"Notice and you will find all the emotions he couldn't explain gleaming in those eyes. It was always there but I couldn't see it."
The night fell upon the sky, I couldn't get his look out of my mind. What was wrong if I made him weak? Why is accepting anything so hard for him?
I went to our room and sat on my side of the bed while Sebastian was lying with his face covered and placing everyone's words in my mind, I called him.
"Um.. Sebastian." My hesitant voice came, back then he was infuriated and wasn't listening but I know he would listen now..
"What?" He hummed, removing his hand to glance at me.
"Can I call at home and let my parents know I am okay? I promise I will make them listen to me too. Please don't cut me off from them, I only have them." I asked desperately, hoping he would listen and won't steal my family away from me at least.
"I only have three people, Mama, Papa, Sofia, please don't steal them from me. I won't do anything again, I promise. I didn't mean this to happen." I pleaded, scooting closer and tugging on his sleeves innocently, praying he wouldn't say no.
He glanced at my face for a few seconds and sighed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand, unlocked it and gave it to me because I forgot mine at my home, "There you go."
Curling my lips upwards, I mumbled a 'thanks' and when I saw his wallpaper my eyes widened. He had my picture taken during our honeymoon at Miroir D'eau when I was smiling.
"You have my picture.. As your wallpaper?" I asked, thinking I didn't see it right, taking a closer look.
"You saw it just now? It has been my wallpaper since I took it." He shrugged nonchalantly, not surprised at all.
"This is the first time I am holding your phone." I mumbled, wanting to open his gallery and see my pictures because that one was aesthetic. His camera was immaculate.
I called home, hearing my parent's cries and at the moment I was only irritated with them because-
"None of it would have happened IF ANY OF YOU HAD LISTENED TO ME!" I yelled over the phone, glaring at Sebastian as well who pretended he didn't hear me.
I tried to convince my parents but they didn't listen and shut me down from Sebastian and when I tried to tell Sebastian, Mama ruined everything by interrupting me and he couldn't hear me either.
"No- No, I am staying and it's my choice- So what?!" They were trying to make me listen but I had no intention of listening to them.
Their main concern was that Sebastian is Black Death, the biggest criminal of England.
"Fine, he will do it. Yeah, yeah he will- But, you won't do anything without letting me know beforehand- I am fine." I sighed, pushing my hairs behind, noticing how Sebastian was not removing his eyes from my face.
"Sebastian can never hit me." I enunciated, staring back dead into his eyes and he didn't like it and was about to turn his hand away but I held his injured hand.
"Fine, I told you already, he will do it. Just don't create an issue out of it anymore. I am okay and nothing else should matter to you guys." Exhaling, it took me a good hour to convince them but I finally did it.
And was arguing for an hour, my mood was smeared and snarling under my breath, I turned to Sebastian who held the same mysterious look he did on that start of the call.
"I can hit you." He spoke up, taking his phone back.
"Try it." I challenged, putting his injured hand in the air, displaying what happened when he tried to hurt me physically.
"Aren't you disheartened now?" He asked, pulling his hand down again.
"How can I when you have already punished yourself?" I sighed, curling my lips downwards. Apart from his disgusted reaction in the afternoon, I couldn't find a reason to stick on what happened.
And not to mention his Brother's rambling.
"Aren't you going to ask what Ruben told me?" I asked, climbing under the covers as well.
"I already know. Father called him to help you," He sighed, lying down to gain some rest and not think about anything else.
"And will you let it?" I asked, lying down, holding my pillow and looking up at him.
"I don't know." He replied honestly, turning his head to me.
"Besides, Ruben is not my concern, Asad is." He whispered, taking a strand of my hair and tugging it behind my ear.
"Why him?" I asked, furrowing my brows as I was not fond of him in the slightest. He was irritating me by his amusement. Considering all of it an enjoyment.
"Because I don't want his shadow anywhere near you." He murmured, closing his eyes but all it did was to enhance my bewilderment.
"Is it because Ruben wanted to assign him as my lawyer?" I asked again.
"No."
"Then?"
Opening his one eye, he caressed my cheek with his bandaged hand and whispered softly, "He would take you away too."
"Too? Did you have another girlfriend who cheated on you with him?" My confusion increased immensely now. I had no idea what he was talking about or the in-depth reason for him to resent Asad.
"No. Nothing. Leave it." He sighed, waving his hand to shrug this off and not forcing it out, I hummed, closing my eyes to gain some sleep after the hectic events of my life.
But, I got to know about things I never fathomed I would. It finally ended after a rollercoaster of emotions, his rage, his emotions, his punishment and in the end...
We were back to where we started... It all came back to square one.
"I raised this hand, right? There you go. I punished it."
"That 'you' weakened me?"
"You are my need. I need you next to me, with me, I need you in my life."
His words were repeating in my mind, stirring it. We can't stay like this forever and to stop this loop of anguish, one of us had to take a step and extend our hand.
We would remain here for eternity if we didn't try.
"Eileen... are you awake?" Dragging me out from my thoughts, Sebastian called me.
"Hmm..." Humming, I opened my eyes and saw Sebastian. We both curled down, holding the duvet, facing each other while laid down and I don't think we ever talked laying down like this and it felt strangely satisfactory.
"I lied earlier." He told me, our voices were whisper-like due to the darkness and sleepy atmosphere, staring at each other in this darkness.
"I know..." I curled my lips upwards, not keeping things in my heart anymore. I wanted to know.
"Why is it so hard for you to speak the truth?"I asked softly, moving my hand and taking his hand in mind, intertwining our fingers.
"Why were you disgusted?" I asked tenderly, not sounding dejected to induce guilt. His features twisted into a disquiet one, holding my hand firmly.
"Because it's true, Eileen." He whispered desperately.
"I didn't want to accept it but-" Refusing to let go of my hand as he sat up slowly, looking down.
"You have weakened me."
He confessed, sharing the real reason why he was disgusted- it was true and he didn't want to accept it, "You did what no one could..."
Sitting up as well, my smile faded, giving his hand an assuring squeeze, "That's my point, Sebastian. Even if I did, what's wrong with that? Am I going to use it against you? Am I going to leave? Then why?" I murmured, closer to him, holding his one hand with my both how he did.
"Why don't you accept that it was not that you lost your mind but you felt weak that you might not lose me and did all this in spur of emotions." I asked, pulling him towards me, not parting my eyes from his exquisite ones.
Closing his eyes, he nodded, not lying anymore, "I did..."
Smiling sorrowfully, I cupped his cheek, making him stare back into my eyes, moving my thumb gently over his cheek.
Extending my hand won't hurt, right? When he could punish his hand then how hard can it be for me to hold him?
"Was it hard to accept?" I asked, bringing his face dangerously closer to mine. In the pitch-silent room, the sound of our tangling breaths became visible.
"A lot."
He nodded, breathlessly, lowering his gaze with a distress overwhelming him, jaw clenched. Trying hard to stay strong but pulling my other hand away, I wrapped them around his neck.
"Sebastian... look at me."
I didn't want him to look down and not link our eyes together. No matter what, it hurt that he couldn't listen, that he didn't like me weakening me but to save it before it developed into a sting, I poured my emotions into my next sentence.
"I have one heart, My Love. Don't break it."
He was taken back but moving my hand down, I held his hands firmly. Pressing my forehead against his, closing my eyes, continuing with my requests.
"Don't lie to me, don't disappoint me, don't neglect me, don't scare me, don't hurt me... please don't." On the verge of crying, going on with the list of things he had done to me. I might have tried but my mental health was not allowing it.
I was traumatized and I was trying but how can I remove this fear?
Changes won't happen overnight. It's hard for me to deal with this fear, with his dominance, with his presence.
"Please don't." Pleading, I kissing his hands and rested them over my forehead, "Please-"
But, perturbed at my reaction he pulled his hands away instantly, "Don't do this, I heard you," He whispered, holding my hands.
"I can't promise that I won't because I don't trust myself but I promise I will try my best, Eileen." He whispered, kissing my forehead to reassure me, evoking eerily gratifying sensations to my core.
He wouldn't do it for anyone but me that only leads to one thing-
"Do you love me, Sebastian?" I asked expectantly. And that was the only hope I was clinging onto.
"What about you? Do you want to leave me? I heard you saying you want to leave." He asked, counter-questioning, pulling away, giving me silence in response again.
But, before it could shatter my heart again, I said what I intended to tell Ruben but couldn't when he asked to work this out.
"Give me one reason to stay and I will." I whispered, moving to his laps, staggering him at my hopelessness but that was all I needed, a reason which he never gave.
All he ever said- Stop.
"What...?" He was taken back, thinking he heard me wrong, giving me a chance to correct my words.
"Yeah, because as far as I remember you want my voice to stop, you want me to stop. You didn't want to continue this relationship then why do I stay?" I asked, holding him firmly, making an almost crying face, praying for one spark to evoke in his heart.
"Give me a reason, Sebastian." I pleaded, lowering my head and embracing him, my hands wrapped around him, holding his shirt firmly.
He embraced me as well, making my heart pound hard at the warmth I gained when he snuggled to my neck as we held each other. Biting the inside of my cheek, I closed my eyes, pulling his shirt.
"Because I need you, Eileen." He whispered, not saying what I wanted to hear after all this try but it came from the bottom of his heart and it was enough.
It tranquilized my heart.
Closing my eyes, I smiled but I wanted to push him beyond his limits so I pulled away, wiping my smile and holding the hem of his shirt.
"I don't want that one. You need me, and me? What will I gain? I am sorry but that is not how things work. I stay here because you need me but why would I stay? You don't even show affection. All you do is scare me and bring us to one point. You don't express any endearment or sweetness." I complained, hitting his chest lightly. Knowing these words might hurt him and I had already gained my answer but I wanted to see where it could lead us.
"Say you love me, that I am where no one is and will never be and I will stay. Say it." I asked expectantly, almost demanding.
"You want to know my answer?" He asked sternly.
"Yes." I nodded, ready to confront whatever he would say because I had already found my one reason to say. Sebastian could never accept it but detailing it another way, he held my hand.
"Right now, Eileen...." He began to say, pressing my hand on his heart and I couldn't help but to stare at his face in mesmerization, losing in it.
"If I take you out from me." He continued, pulling my hand away from his heart, looking down again, completing his sentence.
"I will die."
Gasping, I yanked my hand and covered his mouth, "Don't." I didn't know what took over me but when he said it, it pierced my heart.
"Don't say this again." Shaking my head, my voice broke, embracing him again, resting my forehead on his shoulder, refusing to open my eyes.
Pushing him beyond was worth it after all. Finding my one reason to stay finally. The answer I searched for.
He will die.
"Don't leave me ever again. I won't be able to bear it. I will burn this world if I can't have you." He mumbled, kissing my neck, his hot breath blazing my skin followed by synced breaths.
"So you love me?" I smiled playfully, pulling away a little.
"No, I need you." He chuckled huskily, shook his head, clicking his head against mine.
And his chuckle was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard because it was pure. A solace providing genuine chuckle.
"Sebastian, how hard could it be to speak three words?" I hummed, brushing my lips against his cheeks, kissing them. Running my fingers down to his locks, smiling.
Gleaming under the beautiful night with unexpressed emotions, with the talks buried somewhere along the way and the growing dread never allowed us to dig it up. But how displaying them became a source of salvation for both of us.
"Extremely." He replied sincerely, holding my waist, connecting his keen orbs to my features, sending strange sensations to my body.
"Should I wait? I can..." I asked hopefully, smiling, ready to wait forever just to hear what I couldn't.
"Okay now not, but one day." I continued.
He had to accept that I am the home he must return to after losing the world. One day, he will.
"I don't know..." He shook his head, kissing the top of my head, caressing my face and I didn't force the conversation further.
"Okay... We will see." I hummed.
"Anyways, Can you hold me close tonight?" I asked, pulling his hand childishly, looking innocently at him. He didn't speak further and pulled me down.
Holding me tightly, I rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes, hoping he would hold me protectively and he did, bringing a feeble smile on my lips.
"Don't go to work tomorrow. I feel exhausted, don't leave me." I mumbled, nuzzling closer to his chest.
He kissed the top of my head, humming, "Okay..."
After tonight, I understood my value in his life- I was above all.
***
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