"Oh, no no no, not again," I heard Louis mutter as he blanched and backed away. I immediately worried, but not so much for Nick as for Louis who was obviously panicking. I walked over to him and put my arm around his shoulders as I whispered in his ear that everything was okay and everything would be fine.
I slowly got off the table taking him with me to remove him from the scene. Louis was in obvious shock, his eyes wide and empty. I pulled his head to my chest, to take him away from the sight of Nick's blood. He grabbed my shirt and as I stroked his hair I finally allowed myself to see how the situation was.
Luke and Andy, finally appearing to show human emotion, had approached Nick to see how he was. He was still and didn't seem to want to move, but when Andy shook him lightly calling him I saw him first move his head and then try to get up with his hands. The nose had obviously been broken by Louis's punch and the blood was all coming from there; he had hit his head when he fell off the table, which could have caused a head injury, but overall he seemed fine and I let out a sigh of relief at that moment. I didn't realise I was holding my breath until I started breathing again. I even cracked a small smile and kissed Louis' hair.
"Don't worry" I said in a low voice so that only he could hear me "Don't worry, Nick is fine, you didn't hurt him. It's all right." He just gripped my t-shirt tighter, but he didn't seem to want to move his head off my chest and check the veracity of my words himself.
Meanwhile, Nick seemed to be trying to refocus the room and when he did, his gaze immediately went to look for mine. He immediately narrowed his eyes and glared at me holding Louis.
"He didn't tell me he'd be here!" I wasn't very close, but I felt it anyway.
"Who are you referring to?" I asked him nervously, but he didn't answer me. He tried to get to his feet with the help of Andy and Luke, but as soon as they let go he started to stagger.
"Maybe it's best if you go get checked out," Michael told him and Nick agreed with him. Two boys offered to take him to the emergency room and he accepted immediately. There was a part of me that was worried about him and wanted to follow him up and make sure he was okay, but there was the other, much more substantial part of me that was even more worried about the boy who was in my arms and that he seemed to be much worse.
"Lou, can you drive?" I asked softly, but got no answer, so I took it as a no. And now what the fuck was I doing? Meanwhile I guided him all the way towards Gemma's car. I opened it and made him sit in the back seat following him shortly after and closing the car.
"Lou?" I asked him again, but he gave no sign of wanting to answer me, he seemed completely lost. I had only seen him once, those eyes that seemed dominated by ghosts and it was when I had followed him for the first time and found him in despair in the clearing where Daniel had died. It hadn't been a good experience, it had torn my heart apart and I didn't want to see him return to that dark abyss.
In panic, I looked for my cell phone and called Gemma. She answered on the fourth ring.
"Hi Harry?" I was immediately a little relieved.
"Hi Gem, where are you?"
"I'm at home with Rick." Rick was her boyfriend, apparently they were at our house enjoying a quiet evening and I was sorry to disturb them but right now I was too preoccupied to care.
"Listen, could you pick us up at Luke's house? Louis isn't feeling well and I don't think he's capable of driving and as you know I don't have a licence" I explained quickly as Louis continued to remain motionless staring into space. I heard her snort.
"Okay, how soon do we have to come?" she wondered.
"As soon as possible." And maybe she heard the note of panic in my voice because she replied that she would be right there.
"Louis, Gemma is coming now, so we can go home and you can lie down on the bed, okay?" Needless to say, he didn't get back to me, but I wasn't long amazed. I took his hand and intertwined it with mine and stood looking at him anxious while waiting for my sister to arrive.
Luckily it didn't take long and after about ten minutes I saw her get off Rick's red Mito. She walked over to her own car and motioned for me to open it. I tried to take the keys from my pocket with one hand, while the other did not let go of Louis's. Finally I opened her and she settled into the driver's seat and then looked back at us.
"Is everything ok? Louis, are you okay?" she asked slightly worried and I wanted to yell at her, because it was clear he wasn't well.
"Yes thanks, I just want to go home," Louis forced himself out, probably to keep up a good impression on my sister. I slowly stroked his cheek.
"You know Haz, I've never seen you so concerned and thoughtful with someone" said Gemma and I, simply tired, for a second let my eyes leave Louis's face to meet hers.
"Gemma please, let's just go home." She seemed to understand, because she pursed her lips as she turned to face the road and made a U-turn out of the parking lot.
The street wasn't very busy at that hour so we got home a little later, followed closely by Rick's car. I didn't even wait for my sister to turn off the engine, I swooped straight down dragging Louis with me. I struggled to open the door and in the blink of an eye we had already climbed all the stairs. I sat Louis down on my bed and locked the door before my sister could ask me any more questions.
"Lou?" I tried timidly. I was starting to worry seriously about him.
"Why do you do this?" Louis asked me so softly that for a second I thought I just imagined he had actually spoken.
"This what?" I, confused as I was, sat next to him.
"This," he said in a voice that sounded like it just came from beyond the tomb. "Stay with me, try to help me, talk to me."
"What are you talking about? Why shouldn't I?" I began to get agitated because as always Louis' reactions were unpredictable.
"You know perfectly well why Harry. I am a truly terrible person. I am a murderer, you should stay away from me." Within his voice I could feel all the contempt he had towards himself, but I shook my head, decided.
"Lou, we've talked about this before. You're not a monster and you're not a murderer. You didn't kill Daniel, it was a fucking boar and it's not your fault!" I tried to put a hand on his arm, but he immediately pushed it away.
"Yes, right. And what about today? How do you justify that? I almost killed Grimshaw." I couldn't believe he actually thought that.
"Don't be ridiculous, you just punched him. And then he fell off the table. Do you have any idea how many times he's fallen off tables or counters or chairs while drunk? Anyway, he's fine," I told him, convinced.
"How do you know? You don't know what they told him in the hospital,
Maybe he has internal bleeding that will kill him. Or a head trauma. And it will be only my fault." he cupped his head in his hands as he began to stare at the floor. I slowly took them from him and made him release his hold on his beautiful hair to squeeze them into mine.
"Do you know why I don't know what they told him in the hospital? Because I'm more worried about you than about him. I think what happened could do more psychological damage to you than physical damage to him. I really want you to understand that you are not like you see yourself, you're not a mean and cruel murderer, you're just a human who like everyone makes mistakes. You didn't want to kill Daniel or even Nick, it's just fate that enjoys playing cruelly with us, but if fate is cruel that doesn't mean we are too. It doesn't mean you are too" I concluded trying to explain myself as best I could.
"No Harry, it's not like you say. When I threw that punch at Nick... I really wanted to hurt him. Really hurt. And maybe yes, maybe for a second I even wished he would die." He began to chuckle, but that sad, mirthless laugh. Maybe it wasn't the best time, but I had to ask him that question.
"Why did you throw that punch at him?" I said it and he stopped laughing instantly.
"Because... You know, I don't want him to hurt you. I care about you," I thought I saw him blush, but I couldn't be sure.
"I think I understand that you care about me, what I don't understand is how." My tone was insecure, but my eyes were determined.
I wanted clear answers once and for all.
"What do you mean? I don't think I understand," he stammered. I cupped his cheeks in my hands and forced him to look me in the eyes.
"Don't kid me Lou, you got it right. You know I'm in love with you and I can't go on like this. You say we're friends, but let's be honest, we never were and we still don't act like ones. All of this It's not normal, okay? None of my friends would ever punch Nick while he was kissing me and told him to stay away from their boyfriend. And don't say it was part of the act, because nobody there knew about it except Luke, Andy and Michael and they couldn't have cared less. Nick didn't know about this either, so it wasn't for him either. So why Louis? Why? I can't move on if I keep staying in this unsaid abyss. I can't move on if I have this hope that you'll change your mind, if I have this perpetual doubt that you're not telling me the truth. If you really don't like me and you don't care that way please tell me once for all, I'll put my soul in peace. But then don't do anything that would lead me to believe otherwise. Don't play with me, because it will completely destroy me. But if you like me, even just a little... Don't keep lying to me, whatever the reason you're doing it, to protect yourself or to protect me. Don't suppress it, because the only result you'll get is to hurt both of you. Have you ever seriously thought about the two of us together? Have you ever thought about the positives as well as the negatives?"
As he remained silent, I slowly took my hands away from his face to place them on the bed, but his eyes still remained locked on mine. But I couldn't read them.
The silence was getting heavier and heavier and I was starting to get scared.
Maybe I misunderstood everything, maybe Louis really didn't care about me. Maybe it was true that he only wanted me as a friend. Then he moved his gaze to the blank wall in front of him and finally answered me.
"It's not that I don't like you Harry, it's that I can't afford it," he admitted and sounded as if he were confessing a terrible secret.
"Why?" I asked him, not quite understanding how I was supposed to feel. "Are you still in love with her?"
He incredibly shook his head. "No, I think I haven't been in love with her for months. Maybe I never really was. But she broke my heart and I can't let it happen again. It made me wary. I'm so scared of love to hurt myself before anyone else can."
I stood for a moment reflecting on what those sentences meant, but all I could think was how awful it was that someone had made Louis hate and fear such a wonderful thing as love.
"Who is she? What did she do to make you believe that?" I asked him, giving voice to my doubts.
"She is the daughter of my father's colleague, but I didn't know that. To me, she was just Emily, the sweetest and prettiest girl in school. We met in theatre class and immediately became friends. Very close, too close. We soon started dating and before long we got together. I'd had girlfriends before, but it was never like it was with her.
She was really perfect, we had the same tastes, we listened to the same music and we liked the same things. It was a dream to be with her, truly the perfect girl. I had introduced her to my family and they were thrilled, she got along perfectly with them too. We had been together for three years and I was really considering asking her to marry me, so much so that I had already gone to Tiffany's to look at some rings. But one day a friend of mine invited me to celebrate his birthday. I accepted and immediately invited Emily too but she told me she was busy with her family.
I was a little sad about it, but in the end I tried to have fun with my friends anyway. My friend offered everyone a drink in a bar, but after a while someone suggested going to a club to dance. We were all enthusiastic about it and we rushed there. At first everything was fine, but after a couple of hours I saw a scene that shocked me. Emily, my girlfriend, was there in the centre of the dance floor making out with a shirtless blond guy. They were really entwined, there was nothing to misunderstand, not that she ever denied. I immediately went to her and dragged her outside to ask for explanations. She told me she was fed up with me and this whole thing and that I might as well tell my dad that she was done. When I asked her for further explanation, she simply told me to ask my father. Then went back inside and continued indifferently making out with the earlier boy. I should have figured them out a few things already, because it was clearly not Emily's typical behaviour.
Josh drove me home and from there, actually from my room, I didn't leave for three whole days. I didn't eat, I didn't drink and I only got up to go to the bathroom, which was in my room anyway.
My parents didn't seem to notice anything, which is why one day my father came into my room and said to me: "You suck. Don't you have to see Emily? Go clean yourself up." I told him I wasn't going to see Emily and he was outraged and asked why. I told him that she had left me and I told him the words she had said to me. Immediately he started ranting at her and saying things like 'all the money I gave her was for nothing.' Immediately I asked him for an explanation of those words. Now Harry, you must know that my family is rich. Very rich. My father is an entrepreneur and owns a large appliance chain. My mother is a very beautiful woman and obviously she married my father for pure interest and my sisters are becoming opportunistic sluts like her, I had confirmation when I saw them at Christmas. The only person who never really cared about our wealth and wanted to look like a normal person in that family was me. Before Emily, I had dated a punk girl for a few months, the daughter of a supermarket clerk, and it didn't go down well with my father. That's how I learned that Emily was actually the daughter of a colleague of his. He had paid her to make me fall in love with her, who had scripted what I liked and her charm had done the rest. So my father wouldn't have to be ashamed of his son and could bring him to his silly dinner parties and in case of a wedding, he knew I wouldn't marry a homeless woman. It was just all a hype, she had never been interested in me. Needless to say, she had always cheated on me. Later I discovered that she was not quite the person she said she was, she was not a sweet girl, but a very sour girl who hated theatre and most of the things we did. I fell in love with one fiction and then reality had snatched me from that dream by showing me the real world, full of fake and opportunistic people. A corrupt world.
I wanted to get away from there, I wanted to get away from Emily and my family and after a long search I found that college. It was perfect, purely masculine and away from everything and everyone. Josh, my best friend at the time too, decided to sign up with me because he didn't think I could handle it all on my own. At first it was hard, but then I let go and for a couple of years everything was really good. At school I had no problems, I was popular, I could continue my theater course there too, I didn't have to worry about girls except the ones I fucked on weekends, until... Well I'd say you know the rest too . I will not hide from you that I suspect it is also because my father paid a large sum that I am not in prison."
I was speechless after his confession. I certainly didn't expect such a thing, I thought that simply a girl he was in love with had left him.
"That's why I like to be in control" he continues "That's why I don't trust people and that's why I can't risk falling in love again."
"But you're letting them win. You should fight for your happiness, don't lock everyone out for fear of suffering. Lou, don't leave me out" I pleaded as my eyes started to get watery.
"I'm not sure I'm capable of being happy. And in any case I'm not sure I want happiness. It scares me, I don't know it. Pain and suffering have become my friends, I've figured out how to bear them and how to survive them, while happiness is a totally unknown world to me and I don't know how to handle it" he admitted and I understood that for the first time there was no wall or barrier between us.
"It's certainly a different world, but it's a more beautiful world. And if you're afraid I can help you get to know it step by step." I took his hand and he stared at our crossing hands. Then his eyes fell on mine and it almost seemed like they were digging deep, to see if I was telling the truth.
"Are you happy Harry?"
"I am when I'm with you," I answered honestly.
"After everything I've done to you? You should just hate me" he told me, convinced.
"Maybe I should, but I just can't. Especially now that I understand everything you've done. I've never been able to really stay away from you, despite my brain giving me five hundred reasons."
"Me too," Louis interrupted, probably regretting it later, but continued anyway. "I mean, I also wanted to get away, I even tried to change rooms, but it didn't help. In the end, somehow, I always came back to you."
I smiled at those words and I understood that I hadn't been in that thing alone, but that Louis had yet to fully realise it.
"And you don't think that means something?" I asked him.
"I don't know, Harry," he sighed. "Maybe it means something, but I would do so that it didn't mean anything."
"You're looking at it from the wrong angle. Do you remember how you felt about Emily before you found out the truth? If you felt this way about a wrong love, think about how you might feel about the right love" I tried to enlighten him, but he kept being insecure.
"I don't remember how I felt before, I only remember how I felt afterwards. Usually the human mind tends to only remember the good things and suppress the bad things, maybe mine works the other way around. And then that, Haz, was just a fiction," he said dejectedly.
"Yes, but sometimes reality can be more beautiful than fiction" I whispered.
"How do you know?" he asked me.
"I just know it. And you would know it too if you just let go," I said resting my forehead on his.
"Why should I do this? If I let go I will fall and in falling I will break." A tear fell from his eye.
"Then I'll retrieve the pieces and glue them back together" I promised him, wiping away with the thumb that tears.
"How can I believe you?"
"You don't have to, but you can trust me. Do you trust me Louis?" He closed his eyes for a moment, but when he opened them again there was much more determination in them than before.
"Yes, I trust you Harry. You are the only person who brought hope back to my life, not even Josh could. I only ask you not to disappoint me." Those words struck me and joy spread throughout my heart. I was making it, I was breaking down his walls and I was sure that sooner or later Louis would fly again.
"I promise. I will always be here for you." I smiled at him, he immediately reciprocated and I was sure that at least one of those huge boulders that clipped his wings had just rolled away.
I didn't know if that was the right moment or if he wanted to, so when I narrowed my eyes and approached his lips, I did it very slowly, to give him the opportunity to move or to stop me in case he didn't want to, but his lips came meeting mine and they gave me the sweetest kiss.
Our lips joined perfectly and our tongues soon added to that exchange of affection, never escalating into anything less innocent.
It was a slow kiss and for the first time I was certain that there was also love surrounding everything. I knew that was the ingredient that I had always been missing in that perfect mix and I was sure I would never be able to do without it again.
When we parted I saw that his eyes were shining, his cheeks red, but what perhaps struck me most was his dazzling smile.
"Did you see?" I whispered to him "It's not that terrible after all. I don't want to ask you so much Lou, I just want to ask you to try to fall in love one more time."
He smiled at me and hugged me tightly. His lips reached my ear.
"Maybe I already have."