Saturday had finally arrived and I was on one of the buses organised by the school to go to the city. Those two days seemed endless to me and I had spent them completely alone.
I avoided Louis like the plague, I always tried not to be in the room with him and on the other hand he did the same. Not even talking about being with my now ex friends, Liam every now and then I still saw him trying to get closer, but as soon as I incinerated him with my gaze he returned to his place. The last fight we had with Zayn still burned me and I hated myself for it, because despite everything, I still didn't like the fact that someone touched Louis or insulted him, even if I was the first to do it. I had become really pathetic, if I spoke to him it was only to call him a fagot, I also continued to provoke him and I enjoyed seeing him in difficulty. I'd started getting into the habit of walking around the room naked and whenever that happened, he always tried to ignore it, but I knew he wasn't very good at it.
Like last night, when he pretended he wasn't looking at me, but at an economics book. As if that itself wasn't absurd enough, he also held it in reverse. I burst out laughing as his brow furrowed and his discomfort became more and more evident.
"Oh Loulou" I sighed "You are without heart and feelings, but you still can't keep your fag nature hidden, huh? At least do me the favour of going to masturbate in the bathroom, I would never want to sleep in a bed dirty with your junk "
Before I knew it he had punched me in the face, but I continued to laugh.
"It certainly wouldn't be the first time and I would like to remind you that you also swallowed my crap and it seems to me that you liked it a lot!" Then he left the room and did not return.
I don't know where he slept, probably at Josh's, but today I still hadn't seen him.
I felt cold that night, even though spring had already begun. That bed was too big for me alone. As if not being able to divide the beds wasn't pathetic enough, I swapped his pillow with mine, to smell his and feel like he was there with me. Pathetic, absolutely pathetic.
I felt so alone that even the prospect of Nick raping me seemed inviting. I wondered if that had been his plan, to make me so desperate that I jumped off a cliff. On top of that he had had my new number and now he kept sending me messages like:
"Remember that I will always be there for you, love! xxx"
Every time I received one I rolled my eyes and puke came up my throat. I suspected Stan had passed the number to him and mentally cursed myself for having given it to him when we were still in the room together.
Even now on the bus, Nick had tried to sit next to me, but I had preferred to deviate and put myself next to a fucking nerd who was reading a book. I sighed, at least I was sure I wouldn't be disturbed. I grabbed my iPod and put Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty on Reckless. After the initial soft jingle, immediately the rhythm of the guitar and drums overwhelmed me, then Taylor Momsen began to sing:
"Take me, I'm alive
I never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything looks better when the sun goes down"
It reminded me of the old me, the one before I met Louis, a stupid kid who pretended to be a bad boy and the girls at night obviously fell into my trap and after all, it wasn't so bad.
"I had everything, opportunities for eternity"
Yes, maybe I was empty, but I was fake happy, I didn't realise how much I was and it was better that way. I fucked and I was happy, a girl had even offered me to join her modelling company and who knows, maybe I would have accepted, if it hadn't been for Lory's pregnancy.
"And I could belong to the night"
Oh, yes I could! Yes, because night and clubs became my home.
"Eyes, your eyes"
Then your eyes arrived to complicate things, because after all I knew I could never forget them as soon as I saw them.
"I can see in your eyes"
You had revived me all over again, I hadn't started a new chapter, but a whole new story and I understood that I was able to love and I had deluded myself, yes I had deluded myself that I could also have been loved, then I had looked deep into your eyes and understood the truth.
"You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough"
And that was it, I knew I would never be enough for him.
"You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light"
The only thing he liked about me was when I made him enjoy the night. Once the day came he didn't care about me anymore, he could easily throw me away.
"And everytime I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die"
I could pretend all I wanted, but when I looked into his eyes, I understood the truth and it made me want to die.
"Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night"
I became his doll, I let him do what he wanted to me, indeed it was I myself who begged him to touch me, to taste me. With him I had experienced things I should never have experienced.
"Eyes, your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
Everything in your eyes, your eyes"
His stupid, beautiful blue eyes.
"You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light
And everytime I look inside your eyes
(I'm burning in the light)
You make me wanna die"
What had become of the carefree boy I was? When had I turned into one of the many victims of love? I had always thought of love as a stupid and senseless thing that only makes people weak and to tell the truth I wasn't even sure it really existed. Now I know why they say "Fall in love" because everything that falls breaks and now I did too.
"I would die for you, my love, my love"
Because while you hate me, I would die for you.
"I would lie for you, my love, my love"
Like I did with Zayn, defending you to death.
"And I steal for you, my love, my love"
As I had when I stole the key to the principal's office.
"I would die for you, my love"
I would die for you. Why don't you understand it?
Once the song was over, I turned off the iPod, not because we had arrived, but because that song had already made me depressed enough and I knew that every song in there would somehow bring back my thoughts about Louis and I didn't want to cry in front of it to the nerd.
I absolutely had to find a way to forget him.
Once we arrived, I headed with my bag to the usual Motel, I asked for a single room and the lady asked me if my boyfriend hadn't come too that time. I took a good look at her and recognized her as the same person who had given Louis and me the room a few weeks ago, evidently we had impressed her.
"No" I answered dryly, perhaps sensing something she kept silent and simply gave me the room keys. I dragged myself up the stairs and threw the bag badly on the bed. I had decided to come here because college was suffocating me, but now that I had arrived I didn't know what to do.
Not being able to stay there all day, I decided to go out for a walk. I went around a few shops and at noon I stood in a three-hour queue to get food at McDonald's which was obviously full of college kids at that hour. I was terrified of meeting someone, Niall had a real adoration for Mc and Liam always took him there and consequently Zayn went too, but for once luck seemed to be on my side. I was able to have lunch in peace and in the afternoon I continued my shopping session, realising that in the end it wasn't a bad idea, I had the same clothes since September, a change of wardrobe wouldn't have been bad. I was inevitably reminded of when Louis had told me to ask him for advice regarding clothing. I was sick of anything reminding me of him. I had dinner in the pension that the motel offered and in the evening I decided that I would go to The Sun and enjoy myself just like I had in the old days, not giving a damn about everyone, not giving a damn about him.
I drank, I drank a lot, I don't even know how much, I lost count very soon, I started dancing with several girls and repressing a slight disgust that I convinced myself I didn't have at all, I took a little blonde and started making out. My brain had completely screwed up, so I handed my camera phone to a friend of hers and asked if she could take a picture of us kissing. When the girl in question asked me why I answered her I wanted to remember the most beautiful girl I had ever met. Of course she got duped and started giggling happily. We took this photo and then I asked her to wait for me in the bathroom. She did as I asked and walked towards the place. I took my cell phone and looked at the photo for a moment, my fingers did the rest.
To: Louis <3
I'm perfectly fine without you!
I sent that message with the photo attached and when I raised my head I received a slap in the face. Why did I keep getting punched and slapped during that time?
"You're an idiot!" Hearing that voice I was amazed and I looked for its origin and trying to overcome the haze caused by the alcohol I managed to find a pair of blue eyes that frowned at me.
"Niall?"
I still didn't understand and the cocktails I drank certainly didn't help. What was Niall doing there? No, ok, maybe he had come to have fun, to drink, to fuck, I don't know, the real questions were different, why was he talking to me? And why had he slapped me?
"Yes Niall! Then you're not so drunk that you don't even remember my name!" I probably continued to look at him with an expression of an idiot so he sighed and took my wrist.
"No wait, she's waiting for me" I tried to rave meaninglessly.
"Who?" he asked, confused.
"The bitch" I replied "I have to go to her, because I'm fine, yes I am fine"
I received another slap, harder than the previous one and mumbled an "ouch" as I rubbed my cheek.
"Now come with me and shut up" I mumbled something and let him drag me out of the room.
Once outside, he looked at me with a sigh. "What were you doing?" he asked me.
"I was having fun, because I'm fine without him and I even told him," I stammered.
I saw Niall shake his head. "You weren't enjoying yourself at all, you're drunk as hell and besides you look like you're going to cry any moment. Is Louis the problem? What do you mean you told him? I didn't think he was there." I gripped my cell phone tighter.
"NO! Louis is not the problem! I'm fine, I'm fine you understand?" He took the phone out of my hands and looked at what I had done. He suddenly embraced me, I was a little shaken, but I hugged back. "Oh Harry, you're not fine at all," he whispered in my ear.
"Why do you think so?" I whimpered "I'm fine" I repeated maybe for the twentieth time that evening.
"Harry look" and showed me my cell phone "you kissed a girl, with photos and you only sent it to make him jealous"
"So what?"
"So what? Harry, look at the recipient's name" I didn't even look at the cell phone that he put under my eyes.
"I know who the recipient is, it's Louis!" I snapped, annoyed at his insistence.
"No, Haz, it's not Louis, it's Louis with a little heart. How can you tell me you're fine without him?" He shook his head and closed the message. I saw his eyes widen, "And WOW! You have a picture of you two as your wallpaper. How many things have I missed?" he asked me. I laughed.
"Many, really many" at that moment, I couldn't wait any longer, I had to ask him. "Niall, why are you talking to me?" He looked at me worried.
"Why don't you want me? Are you mad at me?" I shook my head with decision.
"No, I'm just worried, I wouldn't want Nick to see you here with me" he looked around a bit worried.
"Yes, but I couldn't let you do something you'd regret. Come on, come with me" He went back to the Motel which was the same as mine, since there was only one. He started to lead me to his room, but I stopped him by reminding him that Liam and Zayn might come back and I didn't feel like talking to Zayn. He grimaced, stating that at least I should talk to Zayn. I ignored him and dragged him to my room.
"I think I have to vomit" I said and ran to the bathroom where I also rejected the soul. Niall came up beside me and pulled my hair up to keep it from getting dirty.
"Look at how you reduced yourself Haz..." he whispered, stroking my hair. He got me up and helped me to the sink where I rinsed my mouth, then dragged me to my bed. It was there that I burst into tears in Niall's arms.
"Shhh Harry it's okay" he repeated stroking my back.
"No, nothing's right Niall! Louis is an asshole who doesn't give a damn about me and I want to hate him, I want it with all my heart. I want to hate him and forget him, but really everything I do reminds me of him. And I miss him, I shouldn't but I miss him every fucking second more and when i'm not with him i just do bullshit and when i'm with him, I do it triple" he sighed.
"You'll see that everything will work out" the blond tried to reassure me, but I didn't believe his words.
"No, it won't solve anything at all, because he's an asshole, a moron, a jerk, an idiot, a piece of shit, a bastard who hates me and I... I fucking love him!" It was the first time I'd admitted it to myself. And maybe it was the alcohol that was still circulating in my blood that put those words into my mouth or maybe it was my heart speaking and the alcohol had only dissolved that wall that had prevented it from speaking so far.
"Ok, maybe the situation is more serious than I thought and I've missed many steps" he moved away from me a little to look me in the eyes "How about you tell me everything?"
I smiled at him "where were you?" he smiled back at me.
"Mmm... let's see, when I told you to try to kiss him and run away" a laugh came spontaneously in me after all that crying.
"Oh God, you're quite a bit behind! So you really don't know anything!"
"Hey hey!" he replied evidently offended "I know a little something, I was getting the news from Josh"
"Oh God I'm speechless Niall!" I giggled again.
"Sorry if I wanted some news from my best friend" he crossed his arms putting an adorable pout. I loved that he still called me his best friend despite everything.
I couldn't resist and gave him a kiss on the cheek making him blush.
"Should I tell Louis?" he asked me laughing "Aside from the fact that after the photo you sent him I don't think he cares much about an innocent kiss on the cheek"
"Mmm, actually I don't know, he's always been jealous of you, maybe it would bother him more" I thought back to when he asked me to show him that I liked him more than Niall.
"Oh well so you want to tell me or not?" He changed the subject.
"I don't even know where to start, admitting we were attracted to each other, Gemma and my family, the hangout, the public kiss, Nick nearly killing me, Lou walking back into my room, Nick threatening Lou, the beds pushed together, the handjobs and the blowjobs..." At that point I saw Niall choke on his saliva and start coughing.
"Yes yes ok, I gladly avoid these details!" I laughed.
"Sure? Maybe you'll have fun" I asked jokingly.
"Yes, yes and how did you go from that to hating each other?" I suddenly became sad at those words.
"Nick made me understand that in the end he was only interested in that" I saw Niall throw his arms up in the air.
"And you let Nick dupe you like that? My God Harry I made you smarter, I feel like slapping you again!" I shook my head violently.
"When I asked him if that was the case, however, he didn't deny" I felt like crying again, but I was sick of looking like a sissy.
"Harry! It's Louis, I, that I don't know him, had also understood that he would never have the courage to admit what he feels and Josh confirmed it too. Think back to when you had a fight" I started laughing "Which of the lot?" He ignored me and continued the discussion." He was like hell. And even now he's sick and it's strange. Josh told me"
I furrowed my brows, "But you spend all your time talking to Josh?"
"Of course not!" the blond answered, I was about to ask him another question but we were interrupted by his phone ringing. I saw him light up "It's probably Josh!" he told me all cheerfully. I began to wonder if Louis and Liam weren't right when they said they had a strange relationship. He took his phone out of his pocket and disappointment did show on his face.
He pressed green and put the speakerphone on.
"Hello Liam"
"Where are you? You disappeared!"
"Don't worry Liam, I'm with Harry in his room"
"Oh really?" Liam's voice became evidently cheerful "Can Zayn and I come too?"
I shook my head to let him know that I absolutely didn't want to and he luckily got the message.
"Emmm... I actually think Harry doesn't feel like talking to Zayn yet, you know he's still a bit angry"
"Ummm... Yes, I understand. Oh well, say hi to him, then go back to the room and don't hang around" I saw Niall roll his eyes in amusement.
"Yes, mom, as you want, bye" Having said that he hung up without waiting for a real response from Liam, then he turned towards me smiling.
"So where were we?"
I vented and told Niall the whole story.
"You shouldn't have fallen in love with him, Harry"
"Yeah, that's what he said too," I replied, scratching my head.
"You should have listened to him, but I understand that the heart doesn't rule" I lowered my head guilty. Seeing me so discouraged, he patted me on the shoulder.
"Come on Haz, we'll find a solution" I nodded slowly, but I wasn't very convinced.
"I missed you," I told him instead.
"You too" he answered giving me a hug "But now I have to go Harry, it's already late, I don't want to worry Liam and then before I go back I wanted to stop by and say hello to Josh, these days he's always with Louis and I don't see him much" I really began to think those two were hiding something, but I tried not to think about it. I said goodbye to Niall, with another hug and a whisper of thanks.
I got under the covers and thought that maybe at least that night, I would go to sleep with a little smile and a pinch of happiness. I was already falling asleep when a message arrived.
From: Nick
I've seen you.
Of course I was wrong.