One would think that after Lou and I hugged things had improved. The truth? I don't know either because since that evening I kept avoiding him, I never went to my room except to sleep, I was in the cafeteria as little as possible and I don't think I've ever spent so much time in the school classrooms before.
The fact is that I was embarrassed, I had shown Louis a part of me that I had never shown anyone, I was not the type to show my feelings. I'd already done it with Niall, which wasn't good, that place was changing me. I'd always had a lot of friends, but our relationship was limited to making fun of teachers, getting drunk, going to parties and having fun. And if with Niall it had already been a lot, with Louis it had been decidedly too much. I had looked scared and vulnerable in front of him, but the worst part is that I liked it.
I had liked being in his arms, I had liked feeling his arms moving up and down my back, I had liked feeling his head on my shoulder, I had liked when he held me closer than we already were and I hated Zayn when he knocked on the door and screwed it up. I really liked it and that wasn't good at all, so when Liam, Niall and Zayn asked me if I wanted to go with them to the city that weekend I agreed, even though I didn't want to.
Now I was in my room and I was finishing preparing my backpack with things. I was late, I knew it, but I'd wanted to get into my room as late as possible, thank goodness Louis wasn't there. Maybe I spoke too fast, just then the blue-eyed devil walked in. He froze for a moment when he saw me, then shrugged, grabbed a bag near his bed and the jacket and started to go out.
"Hey wait, where are you going?"
"Going to town with Josh," he replied simply and started again to walk out, but my voice stopped him for the second time.
"But I'm going!"
"Oh really? Well don't worry I'll stay away from you."
This time he really went out slamming the door.
Why had I almost thought I saw a spark of sadness in his eyes? And why did it seem to me that his voice had broken on the last word? But above all, why did Josh's words keep ringing in my head? 'Stay close to him...stay close to him...stay close to him...'
"Hey Harry, are you ready?" Liam had walked into the room and seemed a little concerned to see me dazed so I hurried to fake a smile.
"Yes sure, let's go!"
The car trip went quite well, the boys and I sang all the songs that were playing on the radio and for a while I was able to forget about everything.
The city that everyone was talking about was actually very small, which made it more likely to see Louis, but it was still better than stupid college. We parked in front of the only hostel there was and split up, Liam and Niall sleeping together while I would have slept with Zayn. In the afternoon we strolled around the shops and we got some fresh air.
"Tonight we all go to a bar to get drunk!" Niall yelled over-confident.
"Niall...do I need to remind you what happened last time?" he admonished him.
The blond mumbled something incomprehensible with annoyance, that it made me laugh.
"Come on don't worry Irish, I'll come drink with you!"
That night we went to the bar which was also a club, in the end Zayn and Liam decided to come too.
I immediately made my way to the counter and started gulping down a few drinks. The music was already loud. I looked around. I recognized some guys from the campus who, like us, had come there to have fun and some already drunk girls who were probably waiting for us. I smiled. Bitches, that was just what I needed to forget about everything, plus it was way too long since I last touched a girl. I downed a couple more drinks before hitting the floor and starting to dance. It hadn't even been ten minutes and I already had five girls dancing around me. As I absentmindedly wondered why I hadn't taken a single room, I saw him. It was Louis, I was sure of it. He was laughing and joking with a blonde girl and after a few minutes he kissed her. I stopped suddenly, I couldn't move a muscle anymore, while my eyes kept staring at that scene. The girls continued to rub against me, perhaps in the vain hope of redeeming me. Instead, it was Liam who woke me up.
"Is there something wrong?"
"No Li, it's okay, I just have a bit of a headache... I think I'll come back to the hostel."
"Do you want me to accompany you?"
"NO!" I realised I'd screamed and Liam was looking at me dumbfounded so I went back to my normal voice. "No thanks, stay here and enjoy yourself."
Without giving him time to answer me, I headed for the exit, but once outside I realised that I had no desire to go back to the hostel so I started walking around the city. After a while I slumped against a tree on the ground. I realised that I must have come to the edge of town, because there was nobody there and I was surrounded by fields. The alcohol still clouded my mind, instinctively I put my head in my hands. I couldn't understand why that scene bothered me so much. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was drunk and having fun with a girl, basically that's what I was doing too. So why was I so upset? It made no sense!
I heard footsteps near me, I raised my head and saw him there staring at me. I remained motionless, just as I had remained earlier in that bar. Once I realised it wasn't a vision like I'd first thought, I tried in vain to figure out what he was doing there. He didn't move, he was standing in front of me and looking at me and I looked at him. Despite the dim light I could see mirrored in his blue eyes, my green ones. We stayed like that for a while, then he sighed and sat down next to me. Now he no longer looked at me, he was simply silent. I couldn't stand the situation anymore so I spoke.
"What are you doing here?"
He kept his silence and I assumed he didn't mean to answer.
"I don't know." His voice was a whisper and I assumed he was answering more to himself than to me.
"You don't know?"
I didn't answer him, not knowing what to say.
"Why did you leave?"
"What?" I asked confused.
"Why did you leave the bar?"
How had he realised that I had left with all those people and while he was kissing that girl? I didn't even know he had noticed that I had entered.
"It was too hot and that crowd of people was making me suffocate," I lied.
"I don't believe you."
Had he noticed that I had seen him kissing that girl? That he had left because... To come to me?
"Louis, what are you doing here?" I asked him again.
He didn't answer me, but after a while he gave me a kiss on the cheek and stood up. I looked at him confused, blushing. He was smiling at me and offering his hand. I took it and he helped me up. Once I was up, he didn't let go of my hand and continued to smile at me. He was really beautiful when he smiled.
"Come on, let's go back to the hostel." Without letting go of my hand, we went back the way we had come. He walked me up to the door of my room, at that point he left me.
"Well... bye then."
I smiled and waved to him, then opened the door.
"Hey Harry?"
I turned back with one hand still on the door.
"Yes?"
"No, nothing... good night."
"Goodnight Louis."
I entered that room and threw myself on the bed, confused.
I was no longer understanding anything. Louis ignoring me, Louis having fun with me, Louis hurting me, Louis hugging me, Louis telling me he'll stay away from me, Louis kissing that girl, Louis following me, Louis giving me a kiss on the cheek, Louis taking me back to the hotel holding my hand. But what was his problem? Why was he so moody? And then, hold my hand? What has gotten into him, but above all, why hadn't I opposed to it? He didn't make sense! I must have gone crazy, yes yes, that was the only explanation.
At that moment the door opened and my first thought was that it was Louis, but then seeing Zayn's figure I remembered that I wasn't on campus, but in a cheap hostel.
"Hey!" He greeted me, realising that I was still awake. "What have you done so far?"
"Nothing, I've been here in my room recovering from my hangover."
For some reason I didn't feel like telling him about Louis, but it was him who mentioned him.
"Didn't you see Tomlinson?" I swallowed.
"No, why?"
"No, nothing... he left the club shortly after you did."
"Dunno, I haven't seen him."
We both put on our pyjamas, slipped under the covers and turned off the light.
"He's not what you think, you know?" it came out of my mouth.
"Harry, you don't know anything about him."
He was right, what did I actually know about Louis Tomlinson?
The next morning I went for a tour of the city's shops with a perky Liam, a moaning Zayn wanting to go back to sleep and a Niall who hasn't quite gotten over the hangover yet. As for me, needless to say I was thinking about Louis, like every single day since I arrived in that school. I thought that until I knew the truth about him I couldn't get him out of my mind. I had even already tried to come up with some plans, but none had proved good so I had decided to leave it alone.
Almost like mentioning him, at that moment he entered the shop where we were with Josh. With him I never knew how to behave, I was increasingly confused. He ignored me completely and despite a little pang in the heart, which I easily ignored, I was relieved.
I was waiting by the dressing room for Liam to try on some shirts, while Niall and Zayn seemed to have evaporated. I looked around for Josh and Louis, but they seem to have disappeared.
"Hey Harry, are you here too?"
I think I jumped twenty metres. I turned around and saw Josh smiling at me friendly. Just behind him was an indifferent Louis. I was so focused on looking for them that I didn't even notice that they were behind me.
"Hi Josh! Yes, I'm here with my friends... What are you doing?"
"Right now I'm going to the dressing room to try on some things." He smiled. That boy was always happy.
"Oh well, I'm not holding you back then!"
He entered the dressing room and I saw Louis sitting on a small sofa nearby. After shortly he raised his head and realised I was staring at him and with his hand he gestured for me to sit next to him, which I didn't get repeated twice.
We were silent for a while and I began to wonder how long Liam was taking. I was completely embarrassed, but he seemed calm.
Maybe he noticed it because he smiled at me, but that only embarrassed me even more and I think I even blushed when I smiled back.
"So Harry, what are you doing today?"
"Mmm... no big deal, I'll hang out with the boys, then we'll be back, then shower and dinner. You?"
"The same." I looked at him, raising an eyebrow.
"What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked, not understanding my reaction.
"Because it's not true, you don't have dinner on Sundays."
I saw him frown suddenly.
"Oh yeah... that's true." He withdrew and was silent again.
I immediately felt guilty for what I had said. Besides, he couldn't have known that I knew what he was doing on Sunday nights.
"Hey Lou, if I said something I shouldn't have, I'm sorry..."
"No, don't worry." He had said it, but his cheerfulness seemed to be gone, he hadn't even looked at me as he answered. 'I'm an idiot!'
I found myself thinking.
"Hey Harry, I'm done. Sorry I kept you waiting so long!" Liam with the T-shirts in hand, had left the dressing room and was heading towards us. He smiled, then turned to Louis. "Hi Louis! Glad Harry had someone to keep him company while I kept him waiting! Please keep talking while I go to pay, I wish I didn't interrupt anything! Hope you are having a good day." He gave us a smile before going to the cash register.
Louis looked at him strangely.
"Is he always this..." He searched for the right words.
"Irritably nice?" I said to his rescue. He simply nodded.
"Yes, always, but he does it with good intentions, after a while you don't even notice it anymore." I smiled talking about my friend, I really didn't understand how he could have been so unpleasant to me at the beginning. I noticed Louis was looking at me curiously so I blushed for the second time in a short time.
"Well, I'm going to join him, bye." Without waiting for his answer, I turned around and went to Liam who was paying right then.
I knew I hadn't been exactly nice to walk away from him like that, but I hadn't been able to hold his gaze. I noticed that Niall and Zayn had also reappeared outside the shop so I joined them, followed by Liam.
"So what were you talking about with Louis?" Liam asked cheerfully, it seemed glad I spoke to him.
Niall's eyes widened.
"W-Were you w-talking t-to t-that L-Louis?"
I rolled my eyes. By now I had given up asking the blond why he was so terrified whenever his name was mentioned.
"Of course I'm talking to him Niall, he's my roommate, you know?"
Zayn just shook his head in disappointment.
Liam seeing the tension he had created dragged us to see a bag shop. I mean, bags? At least he could have chosen the ice cream parlour aside from it.
**
I came out of the shower with only a towel on. Even though I didn't do much that day, I was really exhausted. I wanted to throw myself on the bed and sleep. I was looking for some clean clothes to wear for dinner, but I heard movement near me. I looked up and saw that Louis was there and remembered that I was wearing nothing but a towel.
"Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were back already."
"Don't worry curly, I've already seen you with only a towel, remember?" he asked with a wink. Yes, I remembered that and we had a rather strange conversation.
"Are you going out?" I tried to change the subject.
"Yes and I advise you to move too, if you arrive late they won't give you dinner." I just nodded in response.
"Well then bye curly." He took his jacket that was on the bed and went out.
After a while I realised that something had fallen out of his jacket pocket.
I was about to go and call him when I recognized it. It was a key, indeed it was the key, the one that I had stolen myself. Suddenly I remembered Louis' file and knew what I had to do. I dressed with the first things I found and ran into the corridor until I found myself in front of the door that I had only gone through once before. I checked the lock to see if anyone was inside, then put the key in and opened it. I looked around, then went to the drawer where I'd seen Louis' file. I emptied it completely, but the file wasn't there. I slammed my fist on the desk making a noise. Damn! 'Why did he move it?! Because I'm a loser of course.'
I heard someone approach the door and immediately threw myself behind the same couch as last time. One of the waitresses made her entrance.
"Is anybody there?"
I kept quiet behind the sofa, unable to help thinking that the last time this happened Louis had held me close to keep me still.
After a few seconds the waitress came out and I was able to continue my searches. I was about to give up on finding that damned file when I saw it on a small shelf along with other files. I trembled as I took it in my hands. I hurriedly tried to clean up the mess I'd made, then went back to my room, making sure no one noticed my little visit to the principal's office.
Once in the room I sat up on the bed and took a deep breath. My hands kept shaking as I slowly opened the file that could reveal the truth about Louis. The first thing I noticed was a newspaper article. I picked it up and froze reading the title. I read it all. I couldn't believe it... It couldn't be true! Louis couldn't... I couldn't even say it. Of course that explained everything, Niall's terror, the distrust, almost hatred that Zayn felt...
"What are you doing?"
I jumped, the article fell from my hand. I slowly turned around
and stared into Louis Tomlinson's frozen eyes.