“yukihiro-san, what would you say if you met hyde-san at a shop?” ask the announcer.
“Ah,” answer yukkie that instantly bring laughter from the crowd. yukkie is smiling listening to the laugh. I’m also smiling; I do enjoy looking at yukkie’s looking shy face. yukkie’s answer is really what he would say if they meet by chance anywhere. yukkie is well known for his quiet and less talk action. yukkie would only show his sweet smile. yukkke is always looking calm, cool, and mature. That’s why I like to come to him and told all of my complaining.
...
“tet-chan is crazy! He kept watched over me like a watch dog! He doesn’t let me do anything!” I moan one day.
“He’s only caring about you. He doesn’t mean bad,” told yukkie. We’re at a restaurant waiting for our orders to come. I’ve called yukkie and asked him out to eat. I know eating isn’t the thing that yukkie usually do, I pray deep that he would agree to eat with me, and when he agrees, I was feeling so happy.
“That’s not the way of caring. He treats me like I’m still a little kid!” I keep protested. yukkie only smiles.
“yukkie-kun is different, wish tet-chan can be more like you,” I said.
“Why do you say that?” our talking was interrupted by the coming of the waiter bringing our orders. I know it’s quite a lot. I can see yukkie is staring at the food, feeling the same way with me. He slowly looks at me.
“Are you sure you can eat all of this?” ask him.
“yukkie-kun is also eating, that’s why I take you here. So, I can feed you. Tell me when the last time you ate?” I ask. yukkie stills, thinking.
“Never mind, let’s eat,” I said. I start to eat a big bowl of noodle. yukkie slowly follows me. I quietly smile. yukkie doesn’t know why I’ve order lot of foods. He may think that I have a big appetite. But the truth was If there are still lots of food left, we have to finish it all and that means I can be with him a bit longer.
“As I was saying,” I said between my food.
“I wish tet-chan could be like you,”
“And why is that?” yukkie repeats the question. To be honest I hate to bring out tet-chan’s name on our talk, but I don’t have anything else to talk about.
“He needs to loosen out a bit. I understand that he’s a leader; he has to think about the band, and he’s carrying lot of burdens. But, it doesn’t mean he can’t have a little fun,” I explain.
“You’re saying that because he forbids you to stay up late playing video games, right?” guess yukkie. I become still and looking at the noodle inside the bowl.
“Well, yeah…that’s just one case,” yukkie smiles.
“tet-chan has a point. If you stayed up all night, you would get sleepy all day and can’t work properly. I’m sure he won’t mind if you play it in normal times. Why don’t you ask him to play together?” suggest yukkie.
“That’s impossible; he doesn’t like my kind of games, horror games. He’s more into your games. Both of you often played together, right? That’s envies me,” I said with a grumpy look.
“Yeah, it envies me to see you and tet-chan having fun together. Why not me? I want to have fun with you too, yukkie,” I said to myself.
“Just try to ask him, who knows he would change his mind,” said yukkie. I only lifts my shoulders, the conversation upsets me.
“And ken-chan,” I continue with my babbling.
“He always teases me. Maybe it’s fine once a while, but sooner or later I could get fed up,” yukkie sniff.
“It’s because he’s caring for you,”
“What?”
“Err...I mean…Yeah…He’s caring for you…as his friend. Beside you are funs to tease,”
“That’s cruel,” I show my grumpy look again and it makes yukkie smiles. If he can always smile like that, I would put the grumpy look all day.
“If that’s so, then I wish the way of their care could be more like you,”
“What do you mean?”
“The way you’re caring isn’t like tet-chan that bound me, either like ken-chan who love making fool out of me. The way you’re caring is nice, sweet, gentle, and kind, you always make me calm and safe, you always make me happy,” I said. I wish yukkie can sense that the words are my true feeling about him, that I really feel that about him.
“I do?” ask yukkie sounds disbelieve.
“Yes, I feel happy because I can tease you instead replying to ken-chan,” I laugh. yukkie stuns but then also laugh. Suddenly I feel stupid for not saying the truth to him. I still.
“But, seriously, yukkie-kun, I’m really happy to hang out with you. I really do,” I said, wishing the feeling could reach him.
“Thanks, I’m happy to hear that,” he grins.
“I just wish you would be more thinking about yourself and not only think about work. We already have that one,”
“I wish you can have fun with us,”
“I do having fun,”
“I mean you would show it at the live stage, but you only look at your drums. What more interesting with your drums anyway than what’s in front of you?” I stare to yukkie. He looks surprised. Am I push him too much?
“Ah, not much actually,” said yukkie quickly bent his head. I sniff.
“You always like that, bending your head every time I look at you. You’re always looking seriously. You’re a hard worker indeed. Great, now we have two kinds of that,” I sigh.
“That’s not quite the reason,” said yukkie.
“Eh? What do you mean?” yukkie lifts his shoulders and seems busy with his own mind. I really want to know the meaning of his words. I wish I can go deep inside his mind, his heart and know better about him. But I feel yukkie doesn’t allow me to do that. He always back down every time I was around. He would become quiet and just smiling. He’s really different with tet-chan or with ken-chan. When I said I wish those guys could become like yukkie, I was also wishing that yukkie would become like them, more expressive with his feeling. I want to know his feeling about me.
I know sometimes tet-chan pay close attention to me at the stage. He’s watching over me for some reason. And I just love to tease him instead. The same way with ken-chan, he loves to fool me around and stupidly I gave him the bait. Sometimes I can say foolish things that make me get teased by him. But, the reason I accidentally do that because I was hoping to get yukkie’s attention, so he would join the teasing. The reason I swaying and moving around the stage was so I can see him and so he can also see me. But, that isn’t happening. When I turn around, yukkie was looking at somewhere else, mostly at his drums set. I felt like to stop singing at that time.
yukkie always has full concentration with his play. He always bent down while playing. I don’t know what I have to do to make him look at me. I’m singing with all my might, so he can hear me, so he would see me. But, he never sees me. He only sees his drums. I think he demands perfection with his play. I understand if he gets it wrong, tet-chan would scold him. That time I would defend him by saying how hard yukkie has work, which it might brought another scolding from tet-chan. But, it’s okay since I can talk more with yukkie. ken-chan would only tease yukkie and I would join him, because it’s my chance to see yukkie’s smiling face. I do grateful to have tet-chan and ken-chan around for they have helped me to have more talking with yukkie.
But still, I wish yukkie would hold up his head and see me standing in front of him. It’s one reason why I like becoming a vocalist, so yukkie can see me from his position. But, I also kinda dislike the position when I can’t see him. I can go over to ken-chan or tet-chan, but I can’t go over to his place. He’s way to the back and the drums set also get in the way so I can’t reach him.
“Sometimes you’re quite funny, yukkie-kun. I’m happy I can talk with you like this. Every time I talk to you, my heart feel so light,” I open both of my arms to the side.
“Wish I can do something for you,”
“Feed me,”
“Hah?”
“Feed me like this, I’m happy just with that,” yukkie smiles.
“Leave that to me! From now on I’ll be handling your food,” I said with excitement. yukkie is nodding and smiling in the same time. I’m also smiling. I really love to see yukkie’s smile. I really love that smiling face of him.
...
My day dreaming was awakening with the voice from ken. ken was doing some MC. I look at my left, to tet-chan. tet-chan was busy steaming his bass. I turn to see yukkie, he’s in his usual position, bending his head. I takes a sigh and walk slowly towards him. Staffs have put bottles of water for me to drink near yukkie’s drums set. I go there to have one. I take a drink but yukkie is seemed busy with his own thinking. yukkie doesn’t realize I was there. I feel a bit sad; yukkie isn’t looking at me again.
I think the concept of P’Unk~en~Ciel was the greatest idea tet-chan has brought. I love the changing positions: I’m on guitar and yukkie on bass. Finally I can come over to yukkie. Finally I can see yukkie at my side, though tet-chan sometimes blocking my way or yukkie who was even more serious playing the bass and doesn’t look at me. I only want to see yukkie and that yukkie only see me.
“Are you okay?” I slowly ask as yukkie seems has got back to real life. He’s looking a bit looking surprised. He nods.
“Yes, I’m okay,” smiles yukkie.
“I’m relief,” I’m also smiling. Both of us are smiling at each other, I’m so happy to get the smile.
“Let’s eat together after this,” I said. Yukkie stills for a moment. I want to tell him the meaning of “together”. I mean together just the two of us, and not together with the entire band. Suddenly he smiles.
“Yes,” he answered. I smile again and turn back to the front stage at the right time when tet-chan is looking at us. I walk to the microphone’s stand and give an introduction for the next song, new world. I stand still waiting for the hitting drums from yukkie.
“This is yukkie’s song; I’ll do my best singing it. Hopefully my calls would reach him, hopefully this time he would look at me,”