I walked back home, thinking about what just happened. I couldn't imagine what Ashley was going through, or what was going through her head about all of the family stuff she had going on. But was there something else going on?
Was I doing something wrong? I didn't think that was the case, I was doing my best with her and trying to remind her how much I cared about her and how beautiful she was to me all the time.
I should try harder, try to do more things for her, I thought.
But God, I hated seeing that she had hurt herself. I was so glad that I had the feeling to go check on her, who knows if it would've been worse. I just had a feeling something was wrong since I knew she was meeting her uncle today and she wasn't answering any of my calls or texts.
I walked into my house, carefully closing the door behind me. I texted Ashley to let her know I was home.
"Well, there you are. Is Ashley okay?" I heard Mum's voice say. I turned over to see her and Bindi sitting at the dining table.
"Where's Chandler?" I asked, dodging the question for a second.
"He's at home, putting Grace to bed. I was helping Mum with some paperwork, as you can see," Bindi said, gesturing to the papers scattered across the table. She held a mug of tea in her hands. "But you didn't answer the question. Is Ashley okay? Oh, and did you find whatever equipment you were looking for?"
"And what happened to your shirt?" Mum asked, nodding to the small bloodstain Ashley left on my shirt.
I pulled a chair out at the table before sitting down in it. I thought about what I was going to say to my mum and Bindi. Do I tell them what just happened, or do I only give them a partial truth?
"Uhm..." I started, choosing my words carefully. "I lied about the camera equipment. It's upstairs in my room somewhere, probably in one of my drawers, but I needed an excuse to check on her."
Mum raised an eyebrow. "Robert, you need to be honest. I'm your mother," she said sternly. "I know you and Ashley are in this sort of relationship type of situation, but you don't need to lie to me to go see her. You two have been friends forever, and even just as friends you need to be there for her."
"Okay, it won't happen again," I said. "But I got there after her uncle left. And uhm...she was crying on her bathroom floor and...Look, you two can't say anything to her or Laurie, but Ashley hurts herself. She hadn't done it in a while, but she had done it right before I got there. And...And I didn't know what to do so I cleaned it up and took care of her and just held her and she cried and I just felt so bad that she did it. I tried calling her and texting her and she didn't answer and that's why I ran over there, to make sure she was okay. And I-I should've gone sooner and maybe she wouldn't have done it but I just don't know what to do about the whole situation."
I felt a few tears roll down my face, but I didn't wipe them away. This was just Mum and Bindi, there was no reason to try to put on a facade and pretend not to have these feelings because I was a guy.
I looked at both of them, Bindi's eyes were teary too, and Mum looked confused, but also concerned.
"I know," Mum said quietly. "Laurie told me that she used to do it, mostly because of being bullied at school and stuff. She thought it was just a typical teenage girl thing and that Ashley would get through it on her own and ignored my advice when I said that maybe Ashley needed some help."
She took a deep breath, looking at me sadly.
"I knew, too," Bindi said. "I noticed the scars on her arm a few years ago. I never brought it up to her or Laurie because it isn't my place, but I've always tried a little harder since then to be there for her."
"So how did I just find out?"
"Robert, no offense, but you're a guy. Guys tend to overlook things sometimes. Plus you've always had a thing for her, and love can make you blind," Mum said, giving me a sad smile.
"So, what do I do? How can I help her?"
"Just keep doing what you're doing, being there for her and reminding her that you care about her. You can't fix her, you just got to be there for her while she fixes herself," Bindi said.
"But..What if she doesn't stop? I hated seeing her like that, broken down on the floor and what she did to herself..." I said, more tears falling.
I couldn't even bring myself to say what happened. Just the idea of Ashley dragging that blade across her skin was enough to break my heart in two.
"Just give her time. She will. But if things get bad, then you got to push her to get the help she needs," Mum said. I nodded.
"Did she say how meeting her uncle went?" Bindi asked after a few moments of silence.
"No, but I'm assuming not good considering what I walked into when I got there," I said.
"Yeah, I figured as much," Mum said simply.
"It's hard on her. I can't even begin to understand what she's going through," I said, "But I'll talk to her. Hopefully, everything else will go better."
I took a deep breath. It felt good to talk to Mum and Bindi about what just happened with Ashley, and they gave good advice about it.
"Well, you two should get to bed. It's getting late, and we have a big day tomorrow with releasing Noosa. Goodnight, I love you two," Mum said firmly, getting up from the table.
Bindi and I stood up too and she pulled me in for a hug.
"Everything will be okay, little brother. She'll work through it, you just gotta be there. Tomorrow is Christmas and we're releasing Noosa. It'll be a good day," Bindi said, hugging me tightly.
"I know, thank you. Goodnight Bindi," I said back.
I gave Mum a hug goodnight and went upstairs. I took a shower and then went into my room. I packed my camera equipment for releasing Noosa, different lenses and the waterproof case. I knew my wetsuit and flippers were already on Croc One, my family's boat, as well as extras of both for Ashley.
I checked my phone and noticed Ashley hadn't texted me back after I told her I got home, but I figured she fell asleep.
I, however, couldn't sleep. I kept thinking of Ashley, and how sad she looked on the bathroom floor. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the cuts on her arms.
I sighed, rolling over and grabbing the remote. I put on a nature documentary on the television. I was just starting to finally fall asleep when my phone went off.
Ash: Merry Christmas :)
I checked the time. Was it after midnight already? We had a little ritual of texting each other after midnight on our birthdays and holidays to make sure we were the first ones to wish the other a happy birthday/holiday.
Me: Merry Christmas love
I was glad she messaged me, but I didn't know how she was holding up. I didn't wanna push and ask.
Ash: you're up late
Me: well so are you
Ash: can't sleep
Me: me neither
I held my breath, waiting for my phone to ring and for her picture to pop up. There was no immediate ring, so I thought she wasn't going to call.
I sighed. I wish I could tell her how much I loved her and what exactly she meant to me, but I knew it wasn't the right time yet.
I sat up and reached into the top drawer of my nightstand and pulled out a notebook and pen.
I started writing. I wrote as if it was to Ashley herself, like some sort of cheesy love letter. I wrote about all of the things I loved about her, from her eyes to her hair and the way it falls in her face sometimes, to the way she sings absentmindedly while doing things.
I didn't plan on giving her this letter anytime soon, but it was something that I could give her eventually. Maybe giving it to her when I officially asked her to be my girlfriend would be a good idea, or I could give it to her some other time when she's down.
Before I knew it, I had written a few pages, front and back, just talking about Ashley and how beautiful she was. I wrote a little bit about some of my favourite memories with her, like the time when we were 14 and we were messing around on a croc trip and I fell into the bushes and she had to get Wes to help get me out.
My phone started ringing, and there was the call I was waiting for.
"Well, hello beautiful," I said, smiling. I put my phone on speaker and kept writing.
"Hey. I just couldn't sleep. And I know that I should because tomorrow is gonna be a long day and whatnot but I'm just..so broken," she said.
"Love, you are not broken. Things are difficult, but they can be difficult for everyone. But just with everything, I'll be here for you the whole time. Your family will figure it out and so will Cait's, which is also technically your family. But it'll all be okay. And if it's not all okay with them, everything will always be okay with me," I said, trying my best to reassure her.
"Yeah, you're right. We'll just see how it plays out. I'm sure things will be fine," she said. Her breath was shaky.
"It will be. I promise," I said. "Well, what are you doing?"
"Getting my bag together for releasing Noosa, towels and stuff. I have the gifts for your family under the tree, set in a special pile so I know which ones to grab when Mum and I come over. What about you?"
"Writing. Just some things I had on my mind that I wanted to get written down. I have my camera equipment packed already," I said, turning the page and writing more.
"What are you writing? I hear pages turning. Must be serious if you're writing on multiple pages," she said, laughing slightly.
"Oh, yeah, serious stuff. You know me, Mr Serious," I joked, making her laugh.
Hearing her voice was great, her laughter even better. I was glad I could make her laugh, especially with as rough as a day she had earlier.
"Are you gonna tell me what you're writing?" She asked. I could hear the smile in her voice.
"You'll find out eventually," I said. I reached a good stopping point in what I was writing.
I thumbed through the several pages I just wrote, thinking if I should just fill the whole notebook and give it to her when I was done, or take out the pages I wrote and staple them and give them together.
I decided to go with the former option, and I wrote the date on the first page I wrote. I thought about how sweet it would be to give her this whole notebook filled with letters to her, and how she would react. Well, it wouldn't be a whole notebook as I had ripped out some pages that I already wrote on, but it was most of a notebook.
"What are you looking forward to the most tomorrow?"She asked after a few minutes of silence.
I thought for a moment, thinking. What was I looking forward to? I know with it being Christmas there were the presents and food to look forward to, but I wasn't that materialistic of a person, I could live without the gifts.
Of course, I was looking forward to releasing Noosa, but that seemed like too obvious of an answer to give Ashley.
"Hmm," I said, closing the notebook and putting it and the pen I used back into the drawer. "I think I'm looking forward to seeing you the most."
"Aw," she said, giggling. "I expected you to say releasing Noosa, as that seems like the typical Robert Irwin answer."
"See, that's why I didn't say it. I gotta keep you on your toes somehow," I joked.
I love how she just knew me, the things I might say or do. I know my mum or Bindi could predict some of the things I might say or do, but I think Ashley even knew me better than they did. And I think the reason she knew me better than Bindi or even my mum was that I was always 100% myself around Ashley, always vulnerable and able to truly be me with her. Sure, I could be myself with my mum and Bindi, but it was just a bit easier with Ashley. There are just certain things you don't open up to your mum or sister about, and with them, I feel like I have to live up to my dad's legacy.
That was one of the many things I loved about Ashley. She knew how legendary my dad was, just like everyone else did. But she didn't expect me to be just like him or follow exactly in her footsteps. Sure, my mum and Bindi knew that I was my person and not just a complete copy of my father, but they still had certain expectations of me. Ashley didn't.
"Robert?" Ashley said quietly.
"Yeah? Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts," I said.
"It's fine, I was quiet until I wasn't," she giggled slightly. "But, I was gonna say, do you think I'll ever get over this? That I'll stop hurting myself?"
I could hear the desperation in her voice like this was something she was cursed with and she was looking for any way possible to break that curse. That was the only way I could describe it, her hurting herself, like it wasn't her doing it, but some supernatural force that took over and for a few minutes made her into someone she wasn't.
"Oh, love," I said sadly. "I think you can. And I can't control you or make you stop. And I'm not going to hold anything over your head and be the guy that says "I won't date you if you hurt yourself" because that's not right. But obviously, I don't want you to do it, but I can understand that just suddenly stopping isn't easy. I think this is one of those things that you have to overcome mostly by yourself, for yourself, but I'll be here to support you every day."
She was quiet for a second.
"Thank you," she said, her voice still soft and quiet as if she was whispering secrets to me. "It's not easy to stop. But it hasn't been, like, a consistent daily thing for me. I think the longest I've gone without doing it was a month or so. But it's like an addiction, you know? Like people who have a hard time quitting smoking or drinking. I just hate doing it. I don't feel like myself when I do it. But when I do it, I feel like I'm not myself. Like everything around me is b becoming too much and making me do it. That sounds so stupid to say out loud."
"Hey, it's not stupid. Everything you feel, especially about this, is completely valid. You're allowed to feel these things."
"No one's ever said anything like that to me," she said, her voice cracking. I could tell she was going to cry again. Oh, how I wished I could just be there with her and hold her. I wish I could hug her so tightly that all of her pieces stick back together and stay that way. "But there's just...relief...every time I do it. Like a type of "high" almost. But when I stand in front of the mirror before I shower, and I see the extent of the scars on my arm and my leg...I just feel so..ugly."
She sniffled, and I knew she was definitely crying again. My eyes teared up as well. I hated that this was how she viewed herself. But I also knew that you can't change people or force them to view themselves the way that they do, they have to do a lot of the inner work, and you just have to be there and support them.
"Darling," I said. I liked calling her that, or "love", and I knew whenever I called her that it made her happy, and I loved seeing her face change into a little smile when I called her that in person. "You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. You're far from ugly, and anyone who has called you that doesn't know you as I do, and I bet those people aren't even a part of your life, so they don't matter. One thing I learned from living the life that I live, is that there is always going to be someone who doesn't like you, and you can't please everyone, so you might as well just do whatever makes you happy, and the people who really love you and care about you will stick around."
"Th-Thank you," she said, sniffling again.
"Of course. I really care about you, and I want you to be okay. I'm always here for you. And I know I say that a lot but I mean it, okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay."
"We should try to get some sleep, it's after two already," she said, yawning.
"Already? Wow. Well, goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow. If you have nightmares you can always call me," I said, yawning myself.
"Thank you. Goodnight," she said, hanging up the phone.
I plugged my phone in and set it on the nightstand, turned off my lamp, rolled over, and went to sleep.