TW: talk of drug addiction.
Please take care of yourself my loves 🤍
January 2nd 2018
I look out the window next to me as I see the sun start to come up and then I look back down at the tiny little baby in my arms. The radio is playing quietly in the background.
Since I got to the hospital yesterday I haven't been able to stop crying.
It only got worse once I met my little boy and he looked just like his dad. His dad that he'll never know.
But being here with him now only solidifies the decision I made. This little baby is my whole world and I would do anything to make sure he has the safest, happiest life I can give him.
One of the nurses, her name is Susan, walks in and greets me as she starts checking things around the room.
The current song ends and then I hear a very familiar sounding piano at the beginning of the next song. Chills run up my arms and I feel frozen.
"Oh hey! I love this song." Susan says causing me to break out of the trance I was put in.
I smile at her and nod, unable to say much more than "yeah" as I stare back out the window.
"Did you know this kid was in that boyband, One Direction I think it is?"
I take a deep breath. I can do this. I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life. I just have to put on a fake smile and pretend that I'm not still deeply in love and heartbroken over one of the most famous boys in the world. I just have to keep pretending that it's not his baby that's currently in my arms. "Yeah, One Direction. I used to be a huge fan." Not a lie.
"Yeah, my niece is obsessed so she just got me into this song. It's really so beautiful. Do you know what it's about?"
A memory flashes in my head of the first time Harry played it for me. I sobbed from the minute the piano started and didn't stop for about 30 minutes. I cried even harder once he explained the meaning behind it.
I shake my head. "No, I don't know."
"It makes me teary just thinking about it. It's about a mother being told she has 5 minutes to live after giving birth to her baby-" She pauses and looks shocked at herself. "I'm so sorry, I realize I probably shouldn't be talking about this right now."
I wave her off and give her a smile "It's okay, you can go on."
"Well basically the song is her telling her child to keep going no matter how hard life gets. I just think its so beautiful. And man is he talented."
"Yeah he is."I say quietly.
"Okay well I am all finished, I'll come back to check on you in a little bit." She says with a smile.
As she walks out I feel a tear slip down my cheek and wipe it away with my finger.
Lauren had been here since I got to the hospital yesterday so I sent her home to get some sleep after a lot of convincing.
My mom also went back home because we weren't anticipating this little guys arrival just yet and his room wasn't finished, so she's finishing it up for me.
I hear a knock on the door and look up to see Milo standing in the doorway.
"Hey Mi" I say quietly and realize just how awful my voice sounds. It's very apparent I've done nothing but cry for the last 12 hours.
"Are you up for a visitor?"
I smile softly at him "of course we are. Come meet your nephew."
He slowly walks over and stops next to the bed and then leans down "wow, I can't believe he's real."
I giggle "I know right, he looks too perfect."
"He's so cute."
"Here, sit next to me and you can hold him."
A panicked look crosses over his face "are you sure?"
I giggle again. "Of course I am. Sit next to me." He sits down on the edge of the bed next to me and puts his arms out. "Just make sure to support his head." I say and he brings his elbow up higher as I set the baby in his arms. I put a pillow under his elbow and sit back to watch.
"Wow. He didn't wake up."
"No he likes his uncle Mi, huh baby?" I coo to him and rub my finger softly across his cheek.
"What's his name?"
The dreaded question.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew.
As soon as I found out he was a boy, I knew.
As soon as I first laid eyes on him, I knew.
But coming to terms with it is harder than I thought it would be. It doesn't feel right to give him a name that was picked with someone who doesn't even know he exists.
It just feels so right and perfect for him.
"It's- it's Oliver. Oliver Alexander."
Milo looks over at me and smiles, then he looks down at the little baby in his arms again. "Oliver. Ollie. That's perfect for him sissy."
"I think so too."
"Oliver, I promise that I will always be there for you. No matter what you need. We'll be best buddies and we'll mess with your mom together all the time. Happy Birthday little buddy. I love you so much."
I lay my head down on his shoulder "thank you for being here bub."
"Always."
January 2nd, 2022
I hear my alarm go off and shoot up to turn it off so I don't wake Harry up. I check the time and it's 4:11am, perfect timing. One more minute until my baby is 4.
I sneak out of bed and quietly open the door to our room. Then I tiptoe down the hall to Ollie's room.
I open up his door and quietly slip into bed next to him and pull him into my arms as he starts stirring.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Ollie bear, happy birthday to you." I sing quietly to him.
"It's my birthday mama?" He asks quietly with his eyes still closed.
"Yeah baby, at this time 4 years ago I just met you for the first time ever." Technically it wasn't this time because we're still in London and he was born in New York, but since his first birthday it's been my tradition to be with him at 4:12 am.
"I'm happy you're my mommy." He says quietly and snuggles closer into me.
"Oh my sweet boy, I'm so happy you chose me to be your mommy." I lean down and press a kiss to his cheek. "okay Olls, go back to sleep and I'll see you later and we'll have so much fun today."
He yawns and nods before turning over "night mama."
"Goodnight big boy." I slip out of his bed and then tiptoe back down the hall. With every step more tears threaten to spill out of my eyes.
By the time I'm tucked back into our bed, tears are falling down my cheeks. I try my absolute best to hold back any noises from escaping my mouth, but my body starts to shake the more I cry.
"Baby?" I hear a sleepy sounding Harry say from besides me. I don't say anything in fear of what'll come out of my mouth and he scoots closer to me and wraps his arms around my body then pulls me close to him. "What's wrong C?"
I shake my head and he presses a kiss to my earlobe. "You have to talk to me sweet girl."
As soon as I open my mouth to speak a sob escapes and Harry shifts me around so that I'm facing him and cuddled into his chest.
"Sssh Charlie, it's okay." He says softly and rubs my arm, causing an instant warm feeling to fill my body.
"I just- I can't believe he's four." I cry out and I hear Harry sigh a breath of relief that I'm not upset about something more serious.
"Aw baby, I know. It's okay."
"He was so tiny and perfect when he was born. And now he's so big and still perfect, just so different from my little tiny baby."
"And I can't believe I haven't heard from Milo." I continue on. "He's been such an important part of Oliver's life since the day he was born and now he hasn't returned my calls in a week. I'm just so worried about him."
"Charlie, just tell me what you want and we can go straight home." Harry says and I shake my head.
"No, what difference will it make? None right now. At least I know he's home with my parents again. I'll take care of Milo as soon as we're back in New York." He did come home a couple of days ago, but he's mad that I found out about what's happening and he won't talk to me.
He nods "whatever you want and whatever you need, I'll make happen."
"Today is just so bittersweet." I pause and look up into his green eyes that are staring down at me. They hold so much concern for me in them and even still, they're so pretty. "I'm sorry H, I always cry on his birthday. It's kinda my tradition."
He chuckles quietly and kisses my forehead. "I love you. You're the best mummy."
"I just love him so much. He was this tiny little squish muffin and now he picks out his own clothes and knows how to turn his favorite movies on. He barely needs me."
"That's not true my love, he will always need you. And he loves you so much."
"I know I know. I'm sorry" I sigh. "Normally I isolate myself until he wakes up so I can get all my worries and cries out and then I spend the rest of the day focused on him."
He chuckles "don't apologize, you'll never need to be alone for this ever again, okay?"
"Thank you H" I lean up and give him a kiss. "Let's go back to sleep, before we have to be up."
"Good idea." He kisses my forehead and pulls me closer to him. "Sweet dreams pretty girl."
————————
For Oliver's birthday we decided to go over to Anne's house for dinner and cake. Which is all he could've wanted and more.
We're currently sitting in the backyard and Oliver is running around with Harry and Gemma. I'm sitting with Anne on the porch watching.
My phone starts to vibrate and I turn it over to see 'Milo' flash across the screen.
"hey I'm going to take this inside really quick." I say to Anne. She smiles and she nods at me while I get up to walk inside. As soon as I close the door behind me I pull the accept button across the screen to answer the FaceTime and then Milo appears.
"Mi?" I say quietly.
He gives me a small smile and immediately says "can I talk to Oliver?"
"Um- yeah, yes of course. But can we talk first?"
His mood instantly changes to annoyed. "Talk about what Charlie."
"I just want to know if you're okay." I say quietly as I feel tears brim the edges of my eyes. God I've been so emotional lately.
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be okay."
"Milo c'mon. You and I both know what's going on. Mom told me."
"Look I don't know what she told you, but she's a fucking liar. Okay? Mom and dad both."
I decide it's best to not feed into whatever he's making himself believe. "Milo why did you leave home? And why haven't you been answering my calls?"
He rolls his eyes "Charlie the real question is why all of the sudden are you acting like you care?"
My mouth hangs open slightly as I look at the phone in shock. "Wha- what do you mean? Of course I care. I've always cared."
He laughs. "You don't even know what's going on in my life. You only care about me when it's convenient for you. Whatever man, I don't want to talk about this. I called to tell Oliver happy birthday and that's all I want to do."
"I- Mi I'm sorry that I've made you feel like that, but that's not true. I love you so much and I'm sorry I haven't paid enough attention to you lately, but I want to help you. If you need me to come home right now I will. And I will take you to get help."
"I don't need anything from you. Just let me talk to Oliver."
I feel more tears fall down my cheeks, but nod anyway. Not sure what more I could do or say right now. "Hold on a second." I put my phone down and head over to the back door. I open it up and when I do Harry immediately meets my gaze.
His face changes to concerned as soon as he notices my tears and he starts walking towards me. I point to Oliver and mouth 'can you bring him inside?' to Harry and he nods.
Once they get inside Harry asks 'what's wrong?' Quiet enough only for me to hear and I tell him 'later.'
"Hey bubby, do you want to talk to uncle Mi?" I ask Oliver and his face instantly lights up, only making me sadder about what I'm about to do.
"Yes!" He says excitedly. I hand him my phone from off the counter. "Uncle Mi!"
"Hey Ollie, happy birthday buddy."
"Did you know I'm this many today?" Oliver holds up 4 fingers.
"I did Ollie. I met you the day you were born. You were so tiny then."
I pull Harry out of Oliver's earshot and leave him to talk to his uncle for a little bit longer. "He's worse than I thought." I say quietly.
"What happened?"
"He would hardly look at me, he would barely talk to me. He thinks we're all out to get him. And he won't even acknowledge he has a problem. But I can tell just from this phone call that he's been doing a lot of bad stuff." I put my face into my hands as I think about what he said about me and I feel more tears come out of my eyes. "He doesn't think I care about it him. And I get it. That's the worst part. He's right, I haven't been there for him at all."
Harry wraps his arms around me and kisses my temple "baby you've been going through a lot."
I shake my head. "That's not an excuse. Milo has always been there for me. He was there for me at my absolute worst. And I should've realized something was going on with him, before it got this bad."
"Hey" he says and I keep my head down. All I can look at right now is my shoes. "Look at me." He says and uses his finger to pull my chin up to look at him. "This is not your fault. It's not your fault Charlie."
"I'm his big sister Harry."
"It doesn't matter. This isn't your fault."
I nod slowly. "I'm going to tell him that he can't see Oliver again until he's gone to rehab. I know that might cause a lot of damage, but I can't let him around him until he's actively trying to get help."
"I think that's a good idea C."
"Mommy! I want to go back outside!" Oliver says and hands me my phone.
"Okay bub, you can go back with daddy."
'Do you need me to stay with you?' He mouths and I shake my head. He nods and both of the boys go back outside.
"Hey Mi?" I ask as I put my face back into the frame of the camera.
"I have to go Charlie."
"I know I just- I don't really know a great way to say this so I'm just going to come out and say it. We're coming home within the next couple of weeks and I'm not going to allow you to see Oliver until you go to rehab. I can't have you around him until you're getting help."
He stays quiet for so long I think he's frozen until he says "did he make you say that?"
"What? Who?"
"Harry."
"What Milo? No. I as his mother said that. And if you were in the right state of mind you would agree that you wouldn't want anyone that's addicted to drugs around Oliver either."
He scoffs and starts shaking his head. "Another lie they told and you're being dumb enough to believe it."
"Milo you literally have not been able to look at me straight in the eyes almost the entire time we've spoken, you've been fidgeting like crazy, I can tell you've lost a ton of weight, and you wouldn't have been ignoring me all week if I wasn't telling the truth."
He continues shaking his head and mutters "they ruin everything." Under his breath.
"We just want to help you Mi." I pause and then continue. "Look if you go to rehab now, by the time we get back you'll hopefully be out and then you can stay with us. You don't have to keep living with mom and dad. But I need you to go there first before you can talk to Oliver again."
"You won't even let me talk to him?"
I shake my head. "No. I'm not going to let him see his favorite person act like a different person. He doesn't need that."
For the first time our whole conversation he starts to look sad. "I don't want to be stopped from talking to him and seeing him."
"I know bud. Please just think about it. I only want what's best for you. I need to go be with Olls, but please call me or reach out if you need anything. I'll be on the first trip home."
I can tell he's thinking everything over as he nods at me and quietly says "okay."
"Bye Mi, I love you."
"Bye."
With that he hangs up and I feel even worse than I did before. Knowing that I'm making him feel worse, but ultimately I hope that it's for the better.
I feel someone put their hand on my back and it pulls me out of my thoughts. I spin around to see Harry looking at me with his bottom lip out. "Are you okay baby?"
"I'll be okay. I'm just worried about him."
"I know Angel." He says as he pulls me into his arms. Nothing feels better than a Harry hug.
"Why don't we do cake now?" I ask as I pull back from his hold.
"Yeah he has been asking for awhile now." He says laughing. "I'll go out and get everyone."
While Harry goes outside to grab Gemma, Anne, and Ollie, I grab the cake out of the box and put four blue candles into the top. I asked what kind of cake he wanted and all he said was a big blue chocolate cake and I definitely think I delivered.
Everyone comes inside and Oliver's eye get huge at the sight of his big cake while he lets his mouth hang open. I giggle at him and put my fingers on his chin to close his mouth. "If you keep your mouth open too long flies will get in!" I say and tickle under his arm pits causing him to burst into a fit of giggles.
"I love my cake mommy!" He throws his arms around my legs and my heart instantly warms.
"Oh good baby, I thought that a four year old deserved the biggest, bluest cake I could make."
"Shall we sing?" Anne asks.
Harry grabs a lighter to light the candles and I lift Oliver into the chair in front of the cake.
"1, 2, 3...Happy birthday to you..." Harry starts and the rest of us follow along. "Make a wish Ollie!" He says as we finish up the song.
Oliver closes his eyes really tight while he thinks and then blows out his candles causing all of us to cheer for him.
"What did you wish for Ollie?" Gemma asks.
He giggles "I can only tell daddy!"
I scoff and look at Harry who is beaming from ear to ear. "Here Olls, whisper it in my ear." He crouches down next to him and I stare at his face while Oliver whispers into his ear. I watch Harry's eyes widen as he pulls away and looks at a smiling Oliver. "Maybe buddy, you never know." He stands back up and winks at me causing me to become even more confused.
After we're done eating cake Oliver begs Anne and Gemma to play outside with him again and I take the opportunity to find out why Harry made the face he did.
As he goes to grab the handle for the back door, I grab his hand and pull him back into the kitchen. "What's wrong Char?"
"What did Oliver tell you he wished for?" I ask him with furrowed brows.
He laughs and shakes his head "no I can't tell you. He only wanted me to know." My mouth drops open and I scoff. He grabs my chin and shuts it closed. "Careful baby, you'll get flies in your mouth." He says mimicking what I told Oliver earlier.
"Harryyy" I say holding emphasis on the 'y' in his name. "Please tell me." I stick out my bottom lip and look up at him.
He groans "You're so cute. Fine!" He says defeated. "Oliver said that his birthday wish is to have a baby brother or baby sister, but a puppy would also do." He laughs while my eyes widen.
"He- he said that? You're not kidding?"
"No babe. I wouldn't kid about that, why do you think I looked at you like that?"
"He's never said that before."
He shrugs "he's getting older, I'm sure his friends at school have siblings." He puts his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him. "Hey, it's okay. I don't want to see the wheels turning in your head. Oliver will be fine. We'll have one when we're ready." He leans down and presses a kiss to my nose and I nod.
"I just didn't realize that's something he thought about. This whole time I was worried he wouldn't want one."
"He's a sweet boy, I knew he would love a baby brother or sister."
I smile "yeah I guess you're right about that." I pause. "Well hopefully he'll still want one, one day when the time comes."
"I'm sure he will. C'mon let's go play with the boy."
I'm sorry that I mixed some heavy stuff with Oliver's birthday!!!! But our boy is 4 now 🥳🥳🥳 thank you all for reading, voting, and commenting 🥹🥹 I appreciate you all so much!!💗💗