Tk pov
Something wakes me up, the room is dark, i look into the clock, its 00:00, i roll to Carlos but he is not there, he might be in the bathroom or something. I fall asleep again.
I wake up to clarity, the window is open, i thought that i close it last night, i roll to Carlos side, he is not there, the clock says 08:08, maybe he went out for a run, i get up and look in the bathroom, i go to the kitchen and nothing, not even a note.
I start doing breakfast, my anxiety grows and i decide to call him, it doesn't even ring. I check but his car, it's a little bit to much dirty but is here, maybe he comes in a little while, I take a shower, his shampoo is not there, I thought he just bought one. Everything is getting weird.
Time passes, he doesn't arrive, is he mad?, maybe they call him from work, but his car is here. I decided to call his partner.
"Hello, TK" she answers
"Hi, I just wanted to ask if Carlos is with you?"
She stays quiet for a moment "Uhm, no TK, are you ok?"
"No, no, it's okay, thank you and sorry for bothering you"
"Yeah no worries, take care"
I end the call, I'm getting really scare, I tried to call him again but nothing.
I decide to go to Andrea and Gabriel's house, I don't wanna call them first so that they don't worry, I arrive and Andrea opens the door.
"TK, what a nice surprise, how you been? I heard you have been doing better, how was the program?" She says hugging me.
What program?
"Hi, I'm fine, well I came to see if Carlos is here, I can't find him since the morning and I'm getting worried" I explain
She looks at me like I'm crazy, and like she is mad.
I don't understand.
"Tk is this a joke?" She says mad
"What?, no why would I joke with that?" I say serious
"Tk stop doing what your doing" she says walking into the kitchen I follow her
"I'm serious Andrea, I'm worried, I can't find him" I say
Why is she like this, I'm so scare.
"Of course you can't find him TK" she snaps, her eyes getting watery
"Andrea I don't understand, did he tell you where was he gonna be?" I ask again
Gabriel comes into the kitchen
"Tk, hi, how was the program?"
"What program?, never mind, Gabriel I can't find Carlos" I say the urge in my voice intensifies
He puts the same face as Andrea and I feel like stupid.
"TK, what are you talking about ?" He ask me
"I can't find him, he wasn't in the house this morning and he is not answering my calls" I explain
They look at each other and Andrea grabs my hand.
"Tk is this serious?"she asks me gently
I nod
"TK, you don't remember?" Gabriel asks
"What?, he didn't tell me where he was gonna be. Did he tell something to you!"
They stay quiet for a minute
"What?!" I ask again, they stare at me like I'm a weirdo.
"TK, Carlos died 2 years ago" Andrea says looking at me with tears in her eyes.
"What?" I chuckle
That's impossible, they are pranking me.
The don't say anything, my laugh disappears, what are they so serious.
"That's not true" I shake my head but they still they don't say anything
I look a them but they're serious, Andrea is crying.
"That's not true, I saw him yesterday, no, you're lying"
Andrea tries to hug me but I back up, tears falling from my eyes, it's impossible, they are lying.
Carlos is fine.
"No, no, no, it's not true" I shake my head, trying to get away, air is not coming in my lungs.
No, and suddenly something snaps, the house looked weird, his shampoos, his dirty car.
No...
Andrea looks at Gabriel
"Gabriel call Owen" she says and hugs me
I'm in panic, because it's not possible, no it's not true, I have to find him.
"Hey TK, take a deep breath, come on, breath with me" she is saying to me but I just can't.
Time passes I don't even know how much, but I still can't breathe, my dad comes to me.
"Hey, TK it's ok, it's gonna be ok take a deep breath... in 1..2..3.. out, yes you're doing good"
No, I'm not okay, it's not true.
"Dad...*gasps* is it? *gasps*" I tried to ask him if it was real he didn't answer but the way he looked at me said it all.
And I wasn't able to take a simple breath, everything gets dark.
I come to my senses, I'm laying on something soft I can hear voices
"I'm so sorry, I don't know what was that, he was doing good, the program really help, he is sober now, I'm sorry" says a voice I think is my dad
"No Owen, don't apologize, we understand" another soft voice says maybe Andrea
I open my eyes, I get up and my dad gets close, he offers me a glass of water, I take it and drink, my throat is sore. Like I've been screaming.
I remember.
"Tk, how are you feeling?" My dad asks
I can't answer, I feel that if I open my mouth I'm gonna throw up. I shake my head
"Tk you remember what happen?" Andrea asks me softly
I don't know if they are asking about earlier or about what happened to Carlos.
"I had a panic attack, but I don't know... what happened to..." I start crying again.
"You don't remember the accident?" My dad asks worried
"Accident? What accident?" I ask, the nauseous feeling intensifying
"Maybe we should take you for check up, did you hit your head recently?" He says worried
"What? No. What accident?"
I say serious, why I can't remember.
"You had an accident, a car accident 2 years ago, you don't remember?" He says really worried
Andrea sitting next to me
An accident?
I try to remember and eventually I do, the memories of it coming to my mind. But I remember he was fine, Tommy said he was fine.
"I remember, but he was fine, they said he was fine. Tommy did CPR, I remember, I do" I say confused, the look in their faces, like I need help. No.
It's not true.
"Tk, Carlos died in the accident, I'm sorry honey"Andrea says hugging me
No.
I get up and run to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet and I throw up.
I can't breath I can't stop vomiting.
My dad is there rubbing his hand on my back. It felt like hours until It stopped.
I gasp for air, I'm tired, so tired.
My dad helps me up.
" I want to go home" I say, my voice weak.
He nods and takes me to the car.
I wait there, thinking how can they be that calm, Carlos died.
My dad says goodbye, and gets in the car.
I can't take the emotions, I want to get high, so high that I can't feel anything.
"You're staying with me tonight" my dad says
"No, no I want to go home" "Please"
"Ok but we are going to go to the doctor tomorrow you hear me?" He says I know he's worried but I don't care.
"I just wanna go home" I cry
We arrive, he accompanies me to my room, makes some tea. He brings some to me, puts it in my night stand.
"Dad I want to sleep" I say
"Yeah, go to sleep" he says going back to the kitchen.
"No dad, go to your house, I'm fine" I lie, I want to be alone.
"Ok, I'll go, anything you call me okay?" He hugs me
"Yes, thanks"
"You know that it's ok to ask for help right?"
I nod
"If you don't feel good we can go back to the program" he says
"What program? I really don't understand anything" I say annoyed
"The program for your sobriety, it's fine if you can't remember. Tomorrow we are going to see a doctor" he grabs his stuff "are you sure you don't want me to stay?"
No, I shake my head.
I'm alone now, I'm a mess, I feel broken, stupid, sick and so lonely.
I try to make memory but almost nothing of the 2 years come to my mind. We didn't get married, my leg was broken I can see the scars, and that's it nothing else.
Maybe I am sick, but the pain of Carlos being gone doesn't leave me.
I look for pills, I need something, screw my sobriety, screw my job.
SCREW EVERYTHING
I find some, enough to get me high, I take them crying in the floor. I fall asleep.
I dream of him, he's in a field, a field I know, he tells me that he's there, that he loves me.
His presence gives a warm feeling.
But I wake up, in the floor, really cold, I'm shaking, my body hurts.
I get up and go and take a shower.
My dad arrives, take me to the doctor, they do some test and the whole thing, I don't even care when my dad finds out about the pills I take.
Everything is grey
Again
The dream goes to my mind, I have to go, I have to find him.
The doctor said everything looked normal, that I should start more therapy sessions.
Dad takes me home, I know he is mad, but I don't care.
I take the keys and go to my car, I drive to the field.
I can hear Carlos, he's talking to me, but I can find him
"I can't find you!"
"I CAN'T FIND YOU!"
I can feel his heat, I can feel his skin, but I can't find him.
Suddenly I see him far away. My heart beats stronger, I run, so fast that I can feel the air wallowing in my ears.
"Carlos!" "CARLOS!"
It's not enough, I can barely see him now, I don't stop, keep running, until i stumble and fall, I cry in the dirt.
I can't feel him anymore, I get up and keep searching like forever.
Nothing...
I feel like I don't belong here, this is not my place, I need to get out of here.
I can't breathe, I bench down and fall into the dirt gasping for air.
Someone touches my shoulder, I look, it's my mom.
She extends her arm to me I grab her, and hug her.
"Hi, my boy" she smiles to me
"Mom *sobs* I — I can't find him"
" I know, he is not here Tyler"she says caressing my cheek
"Where?— I saw him here"
" I'll take you to him ok?"
I nod finally breathing
She takes my hand and we walk for a long time. The way ends in our house
"Is he there?"
My mom nods, I walk to the house but she doesn't.
"Come mom, please"
" I can't go my little boy, my way ends here" she smiles
"No, no please don't leave" I cry
She shakes her head " Never my baby, never"
I hug her, and then she tells me to leave
I arrive to the door, I open it and my senses change.
Like I'm in another place.
Like I'm going to find him.
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Hi, i really enjoyed writing this chapter, I hope you like it and let me know if you have any suggestions.
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