"That depends how you see it," Beth soon said. I breathed in. I breathed out. I knew what was coming. I expected this conversation with Beth to come. I wasn't sure how she was going to take the news that I had worked out just from being at Lyon. But I knew, when I arrived at this club, I wasn't going to be the one to tell her if she didn't already know.
"I think I know what you're going to say," I answered, walking towards her with the ball under my arms.
"Yeah?" Beth asked, looking hopeful, probably not wanting to break the news to me.
"Yeah. It's okay." I looked at Beth, giving her a soft smile. We both then knew what the other was mentioning, and we didn't have to say it explicitly to confirm.
"How long ago did you guys end?" Beth asked.
"A few months," I replied. "Early October. What about you?"
"Around the same," Beth answered.
"How did you find out?" I asked her. "Did Daan tell you?"
"Yeah. She thought I deserved to know."
"That's good," I said. "Being there, in the team, made it quite obvious for myself." It was true. Ellie didn't tell me anything as she probably didn't want to make training together awkward, but it already was. It really, truly was.
"I just can't believe it," Beth said, sitting down on the grass. "We were together for four years, and within two months... I don't know, am I being ridiculous?" I thought about it for a moment, and even though I felt the same, I knew that it was a hard situation, for all parties involved. Ellie and I had broken up. So too had Daan and Beth. We couldn't change that. I wanted Ellie to be happy, and if Daan made her happy, then that was that. For me at least.
"You're not being ridiculous," I said to Beth. "Ell and I were together for eight years and I do feel the same, in a way. I just- I don't know. It does feel as if I have no place to feel a way about it, you know?" I looked at Beth as I said this, sitting down beside her, with the ball resting in my lap.
"Yeah, I know I shouldn't. I know that she isn't a part of my life anymore, but still, it's hard." Beth stared ahead of her, not wanting to show me the small tear that fell from her face.
"We'll be okay," I said to her, grabbing her hand, and squeezing it. "We'll be okay."
"Anyways," Beth said, chuckling to herself slightly. "How are you finding it all? Liking the team?" I laughed to myself, thinking of the team and in particular the captain.
"Yeah, it's good," I answered. "Really good."
"Glad you moved?"
"Definitely," I laughed. "I don't know how much longer I could've survived there, to be honest. It was getting hard."
"Yeah, I could only imagine." Lyon was quite hard, especially towards the end. It was becoming more and more obvious how things were changing. How people were changing, and friendships too.
"But, it's okay," I said to Beth, trying to look at it from a more positive angle. "I'm here, at a great new club, with great new team mates, and... it'll all be good."
"Yeah, it will all be good." Beth smiled at me, both of us understanding the other.
Beth soon left, and I only stayed a few more minutes, practising some set pieces before getting in my car and heading home. But I needed a stop beforehand.
I headed to the pub, wanting to debrief some of the inner stress hidden in my head. I grabbed myself a drink, asking for a double shot. That drink went quickly.
"It's you," the bartender said to me, from a few days earlier.
"Oh," I said, looking up and seeing the blonde stand in front of me. "Hi." She chuckled, and I tried not making the conversation anymore awkward than it already was but it was, and I knew that.
"Thought I gave you my number?" she said, trying to very obviously flirt with a very drunk me.
"Yeah, you did."
"And..."
"And, you seem really nice, but I just got out of a long term relationship and I'm not really looking for something like that." She looked at me, trying to probably work out whether I was being serious, which I was. At least, I thought I was. If I truly thought about it, I could be ready for anything, but I guess it depended on the person.
"Right, okay," she said to me. I had realised, at that moment, that I still didn't even know her name. But before I could ask, she walked away. I felt horrible. I felt like a bitch. Maybe if I drank another I would feel better? So that is what I did. I drank another. I had grown to like the taste of alcohol. Being exposed to it, a lot more than I would've liked, helped that situation.
After closing my tab, I headed out, knowing that it wouldn't be smart to drive in my condition. So I walked. I felt myself living in my own little world as I wandered the streets of Northern London. Until, I heard a beep.
I looked up to see a car pulling up beside me.
"Tippah!" a voice called out.
"Leah?" I questioned, walking closer to the window.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Walking," I replied, quite drunk on the alcohol I had just consumed.
"Did you have a few drinks?" she asked.
"Maybe," I replied.
"You left your car?" she confirmed.
"Yep."
"Good. Get in, I'll take you home." I hesitated for a moment, not sure whether I wanted to get in the car I had made a mistake with only a few days earlier. But, was it a mistake? I thought it was at first, but now, after further thought, nothing is a mistake unless you believe it to be one.
I got into the car, putting my seat belt on, as Leah pulled back onto the street.
"So, drinking again?" she asked.
"Why not?" I replied, looking out the window.
"I can understand that," Leah laughed.
"Sorry," I replied, knowing that I was slightly rude. "It has just been a rough few hours."
"You alright?" Leah asked, genuinely.
"Eh, I'm okay. Where have you been?"
"With family," Leah answered. "I'm usually with my family."
"That's nice. What are your parents like?"
"Good," Leah answered. "We're all quite close."
"Wow," I soon said. "That's so wild to me."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to bring anything up..."
"No, it's okay. My family, it's just- it's different, I guess." Leah didn't say too much, probably wanting to just let me talk without feeling pressured into doing so. "But, they're all in Australia so, it's alright."
"Have you got any siblings?" she asked. I chuckled softly to myself.
"Yeah. I'm the youngest of five."
"Five?!"
"Yeah, five. We grew up in the country so it's a bit more normal I guess to have a lot of kids."
"What are their names?"
"Bindi, Darcy, Eden and Finn. Finn and I were similar in age, quite close too."
"He in Australia?"
"Yep. He wants to become a tradie and everything."
"I love that." Leah smiled as she spoke, something that made the flutters in my stomach heighten. "What about your other siblings?"
"Not really sure. Don't talk to them too often. Bindi and Darcy have families, so-"
"You're an aunty?" Leah asked.
"Yeah, but I have only seen them once, at a Christmas dinner a few years ago."
"Oh. What about Eden?"
"She's...not sure. She could be dead for all I know." I didn't like talking about Eden. She was always a sore spot. She would always get the brunt of the pain out of the five of us. Mum tried to get her out of there as quickly as she could, hence sending her to Armidale. But, in the end, it wasn't a success. It never was going to be a success.
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
"No, no," I replied, trying not to get any pitiful sympathy. "I just have a different family. Yours, your family, however, sounds like the dream."
"I'll invite you next time, to one of our family dinners," Leah said, genuinely.
"That would be lovely." Leah chuckled as I replied. Her hand rested on the clutch, and I wanted nothing more than to grab it. But I couldn't; we weren't like that.
We continued to speak for a few minutes until we arrived at my apartment. I was glad, now that I look back on it, that Leah dropped me home as it would've taken me more time than I would've wanted having to walk.
"Well, thanks, Leah," I said to her, referencing the trip home.
"Um, yeah, no problem," she replied. I knew what happened last time was wrong, but there was an inkling in my heart that made me want to do it all again. I knew it was a bad idea. It always was going to be, but sometimes, the heart, or the brain (tipsy brain in my case) wants what it wants. "Goodnight, Tippah," she then said. I took that as my queue to leave. I didn't want it to be, but I felt it was.
I closed the door to the car, and walked up to my apartment, not wanting to look back behind me. Not wanting to see the English captain drive away.
I unlocked the door, and walked inside. I didn't hear the door close, however, and as I turned around, she stood there. Leah stood there.
"This doesn't mean anything," she said, obviously trying hard not to feel anything as she walked towards me, placing her lips on mine, and grabbing my face with her hands.
"This means nothing at all," I replied, kissing her back. This meant nothing. We both knew that. But at the same time, this meant fucking everything.