A month had passed and things had remained the same. I spent my days dividing myself between Liam, Josh and Louis, laughing and joking and when I wasn't with them I was locked up in my room and tried to study given the flood of exams I had to take. I honestly didn't count on passing any of them, it was practically impossible for me to succeed, when I opened a book it seemed to me that it was written in Arabic.
I had never even remotely heard of those things, I seriously wondered what I had been doing for practically a year, it was not possible that six hours a day, five days a week I had only spent time in class thinking about Louis.
Yet it seemed to be so. Except when I didn't even go to class of course. I risked going crazy and the more I tried to study, the less I succeeded, so I just gave up.
I was freaking out from the stress, but I certainly wasn't the only one. Liam was practically not breathing anymore, he too spent his time divided between studying, even if he had to take many exams less than me since he hadn't waited for the last moment like me, us, Niall and Zayn. Not that the latter considered him much to tell the truth, but he continued to try constantly. Also he and Louis, who inexplicably got along very well even though no one explained why, kept pressuring me and Josh to forgive Niall.
In our group, the absence of the blond was very much felt, the cheerfulness and light-heartedness that he usually gave off, his smile that seemed to be able to light up the world. Furthermore, if there was leftover food, we never knew who to give it to. Liam usually ended up eating it because he was sorry to throw the food away.
I missed him a lot, but I still couldn't forgive him. What he had done was just too much. Liam tried to spend as much time with him as possible, but as he told me he was slowly sinking lower and lower. Josh, if possible, seemed even less willing than me to forgive him and yet I was sure he was greatly affected by this absence.
At lunch and dinner there were now the most absurd combinations, many times the four of us ate together, while other times Josh and Liam ate together, to leave a little privacy for Louis and me and this time my boyfriend wasn't jealous.
Other times however, especially when I saw Josh particularly dejected and even if he didn't say it we knew it was for Niall, I only let him eat with his best friend so he could vent. It also happened, and much more frequently than one might imagine, that Josh and I ate together, but not so much because the two of us wanted it, although I didn't mind his company at all, rather because it was Louis and Liam who wanted to be together. I really couldn't understand how they could get along so well, especially considering that it seemed to me that they spent half the time arguing. Maybe that's why they enjoyed it.
**
One afternoon I was on my bed trying to study what appeared to be private law. I wondered with what criteria I had chosen those courses, then I remembered that since I had refused, my parents had chosen them for me. Louis came back in just as I was staring at the wall and thinking how good he would be there, maybe with my body trapping him.
"Hey!" I said smiling and placing the book on my lap. But he didn't smile at me, he just stood staring at me with his arms crossed. I started to worry. "What happened?" I asked him then.
"You have to come with me," he said firmly.
"And where?" The serious air he had did not reassure me at all.
"To Niall," I hastily retrieved the book and went back to staring at it. "Harry, stop being a baby," he scolded me, but I quickly countered, saying I wasn't being a baby at all.
"Can't you see I'm busy?" my acid tone was quite evident.
"Harry, first of all you have the book upside down, so don't pretend you're busy. Second, I bet you can't even remember why you're mad at him by now!" He was being ridiculous. I knew very well why I was angry with him and my reasons were more than valid. I refused to answer and just glared at him.
"Harry, I know I've asked you a million times..." I cut him off immediately.
"Then you will also already know my answer" he rolled his eyes, but shortly after he sighed and came to sit next to me on the bed. He started stroking my hair with one hand slowly. I would never have admitted it to him, but at that gesture I calmed down and
immediately melted away, even if perhaps he had realised it anyway. "Haz listen to me please I understand you're upset but I'm worried about you and Niall. For you because although you say you're fine I know you're not, you miss the sparkle of cheerfulness in your eyes and I'm worried about Niall, because he won't let Liam or anyone else visit him anymore. The cinegro said..."
"Who?" I asked somewhat confused.
"The cinegro there. His roommate," he explained as if it were natural. "Calum?" I remembered talking to him a couple of times when I went to the blond.
"Fuck I know what his name is, it doesn't matter what I'm trying to tell you. Well the cinegro, that one, Caleb, said he hasn't been out of the room in over a week. He doesn't see him eating or drinking or going to the bathroom or watching television or anything. He only ever sees him lying on that bed with the covers up over his head. Sure, he doesn't know what he does when he goes to class, but what he does know is that Niall doesn't go and he's lost a lot of weight."
I said nothing. Not even a word. I wasn't even quite sure what I should say, the guilt and worry started to surface, but my pride and anger quickly swallowed them down. But they were there, continuing to push to get to the surface. Not strong enough to make me act, but powerful enough not to allow me to ignore them.
"Come on Harry. If you don't want to do it for him, at least do it for me." I obviously gave in to those words, but I didn't want him to understand it right away, so "I'll think about it" I told him. He rushed at me evidently excited, knowing he already had the victory in his pocket. He took me by the cheeks and kissed me passionately, until I lost my breath.
"I lo..." he stopped suddenly and cleared his throat "I adore you!" he concluded, giving me a big smile, but that didn't fully convince me. I understood what he was about to say. And he understood that I understood it.
But it wasn't the fact that he hadn't completed the sentence that upset me, as much as the meaning that could be hidden behind that missed "I love you". Was it something dictated by the enthusiasm of the moment? Was it like when Liam handed his portion of fries to Niall and he yelled, "I love you!"? Or was it something else? Was it a feeling he actually felt, but wasn't ready to detect yet? However, I didn't want to embarrass him, which is why I answered him confidently: "I know, everyone adores me, how could you not give in to my infinite charm?". He threw a pillow on my head. "Oh stop it, you have the charm of a withered pine cone! Now go to Niall, you're taking too long" he pressed me pushing me to get up. "But how! And sex? Where is my prize?" I complained jokingly. But not too much. Meanwhile I had stood up and was trying in vain to make the creases disappear from my shirt and make myself at least presentable.
"The award is received after doing the homework. Come on now, the blond wants to see you" he accompanied the words with a pat on the butt. I pretended to grumble annoyed and he laughed. I then turned towards him to steal a kiss from him, but he got out of bed and literally pushed me out the door and then slammed it in my face and locked it from the inside. I was completely speechless, before realising even another detail. "You asshole, I don't even have shoes!" I yelled at him from behind the door, but all I got back was loud laughter.
I mentally cursed him a couple of times as I walked down the corridor, but deep down I was smiling, because it was also for those strange and spontaneous behaviours that drove me crazy, that I liked Louis so much. He was different from everyone else, he saw things in his own way, he was cheeky, direct, but also insecure, even if he always tried to hide his characteristic with arrogance.
He could also be very protective and very sweet when he wanted to. Involuntarily I went to touch the airplane-shaped necklace hanging around my neck, which he had given me. I always carried it with me, it had become like a second skin. It fit me perfectly. Like Him. Louis almost seemed like he was born just for me. He was able to take care of me in a way no one else could and I did the same for him. I loved him. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
I still wasn't used to actually feeling that way, being ready to give up everything for one person. Yet this feeling had completely overwhelmed me and I found myself thrown into adrift in the middle of the ocean. But he was my anchor, my anchor that kept me safe. It just happened somehow. And now I found myself reluctantly in front of the door of a person I didn't want to see, just out of love for another. I could have left, but I knew that sooner or later I would have to talk to Niall, also because otherwise Lou would have dragged me by the hair. I'd rather do this right away so I would tell Louis and Liam that I'd talked to him, but I'd stand my ground. I knocked on the door and shortly after a dark-haired boy I recognized as Calum opened the door.
"Hey!" he greeted me "I guess you're here for Niall, wait, I'm going to call him, but I can't assure you that he will want to see you". I saw him step back into the room a little before he spoke again, though this time he didn't address me.
"Niall, someone wants to see you," I heard him fondly. I hadn't heard the answer my old friend gave him, but I still heard Calum's voice: "It's not Liam," he told him.
"I don't want to see Louis either." This time though barely, I could make out Niall's words. And if I hadn't known it was him speaking, I probably wouldn't have recognized him, his voice sounded so different.
"It's not even Louis." After that sentence I heard no more sound from neither, it was as if the atmosphere had frozen. Soon after Calum reappeared at the door.
"Look, he didn't give me any answer" he said nervously while scratching his head nervously. "I'm not sure how to interpret this, but I think it would be good for him to talk to you. Don't worry, I'm going to a friend of mine, I don't want to disturb you". He probably expected me to say something back, but I had gotten too nervous, so I nodded and took a step forward towards the bedroom. He seemed resigned and went out, closing the door behind him. I pity him a little. If he'd known Liam and Louis, maybe Zayn and Niall and Josh in their heyday, he probably thought we were a bunch of deranged lunatics. And maybe he wasn't even wrong.
Once I got to the bed I didn't see Niall right away. He was curled up under the blankets that covered him up to his head, despite the fact that it was the end of May and quite warm. Only the nose and a small piece of face emerged, obviously from the opposite side of the one where I was.
"Niall" I called him. The carpeting and my bare feet must have muffled my entry, because when he heard my voice he first jumped, then froze. Or maybe it was because I hadn't spoken yet and he didn't expect it to be me.
"Niall" I tried again, perhaps a little less harshly than the first time. I could not hide that despite everything his condition worried me. It wasn't like him to act like that.
"Look, I came here to talk," I tried, but all I heard was silence.
"Fuck you!" I yelled at him then and shortly after I was back in the corridor as I slammed the door loudly behind me. I stayed there for a moment like this. I don't know exactly what prompted me shortly after to take a deep breath and reopen that door. I went inside, closed it again behind me and went to sit on Calum's bed. He probably thought I was already rude anyway, so what more, what less. From that position I could see what little of Niall's face emerged from the blankets. His eyes were open and looking at me. But they were completely extinguished and it almost seemed that a thin layer of dust had settled on them. For a while we just stared at each other, though I wasn't sure if he really saw me.
"Louis almost told me I love you earlier." I don't know where that phrase came from. It wasn't why I went to Niall's and it certainly wasn't what I wanted to talk to him about, although I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to talk about. But those words seemed to awaken Niall from his stupor. His eyes widened and I could swear I saw the shadow of a smile appear on his face.
"Really?" he asked me shyly. I had to hold back, because my lips were curling up and I didn't want to.
"Yeah. But at the last moment he stopped and said 'I adore you'. I don't even know how to feel about it" the stream of words escaped my mouth, like I couldn't hold it in, like I couldn't help it. Maybe it's been too long since I've talked to someone. With Josh it would have been ridiculous, it was embarrassing to talk to him about how I fucked his best friend, even though the jokes at the table or when we were out were numerous. But we were always in a group. It was different, only me and him would have been... well strange. I talked about it with Liam from time to time, but it wasn't exactly the same thing. I was very fond of Liam, but he was a bit more serious and I had never reached the same level of confidence that I had with Niall. Maybe I just missed my best friend more than I wanted to admit.
"Harry, you know that Louis loves you, but he doesn't have the courage to say it. I mean, it took him four months to figure out that he liked you and two more to ask you to get together. At least give him another month to get him to tell you he loves you" he said in his weak voice. I didn't answer, I still stood there staring at him for a while. It was then he who continued the conversation.
"How are things between you two?" At that point I really let myself go into a smile thinking about my boyfriend.
"Very good. Really, it couldn't be better. He's so... perfect. Of course we still fight," I giggled stupidly. "But I think it wouldn't be us, if we didn't fight over every trifle."
He joined my chuckle. "Yeah, you wouldn't be the Larrys anymore" he looked at me intensely and he got out of the covers a bit "It was... It was what I and... and Josh used to call you" he said hesitantly. He coughed then "You're lucky. He's a really nice guy" he said. At that point, however, I frowned.
"I didn't think you felt that way last time," my tone had obviously hardened and that made Niall drop his eyes again.
"I know. I really was a jerk. Wrapped up in my old fears. So scared of old stories that I didn't realise that it was really one of my best friends who betrayed us all" he confessed in a broken voice.
I found myself more than ever battling with my feelings.
"Yes, you've been such a jerk," I told him. I saw him purse his lips. "But you shouldn't blame yourself for Zayn. We're all in the same boat. None of us could have ever imagined that"
"I'm sorry Harry" I saw a few tears roll down his face "I'm so sorry"
I looked at him and understood. He wasn't just saying it. He was really sorry.
"I know" then I couldn't resist anymore. I approached his bed and hugged him gently. Despite the blankets I immediately noticed that he was much frailer than usual.
"Christ Niall! When was the last time you ate?" I almost yelled at him.
"I had a sandwich on Tuesday," he told me shyly.
"Niall, Tuesday was three days ago! Shit come eat with me tonight and I won't let you go until you've emptied half the pantry, do you understand me?" I didn't wait for his answer so I gave him a little slap on the cheek, without really hurting him. He nodded though perhaps a little reluctantly.
"And to think that I mainly came here to insult you. How the fuck did you make me forgive you?" I asked jokingly.
"It's you who's too good, luckily for me," he said.
"Irish leprechaun luck?" I joked ironically and he started to laugh.
"Maybe" we laughed a little more, then he became more serious.
"Harry, can I ask you something?" His tone scared me a little, but I nodded anyway. "You told me earlier that Louis almost said 'I love you, but did you ever tell him that?"
"Me?" I asked confused and he nodded. "Not really," I admitted, "I'm afraid I'd scare him. He might walk away and that's not what I want."
"But you love him, don't you?" he asked me again.
"I... Yes. Yes, I love him," I blushed as I said those words.
"And how are you going to know when to tell him? How are you going to know when it's too soon and when it's too late?" I shrugged "Luck?". He laughed.
"But how come you worry so much about when Louis and I will say it?" I asked curiously.
"I don't know, it's just that since you're doing so well together, I wouldn't want you to fuck it up," he said laughing.
"Knowing myself, I'd be able to," I admitted. "What do you want to do while we wait for dinner time?" I asked him.
"Maybe it's best that I first take a shower and get myself together. Why don't you go to your Lou who I'm sure is waiting for you?" he said with a smile.
"Are you sure?" I asked him, worried. Now that the anger had passed I just saw a very frail Niall in need of help. "Yes, don't worry. Anyway, Calum should be back soon. He can't stay at Ashton's forever." He hugged me and assured me to go. But as I was about to do it he suddenly stopped me: "Haz, what about the shoes?"
I looked at my feet and rolled my eyes. I had almost forgotten the nice way Louis kicked me out of our room. "Ask my loving boyfriend," I said sarcastically. He didn't understand, but didn't investigate.
"Harry, can I ask you one very last favour?" he asked me.
"Sure, tell me," I invited him. I saw him bit his lip nervously, then came out with, "If you see Josh, can you tell him for me that the vanilla pudding is on the fire?"
"What?" I just couldn't understand the meaning of that sentence.
"You just tell him, okay?" he said nervously. Still doubtful, I agreed and with a last goodbye, I left the room. I made my way through the corridors, but after a while I felt someone grab me and send me against the wall. For a moment I was afraid, but then I recognized two blue eyes that were looking at me seriously.
"So? Have you made up? You've been with him for quite a while, so I hope you've made up for yourself" he asked seriously.
"I...Emmm...Yes, we made up" I told him trying to think, even if his closeness was making it impossible for me. "Perfect," he said, then took my hand and dragged me down the hall. I almost ran to keep up with him, but at one point, he seemed to find what he was looking for. He stopped, opened a door in the middle of the corridor and pushed me into the small space full of brooms and mops, then followed me and closed the door. He pushed me against the wall once more and started kissing me. I just separated from his lips for a moment and went close to his ear.
"I thought we were past the stage where we were two straight guys secretly kissing in closets," I whispered softly and even a little amused.
"Actually, I never said I just wanted to kiss you," he told me mischievously. Shortly after I found myself against the wall, neither of us was wearing pants anymore. My legs were wrapped around his waist, while his hands around my bottom squeezed me to support me and to accompany his thrusts. Half of the equipment resting on the shelves had fallen, and I was pretty sure the wall would soon follow them to the floor as well. I tried not to let myself go too loud trying to drown everything in the kisses I gave Louis, but it wasn't that simple.
**
We went well though, luckily no one had discovered us, I thought satisfied as I tried to put my pants back in that space narrowed down. However, as always, I had spoken too quickly, because as soon as we went out we found ourselves in front of a boy. But that day luck seemed to be on my side, because in the end that boy turned out to be just Josh. Sure, the situation was still embarrassing, but it could have been worse. He was looking at us with wide eyes.
"God, guys! But don't you have a room? And if you don't remember, I'll tell you, yes you do, it's room 258 and you're even lucky that there's only you two and no one else. You could easily fuck without being disturbed, why do you have to do it in the closets where the poor janitors go? And before you deny, Harry's pants are still undone, he told us in exasperation. I hurried to zip up, while Louis calmly replied: "That's more exciting."
"I don't want to know the details!" Josh quickly stopped him before Louis could continue. "In fact, right now I really want to get rid of the image of you two fucking in public places, so I really think I'll go to the bar and get a glass of cold milk." He was already leaving when something occurred to me.
"Ah Josh" I stopped him "Niall told me..."
"Have you talked to him? Harry I thought at least we were on the same side!" he scolded me, evidently disappointed at having lost his last ally.
"I'm sorry... Anyway he asked me to tell you that the vanilla pudding is on the fire or something like that," I said with a vague gesture. Josh froze in place, while Louis bellowed in a high-pitched voice, "What the hell does that mean?"
"What the fuck do I know!" I answered him. "Did he really say that?" Josh asked, unlike the two of us he didn't look at all confused "Did he really say the vanilla pudding is on the fire?"
"Yes, or something similar, I don't remember exactly. Why, what does it mean?" I asked him.
"I have to go talk to him," Josh proclaimed, immediately bolting down the corridor before we could realise it.
"Are you serious?" shouted Louis in the direction of the corridor where Josh went away "I've been trying to convince you to talk to him for a month and now you run to him for a pudding? But fuck I would've given you a pudding if that was what you wanted!". Obviously Josh had already gone too far and only echoes reached him from what Louis was yelling at him.
"Did you understand something about it?" he asked me then, returning to a normal tone of voice.
"Did you ever understand anything about those two?" I then retorted with this other question.
"Well" Louis agreed with me and more confused than ever, we went back to our room.
**
When I dropped by Niall's room that night to pick him up for dinner, Calum warned me that he'd already gone downstairs happy with Josh. I then went down to the cafeteria and saw the two of them smiling, laughing and joking with Liam. The latter, seeing me, signalled me to join them and so I did. A little later Louis joined us too. We had a merry evening, we laughed and joked, Niall ate everything and even had an encore, without anyone needing to force him. His cheeks were already starting to regain colour. We asked Niall and Josh several times what they had said to each other, since they suddenly seemed to be friends again, but the best answer we got was: "Vanilla puddings are magic". Nothing more.
But that dinner was so cheerful that Liam, Louis and I decided not to insist, so as not to spoil the atmosphere. But the atmosphere was ruined all the same, when I felt two eyes burn my back. I turned around to find Zayn a couple of tables away staring at us. Jealousy and longing clearly leaked from his eyes and I could see it even from that distance. I wasn't the only one to notice him though, soon the other boys followed my gaze and all five of us found ourselves looking at Zayn, who was looking at us in return. Probably feeling embarrassed, he decided to get up and leave, leaving the plate practically full and without even bothering to arrange the tray.
"Guys, I'm going to talk to him," Liam announced.
"It doesn't seem appropriate to me" I told him coldly and the other boys immediately gave me a hand.
"Well, for me it does." Liam could sometimes be really stubborn, in fact he didn't listen at all to our protests, he took his tray and later also Zayn's and put them back in their place, and then left the cafeteria in search of the latter.
**
Louis and I were in bed talking and trying to figure out why Liam was so adamant about wanting to talk to Zayn. "He told me he cares too much for him to let a simple mistake ruin their friendship" I said "But I'm not sure I agree. His wasn't a simple mistake, it was a real betrayal. And then why does he continue to follow him if he doesn't talk to him anyway?"
"I agree with you Haz, but he doesn't seem to feel the same way. He keeps chasing Zayn even though he already knows he won't listen to him, because he wants to make sure he knows there's still someone who loves him. And that no matter how much he tries to isolate himself, however this won't help, because he won't leave him alone anyway" he remained silent for a moment, then his eyes fixed on me. "Sometimes you did it with me too Haz. I tried to push you away as much as possible, but you always came back to me and when I realised that, when I realised that maybe you really cared, I gave in. And Zayn will give in too sooner or later and Liam knows this well" he explained to me and I finally understood.
"So you think it's right?" I asked him "Do you think it's okay for Liam to tell him how much he loves him? Don't you think that might push him away?"
"It's hard for me to say, because I'm angry with Zayn and honestly I've never tolerated him much, but if I had to look at the situation from an objective point of view, I'd say yes. Liam is right to tell him what he feels" those words of Louis made me think, because I was no longer thinking about Liam and Zayn, but about the two of us.
"Lou..." I called him.
"Yes Haz?" he answered me softly.
"I..." I tried to tell him "...no, nothing. Goodnight"
"Goodnight Harry," he replied.
Louis leaned forward and left me a soft kiss on the lips, then came closer and embraced me. He closed his eyes, while that 'I love you' that I hadn't had the courage to tell him burned ardently in my throat.