Author's Note: I just felt like I should warn everyone in advance that I know some people might not like some of what happens in this chapter. But it's important to remember that all relationships change with time *especially* when only one of the people remembers that change, and that's even more true for romantic relationships. It's been 20 years for Anakin since he last saw Padme, and especially given that he sees her as what led him to the Dark Side, he's going to be initially cautious about being around her. Besides, after Mustafar, there's no way their relationship could ever be quite the same, even if only one of them remembered it.
~ Tirana Sorki
He can feel the burning heat around him. Rivers of lava flow around him everywhere, and he knows where he is, because he can't move.
His limbs won't cooperate anymore, and he's stuck facedown on the scorching sand. But he needs to get out of here before – before things get worse –
Before –
The sound of Sidious' cackle rings out above him, but when he looks up, the hooded figure of his master fades into Obi-Wan instead. Panic claws at him, as he tries to pull himself up the slope, but the sand only seems to slip beneath his fingers, and he's sliding dangerously close to the edge, and everything is only feeling hotter with each passing moment, and –
Why is Obi-Wan just standing there? Why won't he help him? Why is he doing this?
It's instinctive, that he tries to call his master's name. But suddenly, Obi-Wan's presence feels a lot closer, even if all he's doing at the top of the embankment is turning to walk way again, right as everything is getting hotter, and it hurts. And that's all he can feel and no, not this, not again –
Something touches his arm, and he jolts awake with a gasp. The room is dark, and he's not surrounded by lava or fire, but Obi-Wan is still there standing right over him, and – And he doesn't know where he is, or why Obi-Wan is here, but his former master always brings pain, and he can't –
Blinding panic floods him, and he lashes out without thinking, shoving him away with the Force. He just needs space and to get out or –
"Anakin," Obi-Wan calls, sounding a mix of worried and annoyed. "It's me."
He knows that, thank you.
He has a hard enough time breathing already, and it's even harder to do it now. It feels like he's being strangled, with how hard his heart is hammering. He draws in a few deep breaths, trying to focus, to just –
He's in the past. This isn't the Obi-Wan who has reason to hurt him, even if that will likely mean nothing eventually.
"Anakin?" he asks again. "Are you... alright?"
He mutely shakes his head, struggling to gather his bearings. Shame filters in next – he didn't mean to. He just... panicked when he saw Obi-Wan so close to him. "Sorry, Master. I didn't – mean to."
Obi-Wan settles on the floor next to him – he doesn't even remember how he fell asleep here, in the room where he should be working on those... projects. His master still feels much too close, but the dark makes it... easier. Neither can see each other as clearly. "It's fine, Anakin," he says.
It certainly doesn't feel fine, but he doesn't object.
There's a moment of almost uncomfortable silence. "You were seeing... something from the future?" he asks.
Anakin nods, looking away, idly running his left hand over the rough fabric of his robes, just feeling the texture of it, even if it's for the thousandth time, "Why are you here?"
"I came to check on your progress," he replies, giving him a pointed look, "Have you not been sleeping?"
"I have... occasionally."
"Occasionally?" he repeats, flatly. "Even when you're still... recovering from this?"
"I... forgot," he admits. It just slips his mind when he hasn't done it in so long. And it's not as important as the mission.
Obi-Wan reaches for him, and he flinches back instinctively from the suddenness of the move. He frowns, hand dropping back to his side. "Anakin... what happened with us in the future? You said you would tell me eventually."
Anakin tenses, and he has to force away the fear that shoots through him. He's scared to talk to Obi-Wan, period, and even more so trying to explain everything that happened, especially when he's really not sure how much – or if – his master cares. "It's complicated," he sighs finally. "We... fought. You injured me."
There's a long pause of silence. He doesn't seem sure how to respond. "How could I have defeated you?" he asks, "I don't believe I can remember when that last happened."
Anakin breathes in deeply, willing the memories to just stop. It's hard when the very sound of Obi-Wan's voice sometimes brings it back. "It was... right after the Order fell. I was exhausted, and you... were angry. I did not think you were... serious. I didn't think you would do it."
"What... happened?"
He squeezes his eyes shut, breathing in raggedly. "I do not wish to speak of this." The memories are threatening to overwhelm him again, and he needs it to stop.
Anakin is momentarily taken aback by how gently Obi-Wan touches him, and he doesn't pull back this time. With the gentleness that Anakin has craved for so long, Obi-Wan trails his hand down Anakin's arm. "I will never understand how the galaxy could fall to the point you speak of."
"Me either," Anakin confesses. He loathes how part of him is craving for him to lean into the touch, to get more. He wants more – always more. He misses people. Everything.
He's even more surprised when Obi-Wan's hand runs lightly over his back before his former master pulls him into a one-armed hug. He never does this, and the sheer... intimacy of it is what Anakin suspects finally breaks through his well-constructed shields and all his desperate attempts to protect himself, and he finds himself leaning into Obi-Wan's side.
He wants this, even if he's terrified about what comes with it.
***
Obi-Wan doesn't know what to think of this future, but he can only be grateful that it's never going to happen in this time.
"You injured me."
Of course, he'd be angry if Anakin destroyed the Order (how could he have done that?), but he can't imagine hurting him. Even if it would technically be his duty as a Jedi. It seems impossible to him, but it was clearly all very real to Anakin, considering how his padawan asked Obi-Wan to... kill him if he had to – Obi-Wan still can't believe he asked that.
It explains the distant way Anakin's been acting, though. Like he's scared. It's sickening to see, because Anakin was never like this. He wishes for a moment, that things could just be simple the way they were before, but – if this is the future that would've happened, he's glad for the change, even if it's hard for both of them.
But he hurt Anakin. And it must have been bad for him to be acting like this."I didn't think you would do it." He doesn't think he'll ever stop hearing those words, wondering what the "it" is, even if he thinks he'd rather never know.
It feels like... he should make up for it somehow, or just something. If nothing else, he wants to end this distance between them. Anakin has been distant since his Knighting, but it seems... worse now, in some ways. Maybe that's what makes him so willing to do what he normally wouldn't, holding his padawan (his child) pressed against his side.
Perhaps distracting both of them would be for the best. "How is your... device coming? The one you'll put in the Works?"
"I've never done anything with that technology before," Anakin answers, head resting lightly against Obi-Wan's shoulder. Obi-Wan can only marvel at how small he looks. "It is taking longer than I anticipated, but it shouldn't be much longer."
"Good." The sooner they get it planted, the sooner they can find evidence against Palpatine. Anakin's work with the device to dissolve the clone's chips is almost finished, which means... "I imagine the Council will want you to return to the fronts soon, if you are able."
Anakin doesn't look terribly happy about it, but he doesn't argue. "Of course," he says instead, closing his eyes briefly. Obi-Wan can't help noticing how he's pointedly not looking at him. "I am almost ready."
Obi-Wan disagrees – he can clearly see that Anakin has a lot more places he will need to... touch up on before he's at the place he was before, but the war is hard and the Jedi need as many generals as they can get. Even if Anakin is doing even more good here. "You don't need to push it if you need more time," he points out, "Last I saw, you were still struggling with your lightsaber. If you cannot even remember to sleep, perhaps more time here would be... beneficial."
"If I am needed..."
"You have already done much from here," Obi-Wan reminds him, "But if you do return to the fronts, are you ready to continue Ahsoka's training?"
"I don't know," Anakin answers, honestly, "I know she would want to. It... would be easier for her and the clones."
"What about you?"
"I don't – I don't know." He shifts almost uncomfortably next to Obi-Wan, but doesn't pull away. "I do not want to reject her, but I question my ability to protect her."
"Your duty is to guide her in the ways of the Jedi," Obi-Wan points out, "Not to protect her."
"I clearly do not excel in the ways of the Jedi either," he replies dryly.
Obi-Wan's first instinct is to argue that point, but he doesn't know enough to do that. He still doesn't understand it. "You did. You were... a good Jedi. I don't understand how this happened."
Anakin looks away – not that he was looking at him in the first place. "I know I – tried to be. But it was never... enough. You always told me it was not."
"That's not true," he objects.
"It is all I remember hearing," he replies, tiredly. "Except once, before everything fell."
He doesn't know what to say to that. He knows there was a lot of tension with him and Anakin at the end, that he needed to... stop hovering over him so much, but... Debating with Anakin about what happened over two decades ago for him – Force, he's older than Obi-Wan now, isn't he? – is not likely to help. "You may have Fallen, but you... came back," he points out, "No one has done that before. I still do not see how it's possible, but you are Lighter now than before."
"I do not... want to be that again," he says, quietly.
"And you won't be," he replies firmly, because that much, he does believe. Anakin is so light. He can't imagine him ever Falling. Not that he could before either, but it's different now.
"Palpatine contacted the Council," Obi-Wan continues, after a pause. He's never... held Anakin like this, but he wants it more than he probably should. It seems to help his padawan, though, and right now that's... what he needs. "He wanted to speak with you."
Anakin stiffens, fear abruptly coloring the Force around him.
"He was not a kind master."
"He would hurt me."
"You don't have to go." Obi-Wan would still very much like to know what Sidious did to him in the future – actually, he doesn't think he does. "We told him you were injured."
"It may appear suspicious, if I do not," he says.
"Perhaps," Obi-Wan concedes grudgingly. He doesn't want Anakin anywhere near the Sith, but he's right. They can't look suspicious right now. "But he would sense you are different."
"He likely has already."
"I will ask the Council's opinion," Obi-Wan decides, even if he already thinks he knows what they'll say. They can't let Palpatine catch wind of anything. (They also can't let him near Anakin, but the sway he once had over him seems to be entirely gone, so...) "It is... late. You should rest."
Anakin nods slightly, and Obi-Wan disentangles them – his padawan doesn't seem the happiest about it, but he doesn't protest – before standing. "Come."
They don't say anything else as they walk back to Anakin's room, but something between them feels... a little less distant, at least right now. Obi-Wan can only hope it stays that way.
***
Being so close to Obi-Wan so long was... not easy. Anakin suspects it never will be, even if he still craves it. He doesn't understand the way his former master is treating him now. Yes, occasionally he was... caring like this before, but it was so rare. He definitely never initiated that much physical contact. Anakin doesn't understand it.
He throws himself back into his current mission after that, because... he needs to finish this, and if the Council wants him back on the battlefield, it's what he needs to do. It's his duty, and he doesn't know how to do anything but what's asked of him. Obi-Wan stops by occasionally to see how he's doing, but they don't speak of that night again.
Nightmares never stop, but Anakin is throwing himself into relearning how to fight, and it's calming. His greatest struggle is probably staying Light – he doesn't know how to stop himself from spiraling. And when he does, the only person who can help him without making it worse is Artoo – the only one he doesn't have endless bad memories associated with. Except Rex and the boys, of course, but Anakin has been intentionally avoiding spending time with them, because it's... awkward. He doesn't remember how to spend time with people at all, and with the clones, it's even harder, because they're not going to encourage it. They're soldiers, but he's sure they miss him, and it's... hard.
He's not much happy about going to meet with Palpatine, though. He does not want to see him again, so soon after everything – or ever, really.
He doesn't have much choice, though. It would likely be more dangerous not to. The only thing he can be grateful for is that he's going to talk to Padme first, though that's equally terrifying, though in a completely different way.
He'd considered calling Padme before leaving for the fronts, if only because he knows he owes her some kind of explanation. Even if he doesn't know that they can ever be what they once were, he doesn't want to hurt her. That's exactly why they can't be what they once were. In truth, he's... let go of her, even if he'll always care about her as family.
He's not quite expecting it when he rounds a corner in the Senate halls, running right into her.
For a moment, he feels frozen, rooted to the spot. He hasn't seen her in so long. And now she's here and alive, and – Standing right in front of him, but all he can remember is Mustafar. He shouldn't be anywhere near her. But that's... not who he is anymore. He let go of that. He can be someone else. That doesn't stop his fear though.
"Ani!" Padme exclaims in surprise, throwing a quick glance around the hall to make sure no one's close enough to hear. Her voice is exactly as he remembered – not that he could have forgotten it. "I heard you were back. Did you get my message?"
"I'm sorry, Padme," Anakin says, recollecting himself as quickly as he can, "I – Much has transpired since... we last spoke." She has no idea how much, and he doesn't know how to explain it to her either.
Padme frowns slightly. "What happened?" She throws a quick glance around. "Perhaps we should go somewhere... more private. My office is open."
"Alright," Anakin agrees, and they head there. He hasn't been with her in so long now. It feels like he's talking to a ghost of his past. It was different with Obi-Wan and Ahsoka because he knew they were alive. And it hasn't been that long that he hadn't seen them, all things considered, even if he hardly knows how to be family with them anymore. He doesn't really remember what families are.
Being back here... reminds him of he always used to feel, how he'd try to do everything he could to get a few moments here with her. He missed those days for so long that he grew used to missing them. Anakin draws in a deep breath, trying to figure out how to explain it.
"I cannot explain how it happened. The Force sent me back here from over two decades in the future. It was... a dark future. I am not... the person you remember, Padme. I'm sorry."
She looks... thoroughly mind blown. He doesn't blame her. "What happened with us?"
She deserves the truth, even if he doesn't know how to explain it. More accurately, he just doesn't want to – it's not easy to talk about, and he doesn't want to tell her that she died. That's three years out. She shouldn't have to know especially if... it will happen again, but he owes her the truth.
"It... did not end well." Anakin shifts a little, fighting the urge to just do something. He can't look at her. He doesn't deserve to be here. He hurt her. Worst of all, she'll never know to be wary of him. "You died, presumably after giving birth to our children, and I... became a Sith."
He can see and sense her shock and horror. "How could that happen?" she asks, almost incredulously.
"I wish I knew what happened to you," he says, trailing his fingers over the edge of her desk, losing himself in what it's like to feel. "But I joined the Sith in the hopes of saving you. It was a lie, and I... failed."
Padme steps back from him. He can't look at her at all – this feels too much like a repeat of Mustafar. It makes him want to cry.
"I don't know what to say about all this, Ani," Padme states at last. She's obviously upset, and he doesn't blame her.
It only makes him feel the same self-loathing he struggled with as Vader. He thought he destroyed it, and he had, but seeing her again is reminding him of what he dealt with for so long. "I'm sorry," he murmurs.
"I know you are," she replies, "But you know I would never want you to become a Sith for any reason. They're..."
"I know everything they are," Anakin replies, "But the Jedi had betrayed their way, and I didn't know what else to do. I know everything I've done. I... know that's not a defense, but nothing could condone my actions."
He was able to forgive himself and let go with the knowledge that he wasn't wholly a monster if Luke cared about him. And he could do something that even Obi-Wan couldn't, and it's obvious that amounts to something – and he can see it now, that Sidious bound him with guilt and self-loathing. Had he not been so lost, so convinced he was a monster and had no choice of leaving, he would have found his way back to the Light years and years ago.
"I don't know," she says, shaking her head, "That's..."
"You said it would destroy us, and you were right," Anakin finds himself blurting out. "I should have listened." He can't regret the time he was able to spend with her, but it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the suffering of so many.
It wasn't worth Alderaan. Nothing was worth Alderaan.
"I need a moment," she says, turning away.
"The Council is sending me back to the fronts," Anakin continues, "I – I need to go soon."
"Of course," Padme nods. She's in shock, he suspects, and he almost wishes he hadn't told her.
"No one can know about the... time-travel," he adds as an afterthought, "I don't want to risk Sidious finding out. He has informants everywhere."
"I understand," Padme replies.
Anakin nods before backing out. It feels like he can momentarily be relieved, except he's going to talk to Palpatine now, and he isn't ready for that.
Nothing can stop his fear when he arrives outside Palpatine's office and senses the Sith so close, but Anakin lets the Light Side wrap around him comfortingly. The Force will be with him, and he doesn't sense that anything bad is about to happen. Dangerous, yes, but not bad.
Steeling himself, he heads forwards into the office. All he can remember when he lays eyes on Palpatine again is the lightning crackling into him, frying everything inside of him. Burning him alive a second time over.
"Sorry, I'm late," Anakin says as he enters, just to... diffuse it ahead of time. "I got distracted."
"It's so good to see you, my boy," Palpatine greets, sounding genuinely pleased. The sound of his voice is worse than Obi-Wan's. He thinks the only thing that keeps him slightly calmer is that his voice isn't quite the same as how Sidious sounded in the future.
The entire room behind him is red, and that hardly helps the circumstances. It's Sidious who left him seeing nothing but red for over two decades, after all.
He finds himself suddenly speechless – he needs to act how he always used to, and that will be hard. Struggling to find calm is hard. He can only let himself be empty to the flows of the Force.
"I didn't know if you would have time to come see me. The Council mentioned you were injured on your last mission," Palpatine continues. It reminds him of the days when they were once... friends. At first, after becoming Vader, a part of him had seen Palpatine as... having been lost that day too, because Sidious was so different.
"It took... time to recover," Anakin offers, "But I will be returning to the fronts now." He tries his best to remain calm, to focus on anything except where he is, as if focusing on something else would make it less true that he's standing right here in front of Darth Sidious himself. And Anakin is so accustomed to being submissive to him, even if Vader was also angry and resentful and tried to fight it, he isn't certain he's capable of resisting if Sidious tries to... do something, or make him do something, or... anything. Any and all of what their relationship was made out of.
Anakin wasn't much bothered, per se, by how he died. He'd wanted it for so long, but still, being here in his... once master's presence is reminding him exactly of what it felt like in those moments. The fear, the anger, and finally, the way it settled into something peaceful, and Anakin can only remind himself that at least he can be grateful Sidious gave him that in the end, even if he hadn't meant it.
But he had to kill Sidious to save his son, and he'd do it again if he had to, and that scares him, because that's how he ended up where he was as Vader. He will not walk that path again.
He doesn't have anything to fear, does he? (Of course, he does.) It's not as though Sidious could hurt him now more than he has already.
"That is good to hear," Palpatine says, and Anakin reminds himself again to be calm and empty, lest Sidious sense it. "How is it with your padawan? You spoke to me about how difficult it was."
Anakin doesn't remember that at all, but he wouldn't be surprised. "It's going well," he answers automatically, "Ahsoka and I are... working it out." It's true. Not the full story, but there's no lie, and Sidious won't know to press for details. At least Anakin hopes he won't, because Sidious seems to know everything, always. It was much of what he struggled with as Vader – the knowledge that his master was everywhere. Somehow Sidious always found a way to make himself occupy every part of Vader's life.
"I am glad to hear that," Palpatine replies, "I was concerned with how much stress you were under because of it."
"Thank you for your concern, your Excellency," Anakin forces himself to say, "But I am fine."
Palpatine lays a hand on his shoulder, and Anakin's mind screeches to a halt. He'd been able to find calm moments ago drawing on the Force, but now that he's feeling someone, he can't. The touch automatically makes him feel dirty and he wants it off, but he craves for human contact, and it feels like his mind can't work at all. He didn't have quite enough warning to stop himself from flinching.
Anakin wishes he could stop the way he wants to automatically cave in and beg like he used to. He feels like he's back there.
"What is upsetting you, my boy?" he asks.
A sensation of twisting guilt grows inside him, and he just feels dirty. And how in the galaxy is he able to explain that away? He has no idea – it's not something that he can create an excuse about. "I just – don't want to talk about it." What else is he supposed to say, anyway?
Anakin couldn't be more grateful when his comm beeps with a message. He pulls it out to look at it automatically, using the opportunity to put as much distance between them as possible without looking suspicious. It's from Obi-Wan, telling him to get back to the Temple since he has an... urgent mission to go on. Apparently. "I need – to go," Anakin blurts out, "Obi-Wan is calling me."
Anakin is beyond grateful that Palpatine lets him leave – he didn't think he would, and he's spiraling fast enough that he doesn't know how much longer he'd be able to stay there without panicking.
His fear is erratic, sometimes enough to make him freeze up, but normally, it floods him with energy, too much energy, so much that it feels like he's trapped in his own mind, struggling to break through this haze of fear and it feels like he's losing his mind.
And that's what it feels like, like he's losing his mind because there's an irrational part of him that suddenly feels bad for betraying Sidious even though it was Sidious who betrayed him years ago. Either way, he feels sick with himself, and he hasn't felt that way since he was Vader, so he can only hope it doesn't mean he's falling back into that. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to go back to being that. He doesn't want to become a monster again. He just...
His hands are shaking when he flies his way back to the Temple, and he really doesn't remember what the Council told him about the mission. He thinks it was at a holotable somewhere, but he could be wrong. Either way, he doesn't really remember – he was too busy watching shadows like they might jump out at him, which is stupid because it's not as if anything can hurt him now.
He can't stop feeling Sidious touching him and it makes him feel dirty but he kind of always does now, and he doesn't want to... be what he has been.
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