James POV:
Remus looks at me with wide eyes.
"W-What?"
I swallow thickly and my heart beats painfully in my chest.
"J-James, what're you talking about?" Remus stutters.
'Hating myself more and more with each thought'...
I blink rapidly.
I hadn't meant to actually tell him that....
"I-I...Remus..."
He takes a step toward me and I take a step back.
"James." Moony says, his voice is so soft, so broken that something in me snaps.
Tears spring to my eyes but I blink them away.
Shit shit shit.
"Um..." Fuck I can't breathe.
"James are you okay?" Remus raises his hands as if dealing with a wild animal.
Like I'm about to bolt.
Seems like a good idea to me.
Yeah...no.
"James!" Remus whisper-shouts after me as I run down the stairs.
I get to the common room before I trip over the carpet and land on all fours - my head narrowly missing the hard edge of the coffee table.
My breath is coming in gasps and my hand shakes violently as I raise it to my chest.
My heart hurts.
"Hey hey hey," Remus crouches down next to me but I barely even register that he's there.
"Breathe just breathe James."
Tears drop from my eyes and I'm still heaving for air.
"I-I c-can't." I choke.
"W-Whats happening to me?!" I manage to sob out.
"You're having a panic attack James and I need you to breath."
I shake my head desperately.
"No no no no I - I can't!"
Remus pulls me into his chest as I struggle to breathe.
He smells like chocolate.
"Breathe! James! Breathe!"
---
"What the hell was that?" Remus asks.
He's standing in front of me as I sit on the couch, his arms are crossed and he has a stern look on his face.
He's mad...at you.
I'm mad at me too.
"I...I don't know..." I mumble, wincing at how stupid I sound.
"That's never happened to me before."
It felt like I was dying.
"But what did you mean up in the dorm rooms?" Remus inquires quietly.
"I meant that - "
That I...hate myself.
What else could I have meant?
"Nothing," I meet his eyes and force a grin - one that's probably rather unconvincing, considering that my breath is still coming in gasps.
"I don't know why I said that - I meant nothing. It was nothing."
Nothing.
Remus gives me a look before he sighs and his face softens.
He quietly sits down next to me, knees facing me.
"James..."
"Remus."
"Are you o-" Moony begins.
"Yeah! I'm fine Moony!" I force a smile and turn to face him.
"And as my best friend it is your job to never ask me that question again." I chuckle, only half joking.
Remus gives me an unimpressed look.
"Seriously Moony, I'm fine. Just a bit tired. You know how emotional I get when I'm tired."
Remus gives a breathy laugh and nods his head slightly.
"Yeah okay. You can catch up on sleep today, we don't have classes so you can spend the day up in the dorms."
I forgot it was Saturday.
"But first you need a good meal and a trip to Madam Pomphrey." Remus says sternly.
I'm about to protest when he cuts me off with a glare.
"James you know better than I do what trouble you have falling asleep. There's no shame in asking for help every once in a while.
"Madam Pomphrey has potions that'll have you out like a light."
Remus continues to talk me into it but his words fall on deaf ears.
I just stare into his eyes as he rants on and on about how Madam Pomphrey can help me and I can't help but loose myself in his soft brown eyes.
Over the past few weeks I've noticed my feelings toward him change.
Not really a noticeable crush but it's like, I'm just happier to be around him and I miss him when he's gone.
Same thing for Padfoot.
It's like I have a crush on both of them, but it's more soft and slow than anything I've ever felt for Lily.
For her I knew I had a crush on her - a crush that died off long ago - but with the two of them I'm constantly confused about my feelings.
My feelings for them feel somehow more...real.
Remus gazes at me with a caring expression, his hand on my knee and his breath smelling of coffee.
Without realizing what I'm doing I slowly lean toward him and cut his speech off with my own lips.
He sits there in shock for a moment before slowly kissing back.
His eyes flutter closed and his right hand comes to rest on my side.
Suddenly he gasps a little and pulls away.
Embarrassment flares within me.
Of course he wouldn't want to kiss you, who could ever want to kiss you?
"S-Sorry! I didn't mean to m-" I start to apologize before he stops me.
"I can feel your ribs beneath your shirt James!" He exclaims, moving my arms so he can poke at my ribs.
"Hey!" I say, scooting back and crossing my arms around my midriff.
"Way to kill the vibe Moony." I tease, relieved that he wasn't upset with me.
Remus blushes furiously and looks away.
I grin, this one real.
"Merlin, can you get red. Sorry I didn't mean to fluster you and all." I half laugh.
Moony glares at me with no real anger and then mutters something under his breath as he avoids my eyes.
"Whatever," he speaks up, "we can talk about it later. Right now, you and I are going down to the Great Hall for a hearty meal."
My smile drops slightly and I roll my eyes.
"I'm fine Moony, I've always been skinny - "
"You've always been muscular." Remus corrects.
"I could feel every single rib through your pajamas." He says reaching out to touch my waist again.
I swat his hand away and scoff.
"Okay fine, if you're so confident that you don't look like a skeleton covered in skin, take off your shirt." Remus demands.
I smirk.
"Well well Remus, moving a little fast aren't we?"
He simply raises an unamused eyebrow.
I sigh in defeat.
"Okay, Moony we'll go down to breakfast."
He flashes a grin and my heart flutters.
See, there are moments like these when he'll look at me a certain way and I'll realize just how attractive he is.
But then there are other moments when I'll be talking to Sirius and I'll feel the same way, and it confuses me to no end how I can like both if them at the same time.
Besides, I'm pretty sure they're both crushing on one another, and I wouldn't want to end them before they began just because of my little schoolboy crush.
"You think?" Remus says, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I shake my head and look at him in confusion.
"What?" I ask blankly and he rolls his eyes in fake exasperation.
"I was saying we should head down to breakfast. But I guess you were too busy staring at me to listen." He smirks and I blush, embarrassed.
"I'm only joking." He chuckles, flicking my forehead.
He stands up and extends his hand out to me.
I grab it and he pulls me up, but before he can let go I grip it tighter slightly.
"Hey, um, can we just forget about the who...panicking thing?" I mumble.
He gives me a soft smile.
"Of course. And I won't tell the others I promise." He assures me and I grin.
"Alright then Moony! Let's get to breakfast!" I exclaim, swinging our still locked hands between us.
He laughs and together, still hand in hand, we make our way out if the common room.
☆
AN:
Okay ik that their (Remus and James') relationship is going fast and I'm sorry if it seems rushed but this fic is mainly about the marauders helping sev learn to be loved n all that jazz.
I'll try not to make it rushed but if it continues to seem forced I'm sorry.