"Lix you're not gonna fucking believe this," He started as soon as the ringing over his headphones stopped, announcing his brother had already picked up the cool. His hands busied with opening up the container he set on his kitchen counter by his sink, fishing around to find a spoon in the filled dish washer as the sweet scent from the dessert flooded into the space. A welcomed tang of sugar that immediately clung tightly to his senses, the spongy goodness of the cake dipping down against the metal edge as he scooped a chunk of the cream cheese icing off the top, "The guy I'm hooking up with triggered an ataxia episode and I am now regretting my life decisions."
"You're kidding," Over the speakers of the headset, Felix's voice strained out the shocked note.
Minho wheezed, "No!"
"Dude? What did you do?"
"What else do I do? Ran away, took my meds, and now I'm complaining to you."
"You ran away?"
"I'm not about to flaunt my neurological disease that makes me look like the town drunk every full moon," Minho complained to him as he nibbled on the rich frosting. Words shaking out in his throat as he tried to calm the painful ache sitting deeply in his chest. Each inhale deeper than the last, sinking farther and farther down into him to ease the disquiet boring into him. That stirring conflict of feelings; Elated he had the chance to meet Jisung, excited at the prospect of seeing him again, disappointed it had to end so soon, disgusted with himself for not being normal, frustrated at their ceaseless repetition always cutting in when he wished to continue forward. He pressed the frosting to the top of his mouth, letting the gooey substance stick for a minute as he lisped, "It's... It's so embarrassing, Lix."
Shuffling came across the headphones. A heavy weight on what sounded like a couch, huffs from his brother announcing he was shifting into another position and the ruffling of what sounded like a blanket being adjusted around a body. Even if he heard another set of winces or groans as he moved, Minho didn't think anything of it as soon as Felix interrogated him, "Wait, so, what happened though? Was it actually the guy who triggered it or was it something else?"
"My stupid fucked up nervous system must've thought I was in some kind of physical or emotional stress? Which means, haha, guess what! Physical stress! Emotional stress! Can't handle it! My nervous system flipped out and went into ataxia mode???" He divulged with a bitter tone sticking to his tongue. The mocks grunting out in his throat as he swallowed down the icing and sliced another chunk of the cake off, immediately chewing on the rubbery saccharine as he hummed around it, "Plus we were eating cheesecake and I didn't even think about the sugars fucking with my my head."
He choked down the bite of cake he took, staring down at the colorful designs of the dessert he impulse bought on his way home.
Uh...
With a shrug, Minho took another scoop on his spoon.
Whatever, I'm already screwed.
Something fuzzy rubbed against the back of his leg.
Without bothering to look down, Minho lectured, "No, you can't gave any Gummy."
"The good news is now you can tell this lucky guy the classic line of 'You make me dizzy with love'," His brother joked the airy words.
"I mean, maybe, but, I hate this. Lix, it's..." He trailed his words off, hesitating as he looked at the smudge of cake remaining on his spoon. Looking at the impurities on the otherwise polished, spotless silver metallic he gripped onto, holding as if it would slip from him at any moment. As if he would loose his balance again, heels tipping back, diving him deep into another endless pit that rocked him around. An impurity, similar to him. To his own existence on an otherwise clean world. Then curling his hand up into a fist, he leaned on the counter, head smacking down into the knuckles as he murmured, "It's so embarrassing. It's humiliating. My cerebellum is so fucked up."
"You should explain what your condition is to him. Just, tell him about the episode ataxia, say it's a genetic thing and the whole messed up cerebellum thing, and he can't get it unless his parents had the gene, tell him that you loose your coordination during the episodes, tell him it might progress, explain it. If you like him, he's going to be in your life, he's going to find about your ataxia episodes. He's going to find out what it is, the type you have, explain it. It's okay."
"Every time they find out, they leave me. I know Chan and Changbin make fun of me for being flaky in relationships but..."
Minho allowed his words to die off in his throat.
Swallowing them down along with the sweet taste of the dessert, drying his mouth and his body, leaving him as nothing but a soaked-up well preoccupied with muddy grounds at the cracking bottom. Each bite another struggle to force down his throat. Each breath another choke to surrender himself to in his esophagus. A consuming swell in his gut nibbling into him as it flourished and spread up his spine, a feeling like sirens alarming him to oncoming dangers. Alerting the back of his mind, the picturesque view in his eyes of the sink he was eating over instead of sitting like a proper person drowning out to the wince that built up. The pinch in his chest spreading throughout him at the sourness haunting his tastebuds.
Sourness that haunted his memories. Faint ghosts that crawled along his back and chained him to the checkered game floor he dared to play. Again and again, despite knowing how the board would tip against his favor at the end. Each, and every, time. Those matches were finished before he could make a second move.
A shadow jumped onto the counter next to him.
Furry head bumping into his leaned shoulder as the cat tried to grab his attention.
He kept his head precariously balanced on his fist, the other stretching out to scratch the cat's chin to find a comfort in her presence.
"But everytime someone knows, they leave. I know," Felix hummed softly over the headphones. Words dimming as his voice came quieter than before in a soothing lull, low tide peaks that brushed in a gentle ebb and flow, "And you run off to hide your attacks because you don't want them to find out. I know."
"I'm positive those two would think I'm a freak if they knew about me, Lix. I know them," Minho murmured back to him. He unfurled his hand, still occupied with petting the animal in order to keep the mischievous eyes and outstretching paws away from his cake, the other going to scrape at the bottom of the container. Collecting up the chunks of frosting and fallen cake "People get freaked out. They think something is wrong with me. Which, there is, but it's not their business, so? Fuck off?"
His brother sighed over the headphones, "Minho, you know that's not true. There's nothing wrong with you. It's not something you have control over. And you're not... You..."
Felix trailed off.
Minho kept scraping at the bottom of the container, sweeping as much as he could into the crescent of his spoon.
Then spun the spoon around to hungrily devour what he managed to find.
Before doing back to scraping at the sides of the container, collecting as much frosting as he was able too off the sides, the bottom, the top of the cake, Minho had always been more partial to the shitty taste of cheap frosting rather than the battered stacks of fluff that cake actually was. He would've bought one of those bucketed portions of pure icing or frosting people typically used for decorating to eat all of it plain, if that was considered socially acceptable. Which, it wasn't. Which, meant he didn't, so he had to resort to buying an entire cake he didn't particularly want to eat beside the frosting. And he couldn't, considering his body had the habit of freaking out whenever he nibble even a little too much of sugar. Alcohol included. No drinking, no drugs, no icing, no fun.
In the silence, Minho cheerfully licked viscous coat of candied icing off his spoon. Nearly gagging at how disgustingly sweet it was. The perfect solution to easing the upset in his heart, by causing an upset in his stomach.
Felix stammered, "Wh.. what are you doing? What is that sound?"
"I'm eating cake with a spoon."
"You know you're not supposed to eat things like that...?"
"Yeah, I don't care, I'm already upset. Today can't get worse, I've hit rock bottom. Today? Tonight? Yesterday? What time is it? 2am? Yesterday. Yesterday can't get worse."
"But don't aggravate it more?"
"I'm fine for a few hours. Long enough for my body to get it's shit together," Minho finalized, busying himself with scooping off another pile of the poor quality frosting to shove in his mouth. Repeating the motion a few times as he began to feel a nausea in his stomach from the pure sugar he was dumping into it's empty existence. Hoping that the queasiness would be enough of a distraction from the want to violently sob in frustration at the past few hours. He bumped Gummy away from him, booping her nose with a gentle warning as she got too close to the dessert, "Which means cake. Well, frosting. But, cake."
"That's the opposite of what that means. You should be trying to recover from the episode not... Eating cake that'll make it happen again?" His younger brother lectured him as the couch beneath him creaked again. As if he was the older of the pair. As if he was the more responsible, taller, bigger person with a mature personality despite him having the worst mind. As if he didn't snicker like a little preteen boy whenever someone made a dirty joke, or even a sentence that sounded vaguely like it could be an innuendo insinuating foul play.
Minho angled himself up off the counter, gaze staring loosely down at the cake. Taking in the flourishing designs atop, along the sides, flowers on a blank canvas of pure crème, the writing with nothing but a smiley face he asked from the employee working the counter staring back at his loosening frown. He exhaled heavily, wishing to deflate back down as he had to grab Gummy's head to stop her from chomping on the frosting he wanted for himself, "I'm so upset, Lix. I'm so so upset, you have no idea. You're lucky you have good genes."
"That's the first time someone told me I was lucky being the adopted kid. Thanks. I really appreciate it." Felix responded, the soft smile on his lips evident in the peak of his words despite not seeing him face to face.
Before Minho could respond with his own joke, another voice came over the speakers. Sniffling, muffled out against, probably the blanket Felix was fiddling with as it uttered beneath a choke, "Felix."
"Who's that?" Minho wondered, his eyebrows furrowing together at the new addition. Listening to the sniffles and rough voice from the other side of the call. Vaguely unrecognizable between the scratch between his words and the subtle gulps, but somewhat familiar in it's light tone. Somewhat familiar in the strange glow that filled the older as soon as he heard the unknown voice on the other side. After a second, his mind clicked into place as he remembered the multiple conversations from his younger brother, "Is that the bestie? Is he doing okay? Sounds like he's crying."
A fast snap of a clicked tongue stabbed into Minho's eardrums. Another shuffling coming over the "Yeah, he's okay. Baby boy had his agoraphobia triggered earlier by some stupid ass. I'm at his house for comfort and cuddles."
"Oh, wow, two in one day. You need a pay raise," Minho joked, a breathy laugh leaving him as he scraped off the last bit of frosting from the top and edges of the cake.
"No kidding. You two are a fucking pair, let me tell you. Ataxia on one end, agoraphobia on the other, it's a field day."
"He wasn't stupid ass," The voice, Felix's 'bestie', who he still neglected to allow Minho to meet, much less even know what his name was aside from 'Felix's best friend since as long as he could remember' due to his brother knowing he'd immediately go to stalk the friend and learn who he was online. His friend seemed to squeeze a bit closer, words bubbling between subtle chokes. Gentle cries that told, "He's beautiful, Lix. Like... Like starlight... Moonlight. Lix, he's gorgeous."
"Wow. Lucky guy, he must be one hell of a dude for him to say that," Minho cooed to the headphones. He stepped away from the cake, lifting up Gummy and tucking her underneath his arm so she didn't try to eat the poison while he was away, instead coming to find where he set his phone down across the way, "I'll let you two be. Tell him I said I hope he feels better soon and that the stupid ass will get what's coming to him."
"Sure," Felix came across quieter when he said, "Brother man McGee says he hopes you feel better."
The voice mumbled softly, "Thank you brother man McGee."
"Of course, bubba. Make sure you're drinking water. Eat something too, something good for you, not candy or cake. And uhhhh... Sleep. Get some sleep," Minho smiled softly down to the counter.
"I will!"
He swiped up his phone, quickly hanging up the call before he would be forced to engage in any other social behavior. Lingering a moment more on the screen announcing the call ended.
Minho looked at Gummy underneath his arm, the yellow eyes scowling back at him as he huffed,
"This fucking sucks."
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