I lay in bed tossing and turning. Tikki is comfortably asleep after we discussed for over an hour all my feelings about Adrien and the amazing time I had with him today.
Yet, as I'm trying to sleep, I can't stop thinking about how Chat Noir didn't come visit tonight. I guess I've just been getting used to him showing up in the evening to keep me company. It's just been a few nights and despite that insignificant little time I feel so dependent on Chat for some peace.
This isn't okay. I don't understand what this means, but between wanting to kiss him last night, and now wishing for him to show up, I can't get him out of my head. I should be absolutely frothing at the mouth over my day with Adrien today, not wishing for another boy to come keep me company.
Maybe I scared him off last night.
I quietly get out of bed, not wanting to bother Tikki. Making my way to my desk, I stare at the jacket I've been too upset to work on for weeks. Reaching for the material, my hand begins to shake. There's too much to decide right now, and I'm still so young. It's crazy to think that I'm supposed to pick my lifelong career at this age. Within the next few months. It's almost September, and I need to start applying to colleges no later than December.
I don't want to go.
I really don't want to go.
I want to stay here, stay with my friends, stay with Adrien. Stay being Ladybug, stay with Chat Noir. Stay with Tikki.
I can't do all of that though. It's physically impossible to have it all. Everyone is going to leave, and I'm either going to join them and say goodbye to my life here, or I'm going to be left behind.
Strong arms wrap around me, and I notice I've been crying. I gasp but immediately relax into the embrace. Chat Noir did come after all.
"You should really learn to knock." I say softly, tears soaking my cheeks.
"You should really learn to be more aware of your surroundings. Are you okay?" He says, his tone the most comforting sound I've ever heard.
"Honestly? No." I sniffle, aggressively wiping away my tears. I'm so sick of being so emotional, especially in front of Chat Noir. If he were to ever find out that I'm Ladybug, he'll be so horrified. To think that the strong, powerful and confident Ladybug is truly such a weak, pathetic young girl. He'd be happy he never dated me.
He'll wish he got all those years pining after Ladybug back, so he can focus on someone better.
"I'm here for you, Marinette. Not because I need to be, because I want to. You're going through a hard time, and everything is scary right now. But I promise you that it will all be okay eventually." He says this so gently in my ear, still embracing me, his chest pressed against my back while I hide my face behind my hands.
I twist to stare at him. He's such a good person, through and through. I want to tell him that, and explain to him that he's the best hero in all of Paris. To tell him that Ladybug is nothing without him. That I'm nothing without him.
An Akuma floats into the room and I gasp, scrambling back from Chat Noir as terror takes over. Hawkmoth will know who I am if he gets ahold of me!
He'll get Chat too, right in front of me. I can't let that happen!
"Marinette, stay calm! Focus on me, everything is okay!" Chat says, panic lacing his features. I stare into his eyes, breathing in an out. When the Akuma takes control, I grit my teeth and stare at Chat Noir only. It's a weird and uncomfortable sensation as I will ever fibre of my body to fight it off. It's slightly painful, like something is squeezing me and I can't move.
"Marinette Dupain-Cheng," a deep voice reverberates throughout my mind, it's Hawkmoth using the Akuma to contact me, "you've been scared for a while now, with lots of negative emotions running through you. You're scared you're making the wrong choices, and that your time is running out. I can give you the power to ascend all these scary thoughts, to become so much stronger, both emotionally and physically. All I ask is for only one thing in return."
Clutching my head, I try to picture ripping the Akuma out of me. Where did it land? I need to get rid of it. Chat Noir is now holding my face, eyes laser focused onto me. He's saying something but I can't quite make it out.
"Fight it, Princess. Stay with me. You've got this. You're good, you're too good for Hawkmoth to use."
"No, Hawkmoth. I want nothing to do with you!" I exclaim, feeling this ripping sensation as the Akuma expels from me. I gasp, it's mildly painful. I drop to my knees like I just finished an exhausting sprint, but Chat Noir catches me quick and lowers me onto his lap as we take a seat on the ground.
Breathe in and out, Marinette. Everything is fine, I did it.
I actually did it.
"-safe, you're okay. You did amazing, Princess. I'm so proud of you. I can't imagine what that must have felt like, but I'm here for you no matter what. I've got you, just like I promised I would. Hawkmoth can't control you." I tune into the comforting words Chat whispers in my ears as I lean into him. He supports me entirely, his arms wrapped around me in the most warm and comfortable way. My heart rate slowly decreases, and I feel myself calming down.
"I did it, I actually did it." I say quietly, my voice just barely above a whisper. "That was really scary, honestly worse than almost falling off the Eiffel Tower."
"Really?" Chat questions and I pull away to look up at him. His expression is a strange mix of relieved and concerned at the same time.
"Yeah... if I fell off the Eiffel Tower, I would just die. But if Hawkmoth got to you because of me..? All of Paris and even the world would be affected. He can't ever get ahold of yours and Ladybug's Miraculous."
"Two things can be right at the same time. I agree that Hawkmoth can't ever get ahold of the Miraculous' but that doesn't mean everyone else is expendable. Especially you. You're more important than you think, Marinette. When you talk like that, as if just dying is no big deal, it breaks my heart. You matter so very much, to so many people." He leans in, his forehead pressing against mine. Tears slip down my cheeks, but they aren't of sadness. I feel loved right now. "I will make Hawkmoth pay for trying to use you."
"Chat..." I whisper, feeling the warmth of his breath on my face. I could kiss him by just leaning in ever so slightly. Our lips are just mere inches apart.
But now is not the time for that. I give my head a mental shake, tossing those thoughts in a compartment to consider another time. Wrapping my arms around him, I give him a quick and strong hug.
"Thank you. Again. For looking out for me." I say carefully, standing up on my shaky legs.
"Anytime, Princess." He stands up as well, pausing to look around.
"Want to watch a movie?" He asks after a moment with a sweet smile, nodding towards the bed. "Or do you want to talk about things?"
"A movie would be good. You can choose." So we make our way over to the bed and lean back against the wall with the laptop between us once again.
To my surprise, he picks an animated film. One that I've heard of many times before, but I've never actually seen.
"This is by a very famous studio called Studio Ghibli. It's my comfort movie, to be honest. Want to watch?"
I stare at the title, My Neighbour Totoro. I nod my head, smiling at him while I wipe my face one more time. I cringe at the snot on my sleeves when I pull away.
"Yeah, I'd love too."
—————
I watch the whole movie, fully drawn in. Between little bits of talking here and there, we mostly remain silent in a very comfortable way. It was a beautiful movie, full of childlike wonder and emotion. The love the father has for his daughters, the optimism, the beauty of nature. Even the dark aspect, of their mother fighting an illness in the hospital. I wonder if thats why this is Chat's comfort movie, because in a way it is just him and his dad. I wonder if Chat has any siblings.
"That was a beautiful movie." I say quietly, and he nods his head. He goes on about some details of the movie that he loves, talking about the emotional distress the sisters went through during the movie, and how hard it must have been for the father to navigate such a difficult thing.
"I agree." I respond when he stops analyzing the film, my heart warm from his passion. Who would have guessed he could be such a movie buff?
He moves the laptop out of the way, twisting to look towards me. It's in the moment with our bodies so close together that I remember the events of last night. It's normal for a teenager like me to feel these things, to want to explore these emotions I'm having. These urges to pull him in for a kiss. This is the third time in the last 24 hours I've wanted to kiss Chat Noir.
Judging by the look on his face, he seems to be deep in thought as well. His gaze trails from my lips to my eyes, looking back and forth with a slight blush on his face. Think, Marinette, think. If I don't do something soon, the moment will be lost.
But maybe that's for the best. It's Adrien that I love, I can't betray my feelings for him like that. Not only that, but the fact that Chat deserves someone who can put him first in their heart, not second. These feelings are confusing, and wanting to explore them is wrong when both of us have feelings for someone else.
"You love someone, right?" I ask quietly, staring at his lips. They're so soft looking and so close I would just need to lean in a tad bit to connect mine with his. It would be my first official kiss. I've kissed Chat Noir as Ladybug before, but not like this. Not so sincere, and filled with emotions. Those feelings were times that I needed to do it to save him.
It would be my first kiss, and it wouldn't be with Adrien. Would I even be okay with that? Or would I regret it later?
"I do, yeah." He says, hand twitching. I watch him bring it up almost like he's moving in slow motion, hand touching my cheek to my surprise. I lean into it instinctively, the warmth it provides is so soothing.
"So do I. That makes this wrong, doesn't it?" I feel him tense before pulling his hand away. I see his face, something unrecognizable flashing across his features.
"Who do you love?" He questions, rubbing the back of his neck, not quite meeting my gaze.
"A classmate of mine. Who do you love?" I want to tell him about Adrien, but I can't bring myself to say it. Keeping secrets from Chat feels wrong but it's become second nature. Another reason I shouldn't pursue this. Curiousness isn't an excuse to hurt someone else.
"Same. A classmate of my own as well." He says, but his face changes slightly with an emotion I don't quite recognize. "Despite that, I wouldn't be upset if you kissed me."
I suck in some air, shocked by his boldness. He said it so soft, yet his eyes burn with passion. It's overwhelming, and I want so badly to give in. But both of us, and our lovers, deserve better than this.
"What about the girl you love?" I can't help but think of everything that is not okay about this, how badly I want to do it but I know it's wrong.
"Do you want to kiss me?" He asks, ignoring my question. I think hard for a moment, but I can't answer him. I don't know what to say.
If I can't choose, it's better that I don't agree to this. I don't want to do something I will regret later on.
And I never want to hurt Chat Noir.
"I'll take that as a no. It's okay, I'm sorry for dumping that on you. I was just caught up in whatever imaginary moment I felt." He pulls away from me, jumping down off the bed. I scramble to the edge of the bed, grabbing Chat's head and turning him to face me. I cup his cheeks, desperately searching his face.
"No, don't leave like that, I feel bad." He smiles at me, his expression a beacon of strength as always.
"You have no reason to feel bad, Princess." He pokes my nose, smiling at me. "You're a wonderful girl, Marinette. You're beautiful, inside and out. I'll forever be your friend. Nothing will take that away, okay? This changes nothing." His words comfort me in ways I can never explain.
I let go of his face to slip off the bed and stand in front of him. I wrap him in a hug.
"You deserve better than me, Chat. I won't let you betray your feelings for someone else because of my curiosity." I pull away, and he looks slightly conflicted for a moment. Then, he smiles and nods his head.
"I'll be back again soon, okay?" He pokes my nose again, and takes off without another word. I don't bother to ask him to stay longer, he has his own life to go attend to. I can't always be holding him back.
I usually feel such peace after spending time with Chat Noir, but right now my mind feels like a storm that won't calm down. Why must I think so much about everything? I deserve to have a kiss with a boy simply because I want too, it doesn't have to be the guy I want to spend forever with. Just someone I care about.
And I certainly care about Chat Noir.