I hummed to myself, doodling in my diary. I could probably have written something, but there didn't seem to be much point. I could tell now that my feelings were all jumbled up, and I wouldn't be able to think so good. It would be hard to understand the teachers today. In the few days since my playdate with Lyra, I had found it easier to just let things happen and not worry. Once, I'd even wet my diaper deliberately, shutting down my grown-up thoughts for an hour or so. I knew that Lyra was safe, and I was sure she would learn to enjoy the experience as much as I did while we journeyed back to infancy.
Today, though, I was back at school. And I was sure my head was foggy enough that I would struggle to keep up with the lessons. I didn't know if Mum had done anything when she helped me change out of my overnight diaper before heading off to school, or if this was going to be a background brain fog after a couple of baby days. And I didn't really care, it was easier just to not think about it. But my friends were around, and I wanted to be awake enough that they wouldn't have to worry about me.
"What are you drawing?" Linnea asked. She was sitting next to me, and pointed at where my pens were dancing around the page. "I thought you were writing in your diary, not drawing butterflies."
"Yeah, I..." I mumbled. "Think my brain's a bit fuzzy today. Hard to think of the words, and I get distracted and doodle."
"Are you okay?" Gem chipped in, really sounding worried.
"Yeah, I'm fine!" I said. And then I thought that sooner or later, I wouldn't be able to go to school anymore. And they were going to see me slowly drifting back to normal after a baby morning, so I should think of something to tell them. "Well... I went to see Lyra the other day."
"Oh? Is she okay? I thought she had... I don't know... something wrong?"
"She's got..." I paused a second, trying to remember the name of the disease that I had made up. Of course, there would be no way they could check it, but it would be easier to keep my story straight if I always said the same thing. "Regressive relapse syndrome, I think they called it? It's like some parts of her brain just switch off, so she can't remember stuff she's already learned. When she has a bad attack, she's crawling around and babbling like a baby, doesn't know anything she learned since she was like two. Her family knew how embarrassed she'd be if anybody saw her like that, so they're doing their best to keep her away from anybody who might tease her."
"But you can see her, and we can't? Is that 'cause you're the mature one who half thinks like an adult?"
"It's because the doctor says I might have it too," I said. "I saw the principal already, so the teachers know. If I can't understand them, it might get better in an hour or two, but if I get too bad, they can call Mummy and send me home. She thought if I chat with Lyra, I'd understand better what might happen to me. And we chatted some, she was having a good day. It's nice to talk, and know she's okay."
"That's good," Gem said. "Maybe we can see her too? I mean, I promise we won't laugh. We're friends, right?"
"Maybe. If I get that bad, you can play with me. But I warn you, it'll be like babysitting your little sisters. I might get really dumb, and not know how to walk or talk or anything."
"You're still our friend, though," Linnea said. "Really. We'll be your friends no matter what. Don't want you to be lonely, right?"
"Yeah. Thanks. I'll tell Mummy, and see if we can hang out more when I'm not up to going to school. I mean... I love you all, you're my best friends, but it would still be easy to laugh at me if you see me like that. I'm okay with that, I know it's funny. But I think Lyra is a bit more embarrassed, it might upset her. But once she's seen that you can still be kind, Mum will tell Melania, and we can see Lyra too."
"That seems fair," Gem cut off anyone else who might have been offended by anything less than absolute trust. "So you're the test, before we can see Lyra again? To make sure we can watch this and not be mean about it. It's good to look after somebody who's vulnerable."
"Yeah," I said, and looked down at my diary again. It was full of little butterflies and deformed rabbits, the doodles of a childish mind. Some of my entries still had words in, but not all of them. And I could tell that my friends were wondering about that, not knowing if I would still be the person they knew if I couldn't think so much.
"It'll only be for a year or two," I said. "But Lyra needs some support, I think. She needs to know we all still care about her, even if she can't help acting like a baby sometimes. If her parents can let you see her, so we're all still friends, I think that will make it easier for her."
Everybody mumbled their agreement, and then went quiet as Mr Smith walked into the classroom. It was time to learn now, once he was done with all the silly dad jokes for the morning. Today, he greeted us and said that there was some kind of event our parents were welcome to come to if they wanted to, but I didn't catch the details. Then he said that we were going to have a new classmate tomorrow, and I wondered who it would be. I wouldn't really have time to meet them before the childish thoughts overwhelmed me and I didn't feel up to going to school even on the good days. But it was still exciting to meet somebody knew. And then it was all the normal stuff, checking who was here and who was absent. The part of the school day that always went past without any kind of problems, until today.
I was waiting for the teacher to call my name when I felt something change. My muscles were suddenly too weak, and I knew what was happening about half a second before it actually happened. I felt my muscles relax, automatically tried to correct that, and my body just didn't respond. There was nothing I could do about it, those muscles were completely numb now, and I hadn't felt anything until it was too late. I was about to wet myself... No, I could already feel the first spurt of pee escaping into my pants, and the warmth spreading around my bum. Mummy had decided that I was a baby today. But that didn't make sense, because I wasn't wearing a diaper, so all my thoughts wouldn't go away.
As I felt the pee streaming down my legs, my mouth hung open in shock. I didn't know what I could do, or what I could say about it. I could kind of think normally, except from the leftover fuzziness in my head from last night, but there was nothing I could do to stop the accident. And when I found thoughts about being a good girl for Mummy drifting across my mind, I knew that there were things more important than all the drugs.
I'd been reading that book again this week. Potty Training for Teens. It was framed as a set of affirmations for self help. You can resist little accidents because only babies wet themselves. Babies do this, that, and the other, so if you were a baby you would do that too. It was designed to make you associate wet diapers with being a baby, and being a baby with doing all those things. Maybe it was some kind of brainwashing thing, even. I could imagine that working. Especially once I knew that some of the diapers would make me less critical and more suggestible.
But I was starting to think of myself as a baby. Even without the diapers, and the special magic crystals in them that would turn my brain off. I was having an accident, so I must be a baby. It was as natural and obvious as two and two adding up to four... I hesitated a second, just to confirm to myself that the calculation was right there.
And then my friends were running around, noticing that I was staring into space, as well as the puddle spreading on the floor. They seemed to be in a little panic, until the teacher came over and told everybody to sit down.
"I uhh..." I mumbled. "I can't remember how to hold it? I think I... umm..."
"Is this part of the turning into a baby thing?" Penny asked. At least one person could make the connection.
"I think so," I mumbled. I felt so helpless now, that this could happen without me even realising until it was too late. But it was also reassuring that my friends were still listening to me, and that they were still worried about me instead of laughing. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
It was hard enough to say even that much. There was a thought at the back of my mind that I must be a baby if I'd wet myself, and a baby couldn't think like that. And it was a weird kind of fun when I realised that sooner or later, I wouldn't be able to resist doing what those thoughts said I should. But right now, I knew that the most important thing was making sure that nobody else worried about me.
"It's okay, Alice," the teacher said, and I knew Mummy would want me to listen to the grown-ups. "I think I should call your mummy now, is that okay with you?"
I nodded, and didn't try to think anymore. When any of my friends talked to me like a baby, it just made it feel more real. I could laugh then, and play along, and even without the special diapers, any dream that I might have been a big girl started to fade away. Penny came with me to the nurse's office, where I could wait for Mummy to come and get me. I felt so safe knowing there was a friend there for me, and nothing else seemed to matter. And after a bit of talking, which I didn't really need to understand, Penny convinced Mummy that she should come with me to make sure I was okay. Mummy asked me if that was okay, and I nodded and giggled. I might have said something, but I didn't know how much sense I was making then.
It was good to have a friend who really cared. I didn't think too much about it, because babies can't think. But I could feel good. Mummy put me in a diaper, because she knew I needed it. And then I sat down to watch cartoons, while Mummy asked Penny if she was okay with being my babysitter for a little while. We were friends, I knew. But It was still good to have Penny looking after me when I was a baby. I felt good about that right up until the moment I wet my diaper, and then I wasn't thinking anything at all.