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Last night...was terrible.
It was emotionally and physically exhausting to the point I can still feel the remnant of the exhausting troubles within me.
The moment V left the hospital, my eyes got glued to my phone screen waiting for his text or call that he's arrived home safely, and to also chat a bit with me before going to bed. But seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours and as I couldn't get my mind to rest and relax, I picked up my phone and called him but there was no response after several attempts.
My mind began to go haywire with thoughts of what could be or might be.
I managed to have dinner, my appetite was okay, so I had a good portion and while eating, my mind was able to calm from its race and also got the idea to send my selfie to the group chat. To see their reactions and to see if any was still awake.
But no other reactions than emojis and 'awwws', it baffled me because they always say more, they always chat more even when they are tired so why were their responses short?
That baffling question with my insecurities kick-started the horrible things I went through over night. It started with nausea, everything I thought tasted good suddenly reacted differently in my stomach. I threw up at least three times through the night, then the temporary insomnia kicked in because my mind won't just rest, it won't just stop forming thoughts that got tears welled up in my eyes, and when they were full, they began to stroll down my cheeks as I stare up to the ceiling of the hospital room.
I wasn't sure where all these troubling emotions were rooting from but they wouldn't stop, they wouldn't vanish and that made me start to overthink.
And it all revolved around my beauty, it was sickening to me to know that this is what my insecurity is about but I wasn't strong enough to fight it so they can clear off my mind. And them acting this way, distant, made the thoughts stay.
And that's how my night went; overthinking, crying silently and vomitting.
Nurse Hana came in at some point and saw my distraught state so she had to give me something to help me go to sleep and thanks to that I was about to get five hours of deep sleep only to wake up now and still find that nothingness feeling still residing in me.
What is wrong with me?
Is the chemo driving me nuts?
Or just my weak self?
I didn't know what to think anymore today, I was just tired of everything, being taken away from normalcy of living with my boyfriends to being alone in an hospital room.
Two knock sound woke me from my thinking stupor as my head shoot up to see who it was, knocking.
Maybe it's one of them or more?
That thought made me smile, maybe they wanted to surprise me this morning, maybe that's why they've been quiet.
"Hi hi!" A familiar voice boomed through straight up disappointing my expectation that it would be them.
"Hello Prisha." I smile at her, even though it isn't them, she's also one to put smiles on my face. She was dressed in a baggy denim pants with a body hug top and her waist length hair up in a tight ponytail. Her make-up was popping and she looked really beautiful overall.
"Surprise!" She cheered carrying a big box carefully into the room with a Lavender bouquet resting on top of it.
"What's this?" I asked, curious with a smiled etched on my lips.
"Everything we are going to be consuming for the next four hours." She answered, dropping it on the bed, at my feet and she stood there smiling brightly at me.
"Four hours?" My eyes widened, "Don't you have work?" I questioned. The emergency room is always busy and here she is dressed in casual and visiting me.
"Today is my off." She answers, pulling a chair to sit beside me, "I called Hana to ask about you and she told me you aren't feeling so pretty at the moment and you had a rough night." She blinks, looking at me seriously.
I could only nod like a guilty child.
"You know you are very beautiful right?" She asked, getting up to open the box and she brought out another small box that was in a blue colour and handed it to me. "Open it." She directed.
I did as she told, opening it carefully and the smell of a cake hit me but not just any cake, it was my favourite. Velvet cake.
Bringing it out of the box gently, I placed it on my laps and seeing what was written on it which made me teary and emotional.
For The Beautiful and Strong Ione.
Was what was written in a stylish font on it, I returned my gaze back at this angel in human form, staring at me softly. I couldn't utter any words because my heart was filled with various emotions but most importantly, I was feeling loved. By her.
"Ione," She called, grabbing my hand, "You are very beautiful, in and out. And I am not saying this to make you feel good like a friend should but because it's the factual truth." She says so softly, using her other hand to my pat my hand in her hold, "If I wasn't crushing on two hotties, I would definitely be crushing on you. The fact that you still look attractive in this new look and current condition, is amazing because you are an amazing woman. And you should feel good with yourself especially when you have seven men that showers you with it." She finishes, sitting down again.
"But that's the problem," I said in a low tone because I really need to share my troubles that kept me up all night, "I am feeling more insecure because they've not really been here and been keeping less contact lately. I can't help but feel sad." I tell her.
"Babe, these men dotes on you like you are a rare gem that must not get lost, they love you, or don't you believe that? Are you having doubts?" She quizzed.
I shake my head 'no'.
"They love me, I know that but why did they all of a sudden get so busy that I can see them like before, not even one. Tae came last night but left hurriedly, saying he was tired and I believe him but I still don't feel right with everything, I don't know...it's just unlike them." I expressed.
"It's not comeback season so they shouldn't be that busy but if they say they are and they can't make it, maybe they really are or have they given you any reason for you not to believe them?" She asked with a creased forehead.
"They haven't but I can't fight this annoying feeling." I answer, feeling angry at myself for my thoughts.
"It's okay to feel insecure with what you're going through but I want to believe all is fine with them. In the meantime, I am here for you." She grinned.
I nodded at her words, "I believe that too and I'll try to stop feeling this way because everything is fine."
Say it till you believe it.
"Good Ione, you and your loves are all good, let's enjoy our day, hmmmn?" She smiled at me and I can sense she's trying to also distract me from those thoughts so I quickly agreed to her fun plan by nodding.
"I took permission from Doctor Geum to be here for four hours," She informs me, "So I told my mum to make those Bulgogi Kimbap that you enjoyed the last time with this cake, I baked it myself,"She giggled with a tiny body dance, definitely proud of herself, "And I brought Monopoly so I can beat your ass at it." She sassed.
"You wish." I chuckle, "And thank you for everything, you're such a sweetheart but your mum is the sweetest darling." I smiled at her.
"I won't argue about that fact of my mum but about the Monopoly, I'm challenging you." She made a serious expression.
"We'll see about it." I chuckled.
"This is what I want to see." She says in English and smiled at me and that made me smile wider.
"Thanks Prisha, thank you." I say back in English.
"Knock knock!!" We heard Doctor Sunny's voice before he pushed open the door.
"Girls! It's so nice to see you both." He strode in, saying that with a small smile on his face.
"It's nice to see you too, Doctor Sunny." I answer, happy to see another familiar face.
"Can't you just try for once?" He raised his index finger up to gesture '1'.
"What?" I laugh through my question.
"Call me Sunny, just try it." He pleaded.
"Okay, let me give it a try." I say with a smile, seeing him almost every two days for the past weeks as made me feel like that formality I feel with him has reduced to a minimum so I wanted to give it a try.
"Sunny, it's nice to see you." I grin.
"Ahhhh, finally, it wasn't that hard right?" He quirked his brows, "It wasn't." I chuckle.
"So how have you been doing?" He queried. "I can say I'm okay, had a rough night but I'm better this morning and Prisha here is just the sweetest." I gaze at my dear friend.
"Good to hear that and yes, I agree with Prisha being a sweet girl." He nodded.
"And won't she just be perfect for you." I decided to tease the both of them.
"I know right, but Prisha here got her eyes on the two hottest couples in the emergency department so I am defeated with those two combined." He answers with a pout staring at a flustered Prisha.
"Wait...am I that obvious?" She questioned him.
"Obvious?" Sunny scoffed, "It's written all over your face. Everyone knows except the two." He tells her.
"Oh my God," Prisha gasped, "I should just disappear into thin air."
"Then who would I beat at Monopoly?" I chuckle making her smile through her flustered state.
"Doctor Geum said you'll be having another biopsy today to determine your next dose and if you will be able to go home by the end of the month." Sunny says to me.
"Oh yes, I hope for good result because chemo sucks." I nodded to his words.
"It does and I hope for the same too." Sunny agreed. "Me too." Prisha added with a smile.
"Okay girls, I'll get going. Have fun." Sunny announced and left with 'see you laters' being said.
"So where were we, my darling Ione?" Prisha ask in English, turning around. Her English is a bit accented making it sound even cuter with her voice.
"Food." I giggled, saying in French knowing I'll confuse her.
"I understand." She laughs catching on to my intention which got me surprised, "Studied few words in French because of you. You should learn few Indian words too or you won't understand when I start saying naughty things about you." She teases, it was evident in her eyes. But I was amazed by her action to learn a bit of my other language.
"I will do that but what naughty things do you plan to say?" I asked, amused by the mischievous glint in her eyes.
"Let's just say it involves things I'll to do to you if you weren't dating seven men. Lot of things." She says and winked, picking up a plastic knife to slice through the velvet cake.
"Prisha~" I laughed at how she's shamelessly flirting with me.
"What?" She ask with a slight smirk, "You can't stop my imagination and you can't stop me from admiring a beautiful sexy lady so shush and let's eat except you want me to eat you."
"Prisha!!!" I say, almost shouting.
"Then let's eat." She laughed. The air became so light and filled with fun as we ate the cake and the Kimbap, chit-chatting as we go. We had so many fun things to discuss and we even shared love for some Avril Lavigne songs, the ones from the 'Let Go' album.
Once we finished eating and I was glad I had no meds for today so I was able to move freely without having to pull the IV pole along with me because Prisha was so active and full on teasing especially when she beat me at Monopoly.
I realized I was bad at decision making when it comes buying properties and my luck wasn't so great whenever I hit chance.
We saw a romance K-drama movie, I let her cuddle up with me on the bed, she said I was only feeding into her imagination which caused me to laugh. She's erupted so many laughter from me in the span of three hours. I feel really happy that I gained someone like her in my life especially when I needed this kind of friendship the most. The day she was supposed to be resting at home, she decided to spend it with me, to make me feel better and came with goodies and good vibes.
She did so well filling that hole I've been feeling for days. The hole meant for my support system consisting of my seven boyfriends. The hole that made me feel lonely and caused doubt in me, making me insecure with myself.
Prisha did so well making me forget I was even in an hospital room being treated for cancer. She's definitely an amazing friend.
The time for my biopsy rolled in fast and Prisha was there for me this time around, she held my hand and talked me through it because I decided to go for the local anaesthesia, the one that only numbs the area that the needle will be inserted to get a bone marrow sample.
And now, we were back in my room with a new feeling settling within me. The wait for the result resurfaced the nerves and I started to hope everything should go well.
"Stay positive hmmmn, believe everything will be fine." Prisha said softly to me, she said more sweet and encouraging words before she left for home. I took a nap to allow those neves to sleep as well and also wishing Tae comes around today because none has responded to my text all day.
And I want to believe all is really fine.
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Today, the biopsy result will be out and I was very nervous, Prisha had come in earlier in the morning before her shift started to check up on me and make sure I wasn't too nervous. Hana also said comforting words to calm my flaring nerves before going home this morning because her shift was over.
And my boyfriends...nothing.
Even though Guk and Jinnie came around two days ago to check up on me, very brief visiting and I told them about today which I thought at least if they couldn't come because of the busyness then I'd have gotten a call and not to feel like a pathetic clingy girlfriend, I let them be.
I can do this by myself. Right?
And everything is fine with us. They are just really busy. They did look tired when they came around so that's all it is, tiredness. Nothing else. Our relationship is still firmly strong.
"Hello, Ione." Doctor Geum walked in with one of my assigned nurses who has also been tender with her care for me.
"Good afternoon, Doctor." I gave a small bow and shoot a smile at the Nurse.
"How's your day going?" He questioned, opening up my file set at the tall table at the foot of my bed.
"It's been going well, I started my Haematology course online two days ago, I've been able to dive into it deep and beginning to understand some things. My previous oncology knowledge made it easier." I smile as I tell him because it was one of the things that made the past few days bearable, distracting my mind from those sad thoughts and I'm proud of myself for making that decision.
"I'm so glad to hear that, other patients choose to do art and crafts stuff but you still stick to expanding your academic knowledge. That's amazing of you, Ione, keep going." He gave me a thumbs and I muttered a 'thank you.'
"So it's good news I have for you today," My mouth opened at that piece of information, "Your lymphocytes are almost back to the normal count and most of the blast cells are gone. One more week of induction therapy if things keep going this way then you will be able to go home and start your consolidation therapy. This is a huge progress, I'm happy for you." He expressed.
Oh my God....
"I-I...I'm more than happy to hear this." I tell him, my heart that was pounding in nervousness switched its rhythm to match that of a joyful beat which made me almost speechless. This is the first good thing I've heard in weeks, it made me feel light, like I needed to celebrate it but I kept calm.
"You should dear, we will decrease your dose for this week which means today is your last dose for this week since you've taken it for three days straight counting from Monday. The remaining four days will be free except tablets intake. By next week we'll do another biopsy and if it's the expected results, we'll go into the next phase of your chemotherapy." He explained gently.
"I'll keep up the positivity then." I grinned.
"Good, I'll see you later this week. Take care and keep studying because you are definitely going to be a smart doctor." His words gave me a new form of hope that my future is still bright.
He and the nurse took their leave wishing me well and left me to my happy thoughts.
I made a tiny squeal with a small dance on my bed, a bright smile spread across my face as I felt good with myself that this journey is showing shades of recovery.
The need to celebrate and jubilate surged through me but that mood quickly deflated as I realize that I was alone, the seven people that I very much want to celebrate with, to share this wonderful news with them weren't here with me.
I can't celebrate this milestone with the loves of my life.
And that's how a good day for me transformed into a sad one.
Are we really okay?
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[Word Count: 3151]
A/N: Prisha is a sweetheart!
And her result was okay... anyone with happy tears?
But no one to celebrate with....peeeeshhh.
See you in the next chapter... don't forget to vote ★
Love. Dura.