PART THIRTY-NINE !
tongue-tied attachment.
YOU HAD DREAMT OF RAN'S pained screams and Kokonoi's head being popped off by a bullet. subsequently, you even see Izana, Mucho, Hanma and your siblings: Marise, Mars and Tetta bleeding and lifeless. you were chained, dragging weight on your ankles and your wrists, bound and helpless as you watched the people you have grown to love die, and die and die over again, ravaging your skin and bones with its wicked antics.
you woke up in a fit of labored breaths and perspiration, blurry eyes and a pounding heart in your chest ready to explode.
you would have allowed your rising panic to drown you if it wasn't for the warm, and heavy hand holding your own in a vice grip. your eyes slide down to the figure resting beside you, and see Ran's tousled bangs spilling over the blankets, he is hunched over your bedside, legs cramped in a chair that's all too small to accommodate his large physique but he somehow manages to sleep with heavy snores. making your panicked inhales ebb into quiet breaths.
"you know, he refuses to leave you alone."
Rindou is sitting on a chair across the bed, shocking you fleetly. his eyes remain bored but they looked more tamed than usual, more relaxed. the crease that's usually between his brows absent. today, he wears something casual—too casual. no Versace suits, no expensive jeweleries around his thin wrists or debonair outfits: just a plain black tee and matching jeans. he drops his phone and stands,
"thirsty?"
you could only nod your head, Rindou walks over to you, grabs the water and leans down. "carefully, 'kay?" he murmurs. you slowly gulp the refreshing liquid.
"what happened?" you ask, after watching Rindou place the glass down and sits beside you.
"you, Koko and my brother got ambushed, the others went to go rescue you. we are currently in Ginza, in Wakasa's gym. only a few personnel's know this place so you three are safe—and, you've been out for a week."
"a week?"
"you suffered mental strain." he intones with a frown, reaching to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear.
"how are you feeling?" you close your eyes and you remember the dreams, each one like a burning charcoal stuck between the crevice of your head.
"i'm tired." you answer.
Rindou examines your face for a bit, opens his mouth but immediately stops. you didn't notice how his eyes flicker to Ran's tight hold on your hand—then he lifts his eyes to your face, frowns, then distances himself, stands up and clears his throat.
"get some more rest. i'll uh, i'll go talk to Takeomi and tell 'em you're finally conscious. it might take awhile so whenever Ran wakes up, you should go and talk with him. i was able to convince him to go back to his own room after staying with you for hours, he completely changed his mind again when we heard you screaming in your sleep."
Rindou's statement made you freeze. "i'm sorry."
"no, no it's okay. it must've been difficult for you, to do all of that." Rindou stops, licks his lips then looks at you again. "and, thank you."
you were surprised when Rindou bows to you. "thank you for saving my brother back there. he told me what happened, what you had to do.."
"it's nothing."
Rindou is silent, nor does he budge from his position. you almost felt bad, parting your lips to ask him to stop bowing but he says,
"the first time i killed someone with my own hands, i said the exact same thing to Ran."
you remain quiet. Rindou inhales a long breath. "i said that it was nothing, that whatever we do is the same as what we did back when we both ruled Roppongi. the time we killed a gang leader and went to juvie for it and yet i—" he pauses.
"i had to take sleeping pills and i wasn't able to hold a gun properly for almost two weeks without the tremors. i felt, so fucking sick."
"Rindou." you say.
"i didn't say all of that so that you could pity me." he turns his back to you, heading for the door.
"just thought i'd let you know."
you sigh, watching as he exits and leaves you alone to mingle with the silence.
"i didn't know he felt that way." you flinched when you hear Ran speak. his eyes remain close, his snores dwindling into even breaths but the rasp in his voice sounds like he has been awake for awhile now.
you don't leave your eyes from where Rindou retreated, pondering upon what he said. "he's your brother. things like that, he'd probably tell you last. that's what younger siblings usually do."
Ran doesn't respond to you, but the squeeze he gave your hand tells you that he was still awake and listening.
you look down at him. "you should go back to your room too. you heard Rindou, he was worried about you."
"i'm worried about you."
you hate how your heart twists at his words. "that's not your job, to worry about me."
"how can i not worry about you?" he lifts his head, and straightens his position. you had to lean back when he sits up, his eyes are squinted and saddened.
"you were crying in your sleep, for fucks sake. i watched you kill someone before me even though i could have killed them with ease. you were pushed to do all of those things even though you didn't need to."
you shot him a glare, frustration stinging your veins. "you're treating me like a child."
"it's not that i'm babying you, it's just that you're not like us, y/n!"
Ran freezes when he realizes he raised his voice. you looked away before another expression crosses his face, you fumbled with your fingers.
"no you're right. i'm not like you, or Rindou, or Kakucho. i get that." you murmur softly. "but you don't understand that—" it's not my first time killing someone so you don't need to worry about how i feel, how this would affect me. your protectiveness will only cause a misunderstanding.
you left your question hanging. Ran doesn't poke you for more, seemingly he's in his own head too, swamped with conflicts like you.
"you know i—" Ran swallows his breath, he's twirling a nonexistent ring on his finger, probably a nervous habit.
suddenly, you're demotivated to continue the conversation. if Ran knew what you were up to, what your true ulterior motive was, would he still say the same? "i'm tired, Ran. go back to your room."
"y/n."
"what—" you first felt his arms around your shoulders, pulling you close. Ran's lips are on the top of your head, nuzzling you. not a single breath nor a single sound could be heard from him for a very long time, merely basking in your presence.
"stop pushing us away, please." your breath skips a few inhales at his desperate words. you sink further into his shoulder, allowing yourself to be embraced even just for a little moment. you're unsure of what to say to him, distrustful that your current devotion to your revenge would come spilling down your lips the more you look at Ran.
your heart is pounding, confusion and aching in a way that doesn't sit right with you. there's a voice stinging your head, telling you that you are treading dangerous waters.
ah.
you are getting undeniably attached, is what's happening, however you don't pull away from him, fisting his shirt and shutting your eyes till your see stars beneath your eyelids. this hug right now felt like you were being sheltered under the warm, ruffled wings of a mother bird. the warmth injecting hues into your skin, and despite hating it—it felt too comforting to detach from.
you're tongue tied at this predicament, and an utter hypocrite for prolonging this faux play.
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after dallying with Ran and him returning back to his room after much convincing you tried to pick yourself up when the clock strikes midnight. you slip out of your hospital room, restless and with a goal in mind.
you tried to remember what Ran had said to you, the location of Kokonoi's room and after soundlessly and blindly roaming the halls you've reached it, you heave out a sigh and twists the knob, due to the untimely hour the lights were completely absent, only the moonlight careening into the room was your only source. you let your eyes adjust before the silvery illumination gets tangled into one of his stark white strands splayed over the bed.
Kokonoi slumbers peacefully, and your eyes immediately zoned in on his head, where you remembered his wound burn bright beneath your vision, you take a step and his body jolts.
he's straightened up, eyes alert. "who's there?" he orders, voice hard.
"it's just me." you say. and after your voice sifts through his ears his shoulder drops, he relaxes.
"what, why are you here at—" he reaches for his phone, checking the time. "—12:44am?"
"sorry, but can i ask you something?"
an almost breathy exhale was his response, then he stirs a little, enough for him to pat the empty spot on his bed. "don't just stand there, come and sit down."
you make your way over to his makeshift bed, sitting on the edge and facing the window, away from him. your fingers pinch the fabrics of his bedsheet, biting your cheek and contemplating. "why'd you do that?"
"do what?"
"shield me when the car got rammed."
"look at me, y/n." and you tilted your head, enough for you to peek into the corner where you saw him. due to limited light, you cannot tell what kind of smile he offers you in the dim room, but he reaches out and fondly caresses your cheek.
"you're asking this as if you don't want me to save you."
your eyes made contact with his, and he sees reverie glowing in your eyes. his fingers on your cheek hinder, he frown. a fleeting anger shoots across his expression.
"you—"
"answer my question, Kokonoi." you pressed. "you're more important, you know. what the hell would've happened if something bad were to happen to you, if you bled out or even worse, died because of me?"
you mirror the same anger. the frustration, the terror you felt when he went limp and cold in your hold, your desperation to grasp even a sense of Koko back then in that fucking car.
contingencies, and the fear you felt in that dream returns tenfold, holding you on a chokehold that when you lift your hands to circle around his wrists, it almost hurt.
"what if—"
"and if you died instead of me. i don't think i would ever forgive myself." Kokonoi interrupts you. the icy fear comes to a startling halt, you flinch like he had poured cold water on you. he sighs, deeply.
"then, i'll ask you another question then, Koko."
he spares you a glance.
"where is Bonten heading?" you see him flinch at your question, the silence stretching endlessly into a void. his lips thinned, eyes gazing out the window of his room. "what will Bonten do now?" you pressed.
"that.." Kokonoi lets out a breath. "Bonten goes whatever Mikey wishes it would be, this organization follows his will and so do we." he answers simply, but soon after doubt sprouts within his statement, doubt that stayed rooted into both your chests, Bonten is alive as long as Mikey is alive—but then you remember Mikey's sunken, soulless eyes. Mikey's cold demeanor, his sleepwalking tendencies, his pale and thin frame.
"that's enough questions, and go back to your room y/n. it's late." Kokonoi smiles down at you, and despite the rising complaint in your throat you did not let your words fall between your lips.
Mikey won't last that long, you wanted to say, but instead you quipped a short goodnight and left Kokonoi's room with an air of change surrounding you.
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things have changed in a certain degree, and a sense of foreboding lingers like a melodramatic spider waiting to pounce and poke its venomous teeth into your heart. you know things are different now because despite your wounds healing quite slowly, your mind has been nothing but your enemy for the past three days.
you never dream, you never had for the past fourteen years, but your head has alloyed a nightmarish fuel that leaves you awake and hazy, your brother's death, the active attacks from Quoia and your relationship with Bonten.
"i've been stalling in Bonten for too long," you murmur into your palm. maybe you should leave, staying any longer would make things difficult for you and after the revelation of being attached to them, it would make it hard for you to continue your plans to infiltrate Quoia and kill your father.
they had quickly become a weakness to you and you cannot afford any detours, not when you had revolved your entire teen years and early adulthood to killing the people who had wronged you and Marise.
you sigh heavily, rubbing your head and gazing out the window where dusk paints the sky. you needed to contact Hanma again. you needed talk with him again after your encounter with Kiyomasa and what your next course of action would be.
a Quoia higher up is dead, killed by the very hands of Bonten. this'll raise tension that would flicker and flame into war—war between two organizations, and you're still trying to figure out where you stand between the two. you can no longer sit still and watch the flames burn on their own.
a knock on your door pulls you out of your own muddling thoughts. "come in."
what surprised you was Wakasa, his familiar purple-blond locks as he slipped inside your room with an air of nonchalance hanging on his shoulders.
"Wakasa-san."
he sets his gaze at you for a split second, then nods. "you doing alright?"
"yes."
the male sits himself on the extra couch, crossing his legs. "okay. i'll inform Benkei that you're doing well. Haitani Ran just recovered yesterday and Kokonoi as well. Bonten'll cover up your medical expenses then you are free to go back serving Sano."
"okay." you say.
"right."
"why are you still here then Wakas—"
"are you really gonna keep this a secret for the rest of your life?"
your body freezes at his words. Wakasa's purple eyes became dull and heavy, sinking into your soul, picking you apart, one by one.
you faked a laugh. "what do you mean—"
"i'm talking about your affiliations with Hanma Shuji and Ryusei Satou, you traitor."