"Niall, can I talk to you?"
"Um... ok!" He nodded to his classmates and walked to me.
"Do you want to hang out together one of these days?"
"Sure, but don't we already usually do that?" he asked, puzzled by my question. At the very least now he thought I had a crush on him too!
The next question I asked him with my eyes fixed on my hands, which couldn't stay still.
"And is it okay if Josh and Louis come too?" I saw him blanch and for a moment I feared he was about to pass out.
"WHAT? NO! Whatever's on your mind, forget it!"
"Please, Nialler! I told him you wanted to meet them!"
"What's gotten into your head? I have no desire to meet them! I said I would try to accept your friendship with Louis, not that I want to become his new best friend!"
"But it's a matter of a few minutes! Then with some excuse you walk away with Josh and leave me alone with Louis."
"Even worse! I don't even know this Josh."
"He's nice," I ventured.
"I don't give a damn if he's nice! Can't you ask Liam? He would love to!"
"Yes, but Liam is too intrusive, he would ask a lot of personal questions and embarrass me! And then how do you think I explain to Liam that I want to be alone with Louis?" I saw him waver a bit so I took the opportunity to insist and try to make him collapse.
"Come on, who do you think I should bring? Zayn? So they end up in a fight? You're the only one I trust, Ni! I'll do whatever you want." I gave him the big puppy eyes in hopes of persuading him.
"I already know that I will regret it bitterly, but... fine." I practically jumped on him.
"Thank you thank you thank you! I adore you!" He started giggling.
"Ok, ok I adore you too, but now let me breathe!" I loosened my crushing grip in which I had imprisoned him, but without letting him go completely.
"So, when is the big day?" he asked, rolling his eyes.
"I don't know! I'll go ask Lou!" I said beaming, pulling away from him and already taking the first steps towards the stairs.
"Yeah, like that's why you go to LOU." He emphasised the 'Lou' with a teasing tone, I in response turned around and stuck my tongue out at him, only to then burst out laughing as I already started climbing the stairs.
I couldn't blame him. Deep down it was true, every single fibre of my body recalled the presence of Louis. I had seen him a short while ago yet I already missed him, I wanted to see him. Ever since I'd admitted to myself that maybe I had feelings for him, I couldn't stop thinking about it, his name echoing in my head.
Louis Louis Louis Louis Louis Louis
By now it was a kind of background in my head, the most beautiful music I had ever heard, apart from his voice of course!
I went into the room and found Louis sitting on the couch reading a book, probably from school. Strange, it was the first time I'd seen him study, he studied even less than me. And I didn't study at all. When I came in he turned to me.
"Sorry I didn't mean to disturb you, go ahead." Having said that, he turned away and went back to reading his book.
I, not sure what to do, grabbed my laptop and started screwing around on Twitter. After checking the interactions and scrolling through the timeline, I almost unknowingly ended up on Louis's profile. I glanced at him sideways just to make sure he was still reading his book. Catching me fooling him on Twitter wasn't going to be the best.
I smiled involuntarily looking at him. All concentrated on his book, with small wrinkles that rippled between his eyes was, if possible, even more beautiful. I reluctantly looked back at the computer and just when I'd found a tweet that annoyed me a little, 'I hate his stupid perfect curls!!'I heard him yell.
"How much bullshit!" I turned in time to see him throw the book with all his strength against the wall. I rolled my eyes in disbelief.
"What the fuck? Are you completely crazy?"
"That book only said useless and nonsensical things!" he said by way of justification.
"Yes, but that doesn't allow you to break through the wall!"
"Listen Harry, I do what I want. If I feel like throwing a book against the wall I do it, if I feel like going out in my underwear I do it, if I feel like throwing someone down the stairs I do it, without thinking too much about it I do it! And you should follow my lead!" 'What if I want to kiss you Lou? Should I? No, because I think about the consequences and I know you'll never talk to me again and I just can't stand it.'
"OK but..."
"If you keep talking, the next book will come to you!" I threw up my hands in surrender and shut up. After a while I gathered courage and asked him if there was something wrong. "You look nervous." He glared at me. Okay, there was definitely something wrong.
"What are you doing here instead?"
"Until proven otherwise, this is still my room."
"Oh yes... And you mean to stay there and play on the computer? It's rude, speak up with me, right?" What had gotten into him that day? Was he crazy? Even if it wasn't really any weirder than other days.
"Okay, what do you want to talk about?" I closed the computer without bothering to shut it down properly and went to sit on the sofa next to him.
"Dunno, something of little importance."
"Mmm... let's see... Ah yes, Niall wants to know what day we go out." I hurt myself with those words because it was like admitting that it meant nothing to him, while it was special to me, I don't even know why. Maybe it was because I would finally introduce Louis to a friend, which would make my non-existent relationship with him, since we weren't even friends, a little more real, a little more true.
"Oh yeah, about that story... What's behind it?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what's behind it. I can't believe it one bit that the blond boy is dying to make friends with me, that guy is terrified of me." He said it with a grin that almost seemed pleased. I felt fucked up.
"Yes, but I often talk to him about you and he decided he wanted to try to talk to you, then we decided it was better to invite Josh too because if it were just the three of us it would be embarrassing."
"And so... Do you often talk to him about me?" He gave me a mischievous look and I, for a change, turned redder than a tomato.
"N-no, that is in the sense that... COME ON, WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I meant that he knew that I had disappeared in the city for a few days with you and he asked me some questions!"
"Mh."
"Mh? What the hell answer is 'mh'?"
"I don't know, but when I said it, it seemed like a sensate answer." There we watched and then we both burst out laughing and it was several minutes before we could stop.
"So?" I finally asked.
"I still don't believe you, but it's okay... tomorrow?"
"T-Tomorrow?" I was hoping for a little more time to prepare Niall psychologically.
"Why, is there any problem?"
"No, no it's that I promised Liam that I would go to eat trout with him, but I can postpone." 'What? That's the worst excuse I've ever come up with! How did it come to me?'
"Trout?" I nodded unconvinced.
"Yeah, you know, he has his knowledge in the kitchen..." 'WHAT? WHAT AM I SAYING? WHAT AM I FUCKING SAYING?'
"And you were supposed to eat it in the afternoon?"
"Yeah..." He raised a questioning eyebrow, I gave him a toothy smile in response.
He probably decided to leave it alone because he said to me: "Then it's fine tomorrow at half past three in front of the main exit?"
"Ok perfect!" He gave me a smile that made my heart melt.
**
The next day Niall and I were at the prearranged location waiting for Louis and Josh to arrive. He was very nervous, he jumped at the slightest touch, but I was no different. For some reason I was terrified. It wasn't even a real date with Lou, but showing myself in public was already something that made me really nervous. Yes, now I spoke to him much more often but it almost always happened in our room. Plus I was also a little scared of Niall's judgement. I hadn't told him, but I really wanted him to change his mind about Louis.
"Niall I'd like to ask you a question, but I'm afraid of the answer."
"Go ahead, mate!"
"Why do you have that thing?" I really couldn't figure out why he was carrying a huge backpack on his shoulders. We weren't leaving on a journey of no return!
"If not, where did I put the food?"
"The food? Look, we only have to stay out for a few hours!"
"Yes, but at least if I get hungry I don't have to look for it." He said it so naturally that it almost made it seem sensible. Almost.
"Can you explain to me how you are so skinny with everything you eat?" He shrugged.
"Iron metabolism?" We both burst out laughing.
"Hey, what's so funny?" I turned around and saw a smiling Josh and behind him a beautiful Louis. My heart skipped a beat at that sight. Behind me I heard Niall swallow hard.
"Hey! No big deal, bullshit!" I turned to my friend and motioned for him to come a little closer. "Niall, this is Josh and Louis. Josh, Louis, this is Niall." Niall shook Josh's hand a little shyly whispering a 'Pleased', but when it was the turn to shake Louis's I saw that his hand was shaking very hard and if I could notice it even being so far away, I could only imagine Louis.
"Oh, nice to meet you Niall, Harry has told me so much about you!" Louis told him with a smile that, seen from an outsider, would have seemed perfectly normal, but I, having gotten to know him a little, understood that he didn't bode well.
Niall meanwhile was turning to me looking like 'What the fuck did you tell him about me?!'
Josh, who had also probably noticed the strange smile of Louis, tried to ease the tension.
"So should we go?"
"Yes sure, but where?"
"We could go for a walk near the lake! Then when we're tired we can stop in the meadows nearby."
"Sounds perfect to me! We might as well eat, Niall has brought reserves for 50 people anyway!"
"Hey!" my friend intervened offended "Nutrition is important!" I laughed.
"Yes, whatever floats your boat Ni!"
The first part was awkward, nobody talked much, but after a while we all let go and it was pretty funny. Even Louis behaved normally and by 'normally' I mean not crabby: he laughed, made jokes, joked, which surprised me a lot. Niall also seemed less terrified by this version of Louis and that could only make me happy. After a while we sat down and ate some of the things Niall had brought. The latter seemed to get along particularly well with Josh, so much so that he almost ignored me. At one point they went off to do I don't know what and, with a delayed effect, I realised that I was left alone with Louis. He was still watching Niall and Josh walk away when he spoke.
"You know, your friend gets on my nerves."
"How come?"
"He's too loud and then..."
"And then?" he seemed to fight a bit with himself before answering me.
"And then he reminds me too much of me. The old me, I mean." He had hesitated to say these few words. His face changed into a mask of seriousness and sadness. I hated to see him like this, I would have done anything to see him smile.
"I would've liked to meet him." He sighed and did something I never expected. Seated as he was, he lay down leaning his head on my crossed legs. My heartbeat quickened considerably and I just hoped he didn't hear it.
"You would have liked him, he was much nicer, easy-going, a buffoon. That's how people are liked, isn't it? The more immature and brainless they are, the more they are loved. I had tons of friends, I knew half of the school personally and those I didn't know would have done anything to be my friend. Anything..." He paused and was silent and I realised his thoughts were turning to Daniel. "Now where is everyone?" he continued "People are fake, remember that Harry. They just pretend not to care about you, actually as soon as they can they leave you and you're left alone." My fingers had involuntarily started playing with his hair, but strangely he didn't say anything.
"You're not alone, Lou. You've got Josh and...you've got me." I looked away from his hair to focus on his eyes, which meanwhile had focused on my face. Was it possible they were even bluer than usual? We stared at each other for a while, almost as if we wanted to dig into each other's souls to find the answer to a question we didn't know. But that's often the case, only once we find the answer do we realise that we've been looking for it all our lives.
"No Harry, you'll leave just like everyone else did and so will Josh, when he's tired of babysitting me, trying to cure poor hopeless people and he's realised that it's better to start living, making friends with fewer problems and I won't do anything to stop you because I don't want to be my friend either and you deserve to live a life away from me and my twisted problems, a life surrounded by people who can truly love you. A carefree life. Maybe old Louis could have given it to you, but not this one."
"Louis, when I said I wish I could get to know the old you, I said it because I'd like to see you smile more often, but otherwise I wouldn't change a thing about you. You're perfect like this with your imperfections and because of that you're so much more real . And that's what I'm looking for: someone real, not another baby who wipes out any residual personality to fit the crowd. You're not like the others and that's why you're special." I saw him smile: one of those real smiles, a little shy, but without any double purpose behind it and knowing that I was the cause filled my heart with joy.
"If I didn't have the certainty that you would run away, I would kiss you." He laughed, followed closely by me, although deep down I hoped he meant it about kissing me.
"Do you often kiss guys?" I asked before rushing to add, "Not that I'd mind if you were gay!" 'Please please tell me you're gay, please! God how I reduced myself, before entering this school, before I met him, with my friends I often made fun of someone or hit them even just because they were gay and now look at me, here dying after a boy who will never like me.'
"No, of course not, I'm not gay!" he answered laughing hard "As for kissing guys often, it happened to me four times."
"Oh yes?"
"Yes, but only once sober."
"Wow, I feel honoured then!" I chuckled.
"Even if that can't really be called a kiss."
"No?" I leaned in until I was inches away from his face, which was still resting against my legs. "And what would a real kiss look like for you?"
He put his hands on my neck and whispered "Do you really want to know?"
I didn't have time to answer when I heard Niall's voice calling us at the top of his lungs.
"Boys!!!!" I sat up abruptly and so did Louis, who sat back up. At that moment I hated Niall with all my heart.
"Look what Josh and I found!" I really didn't give a damn what he and Josh had found, but that didn't stop Niall from holding out his hands with a smile filling his entire face.
"What's that?" I forced myself to ask.
"Mushrooms! Isn't that amazing?"
"Well, considering that we are in autumn and that near the lake there is a lot of humidity I would say no, it's quite believable" Louis interjected in a bored voice.
"Come on, Tommo, don't be a spoilsport! In the meantime, we've done something constructive, we haven't stayed here all the time to sleep!" Josh intervened, putting an arm around Niall's shoulders. Louis rolled his eyes.
"By the way, shall we rather go back, it's starting to get cold?"
We got up and after a while we went back inside the college.
"Okay guys, I have to go! Niall see you then, Harry!" Said this, Josh walked away.
"I better go too! Harry, we'll talk later!" Niall too walked away and only me and Louis were left.
"Those two seem to get along really well," I ventured.
"Yeah."
"Why don't you punch him and tell him to stay away from your friend?" he turned to me smiling.
"I didn't say I won't." But I knew from his look that he wouldn't. I think deep down he liked Niall.
That night, in my room, I received a text from Niall.
-You were right, he's nice!-
-Who, Louis?-
-No! Josh :) Yes, Louis isn't as bad as I expected anyway, looked like a different person today....-
-Yup! I'm glad you said that! So you are no longer terrified of him?-
-U joking? In your opinion why did I leave as soon as possible with Josh?-
-I thought it was to leave me alone with him as I asked!-
-Yes... for that too. By the way, what did you do?-
-Nothing....-
-Why don't I believe you?-
-...-
-Harry!-
-Ok, maybe he was going to kiss me again, but I'm not sure-
- WHAAAAAT????? Tell me everything!-
-Maybe tomorrow, now I'm very tired, good night Niall-
-Ok, whatever you want, night Harry xxx-
I didn't feel like telling Niall what had happened, perhaps because nothing had happened. What if I was wrong? Maybe he wasn't going to kiss me at all, maybe he wanted to... I don't know! But after all, when did I ever understand his intentions? And usually when I thought I understood them I was wrong, so it's useless to try too hard! Then I tried to sleep.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep all night.