I felt like the entire room had disappeared and I was floating in a void. My brain couldn't comprehend what my eyes were seeing.
"Clara?" My fathers voice pulled me out of the darkness.
I looked into his sunken face and saw desperation there. I still couldn't find my voice.
"I'm sick princess. I've been sick for a long time." He said motioning me to come towards him. "It's....... Its cancer."
He's been sick for a long time. I played those words over in my head for a while still not moving or speaking.
"Clara please stay something."
I shook my head and took a step forward.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I said and my voice cracked.
"I didn't want you to worry about it till you needed to." He spoke softly. I felt tears threaten my eyes.
"That's bull shit." I said angrily and took another step towards him. I have never cursed around my father in my life but I don't care anymore. "You shouldn't have made that decision for me. I should've been told. If not because I'm your daughter but because I am your successor." I glared at him letting one tear fall. He shifted in his bed and he looked so uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry Clara." He said softly again.
I glared at him for another minute then walked over to his bedside and took his hand. I was still upset but I didn't want him to suffer alone anymore.
"How long have you known?" I said not meeting his eyes.
"Since January. I went to the doctor in December because I felt like I had no energy and I didn't feel like eating. They thought it was anemia." He gave me a small chuckle. "They sent me on my way with some medicine.......... It wasn't until I collapsed a month later and was hospitalized that they told me I had been misdiagnosed and I actually had cancer in my bone marrow, stage 3...." He stopped to catch his breath.
"You have known since January! Father. I should've been told." I said no longer hiding my tears.
He shook his head and gave me a light smile.
"I didn't want it to effect your senior year. You did so well."
"You didn't even come to my graduation. How can you say you cared about my education?" I snapped.
He frowned at me "I planned to princess....... I boarded the plane to fly there a...." He coughed a little. "...... and surprise you....... But I fell unconscious and was hospitalized again."
I stared at him in disbelief. I couldn't find any words again.
"I have been receiving treatment once a week at a world renowned oncology specialist facility in Colorado........" he continued. "It was working........ I thought I was beating it. Until a few weeks ago...." My father started tearing up. "They told me they didn't know how long I had left." He shrugged.
"That's why you took me to Cancun......... isn't it. I knew something was wrong.............."
"Honey please. We can't change the past...... I can only prepare you for the future." He coughed and cleared his throat. "That's why I asked you to come home and start helping me out a little this summer......"
"I get that.......... Father. I am not ready to take over the business. I haven't even finished college yet! I'm not ready for you to die." I broke down crying and fell into the chair next to his bed.
"Princess. It's okay. You don't have worry about anything. I have it all taken care of." He said calmly.
I looked up at him barely able to see from how much water was in my eyes.
"I can still go to college?" I asked confused.
"Of course! I have a panel of advisors set up for you and someone I trust at the head of the company until you finish your business degree." He smiled down at me from his bed.
"Who?" I asked astonished that I still had time to go to school.
"Miss Cole of course. Don't you think she's a bit overqualified to be a secretary? I hired her after I met her father in the cancer ward in colorado. He was my confidante. An amazing man........ I promised him I'd help his daughter through life as if she was my own on his death bed."
I stood out of my chair quickly and wiped my face.
"Emelia?" I questioned. I can't think. The room is spinning.
"Yes. Emelia. She's a brilliant young woman. She will have no problem with the company until you are ready." He nodded with a confused smile from my reaction.
I started breathing rapidly. No. No she wouldn't...... "d.....d....did she know..... did she know you were dying?" My heart was racing.
"Yes..... of course..... we met while I was getting Chemo........"
I felt like I couldn't breathe. My world was being ripped out from under me. She kept this from me. How could she.
Seeing my reaction my father frowned. "I know she's your friend now.......but I made her promise to keep it between us before she met you. I asked her to do everything she could to keep you happy this summer. She's a good girl." He smiled.
I stood there stunned.
"I can't do this." I ran out of the room in a panic. I got to the garage and grabbed the keys to my Audi. I sped out of the garage and peeled out of the drive way. I don't know where I was going........ I just felt numb.
How could she?
He told her to do everything she could to keep me happy?
Was everything a lie?
This can't be happening.
I Just drove.
I drove until it was dark out and the low gas light started flashing.
I pulled into a gas station somewhere north of LA. I didn't know exactly where I was nor did I care.
I parked at a pump and paid for some gas. After I filled the tank I sat back in my car and leaned my head on the steering wheel.
How could Emelia have kept this from me?
Maybe it all was just a job to her.......
Tears started spilling down my face again.
My heart is aching.
My brain is numb.
My hopes are crushed.
My body is longing for her.
I cried for a while. I couldn't get the tears to stop and I think the only reason they did was because of dehydration.
I am so tired. I feel so broken.
I looked at my phone for the first time seeing that I have a missed call from Emelia. Several missed calls from her in fact. She left me voicemails.
5:30: "hey babe. I'll be on my way home soon. Want me to grab dinner? Just text me what you want."
It felt like a knife was stabbed into my heart. Tears that I didn't know I had seeped out of my eyes quietly. I moved on to the next message.
5:47: "I'm on my way home! Last chance for food. You're probably napping knowing you. I'm gonna grab us a pizza if you don't respond soon."
6:27: "Where are you? Im gonna eat all this pizza myself." She giggled at the end and I felt like I was going to throw up.
6:53: "Clara." A small voice came through the speaker. "Clara I know you know. I just talked with your father. Please pick up the phone so I can explain." She sounded so scared.
That message sent me over the edge and I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Everything was fine 6 hours ago. I longed to go back to yesterday. To just stay in Paris. To feel her skin on mine not knowing what I know now.
When I controlled my breathing I moved on to the next message.
7:00: "please Clara. Answer the phone. I can't lose you. Please." She begged into the phone. I could tell she was crying.
I started shaking. I'm not sure if it was from anger or sadness. Either way I felt like these messages were killing me.
7:17: "I'm so sorry." Her voice came through the phone steady. "Please just let me know you are okay then I will leave you alone."
I played the last message drying my eyes.
7:45: "Clara. Please. I need to know you are safe. If you don't call me back by 9 I'm calling the police."
I looked at the time 8:46. Shit I'll send her a text message.
~I'm fine~
I pressed send and she replied almost instantly.
~Where are you?~
That's a good question. I drove for 4 hours before stopping for gas. I opened up the maps on my phone.
San Luis Obispo.......... Damn. There's no way I was awake enough to drive back to LA tonight.
~it doesn't matter. I'm fine~
~it matters to me. Can I call you? Please.~
I mattered to her? I don't believe that anymore.
But I still would like a explanation.........
I called her.
"Clara." He voice answered desperately.
"Why Emelia?" I asked getting straight to the point. "Why would you keep this from me?"
"I..... I promised your father I wouldn't......" she said in a sad tone.
"I'd understand that if you just worked for him. But don't you think the situation change when we started seeing each other?" I said angrily.
"Clara. I know. I messed up."
"The job was more important to you than I ever was huh?" I interrupting letting my anger take control. "That's why we had to stay in the shadows? So you could run the company when he dies?"
"Clara! Please! It's not like that." She replied. It sounded like she was about to cry.
"You had to sleep with me so you couldn't get fired huh? Knew I was taking over soon?" I spat. I couldn't control myself.
"No! Please. Clara. My dad asked me to help your father. Before he died. Your father desperately wanted to keep you out of it so you could be young and happy for a little bit longer. He loves you...................... So do I." She said almost sobbing into the phone.
My anger dissipated and I only felt emptiness.......
"I was just a job to you Em. Someone you were told to keep happy..........Well congrats. You did fantastic work. I was the happiest I've ever been. I hope you enjoy running my fathers company. Promotion was well earned............... Please don't speak to me in a non work capacity ever again."
"Clara. Please. I......."
I hung up the phone and threw it across the car. I smashed my fists against the steering wheel and cried for what felt like hours.
She just said she loved me and I felt nothing.