"If you're lucky, you'll never make history."—Rowen Keckilpenny-Brown
"If you're lucky, you can rewrite history and give it a better ending."—Blade, the Best Swordsman of all Time According to Verified Historical Text
OK, guys, we have to have 'the talk.'
You think you know how it works?
Probably someone told you a version of this story—a mommy and a daddy love each other very much and share a special cuddle. Then nine months later, the stork delivers a baby to your front door. Does the stork also include a starter pack of diapers and a user's guide? Nope. That's your problem, not the stork's. The stork just goes back to its habitat and snacks on small prey whilst wondering how it got stuck with the whole human baby narrative, to begin with.
Well, in my case, we throw that 'where do babies come from?' fairy tale out the window. Because what I learned in three minutes of paging through the Heir Creation files was that I WAS NOT EVEN BORN.
I was made.
In a cauldron-like an under-seasoned Hansel and Gretel stew.
So, here's my origin story: Once upon a time, an evil queen was sick of her job, so she asked the head of magical inventory to provide her with the ingredients to cook up an heir. (Please note that love, storks, and special cuddles were not involved.)
Now I shall provide you the evidence—the back and forth of requisition forms for my "birth" between "mom" and the Head of Magical Inventory, a Calvin E. Dalb:
***Magical Inventory Priority Requisition Form: MR/01***
Date: 10/31/4984
Re: Creation of Heir/Magical DNA requirements
From: Her Majesty, Queen Petronella
To: Head of Magical Inventory, Calvin E. Dalb
Items to be delivered by you to Rowen Grove by midnight tonight.
The Magical DNA of the Following Beings:
1. The Wizard of Old
2. The Darkest Witch
3. An Unseelie Fairy
4. Demon Hacker
5. A Gnome of Honor
6. The Stealthiest Shadowling
7. King of Sirens
8. Weredragon of Magnificent Size
9. The First Queen of Brittlebane
(The guest list of my welcome banquet!)
Miscellaneous enhancements:
1. Two dragon eyes
2. A generous pinch of fairy mist
3. Three blasts of demon flame
4. A dropper-full of thieves' oil
5. Sliver of a blood moon
6. A liar's silver tongue
7. The lesser half of a broken wishbone
8. An ounce of wolfsbane
9. Four drops of crone's tears.
10. One tablespoon dehydrated unicorn blood.
(They created me in a pot with dehydrated unicorn blood, people!)
Signed: Queen Petronella
***Magical Inventory Priority Requisition Form: MR/01***
Date: 10/31/4984
Re: Creation of Heir/Magical DNA requirements
From: Head of Magical Inventory, Calvin E. Dalb
To: Her Majesty, Queen Petronella
Your Highness, I fear you are altering the recipe for your replacement to such a degree that I would be remiss to sanction your request. Using nine progenitors of darkness could have devastating results we couldn't even imagine. Please refer to Section 8.3 of the Brittlebane Grimoire and Recipe Book for a complete list of all necessary ingredients. A balance of dark and light is imperative. I shall have the correct items delivered to the Rowen Grove at the appointed time.
Sincerely,
Calvin E. Dalb
***Magical Inventory Priority Requisition Form: MR/01***
Date: 10/31/4984
Re: Creation of Heir/Magical DNA requirements
From: Her Majesty, Queen Petronella
You shall provide every item I requested by the appointed hour, or you shall spend the rest of your days tied up in my dungeon. And not in a good way!
Sincerely,
Queen Petronella
***Magical Inventory Priority Requisition Form: MR/01***
Date: 10/31/4984
Re: Creation of Heir/Magical DNA requirements
From: Head of Magical Inventory, Calvin E. Dalb
To: Her Glorious and Merciful Majesty, Queen Petronella
I beg you to reconsider. I understand you want a viable heir, but this formula could create a monster of untold proportions.
(There you go! I'm a monster of untold proportions! Knew it!)
***Magical Inventory Priority Requisition Form: MR/01***
Date: 10/31/4984
Re: Creation of Heir/Magical DNA requirements
From: Her Majesty, Queen Petronella
The dungeon awaits, and I've ordered ropes with extra chafing ability!
***Magical Inventory Priority Requisition Form: MR/01***
Date: 10/31/4984
Re: Creation of Heir/Magical DNA requirements
From: Head of Magical Inventory, Calvin E. Dalb
To: Her Glorious, Merciful, and Magnificent Majesty, Queen Petronella
All items requested will be delivered by midnight tonight.
***Magical Inventory Priority Requisition Form: MR/01***
Date: 10/31/4984
Re: Creation of Heir/Magical DNA requirements
From: Her Majesty, Queen Petronella
I expect your attendance at the ceremony in case I am displeased, it will be easier to toss you in the pot as well. Please do not respond, as I am a busy queen with a pedicure scheduled. See you tonight.
There you have it! If you thought I was a weirdo before, what do you think now? I wasn't sure knowing all this was even a good thing. Now I know why I'm so strange looking! And evil! And maybe even a monster.
"You good?" Xiri said, gazing at my finger and licking her lips. "I know you taste good, but will that be all?"
"How did this happen? Why did the queen do this to me?"
"I have no further information in the system."
"Who could tell me?"
"Well, I suppose the minions in attendance, who are all loyal to the queen, or the queen herself."
"Pass."
"Or you could ask the trees?"
"Say what?"
"The trees in the grove. Terrible gossips. But you'll have to pay the price."
"Which is?"
"Blood. Naturally! What else?"
"So gross! What kind of trees drink blood?"
Xiri shrugged her shoulders. "Talkative ones?"
"Only problem is, I'm a prisoner in this room. How do I get out? What's the password?"
"They do not store personal passwords in my system for security reasons."
"Then I can't get to the trees, can I?"
"Use your imagination, Rowen." Xiri looked over her shoulder. "I'll be right there," she called to someone I couldn't see. "Look, I gotta go. But it's been a pleasure working with you."
"Wait!" I cried, but the AI demoness was gone, and all I saw was my reflection in the mirror. At least I looked good! Now, what was I going to do? Just sit here and wait for more lessons? But what choice did I have?
I flopped onto the bed to 'use my imagination' to plot an evil plan of daring escape, but I couldn't stay focused.
How could I when my entire sense of self had just gone up in smoke? One day you think you're an ordinary outcast with a tiny flame of hope that maybe one day you'll change, like the ugly duckling, into a swan or at least a semi-attractive goose, the next you find out you're a freak; you'll always be a freak; and no one who claimed to love you thought about mentioning it.
Yeah, I'm referring to my dads.
Flames of burning anger licked the sides of my belly. More secrets!
Calm down, Rowen. Maybe they didn't know.
But how could they not know? I continued arguing with myself. (One of my favorite pastimes.)
Did my parents live in Brittlebane at one time? Had Dad sculpted the topiary at the Familiar Zoo? Could it be possible that Papa ran the supernatural accounting department? (assuming they had one)
My dads knew I had a hard time fitting in but never thought to say: "Hey, Rowen, you don't fit in with the other humans because you're not human. You're a chimera, created in a cauldron, like a test-tube baby for supernaturals. Oh, and you're also totally evil. Now go upstairs and brush your fangs. We mean claws. No, that's not right ... teeth."
I was the product of so many creatures. Which weirdly made sense. If the realms wanted an impartial queen, having a piece of their magic in the final product was logical. I could see that. But I am not a product. I am a sentient being with feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, and an unhealthy thirst for vengeance.
Magic gathered in my fingertips, as I contemplated who to wrath out on first. So many options; so little time. My anger buzzed and grew hotter and hotter, clamoring for release. I knew it would feel good to let it go.
Very good!
So, I did. Books flew off the shelves. The flames in the fireplace roared. Walls shook. The candlelit chandelier over the bed swung so wildly, the candles began keeling over and falling. I jumped up, trying to catch them before the whole room went up in flames. I burned my fingertips but prevented an all-out inferno. As much as I wanted to escape, burning down the room with me in it wasn't the wisest strategy.
GET A GRIP! I warned myself.
"Heeeeeeeelp!" screeched a voice from somewhere in the walls. I jumped down from the bed, dropping the snuffed candles, my heart beating hard, blood rushing to my ears.
"Who is this?" I said.
"Vermeil, your loyal familiar."
"Where are you?" I said, spinning around trying to locate the source of Vermeil's shrieky pleas.
"Here!"
"'Here' is not helpful," I scolded. "Can you be more specific?"
"In the wall. Being chased by a giant monster!"
I cringed. "Spider?"
"No. Worse!"
Oh, no, what was I going to do? I had to save my familiar, or I had no hope of escaping Brittlebane or rescuing my parents (even though they totally didn't deserve to be rescued!) "Can't you just come through the crack in the wall you used earlier? If your pursuer is gigantic, it won't be able to fit."
"The crack is gone! Heeeellllpppp! The monster's gaining on me!"
Oh, no! My magical tantrum had shifted the stones, destroying Vermeil's entrance to my room.
"It's got my tail in its maw! Do something!"
I clenched my fists and stomped my feet. "Do what?"
"I don't know. Maybe create a new door for me. Small one. Rat sized."
"How?"
"I'll help you if I can. Let our magic join, and once it connects, say, "creare ostium," but don't say it too loud. Only a small door. Now allow your magic to flow into your fingertips, but don't let it go until you feel mine."
"Okay," I cried.
I concentrated on my fingertips, the electrical energy throbbing. Tiny sparks of blue zipped out, but I bit down hard on my lip, forcing the magic down. Just when I thought I was going to lose control, a cool rush of calming power entered my body and glided into my hands, like aloe vera ointment on a burn. This was it! I was gaining control of my powers!
"Now!" Vermeil yelled.
"Creare ostium!" I commanded.
Our magic jetted out! A hole opened in the wall! I did it! I did it!
Vermeil screamed. "It has my tail and won't let go!"
Oh, no! "Release my familiar," I cried, sending power zipping toward the hole!
"Sssss," the creature hissed. But if he could hiss, it meant he must've let go! My magic worked! Too well! The hole grew, till it was much more than rat-sized.
I froze. Rooted to the spot, but then I remembered, Vermeil said the monster was enormous and exhaled in relief. The little rat darted into the chamber, climbed my leg, and I scooped him into my arms. "You're safe. Don't worry! You're safe now," I said, petting his little rat head. I didn't even gag! That's progress!
A keening sound, like a wail of grief, came through the wall.
"It's coming!" Vermeil screeched. "The hole is too big!"
"You said the monster was huge!"
"Please don't let it eat me!" He curled into my chest.
"I won't!" I assured him, searching the room for something I could use as a weapon.I plucked the fire poker from its stand and wielded it like a sword, lowering it toward the hole.
"Meow!" said the monster. A flash of fur darted through the hole, its green eyes focused on my familiar.
"Do not eat my familiar!" I said.
The monster paused. I gasped, dropping Vermeil onto the rug.
"Nooooo!" Vermeil squealed! "I'm too young to die!"
"He won't hurt you," I said, kneeling on the floor.
"How do you know?" Vermeil whimpered, evidently not entirely convinced.
"Because we're old friends," I said, petting Calpurrno's black fur as he purred wildly. "But this is impossible. How did you get here?" Of course, Calpurrnio was a cat. A regular cat from Coffin Ridge. A cat who could not speak. But none of that mattered right now, because I swept my three-legged friend into my lap, buried my head into his fur, and sobbed.
Eeeeep! So many reveals in this chapter! It was such a blast to write, and I'm giddy with excitement for you to read it. Hope it meets your expectations. Were you surprised? And how do you think Cal got to the castle?
Thank you again for reading, voting, commenting, and following me on this adventure. All the hugs! Britt/Deb