Before I could fly, someone tugged the magic carpet out from beneath my feet. I fell hard on the stone floor, screaming in pain and frustration. "I want to fly!"
"You're not ready. You may never be ready."
"Whose fault is that?"
"If you need to ask that question, I fear you shall never reach the skies."
"If you keep pulling the carpet out from under me, I fear you shall never reach adulthood!"
The antidote cream worked like magic.
Which made sense, since it was magic.
Thank goodness for Vermeil, who had told me about the cream and then obediently disappeared into the walls. I never thought I'd be grateful to a rat, but a fairy tale existence makes you seriously question all your beliefs.
I paused at the vanity mirror to make sure all was in order before letting the demon into my room.
Hey!
I looked in the mirror because I didn't want anyone else screaming when they got a look at me, not because I cared about what Ash thought. I just didn't need him being distracted by Petronella's face because this was the most important lesson I could have: to learn the inner workings of the Brittlebane computer systems, find the spell to turn my dads back, and see if there was an inter-realm GPS to help us get home.
I ran my fingertips over my shiny, sleek curls. They had never been this tamed. Those minions were magic with hair, even if they did have problems in the facial department.
The cute ice-green Olivia gown (that girl was a fashion genius!) from my closet hugged my body perfectly, and was all laced, buttoned, and tied.
The face staring back at me was mine.
You never appreciate your face until you have to wear someone else's.
Especially that of an ancient evil queen.
Trust me on that.
My reflection gave me a thumbs up.
Apparently, I'd become super acclimated to the wonky laws of Brittlebane physics because I didn't even react. "Thanks," I said, returning the gesture. "You look pretty good yourself!"
My reflection winked.
Satisfied that I wouldn't scare the demon to death (if that's even possible), I sashayed toward the door, admiring the swish of my skirts. "Lubris, are you going to open up now so I can have my lesson?"
"He had the correct password."
I raised my eyebrows. "Which was?" I said.
"Can't tell ya," Ash said. "Or I'd have to kill ya!"
"Then go away," I huffed. I totally didn't want him to go away. I needed this lesson, but I hoped to force him to give me the password because I hated being a prisoner.
"I do not want to anger my future queen," my wonderful doorknocker said. Or was he just trying to get on my good side? Either way, I appreciated it.
"Come on, Lubris, you know the rules. Open up," Ash said.
"Lubris, you are not to open this door until someone gives me the password!" I ordered.
The door swung open, and I still didn't have the password! Ugh. "Lubris!"
Lubris's face slumped like hot metal. "Sorry, Almost Queen, but whoever has the password may enter."
What use was it being royal if no one obeyed your commands? "I know you meant well, Lubris. Don't worry," I said. It wasn't his fault.
On the bright side, there stood a super cute demon in a tight black t-shirt with: Sometimes I Wrestle with my Demons, But Mostly we Just Cuddle written across the front.
Do not cuddle the demon even if his weird juju is making you want to! Was my mantra for today.
Ash pushed his way past me into the room.
"By all means, come in," I griped.
"Thanks! I see you're dressed. Too bad," Ash said, giving me a crooked and adorable, and incredibly mischievous smile. My stomach did a little flip.
Blade who?
Just kidding.
A super cute demon could not turn my head just because of a mischievous smile. I mean, anyone can smile. It doesn't make them special.
I pasted a frown on my face so he could see how little effect he had on me. "You're also dressed," I said flatly.
"That's because if anyone saw my perfect, hot, buff naked form, they'd instantaneously go up in flames."
"Is that like a demon thing?" Maybe it was a death glare power, like when gorgons or basilisks turn people to stone.
"It's an Ash thing," he grinned again. It had the same butterflies in the stomach effect on me as before. Was he doing this on purpose? I did not know, because silly me, I hadn't thought about needing demon intel before now.
Maybe demons were intimidated by crosses like vampires. I crossed my index fingers. "Take that!"
He laughed, low and throaty. "Do you think I'm afraid of fingers? Nice manicure, though."
"I'm making the sign of the cross."
"Look, Rowen, fingers and crosses do not affect demons."
Salt! That's what you used on demons. I should've stocked up on it when I learned at the banquet that a demon would be one of my instructors.
"Or salt," Ash said. "That one's hilarious, by the way. Like a little circle of sodium chloride could thwart a powerful demon."
"Never made sense to me, either," I conceded.
Note to self: brush up on salient facts on all supernatural beings, likes, dislikes, eradication of ...
Ash surveyed my room, cocking his head at the bookshelf where the books in the Demonology and Possession section shuffled up and down as if greeting their master. Ash gave them a flippant wave, then settled his gaze on the vanity table. He looked into the mirror, smoothed his hair, and made a finger gun gesture and clucking sound at his reflection. "Looking good!" he said. "Now, shall we get started on your lesson?"
"Yes, but won't we need a computer?"
Ash grinned.
My stomach flip-flopped. Again.
"Hey, stop that!" I demanded.
"Stop what?" Ash said, all innocence.
"Whatever you're trying to do to me with that sneaky smile of yours."
"Can't help my animal magnetism," he said.
"Is that like another demon thing?"
"Nope, another Ash thing." He stretched, his taut muscles on full display through the thin t-shirt.
"Well, stop it. Now, where's my computer?"
"It's right there," he said, pointing at my vanity. "Top of the line Poisoned Apple Model 666. Ten gigglebot drive with total memory recall and built-in molten lava display."
"Uh, Ash? That's a vanity." Poor guy, obviously, his demon brain was demented.
"Only sometimes. Other times it's a computer. The mirror is the monitor. The desk is a keyboard if you know how to access it." Okay, that was pretty cool. Magical fairy tale castles are much better at hiding stuff in plain sight than non-magical venues. "Have a seat."
I sat at the vanity, looking into the mirror. Ash stood behind me. Grinning. His little furry horns wiggled slightly.
Stomach flipping.
More grinning (on his part) as he watched the reflection of my discomfort.
I made a gesture that would've gotten me sent to the principal's office if I were in Miss Piltz's class. The mirror image of me not only made the same gesture with one hand; it made it with both.
"I invented that gesture," Ash said, puffing out his muscular chest. "One of my greatest achievements."
I shook my head and lowered my hands to the cool table surface. At the banquet, Petronella had said I'd never out-spar a demon. I was beginning to think she was right. But that didn't mean I'd given up.
"Now what?" I said, barely able to contain my excitement. I cracked my knuckles. Soon I would know all Brittlebane's secrets. Every password. Every spell. Where they were holding my dads. Every hidden escape route. The formula for whatever they put in my hair to make it so glossy and manageable.
Ash waved a hand, and a massive upholstered chair from the other end of the room slid next to mine, and he lowered himself into it.
"I know you think you're going to hack into the system and learn all the secrets of the realm, but that will not happen."
My throat squeezed shut; I could barely swallow. Could demons read minds? "I ... I don't know what you're talking about," I said.
"Xiri told me what you said."
"Who's Xiri?"
"You've heard of Siri?"
"Of course."
"Well, Apple tried to copy Siri from Xiri. But they didn't do the best job. Xiri is about a thousand times better—more efficient, smarter, and way more attractive."
"Huh?" I said.
"Watch and learn," Ash said, facing the mirror.
Wow! Ash is going to demonsplain computers to me. How condescending. But it's probably best for my evil plans if he doesn't realize I'm pretty much a computer genius. His low expectations are my superpower! "Sure thing," I said.
"Hey, Xiri?" The mirror image swirled and re-formed into that of a female demon in a white leather bustier, a white feathered miniskirt, waist-length black hair, and fuzzy horns a littler bigger than Ash's. Her red-lipped mouth was lined with two rows of serrated teeth, and she had a few drops of blood on her chin. She was in a white room, surrounded by computer equipment.
"Hey, Ash," the demon purred.
"Xiri, you have a little something right there," Ash said, pointing at his chin with a finger.
"Sorry. Was having lunch when you summoned." Xiri wiped the blood away with the back of her black-taloned hand. "What's that?" She jerked her chin in my direction. "Dinner?" Xiri licked her lips.
"I am not dinner," I shouted, just to make sure we had no confusion on the matter.
Xiri frowned. "You look too scrawny, anyway. Probably stringy and vitamin deficient, although her blood might be tasty. What I'd give for just a taste."
I rolled my eyes. "Can we please stop discussing the taste, texture, and nutritional value of my flesh and blood?"
"If you insist," Ash said. "To begin, I will give you an overview of the system and its uses. Besides being the repository of all spells, Spiderweb is a complex and utterly brilliant magical inventory system. I should know, as I wrote the code."
"But you're a demon."
"So?"
"Why would anyone trust a demon to be in charge of writing computer programs?"
"You wound me. Demons are the best computer architects in all the realms. If not for us, there would be no internet, even on earth. Who do you think gave humans the idea?"
"Are you telling me that earth's world wide web is a product of demon engineering?"
He rolled his eyes. "Isn't it obvious?"
When I thought about it, I guess it was kind of obvious. "I suppose, but I didn't know demons were a real thing until a few days ago."
"Now you know."
"So, is that why Xiri has a demon form?"
"Yeah. She's modeled after a girlfriend I had a few centuries ago. Bad breakup."
"Then why would you want to look at her all the time?"
He grinned. Yeah, yeah, butterflies ping-ponged against the walls of my stomach. "Look at her! Wouldn't you?"
Do not be jealous of Xiri, who is only AI and not the actual ex-girlfriend of the cute demon who you do not want to cuddle! I reminded myself. "Not really," I said, flicking my hand dismissively.
"Now, where was I? How much do you know about the evil queen's job?"
I cleared my throat. "Generally, evil queens sit around asking mirrors who's the fairest one of all, issuing orders to kill the competition, or making the rounds in forest dwellings with a basket of poisoned apples."
Ash shook his head and let out a long sigh. His breath smelled of brimstone—like sulfur and, well ... ash. "Okay, let's back up. The queen's job was created several millennia ago when the leaders of all the realms grew weary of the Eternal Wars over magical ownership. Never understood that myself. What fun is existence when you're not battling your enemies? But the bloodshed had reached unacceptable numbers and was taking a toll on the most precious of resources—magic.
"The primary function, therefore, of the queen, is to fairly and equitably distribute magic throughout the nine major realms. Recently harvested magic comes into our warehouses from the realms and from Brittlebane where it is cataloged in the Spiderweb system. Once there, magic users can fill out a requisition form, and workers inside the warehouse prepare the items for shipment. Spiderweb also tracks magical deliveries which are made via a team of specially trained dragons."
"So, you're running something like a giant Amazon warehouse?"
"Where do you think Jeff Bezos got the idea?"
"You've met the richest human in the world?" I gasped.
"Human?!?!?" Ash burst out laughing.
"He's not human?" I said. It kind of made sense. No wonder he was running a spaceship company. Maybe he was trying to get back to the mother ship!
(Hey, dear readers! Since I don't want to be sued for libel, I'm dropping the subject. Please do not tell Bezos or his staff of legal minions about this story!)
"There you have it," Ash said when he recovered from his outburst. "The core job of the evil queen is to maintain peace by handling oversight, management, and distribution of magic betwixt and between the realms."
"Wait, I'm confused. If the evil queen's job is to do something good, like stopping an epic war, then why is she called evil?"
"Side effect of the job?"
I wrinkled my brow. "Side effect?"
"Yes, if you'll allow me to continue, you'll understand. The evil reputation developed because of RULE NUMERO UNO: In order to maintain impartiality, the queen may not love or be loved. Turns out, after centuries without love, you inevitably turn evil. Again, I don't quite get the problem here, but I'm told it is that's what happens."
"I think that's a TERRIBLE RULE!"
"You don't get to decide. Once you take the oath, you're stuck with it. Like I'm stuck here giving computer lessons to a rookie. We don't always get the life we want. If I had my druthers, I'd be wreaking havoc on earth."
"I don't want this stupid job, and I am not a rookie!"
"Then quit."
"I will. Right now. How do I send Petronella an e-mail?"
"We don't have email. We have Demon Mail, called D-mail."
"Then how do I send her a D-mail?"
"Hey, Xiri?" Ash called.
"What?"
"Rowen here would like to send a D-mail to the boss about quitting the job. I'll just let myself out," he said.
Xiri's wide, toothy smile sent shivers of fear up my spine. "We haven't had a royal sacrifice in ages, and I don't have a thing to wear." A closet appeared behind her, stocked full of outfits made from various skins, feathers, and furs. "Uh, what did you want to say to the queen, Rowen?"
I gulped. "Nothing."
"Thought so," she said. "Too bad. Your skin would make a lovely outfit."
"Gross," I said. I needed to find out how to access spells in the system, but since Ash would not tell me how, I just needed more familiarity with how Spiderweb functioned. "Wait, Ash, before you go, I could use more hands-on experience with the system. What does the interface look like?"
"Oh, didn't know you were interested. Let me show you."
FIVE HOURS LATER ...
My eyelids were so heavy, they ached. I'd seen more inventory spreadsheets and schedulers than I'd ever wanted. Plus, I'd gotten a peek inside Ash's coding, although he didn't know I understood what he was typing. Mwahaha.
"That's it!" Ash said. "Pretty cool, right?"
"Oh, yes. So cool. Brilliant even. Um, not that I really care that much or anything, but where do you keep the spells? Are they in the system?"
"They are, along with a complete historical record. But all that is under lock and key."
Historical record? Maybe I could find out about myself. Solve the mystery of who I really am. Discover who my birth dad was. Maybe he could help me out of this mess. "But Petronella has access?"
"She does. But you don't."
Yet, I did not say. "Naturally," I did say. "Well, thanks!"
"Don't mention it," Ash said.
"I won't."
Finally, alone, I sat back at the vanity. "Hey, Xiri," I said.
"Yeah?" Xiri said, examining her talons.
"Please show me the historical record of my birth."
"Sorry, you don't have the right security clearance."
"But I have something better."
"What's that?" I pricked my finger with a needle; blood welled up on the tip. Xiri licked her lips. "I'll have those files for you in a jiffy," she said.
I wasn't sure how I was going to give an AI demon my blood, but I assumed she would let me know. Seconds later, Xiri's claw poked out of the mirror, and she ran a talon over my bloody fingertip. Then the arm retracted and Xiri lapped it up. "Excellent! A-positive, I believe. And now, I shall possess your soul. In the meantime, here are those files you requested."
"Possession? What! But you're only AI!" I cried. But Xiri had disappeared, and a document materialized in the mirror titled, "The Vessel and the Heir."
I began to read and after a few minutes, I gasped, nearly falling out of the chair. NO. WAY! THAT CANNOT BE TRUE!
I didn't have A birth dad!
I had NINE!
There you have it! Yet another Pulitzer-prize-worthy installation of It Isn't Easy Being Queen! How is it Rowen can have nine birth dads? Any guesses? And what will happen now?
Thanks so much, guys, for all your amazing comments, for the votes, for reading my work, and for making me laugh. Love you all!
This chapter is dedicated to OliviaEGlory because wow! Her comments are so much fun. I really really appreciate each and every one! Also, in honor of Pride Month, AND because you guys love fun stories, you ought to go check out her books. She's an excellent writer!