Lily's P.O.V.
Dear Diary,
well today (3rd January) I did something I haven't done in years. Something I was to afraid to do to meet the truth. I read through all of my past entries, and I realized something. I realized ... that... nothing is getting better. nothing! I swore I'd never read through them again because I don't like to be reminded of what my life was and is like. I bought a diary to try to cope with my emotions and daily struggles. I bought this to try to put my thoughts on a piece of paper, to let them out and reading through those entries was a mistake. It's so much like someone shoved a t.v in front of me and forced me to watch the pathetic life of mine. why is life so hard? why do some people have everything, some don't? Deep down I want to be normal and happy again, but unfortunately with the life I lead that is quite impossible. You know? There been a lot on my mind lately , suicide mostly.Asphalt to me has never looked so soft, railways never looked so inviting, blood draining from my veins never sounded so relaxing. But, can I still get into heaven if I even choose to commit suicide? If not then to the unreasonable god or whoever is up there, fuck yourself.
I sighted deeply as I shut my diary shut, I was getting to worked up and I need to calm down or else I'm going to end up having a panic attack. Stupid anxiety.
It's only morning and I'm on the verge of breaking down, worse to say, everyone has been all over me lately, Louis and Harry mostly, they keep asking me so much questions like how I feel, and I'm not gona lie, it stresses me out. A lot. I just want to be alone but they do not understand that, sighting I ran my fingers through my head. Mum and Dad have postponed their wedding to later this month, which gives me time to pack my bags and run the hell out of here.
I don't really know how I feel. I feel so much pain that I just don't feel anything any more. Numbness surrounds me. It's a part of me.
Why am I wasting myself, it's obvious I will not get better, why carry on? because my so called family want me here? it's not their choice.
It's mine.
Anyway, people tell you to do what makes you happy right? right?
Plus no one ever gave me a better option.
Well that doesn't matter any more, in 4 months I'm 15, after that 365 days more and I'm packing my bags and leaving this place, without looking back.
Some times, I wish upon a star. To take away the pain, to free me up into the air. Delighted.
So, what should I do? Sit here and think. No. Thinking is not good. It only leads to over thinking which leads to bigger problems. Which is quite ironic when people say, do things that takes your mind of things, which is 10x harder when nothing brings you any piece of joy. Theres that feeling fulfilment, you just don't like doing anything any more. Anything that interested you just dissapered till the point your sat there, starring at your wall, battling that awful mind of yours. How are you even supposed to function when your own brain can't function properly?
"Hey Lily?" I snapped my head towards the door, not having to expected someone.
"Hmm" I hummed back to Liam, not really interested in what he had to say.
"You ate breakfast?" I sighted silently, I haven't yet ate breakfast, and I know he is only worried about me. But still. Something like that really annoys me.
"Yes" I said confidently.
"You sure? Haven't seen you downstairs yet."
I bit the inside of my cheek to prevent myself to argue back with him. Of course I haven't ate breakfast. And I'm not planning to either.
"I had it early in the morning" I lied simply shrugging my shoulders.
"Ahh I see" I heard him say, bearing in mind my back was turned to him. His voice still sounded unconvinced.
Just leave. I pleaded in my head.
"Sure you don't want anything?" I let out a aggravated breath. If I wanted something I would of ate by now and not be talking to you.
"Sure" I spat out.
"Oh"
"Okay then" his low voice bounced around my room.
Silence filled the room and hung around between us, I on the other hand was already planning how to get him out of my room, silence not bothering me at all, since, I'm used to it.
I hate it when people ask me questions about food, it disgusts me.
Very. But they don't understand, it also sucks how quick people give up on me to.
"Come on Lily" He pleaded one more time" I sucked in a breath; "no!" I stated Turning myself away from him.
"Fine. But don't be complaining to me when you have a tube stuck down your throat" He simply says and walks out of my room, slamming the door in anger.
To be fair I felt quite bad. Liam has never ever, snapped or even gave up on me like that. I soon started to feel really guilt for my actions, however I can't just control them.
They are all slowly giving up on me, I can see that clearly, everyday,they are slowly drifting further away from me. Even if they don't realize that themselves. I see it. And though it hurts, that's really what I wanted all along. And even though every ounce of my body hates my family sometimes, my heart will always beat on for them. They would not be a day where my heart would give up on my family. Deep inside of me I know I'll love them, and I know I do. Just because my mind seems to ignore that, I shouldn't ignore my heart. It's beats in the same rythem as everyone else. My family are apart of me. And how much I hate them now, that doesn't matter, because I know, in the end, I do love them with all of my heart.
And I really thinks that's all that matters.
I'd rather be dead. Yes.
But even with all the hatred and pain, I will love them. I can't blame them for this, I wanted them all to leave, maybe it's for their own good. And now that they are, I have no idea what to think of it.
It's a cycle that lures you into darkness. Demolishes everything you ever had until you have nothing left. Nothing left! All you'll have left is a beating heart, thumping against your chest. You might choose to listen the beat and frankly realize, that you still have a purpose. You can choose to walk along to the pulse of your heart beat. Listen to it beat as every second or even minute flies by. It's beating exactly the same as everyone here on Earth. You then realize that we are all just human, and how quickly just we can be torn apart. But you heart stays with you to the very last second. It never gives up on you even when you give up on yourself, because you are worth the life you live, in many different ways that you cant imagine. Darkness can sometimes make you very blind. Why do you think so many people regret ever trying to take their own life? Simply because that's when darkness won, so they actually then saw every purpose there life held. It's really hard to get out of this stage. I know it really sucks and I know it's almost impossible to think that way, because darkness is the only thing blocking out the good. So how can you live when you simply want to be dead?...
***
"Thank you" I sad, taking the last spoon full of food into my mouth, whilst clumsily standing up, and walking over towards the kitchen with the plate in one of my hands.
As the dishwasher is full at the minute, I placed my dirty plate in the sink, whilst going over to the cupboard we keep our cups in.
I always only think why on Earth would you place the cupboard so high. There are small people on this planet too.
Sighting, I put my hands on the counter, ready to my daily routine of climbing cabinets. How exciting.
Just as i was about to pull myself up, someone's hand reached into the cupboard and got the cup out for me, holding it in front of my face.
By the hand I could tell this was Harry, thanks to the many tattoos on his arm.
"Thank you" I whispered turning around and politely taking the mug out of his hands. He gave me a grateful smile back, making me smile back to him.
Maybe I should at least try to make things better. Maybe I should stop holding grudges against people and forgive. Maybe I could at least try to have my life back, try to rejoin with myself who I have lost years ago.
"Would you like a drink?" I Politely ask Harry, he nicely turns down my offer, saying he is too full at the very minute.
I shrug my shoulders playfully, whilst I sip on my drink. Harry looks so much happier right now, and I think it's because I'm actually making the effort to talk to him. Which makes me feel happy also.
After a few minutes of actually nice silence, Harry speaks up.
"Fancy watching a Disney movie tonight?"
I immediately smiled, nodding my head, whilst almost shouting the words yes!
Harry eyes literally light up, as he walked over ans gave me a tight hug. "I really missed you Lily" He said against my head. I wrapped my hands more tightly around him, letting out a breath "I missed you too, Harry".
Louis's P.O.V.
Maybe I should just let it go?
Harry and Lily look like they are trying to build their relationship back up. I can't just go in and worry both of them. I can't just cause more drama between them. Harry really missed Lily, and I should really respect his feelings right now.
But then again, the other piece of this note I held so tightly in my hand, was screaming at me to confront it to them.
I just couldn't do that right now. Lily.is trying.to get better, things would most likely only break her more.
But maybe in the long run it would protect her more? I have no idea what to think about this. Or to even do. Should I just forget about if and move on.
But these words are not leaving me alone.
"Don't hide sweetheart, we know where you are"
What if this wasn't directed to Lily after all.
Maybe find other parts of the letter would really help. But I don't want to burden Harry with it, you can see how happy he is with Lily right now. I know Lily has a good chance at holding grudges against you for ages, example like she does with Harry. But he loves he nevertheless. And theres never a day he doesn't think about his family. I can't just brake the bond they are trying so hard to fix.
That's just cruel.
Maybe I should just leave this to myself, and if its really needed tell Harry. But really, I wouldn't want to do that, everything is seeming to get better in their family. Mum and Dad are getting re-married, Gemma graduated from Uni, Lily's getting better.
I can not ruin this right now. Not right now anyway.
Walking out of the living room, I headed upstairs, collapsing on my bed and letting my mind and body rest for awhile. It's a tough decision, but I think I'm gonna let it go for now.