The first night Em was back at school, Izzy waited until the lights were out in the dorm room to tell her about her summer with Dom and their little fling.
Was that what it was? A fling?
She didn't even know what she'd call it. They'd kissed.
It was nothing. But that was a lie, and Izzy knew it, one of those little white lies that people tell themselves when they're too afraid to admit the truth. She'd been so nervous that she was starting to act weird around Em.
Izzy knew as clear the day is light, Em would not see their kiss as "nothing." She could be forgiving of Dom's indiscretions with other girls who he'd met at clubs and would never see again. Those mishaps he'd told her about, and they'd laughed about them together. She could even forgive him sleeping with other girls. But this was different. Dom hadn't told her, and Izzy was her best friend. This was not "nothing," and she couldn't expect Em to be okay with it. That was asking too much of their friendship.
It took all her resolve to do the right thing by Em and tell her the truth. Izzy just hoped she'd understand.
*
'Are you fucking kidding me right now?' Em sat bolt upright in her bed and stared across at Izzy in the darkened room. There was a long pause as Izzy contemplated what to say next. Then, finally, her eyes met Ems's, and she blinked and looked down at her hands. The silence engulfed them. Tal and Zara were both in bed within hearing distance from the other side of the dormitory. Neither of them said a word.
Izzy stumbled for the right words. 'I'm so sorry, Em. I don't know what to say.'
Em was livid, Izzy could tell. She didn't take her eyes off her. 'And you waited 'til now to tell me this?' she said. 'I have to sleep here, next to you tonight, you stupid bitch! Do you think I want to be here? Do you think I want to sleep next to such a slut?'
Zara intervened. 'Hey...easy... Em. Calm down. Just let her talk. She's saying she's sorry.'
Em flew out of her bed, swiveling on her heels to face Zara. 'You knew about this,' she said, her voice clipped. 'How could you not tell me? You are such a traitor?'
Izzy got up from her bed and tried to put a hand on Em's shoulder. Em violently pushed her away.
'It's not her fault,' Izzy said, desperate to defend Zara. 'It was my responsibility to tell you, not hers.'
'No, Isabella. That's where you're wrong;' Em faced Izzy, her rage palpable. 'It was her responsibility to tell me as soon as she saw me at Polo on Saturday. Not to let me walk around like an idiot with everyone knowing my so-called best friend and my boyfriend are getting it on behind my back and laughing at me.'
'No one's laughing at you, Em,' Izzy said. 'I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry for what I did... to take responsibility.'
Zara stepped away from the scene, allowing the two girls space to settle things.
'You're all about "responsibility," suddenly?' said Em. 'What happened to your "responsibility" to not kiss the guy I'm in love with?' She paused to take a breath, glancing at Zara in retreat. 'If that is in fact, what happened. You probably slept with him, you fucking ho!'
Izzy was taken aback by her friend's aggression. She hadn't known what to expect. Em was not given to using such language.
Em strode through the darkened dormitory towards the door to the study room. She stopped abruptly in the doorway and flicked the light switch. There was a merciless flickering, and the room blazed into bright white light.
'Well, did you?' Em said, glaring at Izzy.
Izzy crunched her eyes. The light took some adjusting. 'I've told you what happened,' she said, in as calm a voice as she could muster. 'And I'm so, so sorry that it did, but I didn't sleep with him, Em. I swear to you.'
Em's expression was full of hurt. There were tears welling in her eyes. She picked up her stuffed bear from where he had dropped on the floor beside her bed.
'C'mon, Em. What are you doing?' Tal intervened gently. 'We need to go to bed.'
'Getting the fuck out of here,' said Em. 'That's what I'm doing.' She whisked her doona off the bed in an instant, gathered her pillow, and left the room abruptly, slamming the door behind her so hard the gyprock wall shook.
Izzy slumped onto her bed. 'Do you think I should go after her?' she asked Zara, who was still hovering between beds.
'I'd leave her to cool down.'
Tal sat up in her bed on the far side of the dormitory. 'Are you okay, Iz?'
Izzy breathed deeply. She sat in silence, unable to respond to the question, so overwhelmed was she, with the force of Em's emotions. Finally, Zara got up out of her bed to switch the lights off. She came to comfort Izzy, wrapping her arms around her.
'Don't worry about it. Em's just hurt,' Zara said, stroking Izzy's hair. 'She'll be okay. Just give it some time.'
Izzy looked at her friend. The full realisation of what she'd done was just hitting her. 'You were right. I should not have said anything. She's never going to forgive me.'
'Just breathe, love,' Zara said. 'It'll be okay.'
'I don't think so.'
Izzy held back tears. She felt so stupid. What the hell was she thinking? When Zara tried squeezing her tighter, Izzy resisted. She didn't feel deserving.
Tal came over to join them.
'Scooch,' she said, climbing onto Izzy's bed, tucking the doona over her knees. With her friends comforting her, Izzy wondered who was looking out for Em. It was her job to take care of her, and she'd failed miserably. Zara had been right. Why, oh why had she not listened? She had an urge to take back her words and shove them deep down her own throat.
'Sweetie, this too shall pass,' Tal said, trying to cheer Izzy with one of her favourite affirmations. 'You know it will.'
Izzy wasn't convinced.
'Where do you guys think this sits on the scale of morality?' she asked miserably, plucking at her nightdress.
'Somewhere in between a lie and a murder,' Zara offered. 'Don't worry, its closer to a lie.'
'I'm going to hell, aren't I?'
'No, you're not honey,' Tal said, scrunching her face at Zara. 'The summer was just a bit of a disaster all round.'
'It kinda was,' Izzy agreed. 'At least for three of us.'
'Why, what else did I miss?' Zara sat up straight. Though she claimed to hate gossip, she did like to be in the know when it came to her friends.
'You haven't told her about Cole?' Izzy asked Tal.
'Nah,' Tal chuckled softly. 'If I don't say it out loud, it never really happened. Right?'
'Told me what?' Zara was perplexed.
Izzy looked to Tal for confirmation she could share her news with Zara. Tal nodded.
'Cole and Tal,' Izzy said. 'They finally got together on New Year.'
'Hey, what's wrong with that,' Zara asked. 'I thought you liked him?'
Izzy had thought the same. Cole and Tal seemed into each other in a big way. They were all over each other on the drive home from Uki but something obviously happened between them before school started. Izzy hadn't quite worked out what it was, but she knew it wasn't going well.
'It's uh, nothing really.' Tal said. 'We're not together, though. I don't think so, anyway.'
'Oh, honey, what happened?' Izzy said.
Tal grimaced. 'We.. ah.. kinda tried some stuff...y'know in the bedroom... and it didn't go so well.'
'What stuff exactly?' Zara pushed.
'Did he hurt you?' Izzy asked.
Tal balled the doona in her fist. 'Don't be silly. It's nothing like that. I just couldn't...y'know.'
'Couldn't what?' Zara said, seemingly oblivious to Tal's discomfort.
'OMG! This is so embarrassing.' Tal said.
'Tal, we are your friends,' Izzy comforted. 'We're not here to be judgey. Uncomfortable stuff happens to me all the time. And let's face it, you couldn't possibly have made more of a mess of things than I have.'
Tal raised her eyebrows. 'Okay, here goes,' she said with an audible sigh. She put her head down and spoke with a rush of muffled words into the pillow.
'So, I tried to give him a blowjob, but I gagged.'
Izzy burst out laughing.
'It was so ugghhh!' Tal said. 'I couldn't go through with it. I think I gave him blue balls, and now I'm too mortified to talk to him.'
'Oh dear, this is worse than I thought.' Zara chuckled.
Tal lifted her head. She looked grey. 'I can't even...'
'Where's Em when you need her, hey?' Zara winked at Izzy. 'She'd know what to do. She'd probably have you practice on a banana.'
Tal groaned miserably.
Izzy found herself feeling cheered up for the first time that night. It was so good to have the focus off of her.
'To be fair, Cole's probably also embarrassed,' Zara said. 'He might avoid you too for a while.'
Izzy nodded. 'Problem solved.'
'Oh well, it's perhaps for the best,' Tal said. 'Bish warned me that Cole still had a crush on you, Iz. I guess I was just a fill-in and now I'm benched.'
'Oh, for goodness' sake,' Izzy said.
The three of them sat in silence for a moment.
After a while, Izzy looked at Zara and said: 'Tell us, girl, how was your summer?'
'Yeah, c'mon Z,' Tal said. 'We're sick of talking about Watford boys. Did you meet anyone in Perth? What are the guys like over there?'
Zara laughed. 'You want to know about me, do you?' She stretched her arms dramatically. 'Well, I too had a saucy Christmas, that I did. A summer to rival both your dramas.'
Izzy was intrigued though she thought it unlikely. Zara had been known to describe herself as aromantic. A state of being that Izzy found difficult to wrap her head around and one she didn't truly believe applied to Zara though she'd received no evidence to the contrary. 'Go on...do tell,' she said encouraging her friend to open up.
'Actually,' Zara grinned. 'I kissed a girl, and I liked it.'
'Bullshit!' Tal said. 'C'mon truthfully?'
'No lie,' Zara said, smacking her lips together in jest. 'She tasted like cherry Chapstick!'
'You are so full of it,' Izzy scoffed. She leaned over and hugged Zara. After years of spending so much time together, she could tell when her friend was deflecting.
'What did you really get up to?' Tal asked. 'You must have some stories.'
'The truth is kind of boring,' Zara said. 'Aside from the usual touristy things, we didn't do much. Though I am pleased to inform you, I have now mastered the curly girl method... '. Zara struck a pose for effect, stroking her recently tamed mane of hair.
'Pause for applause, ladies...' Tal said, mock clapping.
Izzy laughed. Zara had been on and on about this new hair regime for months. Secretly, Izzy suspected her friend had spent the summer getting a head start on her HSC. Zara was always working to keep up academically, but she'd never admit it to her friends.
'Let's get some sleep, hey?' Zara said, squeezing Izzy's shoulder.
Tal stood up. 'I'm just gonna check on Em,' she said briskly. 'Maybe I can get her to come back to bed.'
'Good luck with that,' Zara said.
Izzy lay down on her bed and pulled her doona up to her chin. She blew a kiss at both her friends as they retreated. 'Love you guys.'
'You too, Iz,' said Zara.
'Sleep well, people,' Tal said, flicking the light switch, as she left the room. 'For tomorrow we dine in hell!'
'That's just you two.' Zara chuckled. 'Don't you be throwing me in the ring with you!'