A month passed.
The relationship with Zayn had stabilised, to the point of returning as in the beginning, just the four of us. We went out, we laughed, we joked, but it was me who wasn't happy. Just glancing at Louis at lunch wasn't enough, but then what was I to do? He had been very clear, he didn't want me around and as much as this hurt me, if that was what he wanted I would have respected him.
Niall was upset by our fight, he didn't understand Louis' behaviour and was sad for me, but I think deep down was relieved to hear that I wasn't spending as much time with him.
Zayn was obviously over the moon, even though he had the common sense to not show it too much.
Liam was the most conflicted, on the one hand he was happy that Zayn and I were friends again, on the other hand he was seriously sorry that Louis and I had a fight. He had been glad that someone other than Josh was next to Louis; he had repeatedly told me that he would have liked to do it, but that he had always held back because of Zayn.
Sometimes I wonder what they would think if they knew about the kiss, actually, the kisses. Well of course Niall knew about the first, the least important, but he didn't know of the ones we exchanged in the evening either, nobody knew. If Zayn had known he would have certainly killed me first and then Louis, I don't know about how Liam would have reacted, it was one thing to be friends, but it was another to be... well something different not well defined and Niall... actually I don't even know why I didn't tell Niall, he would have accepted me for sure, maybe he would have even been happy for me, but I couldn't. I was convinced that what had happened was too personal, something that only concerned Louis and me.
My biggest question mark was Josh. I obviously hadn't said anything, but I didn't know if Louis had done the same, after all he was his best friend. So every time I found myself talking to him I felt embarrassed, kept wondering if he knew. Josh also tried to convince me that Louis regretted what he told me, but I didn't believe it. He had never tried to apologise to me, in fact to tell the truth he hadn't spoken to me at all, he continued to have that hostile and superior attitude towards me and the conclusion could only be one: he believed in every word he had said and he didn't regret it at all.
I did nothing to get close, but I missed him. I missed him so much. I missed his ice cold eyes that melted when he laughed, his beautiful smile that filled my heart with joy when I knew I was causing it, the way he got the little lines between his eyes when he concentrated...
Liam thought about interrupting my thoughts, who very delicately moved the chair aside from mine, almost making me spill all the coffee I was drinking.
"Hey, Liam, be careful!"
"You can't talk to that boy!"
"Who are you talking about?"
"Wait, let me take something strong first! Excuse me, can you bring me a decaffeinated tea?" I started giggling and he glared at me.
"What are you laughing at?"
"Come on Li! You can't tell me you want something strong and then have decaffeinated tea!" This time I just burst out laughing, still with him glaring at me.
"Yeah yeah, keep laughing. Glad to see you so cheerful after I break my back in vain for you!"
"What are you talking about Liam?"
"Louis, who else?" I nearly choked on the coffee I was drinking.
"What does Louis have to do with it now?!" Meanwhile Liam's tea had arrived and he seemed to calm down.
"Well who did you think I was talking about?"
"Wait Liam, stop for a moment I'm not understanding anything anymore! Start from the beginning!"
Calmly he took a sip of tea then began to speak.
"I couldn't bear to see you so sad and desperate anymore..."
"Hey, I'm not desperate!" He glanced at me and ordered me to shut up.
"So I went to talk to Josh..."
"WHAT DID YOU DO??? I thought it was just Niall plotting with Josh behind my back, now you get in too? Oh God, who knows what Josh thinks of me now!"
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK?" OK, this was not definitely Liam's behaviour. I had never seen Liam angry, but I didn't like it so I signalled him to continue.
"I went to talk to Josh and he told me that Louis isn't the same anymore either, but anyway it was since the Christmas break that he was weird, a little shaken and not sure what to do. So he advised me to go and talk to him directly and well I went. He first asked me what the fuck I wanted and why I was there, then he told me he doesn't give a damn about you." At that point he glanced at me to see my reaction, but I, pursing my lips, nodded, making him intend to continue.
"Then I asked him if there was something wrong, that even Josh saw him upset, he replied that he's fine and that I don't have to pry. I added that in any case if he needed to talk to someone, someone different perhaps, I was there and he unkindly sent me to hell before kicking me out."
"Mmm... yes, when he wants he can be very nice" I said ironically.
"Harry..." He looked at me with that apprehensive look that got on my nerves.
I didn't need his sympathy, I didn't need anyone's help, I knew how to handle it on my own. All I needed now was for him to leave me alone for a while.
"Liam, I'm fine, don't worry."
"Harry, he misses you." I smiled ironically.
"From your words it doesn't seem like it."
"It's not because of what his mouth said that I understand it, but because of what his eyes said. When I said your name they completely changed their appearance, they almost became watery!"
"Smoke less joints Li."
"Harry, I swear! He misses you and I think you should go to him to clarify what happened." Enough, at this point I just couldn't stand it anymore!
"You know NOTHING about what happened! I'm fine, Louis is just fine, what's the matter? It's my life, you need to stay out!"
Having said that, I threw some money on the table to pay for my coffee and walked out of the coffee shop.
A little later I was in my room lying on the bed, arms behind my head listening to the radio. Stan wasn't there, I didn't know where he was and I didn't even care.
I already regretted how I treated Liam, deep down he was just worried about me and tried to help me.
I heard knocking.
"It's open!" I shouted without getting out of bed.
"Hey, can I come in?" I saw Zayn's face pop out the door.
"Sure, come." I sat up on my bed and to my slight disappointment he sat next to me. He was the first to sit on that bed after Louis, perhaps because no one had ever entered that room, neither him, nor Niall, nor Liam and as far as I knew not even Josh.
"You know," he began, "the last time I tried to come in here Louis kicked me out!" he laughed.
I smiled too. "Yeah, I remember that." What Zayn didn't know though was that I was thinking about how sweet Louis had been to me that night, about how he had kicked Zayn out because he wanted to be with me, about that hug he had given me because I was scared of fireworks. I never found out if he was the one who recommended them to the principal, but right now all I could think about was how much I missed his hugs. I frowned and Zayn probably noticed.
"You know, Liam was really hurt."
"Yes, I know. I acted like shit towards him, I'll apologise later." Zayn remained silent, probably not expecting to convince me so easily.
"Harry, will you tell me what's wrong? And don't tell me it's nothing, because I don't believe it anyway."
"Zayn, what do you want me to tell you? You know it too, so I don't see why you ask. I don't understand why you care so much to hear me say that I miss you Louis, we know very well that's not your favourite subject."
"What I don't understand is why; when we two fight, you weren't so bad."
"Hey! Of course I felt bad! I don't know if you remember, but I've begged you to be friends again like a billion times!"
"Yes ok, but you weren't so bad. You laughed and joked anyway, now you look almost dead!"
'Because I'm not in love with you' I thought.
"I'm trying Zayn, really, but it's not that easy..."
At that moment I heard the radio, which I hadn't turned off yet, playing Britney Spears' Everytime.
Everytime I try to fly, I fall...
It is said that when you are in love with someone every song reminds you of that person, but this one in particular seemed to be talking about me, about how I felt without Louis. As I was saying to Zayn, I was trying really hard not to think about it, not to think about him, but I just couldn't. Each time I fell lower and lower.
Without my wings, I feel so small...
Well, he had become my means to fly, my wings and now that I didn't have him I no longer knew how to fly, I felt so small and insignificant. I was simply nothing without him.
I guess I need you, baby...
Well in the end it was like this, I just missed him, I needed him.
And everytime I see you in my dreams, I see your face...
Now there wasn't a night that I didn't dream about him. They weren't usually good dreams, he walked away from me, he turned his back on me, he went away, he told me he didn't want me, that I was just a poor deluded man. But sometimes God gave me a break and allowed me to dream of an embrace from him or, if it suited me, he made me relive that night. I felt his arms around me and his lips on mine.
It's haunting me...
Well that's true, it seemed to haunt me. It was everywhere, in the trees, in the clouds, his face was everywhere.
I guess I need you, baby...
Yes, I needed him, I really needed him.
"Harry, are you there? You're frozen!"
"I need him." I didn't realise I said it out loud
until I realised Zayn was looking at me weirdly.
"I seriously don't understand, Harry. He has treated you a thousand times worse than I have treated you and not only have you forgiven him, you are much worse off and you say you need him! Why?"
I stood in awkward silence, still staring at my involuntarily torturing hands.
Zayn sighed, "Look, I already know I'm going to regret telling you, but I can't stand seeing you like this. Why don't you go talk to him? At least to put your soul at rest."
"I... No it's out of discussion, he doesn't want to see me, he said so!"
"Maybe it won't help, but you can say you tried! Even though I've noticed that Tomlinson is weird lately, I think he misses you and..."
"No! Everyone stop saying that! It's not like that at all!"
"Everyone? Everyone who?"
"You, Liam, Niall pretty much every day, Josh..."
"And didn't you think that if there's so many of us telling you, maybe it can be true?"
"No, it can't..."
"Harry now shut up and go to him! Before I change my mind and punch you for doing it!" I looked at him doubtfully. "Come on, I'm kidding! Go! Run!"
I was still a little dubious, but I hugged Zayn, whispered a thank you and went to the door of Louis' room.
I took a deep breath before knocking.
Someone opened the door for me, but that someone wasn't Louis. His voice joined me shortly after behind me.
"Harry, what are you doing here? I told you I didn't want to see you anymore!"
Then suddenly he noticed the person who had opened the door.
"And who are you? What are you doing in my room?"
For once, I totally ignored Louis, still gaping at the person in front of me.
"Hi Harry! Happy to see me again?"