Shehnaaz parked the car in the basement. The building had spaces alloted to the residents for parking. She got out of the car and moved to the lift.Some times some stories have strange endings. And theirs was a strangely sad one. The gods must have cried, seeing them.be so ill timed and ill fated. Her was heavy as she moved out of the elevator to the apartment, her eyes ready to flood into sadness. Shehnaaz used the key, to open the door and walked inside the hall. It was already five in the morning and the world had changed into a new day.
" Where the hell have you been?", her mother spoke seeing Shehnaaz enter.
Shehnaaz looked at her mother and then shook her head in a denial. She was so numb and so much in pain that she could not shed a tear. "Shehnaaz, what happened?", her mother asked walking to her.
"Ki hoya? Tu.mainu dara rahi aa? ", she asked as Shehnaaz continued looking blank. And then as Shehnaaz looked into her mother, it came down, all of it pouring out. Her eyes watered and then ran into streams.
"Mumma!" She cried falling to.the ground. She held her face within her hands and hid it, breaking down. What started as a tear was turning into a stream of uncontrolled emotions.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Mumma. Fuck it", she spoke crying. Parminder ran to the door and closed it. A habit so ceremoniously engraved into their systems, that she thought instead of holding her daughter, the most important thing to do was to close the door
"Sana? Ki hoya?", she finally asked sitting on the floor, holding her daughter closer.
As Shehnaaz felt her mother approach her, she opened her arms and embraced Parminder, hiding herself in the mother's lap. No mater what, the first home a child had, was always her mothers womb. The very first safety net. The first blanket of protection and no matter how much the chains between them were broken, the mothers and daughters were always one.Unlike men, women actually inherit through their mothers. The pain and joys of their grandmothers were eventually passed to them through their mothers.
"Why am I like this? What the hell is so wrong with me? Why I can't I just be normal?", she spoke still hiding herself within her mother.
Parminder pulled Shehnaaz out of her embrace and made her face her. " Did someone say something to to you?", she asked wiping away the tears from the eyes of her daughter. " Calm down!", she added passing her the water.
"Mumma? I am so fucked up. I don't know what to do with myself. Why is that i dont do any good?"
Parmider held Shehnaaz by her shoulder and spoke, " ki masla tenu? Ki hoya ? Ki keya ohne? Tu oh Shukla nu milan gyi si na? ", ( what is ur problem, what happened? What did he say? You had gone to meet that Shukla, right?).
Shehnaaz looked back at ger mother. What was she going go to speak. How would her mother bandage her broken heart, wasn't she the one who made it bleed like that. Was it ever possible for the perpetrator to heal the wounded? Shehnaaz smiled and then broke into a chuckle. Only that the chuckle grew bigger and turning into a laughter, while the tears continued flowing out of her eyes. How lonely must a person be to confess the pain to the one who caused it.
" I don't feel anything Amma. Nothing. There's just this emptiness. You said that you were scared of me going away, you said that it would break your heart having having me so far away, that you would miss me. Miraal said the same, that she loves me, and that its hurting her to see me going so far. She said that she thinks its only affecting her and that I am not bothered.", Shehnaaz spoke geeting up from the floor, walking to the dining table and taking a chair to sit. "But pta Amma that's not it, ", she smiled saying, " what bothers me is that she is right. All the time this is happening, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I am completely numb to everyone. I don't think that I love her, or I love you. I am not even bothered about not being able to see her again, or going away from from all of you. You know Siddharth said that he's in love with me. And me mom, well I fucking Don't feel anything. I even asked him to marry me, because he would have wanted that, not because I want that. I didn't want him to be hurt, so I offered him the marriage. But its not scaring me, going away from him. What did you do to me amma? What did I do to myself? I don't feel anything, no happiness, no sadness. No joys, no sorrows. I am not even excited about going to USA. I can't feel anything. Nothing. And if I ever do feel anything, it's so painful that I want to rip myself apart. There is this rage and hatred and guilt inside me, that comes out. And I think it would burn everything down. That's the only thing that i actually feel." She spoke looking into the eyes of her mother.
Parmider walked to her daughter. She knew the part. Crimes committed in the safety nets of your family leave you with no where to go. Shehnaaz had not only been sinned against by her uncle, but also.by her parents. Her mother should have held her and consoled her and been there like a warm blanket on a snowy day, but they hadn't been. Shehnaaz had been left alone to fend for herself, while handling all the emotions she felt. And the age at which all hell had broken lose for her was thirteen. She was a kid when she had started to look out for herself, feed herself and care for herself. It had been over twelve years since then,and Shehnaaz had grown and changed. She was more stable person, with a calmer exterior and happier personality. But she wasn't that in her core, deep down, beneath the concrete of self control she had built, she was a raging fire of unsolved issues, misunderstood emotions, abuse and trauma, that she had placed white curtains over. And those things were not a place of a normal head. To lead a normal looking life , she gad made sure that those monsters never made to the surface. But along with those, what she lost was her ability to feel good things.The thing about feeling numb is not that you look sad, it's that you look appropriate, just as the situation demands, but that's the catch. You only look appropriate, but you feel, nothing. Absolutely nothing.
" Sana " Parminder spoke placing her hand over Shehnaaz's shoulder.
As soon as she did that, Shehnaaz jerked her hand away.
" Away amma. Stay the fuck away from me like you have done. Like dad has done. You don't get to do this, play the victim or the sympathizer. I would never forgive you, never. I was a child when you did that to me and I would never forgive you for that. And you will live to the very end with it. I am so fucked up and you are the reason, do you get that.You have ruined this life for me!" Shehnaaz yelled
Parminder sat on the floor. She placed her hand on her daughters kept in her lap. She knew the crime, and she was the criminal. " Sana you don't have to forgive me. There's nothing that would ever make it right. I know i have wronged you, and I am sorry for that. But that's not enough, and I know that. But when I say that I didn't want things to go like this baccha, i don't lie.I tried protecting you. And did as much as I could, fir bhi he did that to you. Nahi pta tha beta, ki aisa kuch hoga. I wish someone had told me, ki apno se bhi bchana hai tujhe. I wish someone had told me, that you would need to be protected from our own, but i didn't know. I wasn't taught that in school, in ourtimes no body would talk about these things. The only people I grew up with were my parents and brother. And when I was old enough, then I met more people, but all strangers and then I realized that i needed to be protected from them and thats what I did for you. I watched out for strangers, I just didn't know that he could do such a thing. I didn't know someone could do things that he did. I am sorry for letting that happen to you. But more than that, I am sorry because I was so unavailable. Nirmals death killed something in me, the anger sana , I didn't know, how things went so bad for both my daughters. And I didn't know what to do with that anger. And I am sorry, that I didn't teach you about what to do with all that you felt. I am sorry that your name is bigger than your entirity and that I enabled it. I am so sorry, that you had to swallow everything up."
Shehnaaz heard her and she knew it was the truth. A truth as simple as that, humans are small creatures. They are not as big as they have been made into. And so are parents, flawed. They may try, but they would eventually lack and sometimes to the extent of it being criminal. But the fact remains, no ones actually given a manual to parenting and sometimes they too are too.messed up, or simply don't know how to handle the situations. They make mistakes and sometimes, unforgivable.
"Mumma!", she spoke placing her hand over her mothers head, working through her hair.
"Shehnaaz aai thi?", Rita asked as Sidharth stopped with his phone call. The maid served them with dinner.It had been days since he last seen her or had any contact with her.
"Shehnaaz, we will never see each other in this capacity. This is the last time I am seeing you like this. I had a great time with you, probably the best I have had. And I guess I love you, but thats it, Sana. I know, you don't love me back. And I am okay with that. I would not burden you with it. ", he spoke holding her hands as she sat on his bed." Shehnaaz I am upset with you, but you must understand this, i have to cut myself away, or I'll end up miserable. I want you to go away, go to states and work on yourself. Get therapy and all the help you need. Stay happy, andar se happy. Make yourself a big deal! Okay? And remember that I am always a phone call away. Jab bhi tujhe meri zaroorat hogi, just call me, don't shy away. Contact block nahi kar dena, it'll be great to have a doctor on my call list, I am growing old man!", he smiled wiping away her tear.
" Nahi mom! Not after that day.", he answered anyways, without bothering to stop eating. The thing about such situations was that it would hurt it people looked at them.
" You didn't talk to her?", she asked again. Rita didn't like Shehnaaz, but she had grown used to her. Sometimes she wondered if she actually missed having her around, messing with her plans of sons of ideal sons life.
"Nahi mom, we aren't talking", he spoke still not bothering to look at his mother, only focusing on his food.
"So you won't see her to the airport when she leaves?", she spoke again, trying to get him to talk a little more. Shehnaaz and Sidharth had really split, just as she had wanted. But little did she know that Shehnaaz's going away, would take away her Siddharth as well. Sidharth had been quieter for a fortnight. He had worked and worked, a small trip to Pune and that too for work. Other than that Siddharth had been to home and office, barely sitting with the family. He had started to smoke a lot more, with alcohol often exceeding his usual intake capacities. Shehnaaz was an intoxication and the only way Sidharth could get rid of that was, getting more intoxicated on work or other things.
"I guess no!", he spoke still managing to keep away the Shehnaaz topic.
Rita looked at the building. She didn't remember the exact address, but she had an idea. Hopefully this was Shehnaaz's building. It was a weird feeling as she got out of the car. It was just a few months back that she had slut shamed the same girl in the same building.
"Just wait here, I'll be back in a few minutes!", Rita spoke to the driver getting out of the car. She hardly had any idea of what she was going to talk to Shehnaaz or ask of her, but today when she stood at main door to the building,she had no hatred in her heart. Things had slowly changed. Her dislike for Shehnaaz was still present, but today she respected the girl.
Rita waited till some resident of the building went inside. She didn't have the biometric access, hence the wait. It was already over eight in the night when Rita rang the bell to her door, anxiously waiting for the door to open.
Shehnaaz had switched off the lights. She had Dark season three playing on the Netflix, while she lay all cuddled up on the couch, killing whatever time she was left with.Her eyes were already heavy, with sleep hovering over them, when she heard the bell.
She looked through the keyhole, to find Rita standing there. She wondered what the woman was doing there, at her door step.
Shehnaaz opened the door." Mrs Shukla ?", she asked not smiling. She wasn't sure of the correct reaction to Rita.
"Hey!" Rita too spoke. Her heart raced. She hoped this would go better.
" Wouldn't you ask me to come inside?" She asked.
"He's hurt? Haina?", Shehnaaz asked looking at Rita as the two sat on the couch.
"You are living a Bachelorette life. Its a nice space up here!", Rita spoke, not answering Shehnaaz. " I don't know why I came here. Maybe I wanted to see you. Shehnaaz I don't know what happened between you and my son, but he's not okay. He'll never admit that, but i can see it. I don't know what to ask of you.", she sighed speaking.
"I am sorry for that if you want to hear it. But I don't really don't know anything else!", she spoke passing Rita a glass of apple juice.
" Apple's are beautiful fruits Shehnaaz. You don't have to be sorry,its alright. He would be alright. I know him, he's tough. I can see him in pain, and thats why I came to see you.But, Women don't deal with pain the right way.They behave like its normal, jaise tum abhi kar rahi ho, even though you too are in pain. "
Shehnaaz smiled. The bond these two women shared was a very weird one. They were no friends, but they had begun to respect each other. Often times, good, strong opposition was a thing to be respected
" Women are born with pain, built in it.Its our physical destiny, period pain, child birth sab kuch. We live with it, and we think its normal, and hence we deal with it the usual.Men don't. Pain is not internal to men, they often seek it outside. They create God's and demons. So they can fight over. And then the wars so that they can feel ,and when there are no wars they play games and the other stuff. And when pain eventually happens to them, their pain is very visible, but with women its not. We carry it deep within ourselves, but that doesn't mean we don't feel it. And thats why i am here, Sana, Maine khud ko chunna nahi seekha. Aur jab seekha toh bhot chot lagi aas paas. People think I never felt pain, in all that i lost. We as a society feel for men in pain and think its okay for women to be in pain."
Shehnaaz looked at the woman as she spoke. She looked so different, as if she too had felt what Shehnaaz had. " Their's nothing to be guilty about. Nahi hai pyaar toh nahi hai. Hai mohabat toh hai, aankh me aankh daalkar dekho, sher ki beti k jaisi. Bina dar k, aur isme koi guilt nahi rakhna hai.!"
"Sana tayaari hai? You are up next in five minutes!', the guy spoke as stood backstage. Their College was celebrating a three day long alumini meet and Shehnaaz was performing for the audience. She had dressed up in an elegant red georgette gown, with finely detailed threadwork in the same color, with intricate sequin detailing that formed into little floral patterns and the sleeves formed into puffs ending at her wrists. She had kept her hair open, formed into soft waterfall like curls with red ruby studs shining to the stage.
The lights over the audiences fell off, the stage lit up right over her head, as she and the rest of people stood on the stage.
Dachi Waleya Mor Muhar Ve,
Sohni Waleya Lai Chal Nal Ve,
Ho Dachi Waleya Mor Muhar Ve,
Sohni Waleya Lai Chal Nal Ve,
Ho Dachi Waleya Mor Muhar Ve,
Sohni Waleya Lai Chal Nal Ve,
Sanu Lai Chal Apne Naal Ve,
Ve Sanu Lai Chal Apne Naal Ve,
Ve Sanu Lai Chal Apne Naal Ve,
Her voice was the usual strong one.
Sidharth had been asked by his sister to pick Ria up from the college and she hadn't been answering their calls.
" Andar dekh k aate hai mom!", he spoke getting out of the car.
Her voice was so powerful, he could hear her from outside the auditorium.
When he walked inside he saw her.and he could swear on heavens that he could never forget the moment. Her eyes closed, head held up, seeing the skies up ahead with closed eyes. Her hands moving with the notes of her voice. The audience, still. She was truly a fairy, everyone around her was in a spell.
Ho Main Neewaan, Main Neewaan,
(I am a humble, lowly being.)
Main Neewaan Mera Murshad Ucha,
(I am a humble, lowly being and my spiritual master has a lofty stature.)
Ho Asaan Ucheyan De Sang Laayi, Haye! Haye!
(We gave our hearts to such grand and lofty beings. Oh, alas!)
Her pitch dropped to a silent note., merely into a whisper. She opened her eyes and like a million times before,the first thing she saw was him looking at her.
Ho Sadqe Jawa,
(I offer my life in devotion,)
Ho Sadqe Jawa Ohna Ucheyan Ton,
(I offer my life in devotion to such exalted beings.)
Jina Neeweyan Naal Nibhayi,
(Who deigned to show care for the lowly beings.)
(Peer Manaawan Challi Aan,
Main Peer Manaawan Challi Aan)
This time it was different, he didn't smile at her. And neither did she. She closed her eyes, singing every line with her heart.
Ho Bada Ishq-ishq Tu Karna Aein,
(You love to babble on about love,)
Kadi Ishq Da Gunjal Khol Te Sayi,
(But really try unravelling the enigma of love sometime,)
Tainu Matti Wich Naa Rol Dewe,
(It could raze you to the ground and leave you utterly vanquished.)
Do Pyaar De Bol Bol Te Sayi,
(Try speaking just two words of love sometime.)
Sukh Ghat Te Dard Hazaar Milan,
(Here you will find few joys and a thousand sorrows.)
Kade Ishq Noon Takkri Tol Te Sayi,
(Try weighing the gains of love sometime.)
Teri Hasdi Akkh Vi Bhjj Jaave,
(Even your joyous laughter will turn to tears.)
Kadi Saanu Andron Phol Te Sayi,
(Try probing inside our heart sometime.)
Ho Tere Daachi Te Gal Wich Talliyaan,
(Your camel has small, tinkling bells round her neck.)
Ni Main Peer Manaawan Challi Aan,
(Oh, I’m on my way to cajole my spiritual master )
Shehnaaz stepped out into the parking area. It was already late in the night and she was famished.
" Ohe hoye? Main socheya America jaan toh pehla aap mil k tenu Mubarak de Deyaan!"( oh ho, I thought I must congratulate you before you go to America. ) he spoke stepping behind her .
The moment she heard him, she felt the air knock out of her lungs. The same fear that used to paralyze her gripped her soul. She didn't turn around and panicked, trying to open the door to the car.
" Its so good, you remember my voice. ", he spoke gripping her hand and pulling her back, pushing her to the car, holding her by her hair. " I thought you would have missed me. Novartis had a conference, I thought we would meet there. But koi vi Gill nahi aaya.( But none of the Gills came). ", her uncle spoke as his hand slipped to her face, fondling it, as she struggled to push him away.
"Leave me!", she spoke.
"Oh ho! Teri zabaan vi aa!"( You have a tongue!), his hands gripped over her neck, " Oh I have missed your skin! I was so sure you would grow into this ", his hand went lower trying to touch her breast, when she used her arms and pushed her away.
"Stay the Fuck away from me!"
He was startled at the reaction. She could have never dared to speak up against him. He looked at her in the eye and hit her, over the face. His right hand striking against her cheek, knocking the soul out of her body.
"You fucking slut! ", he gripped her under her face, as his grip began tighter , slowly strangulating her. His grip began to choke her, she felt breath less. His grip was lethal, he was going to kill her. She tried holding his hands and removing them, but he was way to stronger. Tears rushed into her eyss and she felt like she had lost all her breath, as her eyes rolled back into the sockets and her body began to give up.
"You can't run away. I promise you. ", he spoke pushing her away to the door of her car. She was so lost, so weak she fell to the ground, as he walked away leaving her nearly dead. Shehnaaz held her neck and gasped for breath. She broke into a cough, trying to breathe as much air as she could. Her limbs felt numb, her face pale as the air rushed back into her system.
"How long do you think it would take them?", Ria asked looking at Sidharth while he drove the car.
"Ria you are a big girl, aise abhi bhi mummy k bina neend nahi aati!",Rita spoke in between, teasing her. They were a family bound in blood. The jibber jabber of the family continued as the car moved through the road. And thats when his eyes fell on her moving on the other side of the divider in an opposite direction. She was sitting in the driver's seat, moving her hand on the steering wheel, while clearing her tears away. The smudge of the khol in her eyes staining her cheeks. His heart felt something in that moment.
"Why did you turn the car?", Rita asked, as she took.the next U turn, moving in the direction he knew Shehnaaz was going.
"Shehnaaz, mom I think she needs me!"
He moved out of the elevator, to find Shehnaaz trying to open door of her apartment. She was still dressed in the same clothes from the event, but they looked messed up.Her hands shivering while she tried opening the door.
"Shehnaaz?", he spoke and the phone fell from her hands.
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Love once again❣❣❣