like the sound of your voice when you open up to me." Lexa's voice was sort of soothing to Clarke and there were so many things that she didn't know about Lexa but wanted to know. She wanted to know everything.
"Aster raised me, after my parents died. She taught me how to fight, how to control my feelings, how to lead my people. Costia was her second, she was a few years younger than me and when the time came to be Commander and leave Polis, I asked her to come with me. Everyone knew that I was crazy about her, she was my rock and in some way I was hers, so even though she still had some years of training in Polis, she accepted and joined me in TonDC. Sadly, the Ice Nation knew that too, so in order to break me they took her. The pain and the guilt had been heartbreaking but I was the Commander and I couldn't let the feelings take over, so I remembered, what happened to my father. He let the pain overwhelm him and he killed himself because of it, I couldn't let that happen to me too. Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. (Get knocked down, get back up.)"
"Is it possible to love you more than before? Thank you. I can imagine how hard it must be talking about that." Clarke looks adoringly at Lexa, she feels so blessed to have such a strong person by her side.
"Not with you." Lexa smiles and gently kisses her lips. "Now let's get some sleep, we have an audience tomorrow."
"Let's get some sleep." Clarke whispers her agreement, even though she no longer knows what that means.
2 MONTHS LATER, POLIS.
"So are you really going home, huh? I'm positive you're doing the right thing, make sure to take care of yourself."
Clarke smiled gratefully at Flax, taking her herbs with her. Lexa was right, these people had taken her in and tried to help her without asking for anything in return and the least she could do was let them help her before saying her goodbyes.
"Yes, thank you so much Flax, for all of your help, I'll pay you all visit soon, I promise."
After saying goodbye to everyone, Clarke heads towards the Capitol's doors with Lexa by her side. Lexa couldn't help but think about what would happen to them, once they came back to the reality of it all. She knew that Polis was a temporary stop-over but it had been so easy to fall back into the illusion that it was just the two of them against the world. In Polis they were just Clarke and Lexa but in their villages they were the leaders and they had duties towards their people and she had to let her go for the same reason she took her in...to make her happy.
"Your people will be happy to have you back." Clarke tells her with a look towards Lexa.
Clarke can't help but get lost in her brown eyes, she was so beautiful and she couldn't believe her luck at having her in her life.
"Indra is taking care her of them, they're fine." Lexa informs her absent-mindedly. She doesn't like that distinction between their people but it was the way things were, the way they have always been.
"They'll be glad to see you, maybe slightly less to see me but I brought back their Commander, so they should thank me." Clarke giggles a little, it was classic of her to fixate on a topic without noticing the discomfort that it caused Lexa. It was part of her personality and Lexa had learn how to deal with that.
"Your people will be enthusiastic, especially Bellamy." She didn't mean to let her jealousy shine through her words but she never quite understood how things were between them, if something had ever happened or if it was just mutual trust due to their roles as leaders.
"Hey." Clarke stops, standing in front of Lexa. She thinks she has figured out why she was acting so weird and cold since they had left Polis. "I want this. Going back to Camp Jaha doesn't mean that I'm giving up on us."
"When we are back there, we will be the Commanders of two opposite clans, it would be difficult to have an us." Lexa looks straight in front of her because she knows that if she looked into Clarke's eyes it would be impossible to end it.
"Complicated is our thing." Clarke declares, forcing Lexa to look into her eyes. "You saved me, I'm not letting you go so easily." They both smile but it's hard to push Lexa's sadness away, given that she knows the truth. "Ai hod yu in, Leksa kom trikru." (I love you, Lexa of Tree People.) Clarke comes closer to her, cupping her face with her hands but Lexa's eyes are already someplace else.
"Nou otaim hodnes ste pleni." (Not always love is enough.) She quavers taking a step back from Clarke and leading the way to the camp, they still had a long way to go.
Clarke is mad and sad and suddenly she doesn't have anything left to say to Lexa, so she keeps walking a few steps behind her for the remaining hours of walk. The silence is awkward but right now it is louder than any fight they have ever had. She doesn't really know how to fix things, she didn't know that coming back to the camp would have caused this, she thought that Lexa would be happy as well but clearly she still hasn't fully cracked her.
"I'm sorry Clarke, you know that's not what I want?" Lexa breaks the silence after a while, tilting her head to the side, without turning around. Meeting Clarke's eyes would break her.
"Shut up." What is she supposed to say? Agree with her? How can she do that when she destroyed everything they had built in the past three months?
"Clarke..."
"Can we move, please? I can't wait to see my mother again." Clarke says briefly, she's decided to put up a barrier and it was the only way not to crumble in front of her eyes.
Despite stepping up the pace, after that conversation, the walk seemed even longer.
"Okay, I think it's time to split up, I don't want to steal you from your people any longer than I have." Clarke quips, crossing her arms and catching Lexa's eyes just for a moment.
"It's not very wise to walk alone in these woods, let me accompany you. I won't come in, I swear." She attempts worried, knowing the nature of this territory.
"As you wish." Clarke shrugs her shoulders unconcerned but now leading the way.
Once they get to Camp Jaha, Clarke takes a minute to admire the gates from which she had walked away from broken and beyond repair, a few months ago. It seems like nothing's changed, even though she has a feeling that the camp is bigger.
"Thank you for accompanying me Lexa and for everything else." She says honestly.
"My pleasure." Not knowing what to do, Lexa remains silent and still and watches as Clarke walks through the gates for the last time.
It is funny how Clarke feels the same heaviness in her heart that she felt three months ago before walking that same path. What is her place? What is the right choice to make?
The first person she sees is her mother who nearly faints with emotions running through her. She hugs her so tight that Clarke worries she'll break her bones.
"Clarke, you're back. Where have you been?" Abby asks her worriedly, gently cupping her face.
"I've been with Lexa, in Polis." It was pointless to lie to her, Clarke already knows that she probably disapproves but she's so tired of pretending that she can't do it anymore.
"And where is she now?" Abby wonders, looking around for her, triggering Clarke's curiosity.
"She's back to her village, we can't certainly be together now." A hint of anger and bitterness is noticeable in her words. She really doesn't want to talk about it.
"Didn't you hear? There is no more distinction between Sky People and Tree People, we've decided to join together in case another threat like Mount Weather falls upon us."
Clarke widens her eyes at her mother's statement. In fact, not much further from them she notices Indra talking to Raven and Lincoln to Jasper, pairings that she had never imagined seeing together. In a flash, Clarke sprints out of camp to catch up with Lexa as soon as possible but she finds her earlier than expected, running into her.
"Were you spying on me?" Clarke smirks playfully without any trace of anger in her voice, which leaves Lexa puzzled.
"No, I..." She can't even finish her sentence before Clarke brings her lips gently onto her own lips.
"Clarke..."
"If you were looking for your village, you won't find it because my mother just told me that our clans merged, so you're mine, literally." She teases her laughing while looking lustfully at her.
"Oh, you don't believe that I'll let you bossy me around, do you?" After a few seconds of incredulity, Lexa decides to join the game and provoke her herself.
"Now shut up and kiss me," and for the first time in months, they are both finally home.