Fifteen
Physical separation was supposed to be the key benefit of all breakups, but I guess that was the case only when both people agreed on splitting up.
I couldn't fully complain because I was seeing less of Dustin. He wasn't driving me to school anymore or picking me up at the end of the day. I didn't wait for him after every class or spend my lunches with him. I wondered if the rest of the school noticed our distance. I didn't talk to anyone apart from Cassie and Braxton. They knew I wasn't with Dustin anymore, but I didn't entertain anyone else's questions after the pep rally. All they wanted was information anyway, and I wasn't some soap opera they could consume for their entertainment.
I never believed that a person was beyond saving. We all had something that kept us going, and all we needed was for it to show up at the right time. I tried my hardest to understand Dustin from his perspective. Had I changed in a way that set him off? Did I start loving him less? Was his aggression only a response to my apathy?
When I first started dating Dustin, I never thought we'd reach our endpoint. He was funny and exciting, and my first ever boyfriend. I eagerly waited for every milestone in our relationship— the first kiss, the first anniversary, the first I love you. Now as we approach our demise, I realize that the end of a relationship is the final milestone. All relationships eventually ended. Some met their natural course, still fully intact and separated only by death. Others ended in mutual agreement with circumstances changing and feelings lost. The unfortunate ones ended in hatred or tragedy, leaving a sour taste and a bruised heart. The Reynolds family seemed to be cursed by the third, but an end was an end regardless of the reason why, and I was still so eager for another milestone with Dustin.
Could I really be the only person who noticed Dustin's change? It had been gradual, starting with small changes in his temper and the way he spoke. I always attributed it to him being in a bad mood, upset by a thing I did, or by something else that happened that day. It never occurred to me that it was becoming a reoccurring pattern until the pattern could no longer be broken or ignored.
I couldn't shake off my nervousness as it grew closer to dinner time. For a moment, I considered whether there was actually a dinner at all. Dustin was a smart guy, and he knew how to play my weaknesses. A promise to leave me alone was enough to get me to say yes. I could see myself being manipulated, and yet I still let it happen.
I decided to wear a long sleeve shirt and plain jeans for dinner. I was comfortable enough around his parents to know that I didn't need to impress them, and I didn't want Dustin thinking that our relationship was salvageable.
Not wanting a repeat of my last car ride with Dustin, I told him that I'd drive over to his place. When I told his parents the truth, I didn't want the awkward ride back home with a pissed Dustin.
"Where are you going?" Caden asked. He was on the couch, half-asleep with his face buried in a pillow. I wanted so badly to crawl up next to him and join him in his nap.
Things were so easy with him, but beginnings were always easy.
I smiled and pulled on a sweater. "Cass and I are going over to Braxton's to watch a movie."
"When will you be back?"
"In a couple of hours. I know you need a break from me anyway."
Caden sat up, resting on his elbow, and there was a small frown on his face. "Not true."
He stood up and walked over to me. His hands went took each end of my sweater and zipped them together. After adjusting my collar, he leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss.
"Drive safe, and don't go causing any trouble."
I smiled and twisted my keys around my finger. "Since when have you known me to cause trouble?"
"You and Cassie are a nightmare. The only thing putting my mind at ease is knowing Braxton will be there to keep you both away from bad ideas."
"I'm a good girl, Mr. Livingston. You said so yourself, don't you remember?" I smirked, knowing my comment resurfaced memories from the other night.
I yelped when Caden's hand came down on my ass. He stepped closer to me, his hand still gripping my ass as he looked down at me. The burning sensation had subsided and was replaced by my need for him.
"You keep it up and you'll be late for your movie night."
I gave him another quick kiss and said goodbye, ignoring the guilty feeling that settled in my stomach. I didn't want to lie to Caden, but I knew that telling him would only cause another fight between us. There was no way in hell he'd let me go to that dinner with Dustin, and the dinner was the only path to an end.
I sat in Dustin's driveway for five minutes, trying to gather the courage to see him and his family again. I didn't want to break his mother's heart. She was the closest thing I had to one myself, and I was afraid that by letting go of Dustin, I'd lose her, too.
I took a deep breath and approached the front door, giving it a curt knock. It swung open to reveal the older version of Dustin, but only by the face. Rick was fairly short, dressed in a football t-shirt that was tight around his protruding stomach. His black hair was slicked back with gel and his brown eyes were the exact copy of Dustin's, except they were warm, resembling golden sand, as they settled on me.
"Hey, kiddo. Where've you been?" Rick ushered me inside and set my bag on the hook near the door.
"I hope you didn't miss me too much," I said, hugging him. Before we could turn the corner, Debbie poked her head out of the kitchen, her eyes lighting up when she saw me. Her bright smile had warmed that familiar place in my heart that was probably reserved for my mother, but she never wanted it. Debbie was happier to see me tonight than my mother had ever been happy to see me in all her life. I'd always be in her background, a last-minute thought that was quickly forgotten again.
"Oh, thank god. I was going crazy with these two."
"Hi, Deb."
"Hi, sweetheart. Come give me a hand."
For the first time, I recognized Dustin standing on the staircase. He was watching me carefully, his legs crossed at his ankles and his hand lazily holding on the wooden rail. The small voice in my head prayed for him to fall over, but I pushed the thought away, feeling guilty for wishing him harm.
He skipped down the steps and pulled me into a hug. His arms felt heavy around my body, weighing me down and trapping me against him. I tensed, pinching my shoulders together, but returned the favor when I felt two sets of eyes watching our exchange. Dustin must have felt them too, or maybe he just saw an opportunity to take advantage of me, because he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was quick but still longer than I would've ever liked. I resisted the urge to knee him where it'd hurt most, a reward for his ballsy act.
Now is not the time for puns, Dee.
With a tight smile, I pulled away from him and followed Deb into the kitchen. My lips burned even after his were gone, and the only person I was thinking of was Caden. He would be so disappointed in me right now, both for agreeing to this dinner and for lying to him about it.
When I walked into the kitchen, Deb was reaching for a pile of plates in her top cabinet. Her hair was brown and short, just barely past her ears. Her rounded jaw and button nose embodied the softness she carried. She was warm and kind, and she treated me like I was her family.
"What kind of ice cream should we have for dessert? I know Dustin likes strawberry, but I think something chocolatey might be better."
"Chocolate sounds perfect."
"So, how's school?"
"It's good. I can't believe I'm a senior already."
Debbie smiled as she pulled utensils out of the drawer. "Before you know it, you and Dustin will be married with a family of your own."
I stayed silent, not wanting to crush her dreams just yet. I'd give Dustin the chance to tell his parents during dinner because he knew how to address it better than I did, and I didn't want to spring the confession on him and upset him. The last thing I needed was for him to start a fight in front of his parents.
The dining room table was mostly set up. Debbie placed the final items on the table and set the food in the center. My seat was next to Dustin's, and I was dreading having to be so close to him for an extended period of time. Luckily, I had the food and conversation with his parents to distract me.
I thought about Debbie's earlier comment on marriage. While I was sure that I'd never marry Dustin, I wondered if I'd get married at all. Nearly half of them didn't work out, and even the other half had people who stayed for reasons outside of loving their partner. I couldn't see marriage in my plans. I didn't want to be my parents. I didn't want to ever be trapped by someone again. I didn't want to love another person to discover one day that they no longer loved me.
During a pause in the conversation, I felt Dustin's hand go to my thigh. It was cold against my jeans, and I glanced at him to find him already looking at me, almost warning me to keep his hand there. I had other ideas though, and I grabbed his hand, crushing it slightly between my fingers, and pushed it off of me. I couldn't stand his touch anymore. It made me feel gross and sent my heart racing for the wrong reasons.
I focused on my mashed potatoes again, swirling my fork around as Rick and Debbie continued the conversation.
"How are your folks?" Rick asked.
"My dad's out of town for--"
I jumped slightly and dropped my spoon against my plate as Dustin's hand went back to my thigh and squeezed harshly. I bit my lip as the pressure remained, his hand growing tighter with each second. I bit the inside of my cheek and pressed my nails into my palm, diverting some of my focus to the pain there instead. Rick and Debbie both gave me a worried glance while Dustin refused to let go of my thigh. I placed my hand on top of his, a plea for him to let go, and he released his hold but kept his hand on my thigh. I knew I'd have another bruise where his fingertips had buried into my skin, and I wasn't looking forward to the new mark added to my collection.
"Diem, are you alright?" Debbie asked.
Dustin rubbed against my thigh, giving it a gentle tap of encouragement. His thumb traced wide-sweeping circles across my leg in an attempt to ease my nerves, but it felt as if his hands were wrapped around my lungs instead, squeezing so tightly that I couldn't form any sentences without wheezing between words.
"Just bumped my foot against the table."
Dustin's hand was rising against my thigh as I carried on my conversation with his parents. He contributed only minimally when someone looked in his direction or mentioned his name. I quickly realized that this dinner was not about telling his parents the truth. Dustin was never going to mention it first. No, this dinner was his attempt of bringing me back under his control. It was his attempt at reminding me of how much I needed him.
His hand slipped between my parted thighs and I clamped them so tightly that I heard a small exhale from his direction. I pressed harder, crushing his fingers between my toned legs. I had to thank my soccer coach for all the conditioning that made my legs particularly strong during this season.
I finally looked over at him to find him staring back at me, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. My thighs released his hand, and he pulled it away from me quickly. His jaw was tight, the veins in his neck fully exposed as he massaged his sore fingers.
My embarrassment and fear were pooling together and forming a tight, unstable ball of fury in my stomach that was ready to burst, and I was sure Dustin's ball of emotions was larger and less stable, already oozing out of his pores and shooting small daggers of his anger in my direction.
If I was going to put an end to this uneasiness, it had to be now.
I pushed my seat away from the table and placed my napkin on the table.
"I'm sorry, I just-- we haven't been completely honest with you both."
"Diem," he warned.
I ignored him and took a deep breath. I could feel my heartbeat crawling up my throat and clouding all of my senses. My breathing had turned ragged, my palms were damp and they shook uncontrollably as I gathered the courage to continue. Though small, there was still a fear that Dustin would jump from this table and shut me up.
"A couple of weeks ago, Dustin and I decided it was best if we weren't together anymore. We weren't sure how to tell you both because we didn't want to upset you, but we're just not right for each other."
Debbie and Rick looked at each other and then at their son. My fear of Dustin lashing out was replaced by the very real fear of his parents rejecting me. I squeezed my fists into a ball and pressed them into my thighs, and I ignored the burn in my chest that accompanied every breath.
If they told me to leave, I would. I'd understand that they had to choose their son over some stranger. I guess there's always a price to freedom and the question was how much you were willing to give up in its place.
Debbie turned to me and wiped her mouth with her napkin. "You aren't together?"
I shook my head and stared at the table, "I'm sorry."
"Diem, it's okay. It's your relationship and your decision. You should never apologize for doing what's best for you."
I looked up and offered her a small smile, coupled with a shaky breath and nod. An unbelievable amount of relief washed over and caused my eyes to water. I couldn't bring myself to look at Dustin. He hadn't spoken since my abrupt confession, and I knew he was struggling to keep it together. I had ruined his plans for the night and potentially his plans for our future.
He had nothing to hold over me anymore. His family had understood, and they weren't turning their backs on me. I wasn't breaking their hearts, and now I could stop breaking mine.
"You will always be family," Rick added. I laughed slightly and wiped the few tears that slipped out. God, why was I so scared?
"I should get going," I said.
"But dessert," Debbie said, frowning.
"Maybe another time, if that's okay?" They nodded and smiled. "Can I use your restroom before I head out?"
"Of course, sweetheart. You know where it is."
I excused myself from the table and disappeared into the nearby hallway. I sped toward the bathroom and locked the door behind me. There was a panic that accompanied the realization that it was all over. Dustin would finally be out of my life and there was nothing he could use to hold me to him. I was no longer his. I was no longer anybodys. My hands gripped onto the sink counter, and I stared into the bathroom mirror and took deep breaths to try and ease my racing heart. My entire body had gone numb and cold and it was growing more difficult to stay standing.
I wasn't sure how I'd make it out of this house without falling apart.
I leaned forward and splashed water on my face. The cold droplets coated my forehead and dripped down the sides of my face. I waited for a few minutes until my heart slowed and my breaths grew steady. When I was sure that I was in control, I shut off the lights and pulled the door.
And then it all went to shit. My heart rate spiked at the sight of him against the opposite wall, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes set on me. I couldn't see the rage, but I would be too stupid to think it wasn't there.
A scream nearly crawled up my throat as Dustin lunged forward and wrapped his hand around my wrist. He whipped my body down the hallway and pulled me into his room. I stumbled into the dark space and spun around. I heard the door shut and turned toward the noise, unable to see anything else without any light.
My breathing grew shallow and I yelped when I felt his hands on my shoulders, gripping them so tightly that my knees nearly gave out.
"Shut up, my parents are home. You can relax."
"Dustin, I need to go."
"What makes you think you can tell my parents anything without my permission?"
"You weren't going to do it," I whispered. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness now, and I could see Dustin standing in front of me, panting and blowing his hot breath across my face. My eyes glanced at the door, blocked by his tall frame.
"You had no right."
"And you had no right to touch me during dinner."
He took one wide step toward me and wrapped his arm around my throat, eliciting a gasp from my quivering lips.
"I have every fucking right, Dee. Only I have that right. Say it."
I shook my head, tears spilling down my cheeks and onto his clamped hand.
His breathing was heavy now and his hand tightened around my neck, causing me to whimper as he pushed me backward until I fell onto the bed. His body straddled mine, his thighs on either side of my waist and his bottom half pressed against my stomach, making it more difficult to breathe. My hand clawed at his forearm, and my eyes watered as my labored breathing filled the room. I opened my mouth wide, gasping for more air.
"Fucking say it," he spat.
"Only you," I choked out.
My chest burned as I thrashed against him and brought my hands to his chest, pushing it as I begged him to let me go with the little energy I had. My vision began to blur as Dustin leaned forward and pressed his head to my forehead.
He pulled his face away from mine and then spat at me, causing his saliva to to fly across my face and into my mouth and eyes. I shut them tightly and attempted to pull his hand away from my throat. Everything burned. Everything hurt. Everything I did just felt so useless.
A loud clap filled the room, followed by a stinging sensation on the left side of my face. He had slapped me hard, and the gasp that attempted to escape my lips was blocked by his hand on my windpipe.
"Look at me," he whispered. My eyes flew open, and he brought his face close to mine. I'd die right here in this bed, I was sure of it, and these eyes would be the last ones I saw. I tried to picture green instead, soft eyes that were paired with the sweetest smile. Just as the image was appearing before me, his voice pulled me away from that safe space.
"You think you can do better than me? You're nothing without me, Dee."
He held my jaw harshly in his hand, forcing me to hold his gaze.
"No one will want you. Not for long. Not when they see what a piece of fucking work you are, mouthing off every chance you get. To my parents, Dee? Have you lost your fucking mind?"
"Dus- I-I c-"
"That fucking prick doesn't give a fuck about you. He sees you as useful for one thing and one thing only, and he'll leave when he's bored of you. All used up."
"P-plea..."
The words came out as choked sobs, and my spit flew from my lips and coated my chin and Dustin's arm. Dustin's brown eyes were locked on mine, drinking in the terror behind them. They were dull, lacking any sense of remorse for the person he claimed to love. There was no hesitation in his fingers as they tightened around my neck once more before letting go.
"I fucking hate you."
He pushed himself off of me and stepped away from the bed. I lurched forward and reached for my neck as a mixture of sharp gasps and coughs went in and out of my aching throat. I was on my knees now and leaning forward on his mattress. I held onto my stomach as quiet sobs shook my entire body.
"Go ahead and tell your boyfriend. You know how fast things spread at our school."
With that, he slammed his door shut and left me in the darkness. I rolled over until I was facing the wall and shut my eyes. My sobbing had completely exhausted me and I felt my breathing slow and my cheeks start to dry. Dustin didn't have to explain any further for me to know what he was talking about. It wouldn't be the first time that a girl's pictures would spread through our halls after a nasty breakup, but when it happened, the halls always buzzed with excitement. Everyone talked, and everyone stared, and everyone saw.
I didn't know how long I stayed in his room, but Dustin never came back. I eased out of bed and quietly opened the door, peaking out to find the rest of the house dark. I tip-toed across the wooden floors and grabbed my bag from the hook. Dustin wasn't in the living room or kitchen, and I wasn't going to stick around until he came back.
In the car, I opened my visor and pulled my hoodie back to inspect my neck. It was still red, but it hadn't started bruising yet, and I prayed that it wouldn't. The rings around my eyes matched the redness around my throat and chest. They were still puffy and I knew they'd stay that way when I made it to Caden's.
I had zoned out for most of the drive, afraid of the confrontation that I knew was coming. I had enough fighting for the night and just wanted to crawl into bed. Once inside, I kept my sweater inside to hide some of the redness around my neck.
Caden was still on the couch sleeping, his arms crossed and his hands tucked underneath his armpits. I smiled at him and set my keys down lightly. He looked peaceful and unbothered as he snored into the pillow he brought from the bedroom.
I walked over to him and crawled onto the small space next to him. He groaned and shifted his position. He wrapped around me and pulled me into his body. His warmth seeped into my stiff limbs and I sank against him, letting out a loud sigh.
"You have fun?" he mumbled, his eyes still closed.
I nodded against his chest, knowing that if I spoke about tonight I'd break down in front of him. He went to sit up, but I placed my hand on his chest and cradled my face into his neck.
"Let's just stay here," I whispered, my throat still sore.
Caden hummed in agreement and pulled the blanket over me. He turned onto his side and spooned me from behind, kissing my shoulder for a moment before his head fell back onto the pillow.
I squeezed my eyes shut, focusing on the remaining warmth on my shoulder. That small kiss had meant nothing to him and everything to me, healing as many wounds as it could before it faded away. At this moment, it was the one mark on my body that didn't make me feel worthless, but it was only one among the many.
Caden's arms were around me, but all I could feel was Dustin. With every blink and the darkness that followed it, I was back in Dustin's room, on that bed with him on top of me. With every swallowed breath, I felt his hands around my throat again. I saw the face that had hovered over mine and knew that I belonged to him.
There could be no one else.