Is This Happiness?
chapter x
warnings: self harm, allusions
to an eating disorder, sex
LAYNE FELT LIKE HER LIMBS were beginning to break. She had to take her gloved hands off the mop to stretch her fingers, and the muck from pumping out was up to her elbows. Her earbuds were pushed deep into her ears playing Bob Marley and Layne felt, for once, like she was back to normal. Working at the marina was gross and often times embarrassing, but she made good money and it made her feel like a high schooler again—in a good way. Cleaning fish guts off boats and tying them to dock was like nostalgia was crawling up her spine.
"Three little birds...pitch by my doorstep..." she hummed to herself, trying to wring out the mop over the side of the boat. She stared down the side of the boat, and ran her fingers over the letters. Mt. Druther. "Fuck." She groaned, throwing the mop on the boat floor. This was Ward Cameron's boat, and she was fucking cleaning it. She was meeting her boyfriend's family for dinner later that night, and she was here, cleaning their boat.
She didn't hear Ward approach the boat with her ear buds in, the beat thrumming in her ears. She continued to curse to herself and pinch the bridge of her nose in distress until he clapped a calloused hand on her shoulder. Layne nearly jumped out of her skin, quickly yanking the wire of her headphones until they pulled out of her ear and hung down from her pocket.
"Shit, you scared me." Layne's face suddenly went red when she realized she had just cursed and she tripped over the mop, dropping it to the boat floor. Ward retracted his hand, letting out a small laugh and bending down to pick up the mop for her, and Layne quickly fumbled to stuff her headphones in her pocket and paused her music. "Sorry." she murmured, awkwardly shoved her hands in her pockets.
"Just came to move the boat." He held up the keys and jiggled them. "Alberto told me you were cleaning it. Just thought I'd come say hello and introduce myself. I'm Ward—Rafe's father."
Layne chuckled slightly and nodded her head. "Uh—yeah...yeah I know who you are." She laughed, itching the back of her neck, while Ward handed the mop back to her. She leaned it up against the side of the boat and nearly slipped on the wet floor. She was already making such a horrible first impression, she was going to be sick.
"I figured our first meeting shouldn't have really counted." he placed a hand on her arm and Layne tried hard to not retract it. His hand was dry and sort of cold, and she feared he would want to shake her obviously clammy and sweaty ones. Not to mention her hands were nearly covered in muck over her gloves and she smelled like a net full of fish. "I didn't realize when I brought the boat in to get in clean for tonight that my son's girlfriend would be the one cleaning it." He laughed, nudging her slightly, and Layne blushed but put on a fake smile.
"Yeah, well..." she started, staring down at her feet. Layne was most surprised that Rafe had told Ward about their so-called "dinner" tonight and didn't just have her randomly show up like every other time she had gone over there. They had been together for nearly three years and she had never officially met his parents or his sisters, and now she was nearly twenty and felt like she was seventeen all over again.
There was awkward silence and Ward ran his hand over his face. "OK, well...I'll let you go." he rummaged around in his pocket as if looking for tip cash, but Layne shook her head. "No, no, don't worry about it, really." She felt so embarrassed and wanted to shrivel up and die. He probably knew that she was a pogue, with no money, scrubbing rich people's boat as a job and that his son was pity-fucking the poor girl. She wondered if he ever heard when Rafe would yell at her, or if he ever even knew that they were together prior to the summer. Ward must think they just started dating.
"Right. Well...I'll see you tonight, sweetheart." He gave her a soft pat on the shoulder and brushed past her. Layne stood in her spot for a moment before heaving the mop and bucket up and nearly running off the boat. She emptied the bucket and shoved it and the mop back into the shed by the end of the dock, and locked it with the keys in her pockets. She noticed her gloves were ripped by the thumb so she threw them out. Alberto would probably yell at her for doing so, but she didn't really care. Just tape 'em back together, he would say, throwing his hands up while huffing and puffing.
Layne clocked out early and sat in her car for a moment, leaning her forehead against the steering wheel. That was so embarrassing she thought she was going to die. Her heart was still racing in her chest and she searched her car to see if she had any weed to calm her down, but there was nothing. She didn't even have her wallet and realized she had been driving without her license all day.
Letting out a shaky breath, Layne picked up her phone and scrolled through her text messages with Rafe that had ceased late last night. He left really early in the morning while Layne was asleep and she woke up to her cat Luna in his place. She had to drag herself to work early this morning and for some reason, cleaning the boats, tying them to docks and doing paper work was therapeutic. It kept her mind off of the multitude of things that seemed to be going wrong in her life, and now her boyfriends rich asshole father knows that she is the one who cleans their boat.
The sun was still high in the sky when she got home, despite it nearly being five o'clock. Layne texted Rafe while she leaned against the counter asking what time she should be over. The typing, moving dots on the text bubble popped up three times before it was just left on read. She sighed and leaned her head in her hands, the house being quiet despite Luna's meowing while she stretched across the kitchen counter, moving to nestle against Layne's hands. She picked Luna up and carried her to her room, gently placing her down on her bed and moving to her closer to pick out a dress.
What would she even wear? She suddenly remembered that she never had been to something like this. She wasn't meeting his family for the first time, but she was officially showing them that she wasn't just some sort of late night hook-up and that she actually had decency. It was like a constant battle in her head to prove to herself that she wasn't a late night hook-up to Rafe, and it had been like that since the beginning.
Layne sifted through the sun dresses in her closet and skirts in her drawers, nearly throwing everything into a pile onto the ground. Her room was a mess and she tried on multiple dresses that were several sizes too big that had fit her last summer. Layne started to cry and picked at the scab on the inside of her elbow, hissing at the pain and watching the blood drip down her arm. "Fuck." she inhaled, pushing the heels of her palm into her eyes and rubbing vigorously.
The hot shower water stung the cut, and Layne shakily shaved her legs and every other part of her body to make herself feel clean and wanted. She nipped the skin around her knee and cursed to herself before patting it with the washcloth. She lathered herself in lotion and wrapped her hair in the towel. Layne had chosen a green sundress that she had to pin in the back so that it fit her properly. She brushed through the wet knots in her hair and let them hang over shoulders while she attempted to do her makeup. Layne started to cry while rubbing a tinted moisturizer that Claudia had gotten for her into her face and started to get annoyed at herself while the makeup smeared off. "Why the fuck are you crying?" she exhaled, rubbing away the tears from her eyes.
Her eyes and the skin around it was red and puffy, and she tried to cover it up as much as possible. Layne contemplated wearing a sweater over her arms, so that they couldn't see her fresh and old scabs, and the bruises Rafe left on them, but it was way too hot and she was already sweating just sitting in her room. She tried to cover up the marks left on her neck with makeup, as well as her arms. Her hair was halfway dry and she clipped back some hair from the front of her face. There was a necklace sitting on her vanity that her mother had gifted to her before she went away to school. It was cold against her sun-scorched skin and she held it for a moment before her phone buzzed.
Come over now
"Fuck." She cursed, Layne frantically getting up and shoving her feet into a pair of sandals that were old and beaten up. She slung a purse over her shoulder and put her wallet inside, rummaging through her parents alcohol cabinet looking for an unopened bottle of wine. There was a bottle of red in the back, that was slightly dusty, so she blew off the dust and tucked it under her arm. Layne went into her mother's bedroom and sprayed some of her nearly-gone Chanel perfume on her wrists and neck.
Grabbing her keys, Layne nearly sped away toward Rafe's house. She didn't even bother to play music on the way there because her heart beat was loud enough in her ears. She texted her mom before she left that she was going over there for dinner.
OK. No sleepovers please.
Layne rolled her eyes at the text because she knew Rafe was going to convince her to sleep over anyway.
She parked on the curb, popping her driver side door open to make sure she was close enough. It was a habit she had ever since she started driving. She checked her makeup and hair in her rearview mirror before turning off her car, grabbing the wine, and shakily making her way toward the front door. Her palms were sweating and she had to fight the urge to pick away at the scabs on her arms or bite the flesh of her bicep.
She rung the doorbell, and could hear the sound echo throughout the house before there was a chorus of footsteps coming down the staircase toward the front door. Rafe opened it, dressed in a golf shirt and a pair of khaki shorts, hair parted down the middle and sweat beading on his forehead. "Hey." He breathed, itching the back of his neck. "Hi." she whispered, and he leaned forward to place a kiss on her head.
"Uh—come in." he moved aside, and she walked inside. The foyer was as it always was—clean, empty, and slightly cold. Or maybe she was just always cold. "You look pretty." Rafe ran his hands up and down her arms, and Ward rounded the corner from the kitchen. "Layne." He smiled, and she turned around, feeling slightly awkward. "Good to see you sweetheart—again." he laughed, taking Layne aback from the way he instantly went to hug her, his hand resting on the small of her back and placing a kiss on her cheek.
"Dinner will be ready soon...Rafe, take her outside." Ward nodded towards the patio, and Rafe let out a heavy breath, like he was annoyed. Layne knew that Rafe never liked his father, and constantly had problems with him. It was too often that she coddled him after Ward kicked him out, or when Rafe got into an argument with him, sometimes showing up with a bruised jaw. Layne didn't want to like Ward, because Rafe didn't like him.
Rose, Sarah and Wheezie were setting up the table while the girls poured lemonade into their glasses and Rose had a large glass of white wine. White. Layne had brought red wine and wanted to smash the bottle over her own head. None of them got up from their seats, only smiling small and waving to her from their seats. Rose already looked disgusted as though she didn't want to be there, and Layne couldn't help but feel the same way.
"Hi...I uh—I brought this." Layne held up the bottle of wine, still ogling at the glass of white wine in Rose's hand, and she wasn't sure why she was so mortified. Rose grinned, standing up to take it. "Thank you, honey...this'll be good for cooking." she muttered, and Layne's face turned red. Rafe chuckled under his breath and was about to sit down, until Ward came outside with a plate of bluefin tuna, and Rafe suddenly moved to pull her chair out for her, as if trying to prove himself. Layne stood there, partly in shock and partly in love, before sitting down on the cushioned chair as Rafe helped her scoot forward, before sitting down next to her.
"I love your dress," Sarah complimented, taking a sip of her lemonade. "Where'd you get it?" it almost sounded like she was painfully pushing the words out, and kept glancing over at her phone like she was waiting for someone to save her. Layne inhaled, looking down at the sundress and shrugging.
"Thanks...I actually don't know. I think uh—I think my mom bought it for me last summer." she smiled, Rafe sniffing and itching his face before reaching for the can of beer that was in the cooler next to the table. Ward watched him carefully and then looked at Layne. "You're not gonna ask your girl if she wants anything?"
Rafe turned red, cracking open the can and pouring it into a chilled glass. "Shit, right—you want me to open that?" he nodded toward the bottle of wine, and Layne felt slightly embarrassed because she hated red wine, but nodded anyway.
"You're such a gentleman." Wheezie laughed, and Rafe kicked her under the table. "Shut up, Wheezie." he spat, and Ward held his hand up, while Layne tried to stifle a laugh. "You two just shut up and eat." he took some of the tuna off of the platter and began passing it around. Rafe nearly took all the tuna onto his own plate, but Layne didn't complain, because her stomach was churning and she wasn't sure if she could even eat anything.
Rafe opened the bottle of wine and poured some into her glass, and Layne took a sip, trying hard to swallow it without throwing it up from nerves. "So...Layne. Rafe told us you're not going back to ECU?" Rose took a bite of her tuna, while Layne played with the vegetables on her plate. She had never said that—Rafe just wanted to trap her there, and Layne seemed to be OK with that. "I uh—I'm not really sure what I'm doing." she muttered, taking a small bite of the tuna. Her other hand writhed the napkin in and out of her hand on her lap.
"What're you going to school for?" Sarah asked, cutting up her tuna and mixing it with the vegetables. Layne shrugged, for she hated that question. "I'm undecided. Just used the past year to get all my required classes done."
Ward nodded, sipping his beer. "Seems like you don't really know what you want." He said it so casually, and Layne wasn't sure if he was purposely being rude, or if what he said even was rude. It sounded more inquisitive, but Layne had a permanent state of embarrassment that she wasn't sure was justified or not. "At least she's going to college." Rose snorted, seemingly intoxicated by her multiple glasses of wine, her face flushed.
Rafe gripped his fork tightly, his knuckles turning white, and just dug into the food even more. He was eating so much it made Layne sick to the stomach as she hardly touched her own plate—she wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, but she just felt like it was terribly hard to eat in front of people. It had always been hard for her, especially in anxiety inducing situations.
"We all agreed I would stay here and help dad." Rafe muttered, mouth full of tuna, and Sarah sighed, still looking over at her phone. Rose shrugged, pouring herself more wine. "Yeah, well, it doesn't seem like that's really working out, is it?" she muttered, and Layne felt incredibly awkward.
"Yeah, OK Rose, pour yourself more wine." he murmured, downing the rest of his beer. Ward clasped his hands in front of his mouth and shook his head. "Will you two stop? You're making Layne uncomfortable. She's hardly touched her food." He nodded towards her full plate, while everyone's was almost empty. Ward seemed so fake—he was smiling at her like she was prey, and was trying to look concerned, but only made her even more anxious.
"Look at her, she hardly eats anyway." Rose commented, making Layne nearly drop her fork and leave altogether.
"Rose, what the fuck?" Sarah spat, and Ward turned to her with wide eyes. "Language." He hissed, throwing his hands up. Layne shifted uncomfortably in her seat, crossing her legs over each other. She wanted to go home—she had been here for hardly an hour and already she felt like she was going to cry.
Layne tried to eat more of her tuna as they all seemed to be waiting for her, Rafe staring at her plate when she put her utensils down. "You gonna finish that?" he asked, and Layne tried not to look at anyone but him. "Uh—you can have it." she handed him her plate like she did the night before, and he put it on top of his before eating the rest of her dinner in hardly ten minutes. The sun had long since set, the stars in the sky and the fairy lights put up around the trees shined down on them. She saw the boat in the distance bobbing against the water and tried to focus on that instead of the overwhelming urge to hurt herself.
She drank the rest of her wine and picked at her nails, wanting the overwhelmingly awkward dinner to be over. Her heart was racing in her ears and her hands ghosted over the scab on her elbow and the bruise the shape of Rafe's hand on her arms and neck. Wheezie ogled at them for a moment. "What happened to your arm and neck?" she asked innocently, and Rafe squeezed Layne's thigh under the table. Layne stared at him for a moment, her mouth slack and dry, before clearing her throat and blinking. "Oh uh—I got hurt. I got hurt surfing." she lied, toying with the napkin on the table. There was a silence that fell over the table, Ward watching her intently, while Rose sipped her wine and stared at Rafe, who was just focused on the plate in front of him, and took his hand off of her leg.
"I'm uh...where's the bathroom?" she asked, standing up abruptly. Ward exhaled, pointing to the door. "First door on your left." he nodded, and Layne quickly walked inside before she could start crying in front of them. She felt so humiliated, and all she wanted to do was pick away at her skin until she bled everywhere and make herself throw up in the toilet.
She closed the door quietly, locking it and leaning against the sink, manually breathing, before she started to cry, and tore the band-aid off her elbow and picked away at the scab, not stopping even when it hurt. She cursed at herself when blood started to pool all down her arm. Layne gathered a ball of toilet paper and wet it, anxiously scrubbing away the blood and hissing at the pressure.
Layne stared at herself in the mirror with distaste. She picked apart everything about her appearance and how pathetic she was, that she couldn't even cover up the bruises on her arms or make proper conversation with the family of the boy whom she had been tirelessly devoted to for years. Now she was staring at herself, wishing she could crawl into the cabinet beneath the sink and rot there for eternity.
Layne scavenged the drawers to find some sort of bandage, but was out of luck, and ending up just holding her hand over the dried bloody mess and trying to make it less noticeable, alongside the red and puffy skin of her eyes.
When she opened the door, Sarah was standing on the other side, and looked her up and down. "Jesus, what happened? Are you OK?" she asked, and Layne harshly bit her lip. Rafe was around the corner, in the kitchen, helping Ward and Rose bring in the dishes, and immediately came running into the room, anxiously itching his neck. "Yeah, I'm uh—"
"She's fine." Rafe muttered, moving to gently grab Layne's forearm.
"I wasn't talking to you, Rafe," she stopped him in his tracks. "Are you actually OK?" she asked again, and Layne nodded. "Yeah—yeah I'm fine." she couldn't understand why she had to lie, but it was better and easier than the truth. "Like I told you. C'mon, we're going to my room." Rafe dragged her into his bedroom before she had the chance to thank Ward and Rose for dinner. Although, part of her didn't even want to thank her.
Rafe closed the door gently behind them, keeping his ear close to the door to make sure that there weren't any more footsteps following them. He didn't hear any and locked the door. "I don't think you're parents like me very much."
"They don't like anyone. Besides, I've never really brought a girl home before." Layne wasn't really surprised by this. It took him almost a year for him to even let her into his house, and almost three years for her to meet his parents—and now here she was, bleeding into her own hand, sitting on his bed and wondering if his dad and stepmom were as disgusted by her like she was with herself.
"Why are you bleeding?" he asked, standing over her, and Layne looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. "Layne, why are you bleeding?" he stepped closer, moving to take her hand away. Layne tried to fight against him, but he pried her hand away like she was made of paper. "Jesus. You said you would stop doing this." He winced at the almost infected scab, ghosting his thumb over it as his hand still rested on her arm. Layne scrunched up her face and pulled away from him. "Yeah, well, it's not as easy as it looks..."
Rafe took his hand off her elbow and prodded his finger at the bruise on her arm that was just starting to turn green. "Why didn't you cover this?" he brushed his finger up her arm to her neck, and Layne felt goosebumps spread over her skin. It felt like he was dragging daggers over her flesh—it wouldn't be painful if it wasn't him.
"Or this?" he sighed, pulling his hands away. Layne sighed, hanging her head low. "I did. I just...it's hot, I was sweating." she tried not to look at him, but he kept sighing as though she had let him down. Layne couldn't understand why she felt guilty about something that he did, but it was coming up her throat like vomit. The guilt was like a sleeping tiger in her stomach. He ran his thumb over her bottom lip, staring at it, while she stared at him.
"You've been a good girl lately...like I asked," his hand moved to hold her neck, but gently, and exhaled on her skin. "If you keep being good...you won't have to worry. I'll take care of you." he kissed her neck, his one hand going around her waist, while the other brushed up her thigh and under her dress. He kissed up her neck and jaw, pulling away to look at her lips again. "Open your mouth." he muttered, and she listened, Rafe sticking his tongue in, making her lose her breath. They kissed deeply for a few moments, Layne cautiously running her hands over his chest. He pulled away for a moment.
"You know I'm the only one who can make you feel good..." he whispered, using his thumb to part her lips, and she took it in her mouth gently. He groaned lowly, watching as she held his large hand with her tiny ones, and pulled away despite the pit forming in his stomach. They kissed again, Layne slightly too eager, and Rafe pulled away for a moment. "Slow, slow..." he guided her further back toward the headboard, running his hands up her back and catching the pin in the back of her dress.
"What is this?" he breathed, continuing to kiss her, and Layne exhaled. "Dress was too big." she moaned, brain fuzzy from the wine and skin hot from him touching her. He accidentally ripped the back of her dress trying to get it off and Layne winced. "You're so tiny...losing weight just for me...I'm so proud of you." he kissed up and down her neck, and Layne felt tears spark in her eyes. She wasn't sure if she was happy or not, hearing him say that. He was proud of her for something so sinister. Now she knew she needed to be like this, just for him. He took her food and basked in her willingness. He had this control over her, and Layne was too terrified to let it go.
"Lay down, baby." he whispered, pulling her dress down her body. He licked and kissed down her chest, stomach and thighs, and Layne sighed in pleasure. He pulled her underwear and shoes off in one swift movement and made his way back up her body, and Layne tugged at the bottom of his shirt. He moved his hands over his shoulders to pull off his shirt, throwing it off the side of his bed. "Fuck, you're so wet." he breathed into her mouth, Layne moaning at his cold hands.
He touched her until she came, a crumbled mess on his bed, head tucked into his shoulder as she tried to keep quiet. "God, I love you." he whispered into her ear, sitting back to take his belt and jeans off. She held him close, gripping his back, and he fisted the sheets next to her head. She tried to quell her noises by kissing him, and biting his lip. Layne always felt powerful while they were having sex, because it was the one control she had over him. "I want you to come in me." she breathed, hands going into his hair. Rafe grunted, moving to hold the back of her neck.
"Really?" he groaned, biting the skin of her jaw. Layne hummed, and he breathed out shakily. "Fuck." He laid on top of her for a moment after they finished, moving slowly to lay next to her, releasing a heavy breath. "You're not gonna get pregnant, are you?"
"No." she sighed, catching her breath. She felt like she was melting into the sheets. Layne couldn't stop thinking about what he said earlier, about her losing weight for him. She felt gross and used. She wanted to ask about it, but felt like her mouth was glued shut. "Did you mean what you said?" she blurted out, staring at the ceiling fan circling around and around. "Huh?" he groaned, getting up and grabbing the towel hanging from the back of his door.
"That you're proud of me."
Rafe moved toward his bathroom, nodding his head, but she knew he wasn't listening. "Of course I did." he was lying, she could tell, and he probably didn't even remember what he said. "I'm gonna shower...you wanna come?" he smirked, and she just shook her head.
A few seconds later, the shower turned on and Layne got up to leave. She was still sticky from before and had to put on her ripped dress. When she walked downstairs, it was dead silent, except for the humming of the television in the other room. Layne peeked inside to see Wheezie asleep, her head on Ward's lap, with Rose asleep on the chase of the couch.
"Thanks for dinner." Layne smiled, hair everywhere and a film of sweat over her body. Ward yawned and nodded at her. "You're always welcome, Layne. Drive home safe sweetheart...and don't tell your parents I let you drink." he laughed. Layne only gave a small smile. She wasn't going to tell her parents anything.
authors note: spicy and late chapter. love you guys! next act starts in season oneeeeee!!!! I'm so excited!!