The early afternoon light peaking through the curtains did nothing to wake Meilani from her disturbing dream. She walked through the Nara clan's forest, during a hot summer's day. She heard the sound of kunai clanging and pained cries, and she ran towards the noise. When she got there, she gasped in horror; the dead bodies of Sakura, Lee, Hinata, Shikamaru and even her father were spread through a clearing. All of them with broken limbs and blood coming out of their mouths or eyes. As for the fighting, Naruto was held above the ground by the throat, gaping for air and clawing at Itachi's steady hand.
"Itachi!" she cried out. Slowly, he turned his head to look at her.
"Not only did you swear to keep my secret, but you so desperately kept your promise to forget about me,"
Mei's chest heaved rapidly as her brother's lips turn blue.
"I thought it would've taken you years, not months to replace me."
"Itachi, stop!"
"Meilani! Naruto!"
Itachi glanced at an approaching Kakashi and threw Naruto aside. His head landing first with a sickening crunch. Mei sobbed and ran to her brother, lying too still under her hands.
"Kakashi," she shrieked. "Don't!"
The two were locked in a duel between Itachi's katana and Kakashi's kunai when Itachi sliced at his bicep, forcing him to drop the blade. In a fluid motion he slashed through his chest.
"I will take everything, and everyone you love." Itachi swore. "Then you will know what it's like to witness the loss of everything you've cared for!"
Meilani jolted awake, in the arms of Kakashi. She scrambled to a sitting position, her heart erratically beating. She combed her hair back with her fingers, gripping her curls close to her scalp.
Kakashi said nothing as he sat up, wiping the tears slipping down her face. He frowned at her quivering chin, pulling her into his chest.
"I couldn't wake you," he held Mei's body to him steadily. Kissing the top of her head, and then the back of her shoulder. Mei felt her heart slow down, eyes shut tight.
"Did I wake you up?"
He was quiet for a moment. "You were talking in your sleep." He leaned over to observe her face better. "You kept saying 'Itachi.'"
Meilani faced him, her nose brushing against his. Kakashi's open eye drooped more than normal, with a greyish hue under his lids. And while that did bother her deeply, it didn't bother her as much as his tone. It was strained, almost ambivalent. Meilani pressed her forehead against his chin, blaming her sensitivity on her lack of sleep.
"It was a horrible dream."
He remained silent, tracing the side of her arm with his fingers. Mei took deep breaths, the callousness of his skin grounding her.
"I'm not going to be able to get back to sleep," she grumbled, rising up. "You should stay and sleep in, beloved."
Kakashi leaned against the bedframe. "What are you gonna do?"
Mei shrugged. "I guess go for a run, train a bit before I go on patrols."
"If you have time," he moved an arm behind his head. "I'd like to have dinner with you."
"Would you?" She held an elbow. "I thought you wanted to talk."
Kakashi watched her anxious eyes, and noticed the heel of her foot bouncing.
"We can, and we will."
"You're kind of scaring me." Meilani gulped slowly, realizing her foot was shaking aggressively and stopped it short.
"I want you to teach me the 'whispers of the wind,'" he responded. His stomach felt heavy, knowing full well that wasn't the issue. But he needed more time to sort out why the words he overheard affected him in such a way.
"Really?" She questioned. "Is that what's been on your mind?"
"It's a good way to communicate, if one of us needs the other."
Mei's inner brows pulled closer together. The same heat on her face she dealt with the past couple of days returned. She took a deep breath through her nose, moving around her room to gather clothes.
He might be able to deflect and avoid everyone else. But that shit isn't gonna fly by me.
"I wish you'd tell me what's going on with you," she changed into training clothes with her back turned to him. The joggers and sports bra essentially flew on with her rapidness. "If I did something, or said something then let me know so I can fix it. But if you want to continue avoiding honesty, then fine. Feel free to talk to me when you're ready."
Kakashi's brows pulled together, biting back a snippy response. Meilani snatched her gear up and shut the room door with detectible attitude. Kakashi sighed deeply, lying his head against the headboard with more force than usual. His hand rubbed his entire face, the feeling in his stomach sinking lower. After a few minutes of silence, he moved off of the bed, away from her comforting scent lingering on the pillows, and headed home.
*****
"The exams are coming up this week, so I think by the end of it we'll have our new round of genin." Iruka beamed. "They're all very spirited, I think some have the potential to pass the Chunin exams next year. Mei?"
Her eyes veered back to Iruka instead of the scenery across the bend they sat on. "Huh? Oh, sorry Rue."
He gave a faint smile. "You alright?"
She nodded slightly. "Yeah, and I didn't sleep well." Her mouth stayed open for a moment longer, before she closed it and looked down.
"Is that all?"
Mei let out a shaky sigh. "No, but... I already talked to Genma about it."
She then gave a brief explanation about Kakashi's odd behavior. Iruka listened with an attentive ear, watching her twirl a kunai with alternating fingers. After she finalized the events of this morning, she flung it towards the tree trunk in front of them, hitting the center.
"I don't think Kakashi's ever been the one to speak about his emotions," Iruka fished through his lunch bag, pulling out a couple of pieces of mochi. He handed her the matcha flavored. "Hopefully he understands that in a relationship he can let his guard down a bit more. But that might take some time."
Mei nibbled on the snack, leaning her head against the palm of her hand. "Hopefully. He mentioned having dinner tonight, but I was too pissed off to give him an answer."
"Get dressed anyway," he nudged her with his elbow. "dress up nice, you'll feel better and he might be more open to talking."
Mei forced a small grin. "We'll see,"
Mei walked by the Academy on the way to the Western gate, nostalgia flooding her mind. She observed the playfield briefly, most kids running around playing made-up games but others training or studying. She met eyes with a young brunette girl sitting beside an even younger girl with similar features. A younger sister, Mei presumed. The brunette averted her gaze, shuffling the cards beside her sister and continued their game. Upon a closer look, they weren't playing cards at all, but reading index cards. Mei tilted her head curiously as the younger sister began to read the description on the inside while the older girl thought hard before answering.
"Rue wasn't kidding. The little one must be at least 6." She mumbled, carrying on with her route.
Her feet dragged slowly the closer she got to the gate. Her eyes stuck to the ground and occasionally the feet of a person walking by. She was well aware of the lively chatter around her, and yet her shoulders remained low. Her overgrown bangs covered the sides of her face. Eventually she held her elbows, mind racing as she combed through what she said and done around Kakashi that could have possibly upset him.
Her feet paused when she nearly stepped on someone's toes. When the feet remained still, she tilted her head up and met Kakashi's gaze. She felt her heart leap, drop, and flip stimultaneously.
"Sorry," she flipped her thick braid back. "I'm running late."
He stepped to the side, blocking her from walking around him. She leaned back, her eyes widening at the touch of him tucking the longer piece of her bangs behind her ear.
"I'll see you tonight?" He asked, his hand brushing the side of her head.
"Um... Sure," she breathed. "Okay."
Mei's eyes fluttered closed as he kissed her forehead gently, taking his time pulling away from her. He didn't stop her from walking away this time, and watched her walk away from him. Beyond the gates for her patrols.
****
Mei smoothed out her dress, a deep purplish-pink rouge that reminded her of the dusk she watched before she departed the Isle of Dreams. She turned her body slightly, approving of the form-fitting outfit, ending at the middle of her calves and it's short sleeves off the shoulder. She was impressed at how the criss-cross pattern across her chest gave the illusion of a push-up bra. Her fingers adjusted the opal necklace he gifted her, and then her freshly-pampered curls.
Her nose sniffed, and Mei whispered a curse word under her breath before running to the oven and removing the almond cookies just in time. The edges were perfectly golden, the almond in the center toasted but not burnt. She let out a sigh of relief before setting them on the cooling rack to finish up.
Meilani's time on patrol had been uneventful, aside from finding a lost deer and guiding it back to the Nara clan's forest. It gave her time to understand Kakashi's behavior, and decided not to take it personal. He needed support, and assurance. From what? She wasn't sure, but she was certain that she found the right words to help him feel better. In fact, she decided that she was ready to confess her love. To her it didn't matter who said it first, or how grand the confession was. She was certain an intimate, heartfelt declaration was more their style. One that he would appreciate more.
Some time had passed, and Kakashi was later than usual. She has set the cookies on a large plate neatly, watered her tulip sprouts, half an inch taller than when he gave the potted seeds to her almost 2 weeks ago. By her birthday, the stem should be another inch closer to its final growth.
She checked the time, her shoulders lowering at how late it was getting. Her feet led her to her bathroom, where she checked her eyeliner and her lipstick. Next she walked to her coffee table, where she reread the letters from Naruto and her father that arrived shortly before getting dressed.
Finally, Mei heard the front doors lock shift and turn. Kakashi entered the apartment, his jonin vest was traded with a dark grey blazer and an onyx t-shirt under, a matching mask tucked under the collar. His pants matched his blazer, and Mei noticed his hair was pampered a bit more than usual. Mei sized him up, dotingly trailing her hands along his arms. An act that sent chills through his entire body. Before she could stop herself, she pecked his masked lips, spluttering when she noticed her lipstick left a flawless print.
"Hi," he brushed his thumb along her cheek. "You look beautiful."
Her cheeks grew pink. "And you look handsome. How are you feeling?"
Nervous. He told himself, though gave external sign of it. "I'm fine."
Mei's pursed lips moved to one side, and she stepped back.
"Before we leave, can we talk?"
Kakashi stuck his hands in his pockets to avoid fidgeting. Ignoring the pressure in his chest that's only increased with every step here.
"Sure,"
Mei sat both of them down, her ankles crossed.
"I've noticed you've been acting distant these past couple of days. And at first, it hurt, it was even frustrating. It took me a while but, I remembered that you aren't used to expressing your feelings. Hell, it's one of the bumps we came across when we started seeing each other."
He listened patiently, watching her rub her palm with her thumb.
"I realize that progress isn't linear. And I'm sorry for getting annoyed. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I want to be, always."
Mei cleared her throat, pushing down the shakiness.
"I want you to know that every day I wake up, my day is already perfect when the first thing I see is you. When I read, I never read the characters themselves anymore. I read them as us, in different stories and timelines. When I think of you, I thank the sun and moon and the stars for bringing us together. Because.... because I lov-"
"Stop."
Mei's breath caught in her throat. And for a moment, she forgot how to breathe. Kakashi swallowed hard, almost wincing at the shuddered exhale that eventually left her lips.
"I-.... I'm sorry," she ignored the prickling sensation in her eyes. "It's just been on the tip of my tongue for a while. I didn't want it to slip out at an inappropriate time."
Silence continued between them, causing Mei to press her thumb into her palm more.
Kakashi's throat tightened, and he felt a gentle prickling in his eyes. There was a flutter in his chest, familiar and yet so different because of how strong it felt. Her words buried themselves into his heart, so warm he thought it might see him on fire. Still, the back of his mind wondered what stuck to him these past few days. The wonders that he can't seem to let go of.
"You can say just about anything and I'll feel better." She half joked, holding her elbows. Kakashi's fingers gingerly traced the folded fabric on her knees, unable to bring himself to look at her.
"Do you mean it?" He whispered.
Her brows raised, lying a gentle hand on his masked neck.
"Truly. I've never imagined a future with anyone else. But with you, the thought of spending every day with you, for the rest of my life, gives me a happiness I haven't felt before."
Meilani couldn't see his visible eye, his masked side completely faced her.
"What's this about, Stardust?"
He leaned forward, his elbows resting at his knees.
"Kash, don't shut me out." She pleaded. His eyes lowered to the floor, sighing deeply.
"It just doesn't make sense," His voice was barely audible, Mei had to lean forward to hear him. Her chest stung, unsure if this was insecurity or if he was genuinely questioning her feelings.
"Have I done anything that suggested otherwise? I'm not lying to you, beloved."
"How do I know that?" He finally looked at her, with an expression she couldn't read. She watched his lips part and close until he found the words. "How do I know you haven't lied before?"
Her head shook. "Lied about us? When you asked to keep this relationship a secret. Until you were ready."
"That's not what I meant," his eye narrowed.
"Then what do you mean, Kakashi?"
His voice was steady, calm. But his heart was anything but.
"I mean, it doesn't make sense for you to say... That, after telling Sakura about your 'obscurity.'"
Her shoulders straightened, and the familiar dimple under her chin formed. Did Sakura talk to him?
"I am not lying," Her bewildered eyes observed his body tensing, particularly his knuckles flexing and relaxing. Something she noticed he would do when reading an intense, anxiety-inducing chapter. "Not to you, and I didn't lie to Sakura about something I felt nearly a decade ago."
"But you've wondered." He countered. Kakashi watched her gaze change from bewildered to another emotion he couldn't quite place.
"You were eavesdropping," She realized. "That's why you were so upset that day."
He opened his mouth, but after searching for a less harsh term, he closed his mouth and nodded once.
"I don't believe this," she stood up, pacing the room. "You had no right to do that."
His eye darkened. "You know, I'm glad I did. I had no idea you felt that way. And since you do, I'm wondering what we've been doing this entire time."
"Making each other happy." She answered, watching him stand with his hands in his pockets. "At least that's what I thought we were doing."
"I thought so, too."
They glared at each other for a few seconds before Meilani spoke up.
"And does what Sakura told me even bother you? Did you happen to hear the entire conversation or did your insecurity get in the way?"
"You don't get to insult me and deflect." Kakashi felt his face grow hot, immediately causing discomfort.
"Then tell me this, Kakashi; what exactly did you hear? And how did it make you feel?"
Kakashi's head turned to the side as he contemplated. He looked past her coffee table and the oval rug underneath. How did it make him feel? Uncomfortable. Just like this conversation. It made him realize that even though he's progressed a lot in some emotional aspects, there are others that he needs to face. And he really didn't want to.
Meilani was patient, setting aside the brewing anger and hurt for a later time. If it were unleashed now, Kakashi would most likely begin to hide away his feelings again.
"I heard Sakura ask if you loved Itachi. And, I thought that was impossible. Not after what he had done. When he betrayed the village, his clan, and after trying to kill us last year. But then I heard your response, about how you loved what could have been.... It made me feel like you settled for me. And I wonder now if you're with me because you can't be with him. Am I wrong?" He turned to look at her calm, blank expression. "Or am I your second choice?"
Meilani shook her head steadily.
"You are not my second choice. I made my peace with what could have been long ago, and moved on before I came back last year. Did you happen to stay for the rest of the conversation?"
She waited for his answer, continuing after he shook his head.
"I get it. I'm sorry my words made you feel this way. Can I please tell you the rest?"
"Is it going to be along the same lines?"
"No," she ignored his pettiness. "I told Sakura that what could have been doesn't matter. Because I have you. And I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world."
He mulled over her words, watching her unsusceptible gaze. His eyes trailed over her alluring curls, her wide and troubled eyes and the necklace resting under her collarbone. The one he gifted her, and to his knowledge has worn it every day since he clasped it around her neck. The confusion lessened, although some conflict remained. He wished it didn't, it had made these past few days difficult. And he couldn't push it aside no matter how hard he tried.
"Were you being honest with Sakura? Or did you love him?"
Mei frowned. "Does it matter that much? If it's the past?"
"Yes," he answered. "Because it doesn't make sense. What did he ever do for you?"
Meilani sighed deeply, looking down at their feet. Her eyes squeezed themselves shut, the sharpness in her chest increasing the more she was questioned by him. The more he doubted her.
And he was, his heart beating faster as she closed her eyes and spoke.
There it is again.
"You can't always find a reason for some emotions, Kash. Sometimes you just... Feel things. I didn't understand it, either. We hardly had anything in common."
"Sounds like typical teenage infatuation." He crossed his arms. "it's no wonder Sakura related to it."
She glared daggers at him, her brows furrowing together.
"You don't have to be a dick about it. The poor girl already feels enough sorrow, there's no need for you to add onto it."
"I'm not adding onto anything," his voiced raised a hitch. "Stop trying to change the subject."
"I'm not!"
They stared at one another, Mei's chest heaving slightly. Kakashi turned his head, glancing at the door.
"I don't know why you felt that way about Itachi. Hell, I don't know if you still feel that way. For all I know you could be lying to me and yourself about how you feel about me."
"Lying?" She scoffed. "I've been nothing but honest with you. Something you can't say because I had to pull this conversation out of y-"
"Your tell is more obvious than you think." He cut her off. "I want to believe you. But what I heard you say... Something doesn't add up."
Mei couldn't shove down the pit growing in her stomach. Her eyes turned glossy.
"Then ask me. I'll answer anything you want, just talk to me."
He shook his head, his feet carrying him away from the suffocating environment. "I have to go."
"Kakashi, don't walk out on me!"
He tore his gaze from her panicked expression, slipping on his shoes before walking out. Mei's nostrils flared, her blurred vision suddenly red. She stormed to her door, swinging it open and peaking her head out.
"Hey," she called loudly, waiting for him to turn. "When you're done contemplating if this is real or not, when you're done figuring out those doubts... Don't come back."
His eye widened at the slam of her door. He turned, but couldn't force himself to take another step. His shoulders stiffened at the sound of her sobbing, and he felt his chest grow heavier knowing that he was the cause.
Kakashi became too aware of how terrible he handled the conversation. But he didn't know what else to do, how to say what was making him feel this way. This... Anger, the pain. It hurt, but not in the physical sense. The kind that he rarely felt his whole life. Because when he did, he simply shoved it down until he couldn't feel it anymore. Until darkness overcame it.
But he didn't need to shove it away when it came to Meilani. At least, he didn't. Now, he wasn't sure.
He never considered her having feelings for Itachi, but looking back at previous conversations suggested otherwise. Her breaking past his genjustu saved Kakashi's life. And to do that, she had to think of the memory she loved the most that involved him.
And yet, she states that she loved what could have been. Kakashi was able to admit to himself that he doesn't have much experience in the area. So, is it truly possible to have a hint of love left in those muddled experiences with a rogue that she spent a small amount of time with?
Or is there something he's not seeing?
Kakashi shook his head, facing the hall. His eyes shifted to her closed door at the sound of something breaking.
"Fuck," he grunted. I'd rather stay here and fight all night. Then to leave and lose her completely.... I can't lose her.
He knocked on the door assertively.
"Meilani, open the door."
His ear leaned closer to the door. He heard the clack of heels, and then something hurled against the door.
"Fuck off!"
"Let's figure this out," he opened the door to find the apartment empty, her opal amulet dragging under the door space. He picked it up, inspecting for any damage. Ignoring the deserved sting in his chest, Kakashi made his way to the balcony, scoping out the rooftops she could have possibly jumped to.
This is going to be a long night. He thought to himself. You've certainly made a mess of things, Kakashi.