Two Months Earlier
I was sitting in my apartment, a drink in my hand and a palm on my heart. My breathing was going back down to normal but the only comfort I had was the glass I was holding on so tight. I knew that if I stood up, I would be dizzy. I knew that if I tried to walk, it would most likely end up with me throwing up.
I heard a knock on the door behind me.
"Tippah?" Ellie called.
"What?" I asked, not wanting to let her in.
"Can I come in?" she asked.
"No," I responded. But she didn't listen, and instead budged me out of the door. I hadn't wanted to see her recently, especially after the break up.
"Jesus Christ, Tipp," Ellie said, as she saw the state that I was currently in.
"What?" I replied, not able to control my words.
"Come on," Ellie said, trying to get me to stand up. She had seen me at my worst before. She had seen me drunk before, and knew how to handle it, but this time was different. We weren't together.
"No," I said.
"Tipp, don't make me force you up," Ellie said.
"Ell, just go," I said, pushing her off me.
"Tippah..."
"Stop!" I said. "Just stop." Ellie looked at me, before walking away and grabbing a wet cloth from the kitchen, and placing it against my forehead.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself," she soon said.
"Doing what?" I replied.
"Getting drunk. We have a game tomorrow."
"I know."
"Well, Tipp, we need to figure out a way this can stop." I knew that it was happening too often. I wanted to stop but there was something about the warmth alcohol brought me that was unlike anything else.
"We need to not do anything," I replied. I knew I was saying everything wrong but what do people always say: drunk words are sober thoughts.
"Tippah, I can't keep doing this," Ellie then said. As I looked at her, a small tear came down her cheek.
"You don't have to do anything." She looked at me, trying so hard to be good. Trying so hard to be strong. But I knew I was breaking her, and I hated myself for that. That's why we broke up to begin with, but I knew she felt a level of responsibility and I hated myself for that.
"Okay," Ellie said. "Okay Tipp. Alright." Ellie handed me the cloth before standing up. "I'm not going to put myself in a position where I have to fight you when you're like this. But Tippah, one day, this is going to hurt you, not just me." She then walked out the door.
Before I could say anything, my eyes soon started to close. I felt my body lean against the door, and I was out.
"TIPPAH!" a voice soon called, shaking my body. "Tippah! Wake up!" But I couldn't wake up. My eyes weren't opening. I heard her voice, but I couldn't tell her that. I could hear the American speak, but that was it.
I didn't remember much after that.
I woke up later, in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV. As I looked around, I saw Cat sitting there.
"Thank goodness," Cat said, coming over to me.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Alcohol poisoning," Cat answered, holding my hand, and looking at me.
"What time is it?"
"2am," she replied.
"Jesus christ," I said, looking up. "Who knows I am here?"
"Tippah..."
"Who the fuck knows?" I asked her.
"No one," she answered. "Just me."
"How did you find me?" I asked.
"Ellie rang, she told me what happened between you guys and I came to check up on you. I'm glad I did. If I hadn't, the doctors said you could've done some serious damage."
"Maybe that should've happened," I said, under my breath.
"Tippah, maybe it's time to consider getting help of some sort? It's normal to have addic-"
"I'm not an addict!"
"I know you're not, but sometimes detoxes are nice."
"Cat, thank you for helping but I don't need anything." She looked at me, with a worried expression on her face, but nodded.
"Okay," she answered. "You have to stay here for a few more hours. I've already called the team and told them you're sick and won't be at the game today."
"Thanks," I replied.
"I've got to go," Cat soon said. "Please, Tipp, just stay safe." I nodded my head.
I didn't see her again. I left Lyon that evening, to head home for the Christmas break. Over the break, I looked at different clubs, and I left. I didn't see Ellie again, nor Cat, nor any of the other girls.
Present
I stared at the message for what felt like an eternity. I had deleted the contact as soon as I left Lyon. I didn't want to have to deal with the questions or concerns that person had for me.
But I knew it wasn't fair, to them or to me.
Tippah: Yeah okay.
I soon had a call.
"Hey," I said, into the phone, sighing softly.
"Hey," Cat replied. "How are you?"
"Yeah, I'm okay." I had been expecting this phone call for a while, knowing that Cat would want to reach out.
"How's Arsenal?"
"Yeah, it's alright," I responded, downplaying my first few weeks at the club.
"I'm sorry I haven't called sooner," Cat then said.
"It's alright."
"Things have just been busy."
"I understand that." The silence was deafening for a moment, neither of knowing what to say next. "So, why did you call?"
"To check in," she answered.
"I'm okay," I said.
"I just- last time I saw you, you weren't okay."
"I'm okay now," I said, trying to make her see it. Trying to show her that I was okay, and maybe myself too.
"Okay, well, please don't let yourself get it like that again."
"Don't worry," I soon said. "I won't." I tried sounding convincing, and I think I did that well.
"Okay, well, good to speak to you Tipp."
"You too, Cat," I answered, before hanging up and holding the phone close to my heart.
This was what made me sad. Cat and I, we were close at Lyon. We arrived at the same time, and being both young midfielders, we made a connection with each other. And I had ruined it, like I did with most things. I always had a special gift for doing that.
But I couldn't wallow for too long, as I soon had another message, but this time, from someone I actually wanted to hear from.
Leah: What are you doing right now?
Tipp: not much
Leah: well, want to do something?
Tipp: what you thinking?
Leah: meet me in 20 mins @ this address.
She soon sent through another address, and I got into the car, and put it into my nav. Going to meet Leah did two things for my brain and my heart. Firstly, it pushed any thoughts of Lyon, or Ellie, or Cat, or that night into the back of my mind.
But also, on the other hand, it reminded me of the possibility that I could fuck this up too. And I wanted nothing more than to not let that happen. I wanted to protect what Leah and I had with every ounce of blood in my veins and every bone in my body.
As I approached the location, it was getting closer and closer to midnight. I parked the car to find myself at High Gate park.
Tipp: where are you?
Leah: follow the light.
I looked at the street lights, walking the path up. I soon saw her, still in her Arsenal clothes.
"Hey," I said, calling out to her.
"Hey," she responded, grabbing my hand, taking me into the dark.
"Where the fuck are you taking me?" I joked to her.
"Don't ask, just walk," Leah responded. I chuckled slightly, but didn't question it, walking with her.
After a few moments, Leah lay down on the ground, looking up.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Lie down," she responded.
"Really?"
"Yes." I chuckled again, before lying beside her. I looked up, seeing the sky twinkle so incredibly bright.
"Wow," I soon said.
"Told you."
"I just- I didn't realise the stars could be this bright in London."
"Neither. It's one of the least light polluted places in the city."
"I love it. Reminds me of home."
"Sydney?"
"No, Forbes."
"Forbes?" Leah questioned.
"Where I grew up. It's a few hours from Sydney. In the countryside. A very small place." I hadn't ever told her the story of my upbringing. I was scared that once I did it would scare her. I knew that was stupid, but was it? Was it really that stupid? "But the stars- the stars always shone so bright. It was the one good thing about that place." I chuckled softly, feeling Leah's hand grab my own.
"Tell me more," she asked.
"I don't think you want to know," I answered.
"Oh, you couldn't be more wrong about that," she responded, and although I was looking up at the scare, I knew her eyes were on me. I could feel them.
So I told her some things. Told her about how I got into football. Told her that I moved to Sydney. And told her about how I started playing with the Wanderers. She was interested. She was invested.
But I left out quite a few things. I didn't want to bring them up, not now at least.
"Well, Tippah Jones," Leah soon said. "You are one very interesting person."
"You think?" I laughed.
"Yeah, I really do think." I turned to look at her, and she did the same.
"I'm scared," I said, after a little while.
"Why?"
"I'm not good at this sort of thing," I responded.
"I would beg to differ," Leah replied.
"I am an easy fuck up."
"Stop with that," Leah said.
"Leah-"
"Tipp, live in this god damn moment, and just kiss me." I looked at her, placing my hand on her cheek, before leaning in, my lips against hers. This was going to be it. At least, I hoped it would. Before I fucked it up at least.