— So Fucking Lost
SOMETIMES IN THIS cruel world, you feel so fucking lost. Those were one of these days for Violetta. She sat on Effy's bed with her knees pulled up the her chest. Her mind couldn't help but flash horrible pictures of Chris dying in her mind.
Effy put her hair into a single plait while she stared forward. Violetta wiped away a tear that rolled down her cheek. She'd been thinking way to much.
"It'll be okay, Violetta," Effy assured her while she tied end of the braid up. She patted Violetta's shoulders and the girl turned to her, unamused.
Violetta hasn't really talked to anyone. Maxxie and Anwar have call nonstop, along with Michelle and Jal a couple times. They were all concerned because she'd seen it. It was understandable that she struggled with the mental images that popped up all of the time.
"I saw him dead, Effy. That shit... that shit fucking
kills me," Violetta stammered and Effy nodded with understanding. "I wish I wasn't there. I wish I didn't see it."
"I know," Effy deadpanned, standing up. Violetta huffed and folded her arms. "You'll be fine. Sid is coming back."
"He left?"
"When you fell asleep," Effy responded while she began brushing her hair out. "He slept with your boyfriend naked, by the way."
"Bummer. I could've gotten pictures," Violetta pouted causing Effy to giggle at her.
"You know you snore when you sleep. And mumble about my brother a whole ton," Effy told Violetta and her cheeks went pink. She began to put on mascara while Effy tied her hair up. "You were complaining about not being his girlfriend."
Violetta chuckled at her, but she knew it was true. Especially after what Effy had said. She finished her mascara and went downstairs to find Sid yelling.
"What's the matter?" Violetta asked catching both boys attention. Sid looked over to Tony worriedly and he sighed looking back at Violetta with soft eyes.
"Chris's dad doesn't want any of us at the funeral," Tony told her and she scoffed. Both guys knew she was upset, but said nothing as she sat down, now in a pissy mood. "I'm sure if we talk to him—"
"He's a psycho!" Sid interrupted, not letting Tony finish whatever he was going to say. Violetta sighed and glanced at Sid, noticing how frustrated he was.
"Right," Tony mumbled as Violetta took his cup and sipped the coffee he drank.
"Chris is our friend. You know, it's our funeral!" Sid shouted and Violetta slid the cup back over to Tony, who took it.
"Don't take it so personally. He's just throwing his weight around," Tony assured Sid. Sid turned around and looked to the boy incredulously.
"Fuck you," Sid spat at him.Violetta rolled her eyes at his very poor timing. Boys always had poor timing when arguing.
"No Sid. I know how you feel," Tony stated calmly. Sid didn't seem to be having this nonchalant bullshit right now.
"Like you do! You don't know how I feel these days— Postcards, fucking results, and dads. And now we're not even allowed to bury our friend. And you don't even care!" Sid shouted in a rant that made Violetta's head absolutely spin.
"So why are you here? Sid, what do you want me to do?" Tony asked with frustration. Violetta sat in the middle, awkwardly of course.
"No... I didn't... I don't know," Sid stammered turning back around. Violetta looked at Tony, who picked up the postcard Sid received. "It's just, I never get to say goodbye."
"Sid," Tony began making the boy look to him.
"But, you know, you're right. Sid and Tony. Tony and Sid, it's pathetic. Me coming to you all the time, hoping for what? What am I? Your fucking-" Sid tried to continue, but Tony cut him off.
"Look, it's fine. We'll have our own funeral," Tony proposed and Violetta furrowed her eyebrows, now tuning back into their conversation after zoning out.
"Oh yeah. Great. A funeral with no coffin and then we'll sit around and sing kum-by-fucking-ah," Sid said making Violetta think about that. Chris would quite like that actually. He'd be laughing at all of them.
"So let's steal it," Tony suggested earning a scoff from Violetta. Sid turned around with his whole face scrunched up. What was this wanker on about?
"What?" Sid quizzed, not sure if he heard Tony correctly or understood what he meant.
"Let's steal the coffin," Tony repeated again slower, looking surprised by his own words. Violetta took a deep breath and looked over to Sid with the same look. "We're gonna steal Chris's funeral."
✺ ✺ ✺
SURPRISINGLY, STEALING CHRIS was very easy. Too easy. The car that Tony, Violetta, and Sid rode in would get many stares because of the coffin that sat on top of the car, but it was a matter of urgency.
Sid hung out the window and made sure everything was secure. "Get in you tit," Tony scolded him and Sid did so. The boys only laughed, but Violetta felt odd with Chris's dead body being right above them.
"Fuck. He's really gone," Sid remarked as their laughter died down. "You know we could get into real trouble for this. It might be really stupid and—"
"We need to say goodbye, Sid," Tony responded with a harsh tone. "We all do."
"Chris would've had a ball with this. If everyone did so much to say goodbye one last time. I think he's laughing at us right now, wherever he's at," Violetta said, giving her input after a while of not speaking. If someone would of asked her a year ago if she'd ever steal a dead body, it would be a no, but now? It was Chris. So, fuck it. "It's pretty fucking stupid though."
"The thing is, after this, there's fuck all to say goodbye to. Chris, gone. Dad, gone. Fucking Cassie. And you and me we're..." Sid trailed off realizing this was thoroughly about Tony.
"Yeah, what are we Sid?" Tony asked which Sid was about to reply to when a car began honking behind them. Violetta whipped around.
"It's his dad!" Violetta alerted them.
"All under control," Tony assured her before switching gears and going full speed ahead.
The car swerved at each corner, making the wheels screech each time. Violetta felt her stomach drop at each crazy turn Tony made. Sid began to panic giving instructions for Tony. As soon as Violetta knew it, Tony was driving down a flight of stair and then they were back on the main road. They lost them.
✺ ✺ ✺
VIOLETTA SAT ON the couch with a confused face as she stared at the coffin in front of her. She wasn't entirely sure how to feel, but at the moment she didn't feel sad.
"Anyone though what's gonna happen to those fish?" Sid asked pointing at the tank Maxxie and James leaned over. "I mean someone's gotta take 'em."
The door opened revealing Jal and Michelle which made Tony and Sid cover up the coffin with their bodies.
"We had a really good morning," Michelle announced waving to Violetta. She waved back awkwardly, not really sure how to act with a coffin in the room. Natural, she supposed. "Is that what I...?"
Jal peered around Tony and seen it for herself. Michelle looked at all of them like they were crazy.
"What the fuck is that doing here?" Michelle fumed and Violetta sighed, leaning back. God, she didn't want anymore arguing over this shit.
"Funny story actually. Chris's dad came to see me, and he said we couldn't go to the funeral because we're all junkies, so I went to Tony and Tony said to me—" Sid went on and one before he cut off by Jal.
"What the fuck have you done?" Jal asked sadly, looking behind the two boys with tearful eyes.
"The thing is Jal—"
"Give it back," Jal ordered, her voice soft and pleading. Violetta rose up just from the sound of her voice.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" Michelle asked angrily, her voice raised. She turned to Violetta with a surprised face. "And you let them?"
"You heard what we said. He wouldn't bury Chris as Chris," Sid said before Violetta could answer Michelle. She did let them do it, but she wanted to say goodbye, too. "This is for Chris, we did this for Chris."
"You did it for who?" Jal quizzed, now angry herself. "What right have you? You stupid, stupid..."
"You're not listening, Jal, at least hear him out," Violetta said breaking the silence and Jal rolled her eyes.
"The blonde in you always bleeds out, doesn't it? You're not listening, none of you three. There's other ways to do this. Give it back. Now!" Jal ordered and Violetta backed down nodding her head, conforming to what Jal said.
"But—" Tony said, his words being halted by Michelle.
"Tony! Do what she says!" Michelle demanded.
✺ ✺ ✺
VIOLETTA GRIPPED ONTO Tony's hand while they, along with everyone of Chris's friends, watched from afar at Chris's burial sight. It was a very hard thing to watch.
"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believeth in me, though he were dead sayeth the Lord, yet he shall live," the man said while they all watched sadly. "Deliver your servant, Christopher. Oh sorvereign Lord—"
"I was thinking about Chris would want me to say today." Jal said beginning her speech. This was the closure they needed. From Jal, his beloved girlfriend, surrounded by people he actually loved. Violetta looked down at the casket then up to the blue and sunny sky.
"The advice he'd give me. Which would be something like, 'Know what babe, fuck it.' These guys know all about me. Tell them something different. So I thought I'd say something about a hero of Chris's, a man called Captain Joe Kittinger. In 1960, climbing into a foil balloon, Captain Joe ascended thirty two kilometers into the stratosphere..."
Violetta sniffled as she watched the coffin lower into the ground, the grief washing over her in agonizing waves that made her push back tears.
"...and then, armed only with a parachute, he jumped out. He fell for four minutes and thirty six seconds, reaching seven hundred and fourteen miles per hour, before opening his parachute five km above the earth. It had never been done before, and had never been done since. He did it just because he could. And that's why Chris loved him. Because the thing about Chris was... He said yes. He said he's to everything. He loved everyone. He was the bravest boy, man, I knew. And that was... He slung himself out of a foil balloon everyday. Because he could. Because he was. And that's why... and that's why... we... we love him."
And the planned fireworks went off. Violetta wiped away her tears and looked up at the red bursts of flame. This was it. This was the final goodbye of Christopher Miles. Monkey Man. Violetta and Cassie's flatmate, and a truly amazing friend.
✺ ✺ ✺
VIOLETTA LEANED BACK while the group prepared to share results. Tony held the bag out for
Violetta to drop her envelope in. He stomach had been turning at the thought of failing. She'd been so caught up in life this year, she wasn't positive on how she'd do.
The fire warmed up her cheeks, adding to the rosy color that blossomed from her her nerves. She was mentally preparing for the worst, when in reality she usually did quite good.
"You know, Chris would want us to have a party. A proper blowout, before you guys all leave," Anwar suggested and Violetta sighed at the thought of spending some of their last moments wasted. That sold her immediately, but her schedule was packed.
"But, mate, I'm leaving tonight," Maxxie reminded Anwar, but his face was blank with confusion. This made everything come to all of them this was it. No more parties, at college anyways, and no more them.
"Tonight?" Anwar asked, his lips parted in shock. Violetta caught Tony's eye, making him send her a wink. The moonlight mixed with the orange embers made him look beautiful.
"Yeah, me and James are on the late coach to London," Maxxie explained before holding Tony's lighter he'd borrowed out to him. "Here you go, Tone."
"Truth is Anwar, we're all busy, maybe at Christmas, when we come back, yeah?" Tony asked and Anwar still stayed silent for a moment while Tony cozied up with Violetta before shaking the bag up. "Right then. No peeking."
Tony held out the bag of all of their results for Sid to draw from. He reached and Violetta prayed she wouldn't be first.
"Tony," Sid announced before opening the linen colored envelope quickly. "Three A's and a B. Cardiff it is then."
"Yeah and if anyone gets me a baa-baa-fuck-sheep. I'll kill them," Tony quipped making Violetta laugh from beside him. Her nerves made it come out shaky.
"So, who's next?" Sid asked Maxxie while he picked out of the bag. His arm drew one out and he glanced toward Violetta making her pick at the skin around her nail.
"Violetta," Maxxie announced to them all making him raise his eyebrows at the girl. It was strange how they grew so distant. Her heart clenched at the thought of losing Maxxie for good. She adored him so much, it hurt. Maxxie read the results slowly and hummed. "Well, miss fifth in her class, two A's and two B's."
The group around Violetta clapped, but she looked down kind of nervous. Was that enough to get her into the same school as Tony? She hoped, but worst comes to worst they do long distance. The thought made her insides squirm. Tony noticed her discomfort and held her close to him with a smile.
Michelle took the bag and opened it, she looked over to Maxxie. "Maxxie. B, E."
"E, B," Maxxie repeated and chuckled. "Not bad, I be, I be."
Violetta was tossed the bag and she caught it, eager to dig for a letter, only a few left. She picked one up and read it off and smiled at Sid before opening it.
"Ooh, Sidney, B and two C's," Violetta bubbled at the results since this was Sid they were all taking about, he didn't always put his best foot forward, but when he tried, he did pretty good. The girl handed the bag to Sid and he took it, digging for a letter.
"Ahmmm... Jalander," Sid announced to everyone. He unsealed it quickly. "Two A's and a C!"
Violetta cheered for the girl, trying to brighten up the look on her face, but of course that didn't work. She'd just lost her boyfriend after all. The bag was now in Tony's hands.
"Michelle," Tony told everyone and Violetta gave Michelle a cheery grin since she knew how it felt to possibly get terrible grades read out loud. "B, A, A."
"Ah, good job!" Violetta said excitedly for her and squeezed her knee since she'd been right by her.
"Hang on, there's still one left," Maxxie alerted them while he grabbed the last one out. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked around with confusion. "Anwar. Where's he gone?"
"They'll be fine, he worked really hard," Sid assured everyone as Maxxie noticed they've already been opened. Maxxie's expression did not reflect good grades.
"Two E's and a U," Maxxie announced and Violetta raised her eyebrows in surprise. She always thought Anwar was a good student. "How fine is that?"
Violetta took another glance around the group and really took them all in. These would be the friends she'd tell her children about, and rave about her crazy college days. She'd tell them about Chris and how to be free spirited like him and tell them how easy it is to take everything for granted. This was the beginning of the rest of her life and despite the loss of Chris, Violetta felt comfortable and loved.
✺ ✺ ✺
VIOLETTA HELD TONY'S as they walked up to the airport. Her heart pattered sadly in her chest at the thought of saying goodbye to yet another friend. At least this one she could visit while she could only see one in her dreams.
"Right, so this is it," Tony said with a hard to read tone. He'd been nervous for sure. This was his life long bestfriend he was dropping off to fly to New York in the states.
"Right," Sid responded awkwardly.
"Good luck," Tony offered which made Violetta
scoff making both of them look to her with quizzing looks.
"Would you like me to step away so you can cry and hug with one another?" Violetta asked sarcastically as if they couldn't do an actual goodbye in front of her.
"Right. Yeah," Sid mumbled before looking back up to Tony with a bit more confidence. "Thanks for the ticket."
The silence lingered a little longer and Sid picked up his bag. He gave Violetta a fleeting smile, as if this wasn't an end of an amazing era. There was a time Violetta and Sid would talk about their love for Michelle and Tony. Even then, Sid had considered her a bestfriend.
For the longest time it was those three. Violetta, the first girl both boys had truly cared for, Sid, the boy both Violetta and Tony felt brotherly love for, and then Tony, he'd always been the leader which Sid and Violetta had always followed.
Sid began to walk away and Violetta crossed her arms, moving into Tony's side. It was only moments before Sid was through the revolving door and back making the blonde chuckle at him.
"Tony, Violetta..." Sid began, but he was cut off by Tony.
"I know," Tony blurted out before Sid could say another word. "Three things Sid. One, get rid of that hat. It makes you look stupid." He snatched the hat from off of Sid's head. "Two..." Tony kissed Sid's forehead with brotherly love. "... I've always loved you the best, Sid, beside Violetta of course. Three... I can't think of three."
Tony lunged into a hug with Sid, holding him close. Violetta's heart swelled at the scene of the two boys. They have been only two out of the five boys she loved so much. Tony, Sid, Maxxie, Anwar, and Chris.
Violetta let out a small sob, her thumb gliding the tears away from her cheeks. "I want to hug and cry, too!"
Both boys made room and let her join in on the hug, she nuzzled into Sid the most since she'd be the one she'd miss since Tony would surely be stuck up her ass at Cardiff. The girl seen no other option.
"Can all remaining passengers for flight AZ184 to New York, please proceed immediately to check out desk seventeen.
"Three, I'm gonna miss my flight," Sid joked since Tony didn't have all three things. Violetta chuckled, pulling away with some of her blonde hair sticking to her tear stained cheeks. Finally, Sid left.
Tony watched him go with tears rolling down his cheeks. Violetta sighed sadly and gripped his hands dragging his eyes away from the doors. This time, he hugged Violetta with a bone crushing grip and she returned it with some of her strength.
Violeta's pulled away and plucked the tears away with her soft hands, gliding over his cheeks.
"Let's go home," Violetta whispered between them. He nodded and grabbed her hand while they walked back to the car together. It was just them against the whole world. Just them.
...THE ARCHER