The preparations were complete, you were set to marry a man that you weren't sure that you loved yet just accepted it based on the fact that your parents approved and everything was taken care of, all for an easy life, you went along with it. The start was great, but the more you thought about it; was he really the one? He was a man that was from a well off family, someone who would provide and look after you for the rest of your life, but is forever long enough to be with someone when you're not as happy as you could be?
There was always a burning thought in the back of your head of what if? You'd always loved your best friend, since a very young age, but it was always the wrong time to get into what felt such a crime. You'd always admired one another from the side lines, your friendship meaning way too much for your own liking to ever do anything about it. Prom night was the only exception.
You spent a night together, losing your virginity to each other after the consumption of alcohol at the after party, it was awkward yet beautiful, a moment shared and a moment cherished. You'd never spoke of it again after that, both of you too shy to admit that there was something there that had clear been around for quite some time, burning and eager to get out of your systems, so you went about your teenage lives, getting into other relationships, supporting each other when times got tough, doing the general best friend thing and being around when the other needed it most.
Entering your twenties was a crucial stage and the jealousy became worse every time you had to witness him with somebody else, but you still remained quiet, as close to him as you were you always longed for more but it just seemed like it was never to be.
Then you met the man you were with today, a brief meeting at a family event where several people attended including a lot of friends of the family which extended into hundreds of people being at the venue. You were happy at first, or so you thought but it always came back down to your best friend and every waking moment you spent with your new beau, the more you'd wish that he was him. Nobody had ever been good enough and that was the mistake you'd made all along.
The moment you realised that your best friend loved you just as much right back was your 29th birthday party, your boyfriend proposed to you that night in front of the entire crowd, up on a large stage with a beautiful serenading quartet and a large screen filled with images of the two of you over the last couple of years, you'd turned around to see your now fiancé down on one knee.
The pressure forced you to say yes, but when you looked back into crowd of people, all eyes were on you but you noticed one particularly pair of burning, crushed retinas. Joe. Your best friend for almost all of your life was the one stood there with a pressed line to his lips, you could almost see the single tear that dropped from his bottom lid, he took a deep sigh, parted lips and enforced a fake smile of his own to try and be happy for you. He of course joined in the applause but with a sense of laziness from the broken heart that had now smashed to smithereens to see you betrothed to another.
Time stood still, the ring slipped onto your wedding finger but your gaze still fell upon that of your best friends, you took a large gulp and your sights matched upon the one he was still indistinctively pulling. You should've been happy, you should've been jumping for joy that you were engaged to the person you'd been with for the last two and a half years, but better still it just wasn't the one you'd hoped for.
The speed of sound caught back up with you, up roars of cheers found you looking over to your parents who were hugging in utter joy for the announcement that their daughter was to be married, but they just didn't understand, purely because they didn't know how you truly felt. But would they ever understand? Your mum was married to your dad for exactly the same reason, but she accepted it and over time she fell in love, she'd never admitted that to you personally, but you'd read her diaries from a long time ago that you'd found as a kid so you were well aware of the situation.
Truth be told you were hoping that getting over Joe in time would work and it'd slowly fade away. You were crazy to believe such a thing because that would of happened years ago if it were supposed to, turning back to your now fiancé was the hardest thing you'd ever had to do, kissing him, showing the party that you were elated to be in such a position; yet you were so repulsed you almost showed it.
Every flashback remained of Joe, every time you'd hugged, every time you'd shared yours or his bed in an innocent way, every time he'd made you laugh and the one time you'd had sex, it was sloppy but the kissing was something out of a fairy tale, it was saved in your padlocked memory and to your upset that's where it would remain and wouldn't ever become a reality again.
You'd mingled with every other person, being smothered by such congratulations that it almost hurt to breathe, you needed to get out for a second, give yourself some you time, be by yourself and allow your thoughts to rekindle themselves before you went back into that hell hole again. You breathed in the winter air, tilting your head toward the night sky, reaching back into your bag and pulling out a cigarette and putting it to your lips, ruffling to find your lighter, stressed and uttering profanities under your breath because you couldn't find it. A voice interrupted you suddenly making you turn around in a startle.
"Need a light?" Joe.
"Lifesaver." You let out an almost desperate smile, glad for the lighter Joe hovered in front of your vision, but secretly excited to have him close to you, alone and without any other creeping eyes.
He lit your cigarette and pulled out one of his own to join you, you walked over to the set of swings of a little playground situated next to the hall and he followed you like a lost sheep, you were glad he'd taken the silent hint to stick around.
You leaned your cheek against the ice touch of the chains of the swing set, closing your eyes as you took a drag of your cigarette, releasing the smoke out of your nose, breaking the silence you heard the crushing words of congratulations come out of the mouth you didn't entirely want to hear.
"So you're engaged now, congratulations are in order I guess princess." You pushed the swing to the side to nudge his arm, not even taking a second glance as you both stared to the ground.
"Thanks love." You swallowed your regret.
Joe had always called you princess, since you were from an entirely wealthy family yourself, he meant it as you were royalty, the untouchable as he'd relayed to you a few times throughout your friendship, something that both pulled at your heart strings and also made you want to punch his lights out. You'd had no choice but to accept the nickname because he'd refused to not call you anything but. Surely it couldn't have had a deeper meaning, especially now you had the incline that he felt the exact way you did. Joe was an exceptional actor so he could've been putting on the whole façade, yet he was letting this one slip quite badly.
"Everything's changing fast, I don't like it." Joe let out without even a thought.
"What do you mean?" You finally looked over to your best friend, anxious on his delayed response. You watched him throw the last of his cigarette, palms slapped to rub together, trying to work out what his emotions were actually to mean, the whole switch of mood was hard to figure out.
"My best girl's engaged, it's all worked out for you. I'm so happy about that, but I can't help to feel like somethings missing." A hitch of his throat saw you almost ready to vomit the words back out of your mouth, he loved you, like really loved you, you were sure. Then why were you so dumb founded towards it for all this time, why was it so subtly obvious now?
"Quit swerving around the real answer Quinn, tell me." You felt like getting serious was the only thing you had left. Honesty was all you needed and then you could make a decision.
"That's the real answer, somethings missing." He said lowly.
"But what's missing?" You furrowed your brow.
"Your true happiness. I saw the way you looked over at me." Was this supposed to be a joke? A role reversal to the way Joe had actually looked at you the second your fiancé got down onto one knee.
"You mean the way you looked at me?" That made Joe instantly swerve to glance at you, his eyes burning something dark, something yearning inside of the chocolatey gaze which screamed that he felt upset by the entire ordeal.
"Yeah, like that." You folded your arms, your blood beginning to boil, no room to simmer. Why couldn't he just speak the truth? It would make it so much easier for you to then break your walls down to your own feelings and shout them out loud and clear for him to hear.
"Don't know what you're talking about princess." There it was, the whole performance about to begin, his acting senses creeping out of him, keeping in the reality and bringing out the fictional.
"Stop calling me that." You raised your voice, your whole head was full and you were screaming inside, you just wanted to shake your best friend, make him say it, force him, but you knew you couldn't and that's what hurt so bad, for if you were wrong about everything then you'd look quite the idiot.
"I'm sorry, I just don't know if I can be a part of this, a part of something I don't support."
"A part of what, my life?" You'd totally done it, you'd thrown the baton back at him, you weren't being verbally abused, you weren't willing to be crushed through your regret of agreeing to marry someone that you weren't sure about.
"Not your life, your life with him, I can't be around to see you unhappy." He knew you too well that was all well and good, but you were seething to see what he was saying was true, maybe him not being around would help you out in your journey to get over Joe, but you knew deep down you weren't willing to even entertain the thought.
"I'm happy."
"Fuck right off." His own voice raised right back.
"Fine I will." You huffed a violent sigh. Getting up off of the swing, all ready to walk away from the situation when you were pulled back by the freezing touch of bare skin, Joe's hand gripped to yours like his life depended on it. It's like the world stopped right there, the touch confirmed it all. Your lips parted together, you were caged between his legs to where he'd dragged you back, almost stumbling but saved by his stiffened body, now your hand captured in the palm of his, you'd not felt this close to the one person you truly felt for in such a long time.
"I didn't mean it literally."
"Then what did you mean Joe?" You licked your dry lips and Joe stared at the way your tongue moved in slow motion, you'd be blind not to have noticed the way his eyes lingered for a second.
"Don't lose yourself to him is all I'm saying." Where's the god damn love confession? You'd heard just about enough for one night.
"We done here?" You closed your mouth and gritted your teeth.
"Congratulations again and uh, happy birthday." Joe stood up, tall yet slumped in front of you, with a stroke of the back of your hand from his thumb, he let go and walked towards the exit of the venue, over the hill and to the car park to leave.
You called out his name so clearly, but he didn't turn back around he just disappeared from the lighting and into the darkness of the night. This whole loving your best friend was so fucked and now you were in the worst situation of all, swallowed into a world of your own loneliness, lost without Joe by your side once again. You were damned if you did and damned if you didn't run after him, but you couldn't. The ring on your finger, a sacred anchor that weighed you down and just wouldn't allow it.
Slumping back onto the swing Joe sat on previously, your tears flowed out softly, was there something you could've said that would of allowed the truth to come out? Or was it destined to be kept in for the rest of your life. You felt worthless on what was supposed to be the best night of your life so far. There's a saying of time heals all wounds, but this was one that would just scar, remain and kill you slowly if something wasn't done about it.