That afternoon I had decided to go out for a walk, since by now the walls of my house were oppressing me.
Snow fell and covered all the surrounding landscape. It's amazing how this white substance manages to hide all the dirt and sadness and makes the bleakest places so clean, it makes them look like angelic places. It's like a baptism from heaven that comes to purify everything and every person, to take away the sins of humanity. The candid white that chases away all the black caused by the smog, the man's mistake. It made everything so beautiful and yet the sin was there, well hidden in a better guise. As far as I knew most of the time it was like this, the most ruthless killers are always the least suspect. Who goes to suspect the angelic sister when the victim has a boyfriend biker? Maybe the biker who scares everyone actually has a sweet and sensitive soul.
Louis was like that boy, he showed himself tough and grumpy to keep everyone away from him, when instead it was just a mask to not show his fears and weaknesses.
Louis... who knows how he was.
It had been a week since Josh had called me and Nick had answered for me. I called him back the following day and after a bit of banal talk about how he was doing, he told me the real reason for the call, which was Louis. I kinda suspected it, since Nick mentioned it causing me to have a heart attack.
Josh was worried about him, he hadn't returned his calls and texts since he left. He told me that once he had even called his house and his mother had answered, who told him that yes, Louis was at home, and this had partly relieved him, but that he never left his room. This was unusual because normally to avoid his family Louis spent all his time outside the house, not inside it. Then Josh added that in any case he usually spent almost all of the holidays complaining on the phone with him, but now he didn't even answer his texts. He told me he suspected he was mad at him for neglecting him a bit to be with Niall and asked if I could talk to him then, since we had bonded a lot.
l, embarrassed, not knowing what to invent, I told him I didn't have his phone number, which was true. He had never given it to me and I had never had the courage to ask him. Not that it helped me much anyway, I always saw him and he was in my room.
My excuse didn't last long though, as Josh graciously offered to give it to me.
It had been a week and I still hadn't used it. I wasn't sure what to say to him, how to start a conversation, but today was December 24th, Christmas Eve or perhaps better to say Louis' birthday. What better excuse than to call him to wish him a happy birthday?
I sat on a bench with my cell phone in my hand, undecided about what to do. I kept staring at the screen then took a deep breath and pressed that 'call' under the contact "Louis <3"
Tuu... Tuu...
I waited holding my breath, after a long time I would hear his voice again!
Tuu... Tuu...
What if he slammed the phone in my face?
Tuu... Tuu...
He didn't answer. Why wasn't he answering? Maybe I should have expected it since after all he didn't reply to Josh either, which was his best friend.
Tuu... Tuu...
What a fool I had been! Of course he wasn't going to answer me!
Tuu... Tuu...
I was about to press the red button when someone answered.
"Hello?" I froze at the sound of that voice, his voice. How much did I miss it?
"Oh...Ehm...Yes, hi Lou, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday!"
"Sorry, who are you?"
"Oh yeah, what a fool." I was thankful he couldn't see me, since I was turning very red. It was already embarrassing enough that I was stumbling over those few sentences.
"I'm Harry."
The silence that came on the other end of the phone scared me. He certainly wasn't expecting a call from me and apparently didn't want it either.
"Well thanks for the call." I knew he was about to hang up and started to panic.
"Wait Lou!"
"What do you want?" His voice was obviously sour.
"Nothing, just knowing how you are."
"I'm fine, goodbye curly." This time I couldn't do anything to stop him from hanging up.
I stayed with the phone pressed to my ear as if hoping to hear his voice again, as if that gesture could somehow make me feel closer to him. When I finally realised he wasn't going to answer me anymore I felt my eyes water.
I felt like a complete idiot, I couldn't start crying there in the middle of the street! I tried to hold back the tears in vain, they seemed determined to flow down my cheeks. I stood up and started walking again aimlessly. I walked fast, briskly, trying in every way not to think. Only there was something wrong.
I don't know if it was the anxiety of being alone on a street, the fact is that I felt observed and it was quite disturbing. I veered as soon as possible onto a more crowded street, but the feeling would not go away, I felt eyes following me everywhere I went and I didn't. They didn't even leave for a second.
Frightened, I immediately went home, slamming the door perhaps a little too much strong. I leaned against it and stayed like that for a while, breathing a little hard. My mother, probably warned by the slamming of the door, came out of the kitchen and greeted me with a smile, happy that I had finally left my room.
"Hey honey, welcome back! How was your walk? Ah, Nick has called earlier, said he'd come by and say hello later."
"No!" I yelled. My mother's gaze became confused.
"But why honey, he's your best friend!"
"No, he's not my best friend! My best friend is Niall! And following him are Liam, Zayn and Josh! Nick is definitely at the bottom of my friends list!"
"Who are these here? You never told me about them. And what happened with Nick, did you have a fight by any chance?" I didn't answer because I wasn't quite sure what to say to her. I couldn't answer her 'No mom, we didn't fight, more than anything he tried to rape me.'
Not receiving an answer from me, my mother thought she was right, so she continued:
"I'm sure you can sort it out dear, in fact I'm quite sure he's coming here to apologise."
"I'm sure not, Mom."
"You don't know that, Harry."
"Mom" I said with teary eyes "When was the last time I asked you something? It's not a whim, mom, I'm asking from the heart, please, please, don't let him in."
I don't know if it was my words or the tears that were now flowing from my eyes, the fact is that my mother looked at me for a few seconds, then pursed her lips and nodded.
"Thank you," I said, hugging her.
She was stunned and took a while before reciprocating. She was probably amazed, I hadn't hugged her since I was 12, that sudden display of affection made her move and held me even more towards her.
However, shortly afterwards I left her and dragged myself towards my room. I did the only thing that made sense to me at the time: I turned on my computer and started stalking Louis' Twitter account. His last tweet was a few minutes after our call and I was sure he was referring to me.
@Louis Tomlinson: I hate him! And he needs to stop being so nice!
I tried to hold back a sob that rose in my throat.
Did he hate me? Had I even gotten to the point of making him hate me?
"What's up Harry, did you fight with your boyfriend?" I jumped at the sound of that voice. It couldn't happen again.
"What are you doing here Nick? I specifically told my mother not to let you in!"
"Indeed your mummy didn't let me in, she's following her handsome little son's bidding, only dear Anne perhaps shouldn't leave the living room windows open."
"Did you enter through the window?!"
"You haven't answered my question yet. Have you had a fight with your boyfriend? Louis, right?"
"Louis is not my boyfriend Nick, I already told you, I don't have a boyfriend" I replied gritting my teeth.
"Oh no? Then why were you crying after the phone call with him today?"
"And how do you know? Were you spying on me?" In that instant I was certain that the eyes I felt on me were his.
"Oh maybe that was why you were crying today," he continued, completely ignoring my intervention "Louis is your ex boyfriend!"
"Would you stop this, Nick? Louis isn't my boyfriend, never was and probably never will be!" Unfortunately for me, I added mentally.
"As you want splendour. I told you, it doesn't make any difference to me." He grabbed me by the wrists and slammed me against the wall, preventing me from moving. I hated this scene, it was too similar to the one a week before. Nick's lips flew forcefully on mine, while his tongue forced to have access to my mouth. In that instant I decided to act. I gave him a knee in the lower abdomen and as he took his hands off my wrists and doubled over in pain, I gave him a straight punch on the nose, probably breaking it.
I walked over to him who was still doubled over in pain and whispered to his ear.
"You know, dear Nick, the fact that I'm gay doesn't automatically make me a girl. There was a reason the geeks we used to beat up were more afraid of me than of you. Now get out of my house and don't ever come back if you don't want me to break you something else."
I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and threw him out of my room, hoping he'd fall down the stairs. Did he think he was the only one who could play tough? Well he was so wrong, I could act like a girl in love when it came to Louis, I could have real feelings when it came to my friends, but that didn't mean I couldn't act like a boy anymore. But people didn't seem to understand this. To them, if you're gay, you have to be one of those guys who wears pink shirts, dresses in the latest fashions and looks at people like, "Oh my God, honey! That scarf is FA-BO-LO-US! Too bad those shoes ruin your whole outfit!" Well I wasn't like that. I was just in love.
**
The remaining days passed quite calmly, Nick didn't make any more unwanted visits, but I still preferred not to leave the house. The one time I did it I felt watched all the time and sometimes this feeling followed me even at home which is why I had never been so happy to get into my stepfather's car to go back to school. I would see Louis again, Niall, Louis, Liam, Louis, Zayn, Louis, Josh, Louis, my classmate who clung to me and who I couldn't stand, but who was actually nice, Louis, the janitor from the third floor and uhmm... Did I mention Louis already? I still didn't know how I would deal with him, but at least I would see him again.
"So Harry! You have to go back to school huh?" I mumbled a meaningless answer to Robin.
"You know, I'm a little sorry that we forced you to stay in an all-boys school, but it wasn't good for you to have all those relationships believe me! At least now there is no such risk!"
At that instant we pulled up in front of the college I had missed so much.
"Ummm ehmm... yes, actually I'm gay. Bye, I love you!" I collected my bag and ran out, leaving my stepfather gaping with no time to say anything.
I ran up the stairs arriving in front of room 258, I opened it and inside there was a brown-haired boy with blue eyes who was unpacking a suitcase.
Only the guy in front of me didn't have eyes the right blue, he was lower and a little more massive. That boy was not my Louis.
"And who the fuck are you? What are you doing here?"
"Uh thanks for the kindness! I'm your new roommate. My name is Stanley Lucas, but you can call me Stan."