Since it had been a couple of weeks since we last spent time together. I received Maverick's gift just yesterday. Today however, plans had changed yet again. We had made plans to go to navy pier but with our work schedules causing conflict, I found myself invited to a bar. We kept in contact through text messages and although it might come across as creepy to some, whenever I found myself thinking over Maverick, I'd grab the walkman and hit play.
Now that we were about to meet up again, it strangely felt like meeting him for the first time all over again. I thought of his soft curls, his guarded eyes and that fucking smile. That smile could end armies. Of course, that probably wasn't accurate but man, that smile.
The red line got me in the right direction but it was still a few blocks of a walk. The area was pretty busy since the meet up time was right around rush hour. I almost walked right by the building because it hadn't been too often that I ventured in this part of town. It was in a strip mall and there was a pride flag at the front door. Which both terrified and comforted me.
This would be the first time I'd ever gone to gay bar alone. I thought of inviting Thom, but like Kyra, he was swamped with work. Avery had crossed my mind. I just hadn't been able to catch him in person. There may have been somewhat of an irrational fear of calling him at a bad time. Avery still went to important meetings. I wasn't sure what he was cooking up yet.
Ryker might've been a disaster but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I send an invite - via text.
The inside wasn't about to blow anyone's mind. It was modern and pretty busy. The staff were mostly women in black shirts. There were the expected barstools lined up right where all the action took place. I realized that this was a cocktail bar. I was pretty sure this place got even more packed at night. There were tables outside but no chairs, which made sense to me. It was a cold day.
I started to search the long room for anyone I knew. I knew I wasn't the one invited. There were wine bottles stylishly stacked against the wall and so many unopened bottles of liquor. Some of which I did not recognize. I was busy checking out the light fixtures, which were like a chandelier but in a sphere.
"Brayden! Over here!"
I snapped my head whatever direction my name was being called. Sure enough, just further down the bartop was Andrew waving me over. I saw Wren and several other faces I'd met before. Wren was busy chatting up a woman dressed in a beanie and a flannel. Before I could make my way over, someone had turned the disco ball on. I found myself a little dazzled by it. A well known song Dancing Queen by ABBA was playing.
I was looking up and the smile of surprise on my face was just starting to return to normal when I looked back down. Maverick was standing in the distance of the crowd, just on the other side of the room from me. Could this have gotten any cheesier? It did.
Maverick had an expression of awe at first and then there was a look of something like bedroom eyes. In the now poor lighting, I could just be seeing things. I also felt shy. Like maybe I was 14 and I found myself in the presence of my crush. It didn't last long. I found myself making my way over to him. Maverick wore a checkered unbuttoned shirt over a black band shirt. He wore jeans which he had his hands shoved in the pockets of. His hair was a mess but not in a bad way.
The music was so loud so I knew talking was going to take an effort. I felt the pull though. Like Maverick was gravitation and I was caught in gravity's pull. It wasn't enough to mute the noise and I wasn't blind to how busy it was. It wasn't like everyone suddenly slowed down all around us. Life simply, just went on.
Maverick did not move, even when I finally reached him. Now that I found myself having to suddenly look a little up at him, I started to feel shy again. I pushed those feelings down. Like, come on, you know this guy. It's not a big deal!
Someone hugged me though. Maverick's expression changed to something like worry or shock. He almost stepped forward but held back once he saw who it was.
"I love you."
Oh my god. "I love you too but I thought you couldn't make it."
"I lied." Kyra said and she still hadn't let me go. She was beyond drunk. Since I was spun to face a different direction, I was able to see who else was there. Wren wore a short yellow dress that only went down to the middle of her thighs. Her shoulders were bare. Her hair was chopped a little shorter than last time I'd seen her. She didn't wear a lot of makeup, not that she needed to. She was just sitting sideways on her stool smiling kindly at this.
Andrew was also sitting sideways but he was on the opposite side of Wren. He wore a light blue shirt with most of the buttons unbuttoned. It was enough to show off plenty of his chest. What a fine chest it was! His eyes looked a little glazed over, like Wrens.
Steve was also there. Steve was also hugging Kyra from behind to hug me as well. It would have been awkward without Kyra there. I saw Maverick just to my left shift and lean forward towards the bar.
"Don't be mad," Kyra said. She still hadn't let go. "I told him one of your favorite drinks." I tried to look appalled but she wouldn't be able to see it.
Steve had let go. He wore a light brown beanie and dress shirt with a loose tie. "We're just getting started. We're heading to Delilah's. Bar hopping. Oh joy.
"Am I late?" If things had gotten this wild already...
"No? We were just early." Kyra finally let go too. "You're not mad right?"
"Nope." This time I was the one who hugged her. She seemed surprised. I looked over towards the others, "What did you give her?"
"Vodka," Both Wren and Steve said together.
I was going to have to keep a very special eye on her tonight. The woman had projectile vomited in places that I could never explain. I guided her back to her seat, well what I thought was her seat. A curly haired blonde woman had just vacated it by the brick wall. Kyra just smiled at everything.
Someone had asked behind me, "Have I missed anything?"
"Ryker!" Kyra shot right out of her seat and gave out another hug.
I felt a tad alarmed but also relieved. Ryker looked like he had just gotten off work too minus the sweat. He just wore a plain white shirt. His blonde hair looked like he had run his fingers through it one too many times. There was a soft smile on his lips with a knowing glance.
"Vodka," we both said to each other in unison.
Maverick carefully stepped around Ryker to bring me my drink. He seemed like the most sober of us all. I had a feeling that was the intention. I made a quiet note to myself to not get too wasted. Besides, I had a preference to drink at home or at a close friend's house with no intention of going anywhere else. I'd heard too many horror stories that weren't just about drunk driving. Like when Kyra was with friends out in New Orleans. They were all pretty drunk out of their minds but they had no idea that they were being followed. Kyra wasn't the only one who was a victim of pickpocketing.
Some caution can go a long way, Kyra said sometime after that incident.
I took a careful sip, knowing how risky it could be when not getting a drink yourself, but I trusted Maverick. If he had any such history, Thom would have found out about it. I learned early, never underestimate Thom. He even cautioned me against my ex.
Maverick leaned back against the wall with a bottle of mineral water. He sipped gingerly as he took in a crowd of very rowdy people near the front entrance. I could see how he got his previous job working as security. He was able to watch without letting anyone know that he was watching.
He did catch me watching though. "What?"
I just asked, "How early were you guys?"
"Around 30 minutes or so. That girl can throw back shots like crazy." He motioned over to Kyra. Kyra was hugging Wren now. Wren looked a tad uncomfortable but kept a welcoming smile.
I commented while keeping an eye on the rowdy crowd too while watching Kyra sway in Wren's arms, "She does teach fifth grade afterall."
"Maybe I should pick up her tab." He looked like his mind had already been made up. I appreciated that more than he could know. Teachers of any grade were one of the unsung heroes. Highly underpaid and overworked.
Ryker was quietly on his phone, text messaging someone. I assumed it was his Thom and Avery. He glanced up every now and then, as if keeping a close eye on Maverick and me. The disco ball started to spin and that's when some music from a different decade started to play.
Maverick was now leaning forward with one of the bartenders and Ryker scooted over beside me. "How have you been?" Ryker wasn't the one I talked to the least. That was Avery but Ryker had always felt like another big brother to me. We had no problem referring to each other as brothers in law since Thom and I were so close.
"I'm ok." I was not quite sure what the implication meant. If there was one. "I know you've been working your ass off lately. Hopefully you've still been able to keep an eye on Thom. He still forgets to eat and will fall asleep sitting up." Like anywhere. That man could fall asleep in less than 3 seconds.
"Yeah but I was more so referring to you. You look like you're starting to get back out there again." I might have almost winced at that. It was true, I just hadn't fully realized that until he pointed that out. "Like you're getting back to yourself again, only more improved. You're letting yourself get more socially involved again. I hope you realize how nice that is to see."
I thought about teasing him about how he must be sick of seeing me over at their place all the time and not having anywhere else to go. But I decided to just skip all that. "I'll accept the compliment but you're sure Thom had his dinner right?"
"And dessert." He winked.
If he wasn't already my brother in law, I would go into detail of how attractive the man actually is. He had a bit of an Australian accent with some notable exotic features. All in all, marriage looked well on him. We fell into an easy conversation after that. It was a mixture of work and recipe ideas.
Ryker had to saunter off to look after Kyra and Andrew took his place. I did not even bother to mask my delight. Even though we had only met once, Andrew being as charismatic as he was, I found his company welcoming. He took a chair that had also been vacated. Our backs were to the brick wall.
What started off as small talk soon turned into an intelligent one on human behavior. He may never cease to amaze me. Until he sort of dropped a bombshell on me. "I read your book." When he saw the look of alarm on my face he threw in, "Sorry, Maverick brought it up to me not long after we first met. I couldn't help myself."
I braced myself for the worst, I always did. "So then, what was wrong with it?" I was open to constructive criticism.
He didn't hold back but he was polite about it. "For starters I thought it was pretty good. Plot heavy and that's usually not my normal read. I tend to favor nonfiction like biographies but the way you wrote it, like it was really personal. Sort of like reading a diary. It's just the romance was kind of stiff."
I heard this before so I took no great offense to it. "They say to write what you know. I've only ever been in one real relationship and that when I look back at it, was passionless." Maybe that was the problem. "Who knows, if I ever let myself in a real one maybe that can change." I took a big gulp of my Rye Whisky.
It was easy to read his expression. He did not look surprised to hear this. "Uh oh." I started by gesturing my hands at my face so that I could read his expression. "How did that get out? Not that it was super private. I mean shit happens right?"
I might have tried to laugh at that but I knew it would only sound awkward.
"Maverick talks about you a lot." He said and I did my best not to look too deep into this. Something might have shown on my face because the topic took a slightly different direction. Relationships of course but in a way that did not involve any of my feelings.
It was during this conversation that I realized, I am changing. The things Andrew said he wanted in a relationship, I could see myself with someone like him. This is something I haven't thought about in a long time. A deep hunger of that need stirred from somewhere deep inside of me. This time, it didn't make me sad but hopeful.
Hopes though were like bubbles. So pretty but also so fragile. Hope could be cruel. I managed to pull the plug on that and stay engaged in the topic.
"I hope you don't mind me taking notes of this for later."
"Oh you think there will be a sequel?" He looked excited at the prospect.
"I don't want to get your hopes up but maybe not. Maybe if you want, we can exchange information. You obviously have a far better mind for the realm of romance that I could emulate."
He frowned, slightly. Like he wasn't too pleased with something I said. I wasn't sure which part but he clarified it for me. "Romance isn't something to be emulated. I mean, I'm sorry if I'm stomping across a line here. From what I've read and know very little of your experience, romance is something that should be natural. It should never be forced or just thrown in there for the sake of it." He looked like he could go on and on.
So I said, "It looks like I might have some serious competition. Have you considered giving it a spin?" I think he looked panicked, which was an expression I was very familiar with. "No pressure." I hope my expression was reassuring enough.
"No time." He said and that's when I remembered, he had a lot on his plate. Like acting, singing and a little bit of modeling. Modeling, hmm. Even though it would be creepy of me to ask Avery. His face sprang to mind. Surely Avery would know some strings to pull.
"Again, I can't make any promises but I think I can help with something you do enjoy doing."
Andrew looked hesitant and I couldn't blame him. This might not be LA but when you were in a world like that, people would often use each other. I'd seen it in Mason's world and Avery's. That was part of why I kept my little hobby so secretive.
"Also again, no pressure but just let me talk to someone first. If things go well, I'll reach out?"
We exchanged information but it was then that I realized. It wasn't quite the same when I exchanged information with Maverick. Maybe I was getting used to forging new friendships. It's just that, this one didn't make my pulse race. Don't get me wrong, I could see myself with someone like Andrew. He was extremely handsome and smart. It was the latter that truly reeled me in.
"I'm glad I met you." I said and I hoped that didn't sound needy. "But I might actually need you in the future." I was referring to the romance part. "I don't see myself going out looking for romance any time soon, but you are so goddamn smart. So please, expect a book dedication when I actually get there."
His face broke out in a good laugh, which is also something I found attractive about him. The genuinity and those beautiful teeth that went with it. Yeah, I really was changing.
****
Maverick leaned over between Andrew and I a bit. I tried not to react to the feel of his hand on my upper back. "It's time to move guys, this place is wrapping up soon."
"Where are we going again?"
Andrew replied, "Delilahs. It'll be less cramped than here."
"Maybe edgier but they got a big whiskey selection."
"I don't know how I haven't heard of this place." But I knew it had more to do with me being a homebody when it came to drinking time.
It took a little bit of walking and a ride on the Brown line. I also found out quickly what Maverick had meant. It truly felt like we were going into his element. It had a load of character. There was even a pinball machine and it was the kind of bar that I see myself at again.
Patrons seemed to know Maverick well. He was greeted happily by nearly everyone. Especially by a young blue eyed blonde man. I overheard his introduction to Kyra as Cody. He wore a designer black sweater with slacks and a pair of matching shoes. Andrew half hugged him and since Andrew seemed comfortable with him, I figured he was trustworthy too.
Wren gave Cody's ass a squeeze before she passed him by. Steve just did one of those fist bumps before he too slipped away. When it was nearly Ryker's turn (Kyra had clearly decided that she liked Cody and was now hugging him, she was like a sloth on a tree. She couldn't stand up right.) he was on his phone when he turned to me.
"The husbands said the two magic words." I said for him.
He finished with, "Cuddle time."
Ryker excused himself and thanked everyone for a nice time. There was some rock song that just started when everyone started to cheer and clap at. Some were even starting to sing along. I wasn't able to watch Rykers exit.
He also didn't have to say it, because I was able to keep an eye on Kyra when I could. It gave me a great excuse not to get too drunk. I would settle for just tipsy at best. I found myself standing in front of Cody. He had these almost vampire eyes. I felt drawn in but I was able to introduce myself.
Cody looked like he had trouble placing who I was but he was still polite. "Nice to meet you." His voice was smooth and his gaze was maybe a little intense. "Oh, I'm sorry. I need to..." I needed to go after Kyra. She was, well she started to look lost. Everyone had kind of gone their own direction but Andrew.
"Sorry," I said to him. "I've got this." I lifted her arm over my shoulders to help hold her up. She immediately hugged and told me she loved me. "I love you too sweetie."
"You're too precious." For someone as drunk as she was, she did not slur any of her words.
I was just about to turn my attention back towards the entrance where Cody and Maverick were. Cody was dancing with Wren. I'm talking a full on body grind that was making me blush enough to look away. Maverick was nearby with an open beer already in his hand. He took a sip as he watched them with a lustful expression.
"You wanna call it a night?" I asked Kyra. Not because that situation got a little awkward over there but because I just cared about my best friend.
"I think that might be a good idea." She said and visibly tried to sober herself up. Andrew hovered a little. If he offered, I think I would have accepted.
When I turned to maybe get Maverick's attention, Maverick was now dancing with Cody. There was no hiding what I felt. Wren was dancing from behind Cody. It was clear as day, they were all getting laid tonight. I had a pretty good excuse to help Kyra stand and help her make sure that she had everything she needed.
I was also in the process of calling Ryker to come back for some help. We were all going to be having a slumber party at their house. Andrew offered his help. I could see it on his face, he felt sorry for me. Which made the situation suck more. I felt ok with this. I mean, I'd seen worse. I'd seen that intimate side of Maverick. Emotionally, I was better off but the shock with the burning need to run was impossible to ignore.
After my quick call was complete, Ryker hadn't gotten that far away, I found myself looking at Andrew. He looked like he wanted to say something comforting, but he also seemed too familiar with this kind of situation. Before I could steer Kyra back towards the front door, Andrew stepped in.
"We can't help what we feel." He said and it took me a while to let it sink in. "It's messy and it sucks. I'm so sorry."
There was something in my eyes that confirmed something to him when it did finally sink in. He can never know. Andrew was intelligent enough to pick up on that. There was a silent understanding.
Since Kyra was still in my arms, I heard her say, "You have some serious explaining to do tomorrow. Or is it already tomorrow?"
"Not yet." Andrew replied and I was grateful for the lapse in that topic. "Just stay hydrated, you wonderful human being."
"Aww, you're not just pretty. I hope you have nothing but amazing things happening to you."
"And if I already am?"
"Then more amazing things." Her skin tone changed to something that didn't look good. "Get me outside. Please."
Andrew looked like he wanted to help. That was clearly the kind of person that he was. I thanked him for it. He just looked sad as we started our trek back towards the front door. Even if there was another way, I refused to take a different exit. I'd make myself face this one way or another.
Cody and Wren were all over each other but Maverick, he looked like he was just returning. I caught his face and tried to look apologetic as I nearly carried Kyra out the door. He looked like he was ready to help but I just shook my head. I gave a few brisk head nods in the direction of Cody and Wren.
Guilt, shame, apologetic. I wasn't sure which word was proper to explain. Like he forgot and just now realized. Well, he did not owe me anything. That's the answer he was going to get if he were to ask. I would be prepared.
The moment we went outside, Kyra nearly doubled over and took me down with her. I did my best not to look but the smell was unavoidable. I refused to fully go. I did my best to anchor myself in the present. I would ignore everything else, even if it meant my own traitorous feelings. Which made no damned sense to me. I had no reason to be attached and yet I found myself doing what I swore myself off of.
Ryker was lightly jogging his way across the street the moment Kyra was almost able to stand again. She looked pale but the cold air seemed to soothe her.
"Avery is already on the way." He said once he caught up.
"We're going to need an open window too." I said.
The music from the bar behind us went from muffled to a little louder. Someone had just walked out. I just knew who it was without using my eyes. Weird.
Maverick was only 10 feet away and yet, it felt like we were oceans apart. I found myself trying to look apologetic again but really, it was the perfect excuse to leave. I had no right to control his life. Let alone his sex life.
"Sorry." I let the situation speak for itself.
His guarded expression returned. "Are you sure you're going to be ok?"
"Yes, the cold is really helping." Kyra said as she stepped away from me. "I forgot how much I hated vodka."
"Noted." He said.
Ryker was looking like he was trying to read the situation. I could barely admit to myself, so how could I admit it to anyone else? "We'll be ok." I said and I didn't want to be an asshole. "You're free to see us off if you want but I really don't want to ruin your night."
"Oh god, I've ruined your night." Kyra suddenly said. She was leaning her head against the wall of another building. Ryker stood nearby without hovering over her. His eyes were darting from Maverick to me.
"No you didn't." I was telling the truth, and I was going to be extra truthful, I was the one ruining my own night. I had no right to let how Maverick lived his life bother me. I knew better.
"I might be drunk out of my mind but I can still tell when you're lying or not."
I tried to give her a warning look but she was still leaning on the brick wall face first. Ryker was starting to pick up on the situation now and I needed to throw him off. I kept a brave face. "It's not like we'll never see each other again." I said to Maverick.
Relief but also reluctance. Like he wasn't sure he could trust his eyes. Like he wanted to say, you're sure. The death of his best friend had cut deep. I was going to have to expect this. I guess...
"I'll be sleeping over at Thom's and I don't have the morning shift. Feel free to drop by with some lunch?"
Maverick did not look completely sold but I could tell the cold was starting to get to him. The shiver was small. Like he was about to fold his arms. Ryker chose this moment to say, "We've got this." He did not meet Maverick's eyes. Instead his eyes just bore into me. I could feel it.
Maverick hesitantly gazed into mine and I just nodded. "We'll be fine. We're in good hands. It's like when someone catches a cold, it becomes everyone's cold."
That was convincing enough. Maverick took in my words before his eyes shifted over to where Kyra was and then to Ryker behind me. "I'm buying." And that was all he needed to say.
Once he was back inside, I heard Ryker step up behind me. "I'm not blind." I found myself looking guilty and I was on the brink of quoting Andrew.
Instead, I just said the bitter truth. "I can't stand this. Feelings. Why are they so stupid."
Ryker's hands fell over my shoulders as he took me into a warm hug. "I'm just going to say this once. Feelings are not stupid. They make us human."
"Well being human sucks."
"It's totally overrated."
"I don't want this."
"I know."
"I'd be better off with Andrew."
"And I wholeheartedly agree."
"That man might be straight but he's also sexually fluid." Kyra said.
This made both Ryker and I look at her.
She had flipped over on her back. Her head was leaning back as she managed to hold herself up. "Hello drunk but not blind." A soft smile crossed her face. This time I was the one who sought out and hugged her.
"I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?"
"We can't tell you that." I heard Ryker say.
"But we will be here for you." Kyra said.
I had everything I needed, but did I have everything I wanted?