"Harry, come to eat, it's ready!"
"I'm not hungry, mum!" My mother sighed and closed the door and went back to the kitchen.
It had been since I returned the previous evening that I had been locked in my room listening to music. Every now and then my mum or even my stepfather would come and try to talk to me, but I did everything to deflect conversations.
They were convinced that this behaviour of mine was due to an aversion on my part towards them for forcing me to go to that college against my will, having given no thought that this confinement could be due to something else.
They never understood anything, they never had. Gemma had always been the perfect daughter, everything she said was sacrosanct, she was never wrong and was always right. She was perfect in everything, excellent grades in school, she didn't do drugs, she didn't smoke, she didn't drink except in toasts, she was educated and had a boyfriend of the kind parents like. My mother never missed an opportunity to tell me how perfect she was and to ask me why I couldn't be like her. Whatever I did was never enough. What did it matter if I'd gotten a B in school when she'd gotten A++? So in the end I stopped even trying, I decided to enjoy life, without worrying too much about school or that my parents had a good opinion of me. I became who I am now, for them I was just a lost cause. To try to straighten myself out they sent me to a strictly male college isolated from the world. I couldn't love and hate them more for that decision. Loving them... Well, for Louis and hating them... Well, for Louis.
That boy was putting me through Heaven and Hell. I couldn't figure out what he wanted or what he was thinking. When I kissed him that evening, I didn't quite know why I was doing it myself, perhaps it was the desperation of not being able to see him again for a while, fact is there was one thing I was sure, he would have rejected me and I would have had to come up with some silly excuse. Instead, against all my expectations he had reciprocated it and, indeed, it was he who kissed me again. I swear I've never been happier and all for just one kiss. Of course, it was the best kiss of my life and I had given kisses, but it was still just a kiss. And then the next morning poof! All my happiness and cheerfulness were gone with Louis. I tried to deceive myself that he had only gone to breakfast, but the fact that all his things were missing didn't allow me to feel calm. When I met Josh in the corridor, when asked if he knew where Louis was, he said he came by to say hello early in the morning, saying he'd be back in Doncaster a couple of days ahead of schedule. He added that it was quite strange and that he usually tried to spend as little time as possible there. When he asked me if I happened to know anything I stammered that I had no idea, before leaving as quickly as possible.
The little voice in my head kept telling me that maybe it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't because of that kiss he had gone away earlier, but deep down I didn't believe it either. Yeah, but fuck I couldn't even feel that guilty! It hadn't seemed to me that he'd been so disgusted with kissing me. And then I would have understood if he had told me it had all been a moment of weakness, that he was in shock and didn't understand what he was doing; I would have understood, really. So why was he gone? Maybe he was ashamed? Probably, also because I too was ashamed to death. Yet I could not regret what I had done and I was sure that one way or another I would force Louis to forgive me. By now it had become essential for me and I didn't care if I had to beg him on my knees or if he would force me to be his slave, the important thing was to be close to him. We lived in the same room after all, he couldn't have ignored me forever, could he? He almost certainly just needed a break to think. Yes, but think about what? About how crazy I was? On the meaning of my gesture? What if he asked me? Oh god, I had to find an excuse, because I don't think the 'You know, I'm head over heels for you' was a viable option. I had to ask Niall, inventiveness was his forte, too bad I couldn't. I hadn't told him anything about the...kissing thing. Maybe because I still didn't believe it myself. I involuntarily pressed a hand over my lips and smiled. I still couldn't believe it. Had I actually kissed him? I was a bit sorry to keep Niall in the dark, after all he had become a kind of best friend. I have never confided so much in anyone.
"Harry?" My mother came to the door.
"I already told you I'm not hungry, mom."
"What are you saying, Harry? It's been two hours since I called you for lunch!"
'What two hours already?"
"Anyway I wanted to tell you that your best friend is downstairs, he came by to say hello."
"And what is Niall doing here?" I was quite surprised. Okay, when I spoke to him on the phone the previous day he said he missed me so much, but I didn't think he would come to visit me here in Holmes Chapel! Also because in the end it had only been two days since I last saw him.
"Niall? And who is Niall? I meant Nick! Nick Grimshaw, remember? You were inseparable!"
"Ah, yes of course Nick! Get him up!" Of course considering the relationship I had with Niall at the time it was hard to believe that I had always considered Nick my best friend. We didn't share anything but alcohol, women and sometimes drugs. Come to think of it, I knew nothing about Nick yet I had spent half my life with him laughing and joking. Yes, only that though.
"Hey Hazza! Haven't seen you around in a while!" After all, a spontaneous smile couldn't help but pop up on my lips.
"Hey Bro! You know how it is, they imprisoned me!" We embraced, obviously not a real hug, but one of those that men give each other, fast, actually formed more by pats on the back than anything else.
"Oh right! How is it in prison? Terrible I guess!"
"Well..."
"People are all going to be unbearable! Little nerd daddy's sons. You don't know how sorry I am for you." Without even asking my permission, he lay down on my bed. He had always done it, it was a normal gesture, yet at that moment it caused me a sort of annoyance.
"Well, actually they're not that bad... Just get to know them a little," I tried, in defence of my friends.
"Oh Harry! Don't tell me you're turning into a wimp like them! I don't know if I could stand it!" He teased me and I immediately felt hurt in my pride.
"What the fuck are you talking about! You know I could never! It just disgusts me to think so!" An amused grin appeared in his mouth.
"I was hoping for a response like that. So are we going to the Land tonight? Me, you, Andy, usual group. We'll get drunk and fuck as much as we did in the old days, are you in?"
"And you ask me? Of course I'm in!"
"Great! You know, you've been missed here. ATTENTION WORLD, SHAKE! STYLES IS BACK!"
**
In the evening I was preparing for the famous evening. I couldn't wait to get out. Nick was right about everything, I was getting soft. Who was I becoming? Someone who told secrets to his best friend, who cried on his shoulder, who was depressed all day, for a boy even! That wasn't me. The real Harry Styles would have gone crazy that night, coming home at dawn or not coming at all, thus driving my mother to despair.
I took one last look in the mirror, adjusting my shirt and my hair. I was perfect as always, no one could resist me. I grabbed my black leather jacket and, without warning anyone, left the house. Just around the corner from my house Nick was waiting for me, leaning against his car smoking a cigarette.
"Styles! Get in the car, the others are already waiting for us there." After 10 minutes we were in front of the Land, the most famous nightclub in Holmes Chapel, our friends waiting for us in front of the entrance.
"Hey Hazza! Then you're not dead like they said!" An arrogant smile crossed my lips.
"As you see I'm still alive, ready to give you the usual beating."
"Uh I see we're confident, Styles!"
"Should I not?"
"We'll talk about it inside!"
Once at the counter, while I was downing the second Long Island, they gave me the first challenge.
"So Styles, see the super sexy brunette sitting back there? Reject all the guys, if you can get her to kiss you, you win." I eyed her for a second before putting my confident smile back on.
"Too simple, two minutes and she's mine!" I could feel the other guys' eyes on me as I walked over to the girl in question and spoke the usual pick-up lines to her. After three minutes we were in the middle of the dance floor, my hands on her hips as she explored my mouth. He made me intend to go to another place to go further. But I politely declined and went back to my friends.
"Wow, I'm impressed, I see you've stayed fit.""
"Did you doubt it?"
"Shit Harry, but she's fit! Why didn't you fuck her in the bathroom?"
I took another look at the girl who had gone to talk to her friend and I grimaced.
"She wasn't sexy enough."
"Wasn't that sexy enough? I hope you're joking! She must have had a full fourth of breasts! What the fuck more do you want?"
I asked the bartender for a Sex on the beach and drank it in one gulp.
"Listen, that will have gone well for mediocre people like you, but I try better."
I had a couple more drinks, then hit the floor to dance. I immediately attracted the attention of many girls present in the room, there were those who fearfully looked at me from a distance, those who tried to approach me timidly, while the most impudent ones began to rub against me leaving me kisses on my neck and above the shirt from time to time. With my eyes closed, I was enjoying the pleasure given to me by girls, music and alcohol. Suddenly a particularly reckless girl literally stuck her tongue in my mouth, I opened my eyes in surprise and saw this little blonde clinging more and more to me. Further on, I was struck by a pretty brunette girl who probably wished she was in the blondie's place. The sight of her very blue, sad and disappointed eyes was suddenly unbearable. I felt suffocated. I immediately unglued the blonde from my lips without caring that she was hurt and almost running I made my way through the crowd and left the disco. I sat down on a bench trying to catch my breath and clear my head. I was shivering and I was sure it wasn't from the cold. Those eyes didn't want to leave my head, but now framing them was no longer the face of the girl from before, but Louis'. The brunette's eyes had reminded me of him too much and now he was there looking at me melancholy and slightly angry. If I hadn't been afraid of looking crazy I would have started yelling at her in the middle of the street to stop looking at me that way, that I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just having fun. But I realised I was lying to myself too, because I was just pretending to enjoy myself, trying to be what I used to be, but really I wasn't anymore.
I had tried all evening not to think about Louis by concentrating on the attention of the girls who actually gave me more annoyance than pleasure, but only ending up feeling guilty. We weren't even together!
By now he had ingrained himself too deeply under my skin and the very thought of kissing anyone, man or woman, other than him completely repelled me. I heard footsteps approaching and raising my head slightly. I saw Nick, Andy and a couple more of my friends approaching the bench I was sitting on.
"Hey Hazza, what's wrong with you? You got out of the club faster than a bear with an ass on fire!"
"Sorry, I needed to get some fresh air."
"And right now you had to do it? You had about twenty girls ready to assault you and I assure you that they were almost all perfectly fuckable."
"I don't feel very well." And I wasn't actually lying.
"God Harry, first you refuse a beautiful chick because she's not up to you, then also all the other girls in the club, aren't you turning gay?" Everyone laughed at Nick's joke except me, who just lowered my head. For once I felt like all those kids I'd hit. What was wrong with being gay? I was no different from them, only now I liked boys. In fact I liked The Boy, I liked Louis. At that moment I realised that I would lose all my friends because they would never be able to accept me.
No, not all. Niall accepted me for who I was, despite all my complaining and freaking out he continued to stand by me. I was pretty sure that Liam and Josh would have accepted me too, who knows maybe Zayn too, obviously if the interested boy hadn't been Louis. Nick noticed that I wasn't participating in the collective laughter.
"What's wrong Styles, are you really gay?"
"And even if I were?" Silence fell around me, obviously they hadn't expected such an answer.
"You're joking, right?" Andy asked me with a shocked face.
I got up from the bench in complete tranquillity, cleaned my jeans with a couple of dry strokes of my hands and at that point I looked him straight in the eyes before answering.
"No." Having said that, I turned around and headed home by foot. I don't quite know what prompted me to say those words so calmly and carelessly. It was probably just the thought of Niall and my college friends accepting me as I was, maybe it was just the desire to get rid of those "friends" who didn't care about me, who in the four months I'd been away didn't even text me once. Who knows, maybe I would have been teased and judged, but at least I finally was free.
**
That day I had decided to go for a walk in the park just so as not to be locked up at home all the time. I was just putting on my jacket when I heard the door open. I expected to see my mother enter, but instead I found Nick in front of me.
"What are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to see me anymore." He approached me laughing, he had something strange about him, he wasn't the usual Nick.
"Well you didn't even give us time to respond." Seeing that he had no intention of continuing the sentence, I raised a questioning brow.
"So?" He approached me again and instinctively I took a step back.
He suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders, pulled me to him and kissed me. I pushed him away with my hands immediately.
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
"You know Harry, I always wanted to wreck your nice ass but knowing how straight you were I always held back, but well your announcement yesterday changes everything." Having said that, he placed a hand on the fly of my trousers, immediately after he tried to undo the button, I abruptly removed his hand from there.
"What the fuck are you thinking?!" He kept looking at me and laughing.
"Yours, right? Come on, Styles, don't pretend you don't like it."
"No! I don't like it at all and if you even try again..." At that moment my phone started ringing on the desk, Nick, who was closer than me grabbed it and answered, ignoring my attempts to pick it up from him.
"Hello?" He was silent for a while listening to what the other interlocutor had to say to him, while with one hand he tried to keep me as far away as possible from my phone.
"I'm sorry, Harry's a bit...busy at the moment, I'd say. Bye." Said this ended the call abruptly.
"Are you crazy? Who was on the phone?"
"Louis is your boyfriend?" I blanched suddenly.
"W-was L-Louis at the p-p-phone?"
"No, it was a certain Josh. He wanted to know if you had heard from Louis, since you were very close lately..." He gave me a smile that implied everything.
"Louis is not my boyfriend."
"Oh, but that doesn't matter dear Harry! He might as well be the president of the United States, that doesn't change my intentions! Now I have to go, see you!" Against my will, he gave me a kiss, then walked away laughing scarily.
I sat up in bed trying to figure out what had happened in that room in a few minutes. How was it possible that my best friend, perhaps better to call him ex best friend, had become my biggest nightmare?
I took the cell phone that Nick had thrown nearby and with a trembling hand dialled the number. The person on the other end of the phone answered almost immediately.
"Hello?"
"Niall, it's all a mess."