With a heavy heart, I sit on my balcony looking out at the vast expanse of Paris. As far as my eyes can search, the city is peaceful. No Akuma's, no disturbance. The night breeze is swift and gentle, wafting up the delicious scents from my parent's bakery down below. I can smell the mix of baked goods in with the soft summer breeze.
Summer is coming to an end now, and ahead of me is my final year of high school. The change looming ahead makes my heart seize and my stomach churn. I take deep breath's in and out, following the tutorials I saw online to help calm a racing heart.
I wouldn't say I've always struggled with anxiety. Of course I've always been an over thinker, a worry wart one might say. But in the recent months, I've started to get sick to my stomach. As if I might barf, or my heart might beat so fast I'll have a heart attack and die on the spot. Sometimes it makes me so ill that I get stomach cramps and when I go to the bathroom-
I shake my head, cringing at the stomach pain caused by my own overactive fight or flight response.
Tikki is in my room right now, I needed to take a breather and not think about anything. Yet here I am, thinking of the things I wish I didn't have to deal with. Looking out at Paris without enjoying the view I have, but rather seeking out trouble. It feels as though I can't catch a break these days. Between preparing for college applications, working at my parent's bakery, and fighting off Akuma after Akuma with no end in sight, I shiver at the thought of school starting again. The added stress of homework and exams is honestly the last thing I need right now.
"Hey there, Princess." A sudden voice snaps me out of my thoughts, letting out a scream while nearly jumping out of my own skin. Hand flying to my chest in an attempt to calm my thundering heart, the other hand gripping the railing behind me, I stare shocked at my blonde haired partner leaning against the wall of my house, a playful smirk on his face. His green eyes peer down at me, once again reminding me of the unfair height difference between us. He always taunts me for it. Well, me as in Ladybug, not that he knows that me and Ladybug are the same person.
"Chat! You scared the shit out of me, what are you doing here? Is there an Akuma?" My eyes dart around, checking to see any signs of distress that I might have missed. He chuckles lightly, shaking his head.
"Nope, nothing. Was just out and about, really. I saw you looking all doom and gloom, figured you needed your favourite kitty cat to cheer you up." He pushes himself off the wall, walking over to stand beside me next to the railing. The two of us face back out towards Paris, standing in silence for a few minutes.
"Jokes aside, how are you doing Marinette? You don't look so good." He glances over at me, and I sigh deeply. Chat Noir is the greatest partner a girl could ask for, and the best hero Paris has. Maybe the best hero the world has ever seen. We've had our rocky moments, but he's never left my side, like he always promised. However, right now, I'm not Ladybug. How am I supposed to talk to him about everything bothering me, when a good chunk of that is the stress of being Ladybug? The stress of the future, and all the uncertainties that lie ahead?
"I guess I'm just nervous. Summer is almost over, and I'm heading into my final year of high school. I have nothing to really show for it. My grades are average at best, my résumé is atrocious, and I don't know whats going to happen. I have so many dreams, but I'm bound to Paris. My life is here, my family. I guess I'm just... scared. Really, really scared." I bite the inside of my cheek, trying my best to blink away the welling tears and take deep breaths in. I can feel the burning in my nose, indicating I'm about to start crying any minute.
I can't look over at Chat, I'm scared of him seeing me like this. Sure, I'm just ordinary Marinette right now, I suppose it's not as embarrassing as having him see me cry as LadyBug. But being emotionally vulnerable when I've grown so accustomed to being alone... it's hard.
Without saying anything, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. After the shock wears off, I slowly wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head against his chest, letting some of the tears fall down my cheeks. As soon as I let a few fall, I feel more and more surface. Until I'm silently sobbing into Chat's chest, tears soaking his uniform.
"I need to stop feeling this way," I choke out, cringing at my strained and squeaky voice. "I'm a prime target for Hawkmoth right now."
"Don't bottle up for your feelings, Hawkmoth doesn't deserve to have such a chokehold on everyone. Especially not you. If an Akuma comes this way, I'll protect you. I promise. You're safe to feel everything, especially when I'm with you." He says all of this softly into my ear, rubbing my back gently. My heart hammers in my chest, the kind of ache that happens when you feel loved in a new way. This kind of warmth and gentleness is a side Chat doesn't often show. He's a funny, light hearted and true friend. But sometimes, in moments like this, I could picture myself being by his side forever.
That's when I feel the terrifying reality that things will change soon. Can I really expect both Chat Noir and I to spend our whole lives as our hero counterparts? What about our own dreams outside of being Paris' heroes? I pull away, smiling sadly at him.
"It won't always be like this." I whisper, and Chat holds my shoulders while he stares at me. Probably trying to figure out what I'm thinking.
"You're right, it won't always be so hard." He tries to spin it positively, but that's not what I meant.
"I wish that were true. Aren't you scared of what will happen? What if Hawkmoth wins? Or, what if you and Ladybug win? Aren't you scared of giving up being a hero?" As soon as I say it, guilt washes over me. His faces changes slightly, a look of pain crosses his features.
"Ladybug and I will defeat Hawkmoth, I can promise you that. What happens next, I don't really know. But I'd like to be Chat Noir forever if I can."
"You don't have your own dreams outside of being Chat Noir? Aren't you scared being Chat Noir will get in the way of your own personal life?" I watch as he looks out at the city of beautiful Paris once again, lost in thought. When he looks back at me, his smile is sad.
"No, not really. Chat Noir is everything to me, I don't want to be anything else. I'm happiest when I'm transformed into this witty black cat. Plus, the ladies dig it." He flexes his biceps, earning a laugh from me.
"In all seriousness, Marinette. When we focus on the things we can't control, all we're doing is ruining our peace now. No one know's what will happen in the future, so it's best to focus on the present and make the decisions you feel is best for yourself. I can't promise everything will work out as you plan, but I know you'll do great things with your life Marinette Dupain-Cheng." He reaches out, his hand giving my bicep a small squeeze.
"Holy shit, your muscles might just match my own!" He gapes jokingly, grabbing my arm and forcing it into a flexing position as I laugh.
"Oh yeah, I could definitely defeat the best hero in the world." I laugh out, feeling my anxieties ease away. Who would have guessed someone as goofy as Chat Noir could be such a wise old man.
"Best hero? Now you're just flattering me. But do go on, I love a nice ego boost."
"Oh Chat Noir! No one is as strong or as brave as you, I bet you could even lift the Eiffel Tower!! Oh please sign an autograph for me!" I put on this falsetto tone, pretending to be a super fan. He laughs, a beautiful sound that makes me feel the most relaxed I've felt in a long time.
"Alright, alright, I get it." He chuckles, leaning on his baton. "This kitty should probably pounce, are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I feel a lot better. Thank you, Chat. Seriously, I needed to hear all of that."
"It's my pleasure, Purr-incess." He bows, taking my hand and giving it a little kiss. When he lets go and straightens up, he gives me a wink. I would consider it flirty if it weren't for the fact Chat Noir is just always like this. He turns to leave, but something makes me reach out and grab his hand quickly. He stops, turning back to look at me, then his hand in mine.
"Please come visit more often, Chat. I could use a friend like you in my life always." He smiles as I say this, nodding his head.
"Anything for you, Princess."
And with that, he takes off from the balcony, using his baton to jump from roof to roof. Within a few moments he's completely out of sight.
I drop back into my room, seeing a sleepy Tikki rubbing her eyes on my bed. She lays curled up on top of the blanket, as though she was waiting for me to be ready to go to sleep.
"Marinette, is everything okay?" Her little voice whispers. I nod my head, curling into bed beside her.
"Yes, Tikki. Let's get some sleep for once."
And for the first time in a long while, I close my eyes and my loud thoughts are mere whispers in the wind.