After three days Liam finally came to us triumphant.
He enthusiastically told us that Zayn had finally decided to talk to him and that they were slowly working things out with him. He obviously tried to get us to talk to him like Josh and I had eventually done to Niall but of course we both ardently refused, come on, Josh had never even spoken to him, except when Daniel was hanging out with his and Louis' group. The blond also flatly refused.
One thing was Niall, who had accused Louis of having collaborated with Nick, which had already been difficult to forgive, another thing was to collaborate with Nick as Zayn had done, endangering the lives of their best friends. Liam was almost dead and I really couldn't believe that he of all people wanted to have him back as a friend. I had discussions with him on the matter. I tried to make him understand that Zayn wasn't the boy he thought he was and that he was one of those people that it was better to lose than to find. But he was stubborn, he said it was us who didn't understand. Liam was usually always quite calm, but the aggression he put into it when we got into an argument was impressive.
He was so convinced of this 'naivety of Zayn', as he liked to call it, that he even asked Louis to go and talk to him. To which he rightly responded with: "Are you stoned? We hated each other even before, why should things have changed? If anything, they've gotten worse!". But Liam didn't give up, he tried in every way to convince us through all possible and imaginable techniques, slipping pro-Zayn phrases into speeches so that they seemed like random statements, in the hope of convincing us or making us miss him.
But we were firm in our positions and once he was quite insistent we were close to arguing with him too. After that he decided to calm down a bit, but still continued to believe in his cause. I wouldn't have been surprised to see him hanging strange billboards all over the college. But I was also sorry to be too hard on him. I knew he was having a hard time, his girlfriend said she would contact him soon but since she helped him escape he hadn't heard from her. He was terrified that his father might hurt her.
"As long as it's me, I can bear it, but he mustn't touch her," he said one day. Not that he talked about it much anyway. In fact, he hardly ever talked about it and we were quite worried. He dodged the subject, occasionally he said something, but he had to decide when and how and in any case the discussion never went beyond a minute, because then he changed the subject. Liam could be so unpredictable at times, I didn't think I'd ever really figure it out. It wasn't like Niall who was an open book. Sure, except when he disappeared with Josh for hours and if you asked him what they did, he'd just say, "stuff." What the hell answer was that? And Josh the same. Louis was really starting to hate it. "It's all your fault!" he told me one day.
"Mine? And what would I have done?" I asked him incredulously. "You're the one who did Josh and the dyed blond meet! Josh wasn't so weird before." Evidently Josh must have just given him another mysterious answer, because he was only so nervous when this happened. "Are you saying you wish you never knew me?" I teased.
"No, I'm saying I wish they hadn't met," he retorted.
"But they are our respective best friends, it was obvious that sooner or later they would meet," I told him, obviously rolling my eyes.
"Then I preferred later," he stated decisively.
"Like when?" that speech was starting to take a crazy turn and the funny thing was that we almost always ended up like this. Once we debated for an hour whether marshmallows or swivel chairs were better.
"Like at our wedding!" he said in exasperation, but the next moment he seemed to realise what he had said, because his cheeks flushed and "Or when a meteor hits my parents' house" he added quickly, almost as if what he had said before it was another unlikely bullshit. And I no longer understood anything. Was he seriously talking about our future marriage? Had he ever really thought about it? To then come back to ask me once again the other question that I hadn't yet had an answer to. Did he really want to tell me I love you the other day? I would probably never get an answer.
"Stop it, admit it that you like Niall too" I said
"Never. Too annoying," he said confidently, but not at all convincing to me that I knew him well.
"And Josh is always in a good mood when he's with him," I added.
"Too much in a good mood. I really wish I knew what they do together" he paused "Ok, maybe I don't want to know."
"Come on, you and Liam still don't have that crazy idea that they're in a secret relationship!" I could not believe it. Sure I had suspicions too, but in the end they'd never done anything to prove they had anything other than a friendship.
"It's the only explanation that comes to mind that makes sense. And Liam agrees with me too" I crossed my arms and glared at him.
"Liam sees love even between cucumber and carrot, it doesn't count. It's not like if you and I are gay, that means our friends are too" I tried to explain.
"I'm not gay," he said and I laughed at him. "Oh no? Actually all straight men have a guy who fucks them like I did something like two hours ago" he grimaced.
"I'll take away your delegation as boyfriend if you have to keep throwing it back at me" he said.
"As long as you don't take away my delegation to fuck you," I said winking.
"Fuck Styles. Niall and Josh are still together anyway," he changed the subject as his cheeks turned red for the second time that day.
"But that doesn't make any sense! We're together and they know it all too well, why not tell us? We would indeed be hypocrites if we did not approve of them. So in my opinion they aren't hiding anything at all" I explained my thesis, but he insisted.
"Maybe they're shy," he told me.
"I didn't say they have to come out in front of everyone, I just said they would have no reason not to tell us" I explained.
"Maybe they're ashamed" he tried then.
"But do we know the same people?" I asked him doubtfully.
"They're together. I'm right. You know it too" he told me with conviction. It was clear he wasn't right, he didn't have any proof, but he still managed to make me feel wrong.
"I searched the internet for 'vanilla pudding on the fire'" I laughed, although his gaze was very serious.
"And what did you find?" I asked, trying to regain control.
"Absolutely nothing! Just a few recipes for making vanilla pudding. Harry, what do you think it means? I'm going crazy Harreh" I didn't make it and started laughing again.
"I don't know Lou, maybe Niall just wanted to have vanilla pudding and wanted to share it with Josh" he glared at me.
"Don't talk bullshit. Did you see how Josh immediately ran to him? It's obviously a code phrase, but I don't know what it means" by now he seemed to be talking more to himself than to me.
"Honey, don't you think when they're ready, they'll tell us?" I asked, trying to soften him.
"Ha ha! Then you admit that there is something between them!" He accused me, pointing his finger at me.
"I don't know, but I don't think so. Why are you so obsessed with this thing? Is it so important?" He incredibly slumped to the floor, despite the bed being half a metre away from him. Instinctively I followed him and sat down next to him, with his back against the wall.
"I don't know. Maybe I'm just worried and so I try not to think about what worries me and concentrate on something else, without really succeeding" he admitted in a faint voice. These moments when Louis let me into his head a little bit were rare and precious to me. I loved that he trusted me, knowing how hard it was for him to say anything about himself.
"What is it that worries you so much?" I asked him. He didn't answer me, but turned to me. His eyes seemed to be screaming "you," but maybe that was just me. He bent down to my lips and left me a kiss. He remained in that position for a few seconds before breaking away and sighing with his eyes closed. I looked at him waiting, but he continued to say nothing. But he approached me, I opened my legs and I let him get comfortable between them. His back was in contact with my torso and his head resting at the level of my heart. He was certainly hearing it beat faster than normal and while this embarrassed me, I was also glad he could notice the effect he was having on me. I wrapped my arms around his torso and he started playing with my hands resting on his stomach.
"Harry" he called after endless moments of silence.
"What's up Louis?" I asked him almost in a whisper.
"Thank you," he said after another pause of silence.
"For what?" I left a kiss in his hair.
"For everything. For making me start living again" A smile was born spontaneously on my lips.
"I'd pick you up straight from hell and always bring you back here" he didn't answer. However, he continued to play with my hands, caressing my fingers, squeezing them with his. His gaze was completely enraptured by what he was doing. Of course I let him. Not that I minded anyway, but I always let him. Especially when he had his moments. His movements, however, became more and more anxious and nervous.
"Harry" he called me again.
"Tell me Louis."
Silence.
"Nothing, never mind," he said after what seemed like an infinite amount of time. I didn't want to insist.The playing with my hands had now become slower and more delicate, until he stopped making his hands interlace with mine. Then he got up slightly away from me and turned his face towards mine.
"Harry" he called me for the third time.
"Yes Louis?" I asked him as I watched his hair falling softly over his forehead and his blue eyes staring at me in the dim light. The sun was going down and the way the red rays illuminated him made him look even more beautiful than he already was.
"Will you give me another kiss?"
I smiled at him and brushed his hair away from his forehead before agreeing.
**
"I love him," I said to Liam the following afternoon at the gym.
Normally I would have told Niall, but he was with Josh again. From when they were reconciled they had become worse than before, it almost seemed that one couldn't go anyway, without having the permission of the other. And maybe I believed Lou's theory a little too. Or maybe not.
Liam obviously didn't even need to ask who. "And he knows?" he asked instead, as he increased the speed of the treadmill he was running on, right next to me.
"I think so," I said uncertainly.
"You think so?" he asked me, confused "Didn't you ever tell him?"
"No," I admitted, almost embarrassed.
"And why don't you want to tell him?" Liam always went straight to the point, asking well-pointed questions. He hadn't asked me 'why didn't you tell him', but 'why don't you want to tell him. Many would not have felt the difference, but it weighed like a millstone on me. It wasn't some external factor's fault that I hadn't told him yet, it was because I didn't want to.
"I don't know. I'm afraid to scare him away," I told him, but I wasn't entirely convinced it was the complete truth.
"Or maybe you're the one who's scared," he suggested instead.
"And what exactly would I be afraid of?" I asked then, as I stopped the treadmill and went down to get some water.
"I don't know, you tell me. Why are you able to admit it calmly to me, but you can't tell him?" he imitated my action, also stopping the tool and getting off. He wiped his face with a towel, wiping away the sweat, then raised his face to me expectantly.
"I'm afraid he'll burst out laughing in my face and tell me I'm a fucking asshole who lives in the world of fairy tales and that I've always been just a game to him" I spat out in one gulp. Liam raised an eyebrow.
"Harry, do you really think Louis would say that?" he asked rather incredulously.
"He already did it once. A while ago" Liam couldn't know, but telling him and remembering that moment, it hurt and my fear grew. But he shook his head.
"Haz, I'm not sure when it happened, but you said it was a while ago. Do you think Louis would say something like that again, now?" he paused "And if the answer is yes, I'm sorry, but I really think I'm going to punch him. Maybe twice"
He was terribly serious, but a smile escaped me anyway.
"No. I don't think he would. But I meant it when I said I might scare him away. He always does. Maybe it would've been simpler for me if I just waited for him to say it and he would, I'll be ready to say 'I love you too'" seemed to me to be a reasonable solution, but Liam didn't seem to agree.
"Haz, I know I haven't known Louis long, but from what I understand, if you're scared, he's at least three times as scared and if you wait his time, he'll probably tell you next Christmas." I mumbled "Niall said something like that too" which only encouraged Liam.
"That's exactly it. If you wait for him to tell you first, you'll implode. And not because he doesn't love you of course, but because he has a harder time admitting it than you. In my opinion, if you love someone, you should just tell them, without worrying too much about what they will actually think. It's not wrong what you feel" his words made me think. And I realised that there was another thing that scared me.
"I've never said that before," I confessed. Liam put his hand on my shoulder encouragingly.
"There's a first time for everyone"
**
Louis had gone somewhere with Josh, he still hadn't come back and I was bored out of my mind. Liam and Niall were studying together for an exam in some subject and I was just there in the room by myself surfing the television.
"I'll be back soon," Louis had said. Yet I continued to be there alone doing nothing. Out of desperation, I had also made a video call with my mother before, but now I was really out of things to do. I was almost making up my mind to study when I heard a knock at the door. I went to open the door and was initially amazed to find no one. I began to think I was going crazy, but when I was about to close the door, I saw a letter on the floor.
'For Harry'
It said on the back. I opened it impatiently and found only a short message inside:
Meet me in the billiard room.
I am waiting for you
L. xxx
I smiled at the sight of those few lines.
Had Louis arranged a surprise for me? I couldn't wait to find out what it was, well, he didn't surprise me that often, especially given how the last one had ended. The billiard room seemed like an unusual choice, we'd never gone together, I only knew where it was because I'd gone a few times with Liam. But then I thought that actually nobody ever went to that room and that it was therefore a perfect place to meet. I didn't deny that as I walked the corridors, I had a hint of a hard on, already anticipating sex on the pool tables.
I thought back to how Josh had scolded us last time, but I had to admit that Louis was right. There was something exciting about doing it in a public place with the fear of being discovered. When I arrived, I noticed that the room was actually deserted as I had imagined. The lights were off, but you could still see. But what I didn't see was my boyfriend. So I decided to call him.
"Louis?" still silent.
Then the sound of a hit. Pain. And then dark.
**
When I woke up, the first thing I felt was a lightheaded feeling, as if I'd had a lot to drink the night before, even though I don't remember getting drunk. I tried to move an arm to reach the body of Louis that I knew was next to me, but at that point I had a problem. Not only did I not find the body I knew so well, but I just couldn't move my arm.
At that moment I knew something was wrong. I suddenly remembered the note and the billiard room. When I got there, I called Louis, but he didn't answer. From there I had the most total emptiness, I no longer remembered anything. I finally decided to open my eyes and almost instantly regretted having done so.
I was in a room. But that wasn't what struck me. It sure as hell wasn't my room, otherwise there would have been Louis' clothes scattered all over it. The second observation concerned my clothes. Because they were gone, completely. When I tried to get up I realised problem number three. My ankles and wrists were tied to the bed. I couldn't move and when I tried to scream for help I realised I had duct tape over my mouth preventing it.
"Finally you woke up" and there he was.
From the corner of the room, my problem number five appeared. I should have known right away. I should have guessed that. The note wasn't a Louis' thing either, but in my naivety I found myself fantasising about surprises and pool tables.
At that moment, incredibly, I laughed. It was obvious. I knew that sooner or later it would've happened, lately I had even let my guard down, he had become calmer and with the end of school I had begun to believe that he had given up. But of course it couldn't be like that. He couldn't possibly stand there and watch me rebuild my life piece by piece and see me leisurely walking around hand in hand with my boyfriend making out with him around college like nothing happened. He was just waiting, he was getting organised and I have to admit he was really well organised.
"Oh yeah, you can't answer me," he suddenly seemed to remember.
"You know Harry, I didn't want it to go like this. We could both have what we wanted, me you and you me. Instead you had to resist. Pretend you were too into that Tomlinson. But I understood everything Harry" he approached me and stroked my cheek. Never had such a delicate gesture made me so disgusted.
"You are afraid of the attraction you have towards me, but you don't have to worry. I understand it, it's normal. It's the same I feel for you". If I hadn't had a plaster over my mouth, I would have yelled at him that he was just crazy.
"We are made for each other. But you are afraid of the strength of this thing and your brain has convinced itself that you like that one. But the heart cannot lie". I saw him grab the edges of his t-shirt and slowly pull it over his head.
"But after tonight, your heart and all the rest of your body will understand too. And then there won't be any more problems" his hand went to undo the button and the zipper of his trousers, then he took them off and left them on the floor. "I will be yours and you will be mine" he also took off his socks and boxers, remaining completely naked in front of me.
At that moment I started to get really scared. "Now and forever". He climbed onto the bed and straddled my chest. I widened my eyes in terror. I felt his erection quickly form against me. "Do you feel what you're doing to me Harry? Why don't you let yourself go? I can see the sparks behind your eyes" he leaned over me, to leave a kiss on my lips and I was incredibly happy to have scotch on my mouth.
I didn't want him to taint me in any way. I didn't want him to take the taste of Louis from my lips. And above all I didn't want him to feel his presence on my body. I realized how stupid this thought was, when at that moment Nick was literally about to rape me.
"Now honey I have to do something, but you have to keep quiet and shut up". He went up all over my body and came to sit almost on my neck. I could barely breathe. "Now let's remove this ugly thing that covers your beautiful pink mouth." Suddenly I felt the tape go missing.
I opened my mouth to scream, more from the sudden pain than from the knowledge that I could speak. But of course I didn't make it in time, as I opened my mouth, he dived into it and my screams were immediately drowned out by his tongue meeting mine. I didn't even have time to react, nor to really realise it. He was kissing me. His sneaky saliva into my mouth, which seemed to want to get rid of the taste of Louis at all costs. I stood motionless, but I could not oppose in any way. When he was evidently satisfied, he walked away. I barely had time to get a breath of air before his hand was on my lips.
"You taste like sweet Harry. A truly sublime taste. I could kiss you all day long, but those lips so red and shiny make me have other cravings. And I'm sure you can't wait either, right love? Your body, your brain are finally starting to understand, right". My eyes were wide with terror. I did not want to. Whatever he had in mind I didn't want to do it.
He got closer to my throat. I was starting to really miss air. He removed his hand. I didn't even have the strength to say anything. Then he slapped me.
This time I really screamed, but not long enough for anyone to hear me, because once again my mouth was filled with something. But this time it wasn't his language, which I already regretted by then. I tried to move my head, but Nick held me still as he let his cock sink into my mouth. "Take it easy love. I know you're excited, but there's no need to get so impatient."
At that point, I took all the strength I had and bit him. But he didn't have to be as stupid as he seemed, because he was somehow prepared, he grabbed my hair and started to pull it, almost tearing it out. "Oh darling, I didn't know that arousal made you violent. But we have to get to know each other well and I, I don't really like violent things" he pulled my hair again in contradiction of what he had just told me. "So now you relax so we can fully enjoy these sensations. Do you agree, love? I love you so much Harry" and at that point I gave in.
I let him go up and down my throat, almost choking me. Tears began to flow down my face and incredibly my thoughts went to Louis. Not to imagine that it was him instead of Nick and somehow alleviate my suffering, but because I felt guilty.
Nick wasn't just dirtying my body, he was dirtying my whole soul. I was cheating on Louis. That was my only thought. I was cheating on Louis. It doesn't matter if it wasn't wanted by me. My body was violated by someone other than him. Someone else was touching me in a way that must have been reserved for him alone. I was hating Nick and I was hating myself. I didn't know if once Nick was done with me, I would ever be able to let him touch me again.
He was pure and was not to come in contact with me who had been defiled.
"Sorry Lou" was all that played in my mind like a broken record. Nick came on my face. Somehow I was grateful to him. If he had come in my mouth and forced me to swallow, I would never have gotten rid of the feeling of dirt that I had inside. He wiped his cum out of my eyes, almost sweetly. "Don't worry, love. Now comes the most beautiful and fun part for you".
"Nick, please..." I managed to whisper to him in a plea, my voice still broken by the crying that hadn't stopped yet. He smiled at me and left me another kiss, luckily for me, on the lips. "I'll make you cum like you've never had in your life" he promised me. "But first..." he pulled out more duct tape from under the bed. He tore off a piece with his teeth and placed it on my mouth.
"We can't risk anyone hearing your moans of pleasure, right baby?" I looked at him with wet, pleading eyes. I still hoped to find something human in him, in what had once been my best friend. What kind of monster was I hanging around with? And what kind of monster I had to be not to notice. He answered my silent pleas only with smiles. Then suddenly one of his fingers entered me. No lube, no softness, just firm, straight to the point.
"You are so beautiful, my love" he said to me. And I didn't understand if he was serious or not. Because I was sure that at that moment I was anything but beautiful. Another finger reached the first in the same way. "I'd spend all day looking at you." A third finger. "I love you so much". He began to fidget his fingers sharply, causing me nothing but pain. Every movement was a source of suffering for me. Then suddenly he pulled his fingers out. I saw him position himself between my legs. I wasn't ready. "I'm not ready," I thought. I closed my eyes.
I heard the sound of a door slamming. I snapped my eyes open. Someone was grabbing Nick, pulling him away from me. I couldn't make out things well, I was lying down, I couldn't move and the room was quite dark. I saw him dragging him to a corner of the room and from what I heard and from Nick's moans, it looked like he was hitting him.
Another person entered the room soon after and called my name. I didn't see him either, but I would have recognized that voice among a thousand. He called me desperately, but I couldn't answer him. At one point I felt my legs no longer pull as before and shortly after my arms were free too. The figure came fully into my view. His eyes seemed to sparkle in the dim light of the room.
"Harry," he said once more as he gently pulled the tape from my mouth. His eyes were shining and "Louis" I called him then. He took my cheeks and kissed me, seemingly oblivious to the taste they had taken.
"I'm sorry Harry... Please, I beg you, tell me you're okay" he said to me with panic in his voice and tears in his eyes. "Louis" I called him again. Suddenly the room was silent again. I no longer heard either Nick or the other person. I didn't turn to look for them. My eyes remained chained to his.
"I love you"