"So... y'all saw her?" Rich's voice broke through the dark of the kitchen before Austin saw him. He made his way to the refrigerator, grabbing out a bottle of water and sitting at the table beside him.
"We did." Austin breathed out heavily, the events of the night replaying on his mind on a continuous loop.
"How'd that go?" Rich asked and it took all of Austin's self control not to snap back at him.
"How do you think it went?" He tried to keep his tone neutral even if it felt anything but.
"You know she's been here for the past three weeks?" Rich asked as he leant back in his chair, taking a swig of water. Austin's brow furrowed in confusion, she had told him tonight she had been here about a week. Again she was trying to fucking protect his feelings.
"She visited him at least once every day, sat with him if he was sleeping, read to him when he was stressed and asking for mom. She was with him when he went."
"I get it dad." He took a deep breath, hoping it might help centre him and allow him to regain control of his emotions.
"She has every right to be here boy."
He let out a heavy sigh as he listened to Rich speak. Rich wasn't trying to make him feel guiltier than he already did, but fuck it hadn't made him feel better. "I know she does."
"She's family too..."
"I fucking know!" His voice was almost a shout as he stood up from the table, kicking the old wooden chair backwards in the process. It had been a long fucking day and he couldn't hold back his feelings anymore tonight. "I never fucking said she shouldn't be here, I never told her not to come, but fuck me you can't expect that it didn't fucking kill me to see her tonight."
"It woulda killed you whenever you saw her." Rich stood from his seat turning to watch Austin as he paced in the kitchen.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He threw his arms out as he asked the question.
"What do ya want me to say Austin?"
"I don't fucking want you to say anything. I know what I did, I know what I've been, just like you know what I've fucking been through." He shouted back, a soft flick of a light switch coming from upstairs signalling he'd woken Jodie.
He took a second to try and calm down slightly, taking deep breaths before continuing. "I want you to stop telling me what a fucking saint she's been and what a fucking piece of shit I am. I fucking know, I have to live with it for the rest of my fucking life."
Jodie had made her way downstairs, catching the end of his speech. "What's goin on?" She asked Rich as her eyes flicked between the two men filled with concern.
Austin saw this as his chance, he grabbed the keys from the hanger and left through the kitchen door, jumping in Rich's Raptor and taking off down the road.
He didn't know where he was going, he didn't have any where to go or anyone to see. His skin was becoming itchy and it felt like it was crawling while a wave of nausea crashed over him. He kept driving until he found a safe spot to pull over, throwing the car into park and shutting off the engine. He quickly pulled out his phone and hit his last dialled number, praying with each ring to hear her voice as his eyes remained locked on the blue house in front of him.
A sense of relief washed over him and he let out the breath he felt he'd been holding for a month when he finally heard her voice through the phone. "Austin? You okay?"
"Hey Brooke..."
***
He could feel the pain in his body before he had even woken up. This car was spacious but he was a big boy, he was definitely not designed to sleep in the front seat of a car.
He was beginning to stir, could feel the light beginning to burn behind his eyes when he heard tapping on the window beside him. His eyes shot open and it took a second for the events of last night to fall into place in his mind as he played catch up.
Then he saw her.
Her soft brown hair was braided on either side of her head, her cheeks and the tip of her nose were red from the cold Texas air. Soft snow flakes were falling on her, delicately covering the soft blue puffer jacket she had on. She was holding a steaming hot mug in her hands as she waited patiently for him to open the door or roll down the window or acknowledge her in any way.
He knew he needed some kind of barrier between them so figured rolling down the window would be the safest option. His brain was still clouded heavily with sleep and he hadn't thought of the fact that the engine was off and the window was electric. He fussed about trying to find the keys for a second before managing to unlock the doors, quickly pushing it open as she took a step back out of the way.
"Morning." He tried to fake a smile, tried to act like him spending the night in a car out the front of her house wasn't straight out of a fucking true crime documentary.
She passed him the hot mug of coffee, concern and confusion heavy on her face. "You okay?" She asked before he nodded back.
"You sober?" She asked as his face fell, his shattered heart breaking even more with her question. He held her eyes as he nodded back to her, he couldn't blame her for asking.
"Come inside and get warm." She turned and began making her way back to the house before waiting for his response.
***
His eye lids fluttered open as he struggled to focus on his unknown surroundings.
He remembered the fight with his dad, remembered taking off and parking outside the blue house. He remembered waking up in his car and... Oh Fuck!
He tried to squint, to keep his eyes as closed as possible as he checked for her before he heard footsteps coming closer.
"The sudden stop in snoring is kinda a give away..." She placed another mug of hot coffee on the table in front of him.
"I don't snore." He defended as he sat himself up on the couch, reaching forward for his mug.
"Okay..." She conceded easily as she climbed onto the armchair and tucked her legs underneath her, the smirk on her face telling him she was giving him the easy win.
They sat in silence as they each drank their coffees, their eyes flicking back and forth between them as they silently sized each other up. He felt like he was in some twisted game of chicken as to who would speak first.
"This is so much harder than I even imagined it would be. Being here, seeing everyone. Seeing you."
"I'm sorry Austin." Her voice was soft, a heavy element of defeat to it.
"It's not your fault."
"But me being here obviously isn't helping."
He wanted to tell her it wasn't true and that her presence was reassuring, but he couldn't lie to her, not again. He sat silently, taking another sip of his coffee, fuck why did it always taste so much better when she had made it? It was literally beans and fucking water.
"Can you please let your parents know I won't be there tomorrow."
His eyes shot up to her, the visual of her sitting there so deflated and instant pain to his chest. "Kendra."
"The last thing I want is to make this harder on you. My being here is selfish and unfair. I've said my goodbyes."
"Why did you tell me you've only been here a week?" He challenged, already sure he knew the answer. He knew her well enough to know she was trying to protect him albeit undeservedly.
"I didn't want you to feel bad." At least she was being honest he supposed, but her acknowledging the fact just infuriated him.
"You felt sorry for me. You were trying to protect me from seeing what a piece of shit grandson I am."
"That's not..."
"After fucking everything, you're still trying to protect me? I'm that fucking weak that I couldn't handle knowing..."
"Jesus Christ Austin get over yourself." Her voice was raised as she interrupted him, shutting him up immediately. "You are shoved so far up your own ass you don't see anyone else around you. No one is saying you're a shit son or grandson, stop putting words in our mouths. And since when is trying to stop someone from being hurt a fucking crime? You're right, I was trying to protect you, I was trying to stop you from feeling guilty because if he'd known the truth do you think he would have wanted you here? You were where you needed to be, that doesn't make you a bad fucking person nor does it make me feel sorry for you."
He watched open mouthed as she erupted at him. Fuck he hadn't been called out like that for a long time, he wasn't sure if it was refreshing or demoralising.
He was a little too shell shocked to respond right away.
He watched as she wriggled uncomfortably in her seat, her guilt beginning to consume her. "I'm sorry Austin..."
"You should come tomorrow. You have every right to be there. He'd want you there." He downed the rest of his coffee knowing he needed to get out of her house. He needed to put more space between them as soon as humanly possible.
"Austin..."
"I want you there." He stated as he grabbed his dad's keys and quickly made his way to the door.