author's notes: so i haven't been on wattpad in like 3 years how is everyone? i need to blab for a bit before the story, so bear with me; i promise this'll be my longest authors note.
i've kept my distance from wattpad because i feel like this is the site for either multi-chapter stories or drabble collections, neither of which i write. but since i've finally crawled my way out of oneshot hell, i figured i should brush the dust off this account and post here!
i started this when perilous trail was xiao's latest appearance, so consider this canon divergence from that point on.
this fic doesn't focus on any romantic relationships; however, the dynamics between characters are definitely up for interpretation.
i don't think this story is violent, but it does constantly reference xiao's past so. yk. take that as you will.
this fic is also on ao3 and under the username 'pxlarizing.'
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CHAPTER WORD COUNT: 4278
ESTIMATED TIME TO READ: about 20 minutes
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Amber gingko leaves flutter from the trees of Mount Aocang into the lake, leaving ripples on the water. Xiao watches the coral angelfish twist around plumb reeds; frogs sunbathe on the rocks, croaking intermittently; and a lone qingxin flower sway, sprouting impossibly from the fissures in the rock. He turns his head to the clinking of ceramic; Rex Lapis sets an empty cup and saucer across from him on the stone table. "Have a seat."
Hesitantly, he lowers onto the stool. Rex Lapis lifts a steaming teapot, leaning forwards to pour into Xiao's cup. "This is a simple blend of qingxin tea, scented with flowers from the peaks of Qingce Village. I hope it is to your liking."
While the god pours his own tea, Xiao weaves his fingers under the handle of his cup, letting the heat from the liquid seep into his palm. Rex Lapis nurses his own cup between his hands. "It has been many years since we last convened like this. Now that I have stepped down from my duties as the Geo Archon, perhaps we can meet more often to simply chat."
"If you wish," Xiao agrees softly-then more firm, "but I had a purpose for meeting with you today."
The floral fragrance of the tea wafts between them. Rex Lapis raises his cup to his lips, taking a long sip. "Another time, then. You may speak."
"I want to thank you," Xiao says, "for saving my life once more in the Chasm."
At that, Rex Lapis sets down his cup with a clink. "The credit is not mine alone. It was your sacrifice that opened a gateway to that dimension, a gateway I merely took advantage of."
Xiao drops his gaze to his teacup, watching the liquid swirl slowly. Thin threads of self-consciousness prickle at his chest along with an unsteady suspicion that he misstepped; it seems Rex Lapis has denied his gratitude. The god does not say more, letting the tension linger in the ambiance, and Xiao eventually fills the silence with a respectful, "May I ask a question?"
"Of course."
Xiao lolls his tongue around his mouth as if chewing his words. "Were you aware of what I would discover down there?"
Rex Lapis leans backwards, closing his eyes. "If by that you mean was I aware of the chaotic nature of that space, then yes. When high concentrations of Celestial and Abyssal energies intersect, the space around them is affected. However," he opens his eyes, "if you are referring to the truth behind the lost Yaksha, then no. I'll admit, I was just as curious as you. The Yakshas' service to Rex Lapis is one that can never be paid back. It is only right that you, as well as I, immortalize their tales."
Xiao nods. "I agree, but if not for the humans who coincidentally fell there as well, it wouldn't have been possible for the truth to escape along with me."
Rex Lapis leans forward, folding his arms on the table. Sincerity oozes from his gaze, and the cadence of his voice is resolute. "Know that wittingly allowing you to walk into danger is not a testament to how much I value you. Rather... I believe that you should have the chance to pursue your desires."
Xiao averts his eyes; the look of intense earnestness Rex Lapis gives him twists his heart. "I appreciate your confidence in me," he replies. Then he straightens, matching Rex Lapis' solemnity. "I abandoned my post for this matter and this matter alone. I will continue my war against the darkness that plagues Liyue."
The god falls silent. After a moment, he reaches for his teacup, raising it to his lips and taking a long draw. The frogs caw by the waterside. A light gale rustles the saffron leaves. Rex Lapis' cup clicks against the porcelain saucer when he sets it down again. "Xiao," he begins, a strange meld of wistful and grave, "have I ever explained to you what prompted my decision to step down as Geo Archon?"
Xiao removes his hands from his teacup, resting them in his lap; he has no reason to pretend he'll drink the tea. "No."
Rex Lapis turns his head to gaze at the horizon. "On an ordinary day, I was strolling through Liyue Harbor when I overheard a merchant tell one of his workers the following words: 'You have completed your duties for the day. Go home and rest.' I stood amidst the bustling crowd, thinking of how I taught Liyue to construct houses until they could build with their own hands. I provided divine predictions until they could tell the ways of the market by themselves. I walked among them incognito because they could perform everything on their own. I thought to myself... have I already finished my duties without realizing?"
He huffs something like a laugh, turning back to the table. Continuing softly, "It was a boring, insignificant moment, but it meant everything to me. It taught me the value of modest words." He sets his palms flat on the table, pushing himself up to stand. At his full height with the sun behind him, he gleams golden. "I have always been a god of action, so please, allow me to be a man of words."
He circles the table, moving in slow, deliberate movements, ending at Xiao's side. Then, he bends, lowering himself to one knee, then two, until he is kneeling to Xiao. "You may not understand this yet," his voice rumbles, and he bows his head, hiding his molten eyes from view, "but I have deeply failed you."
For the first time, Xiao is above Rex Lapis, and the servant within him chimes wrong, wrong, wrong. Kneeling low with his golden eyes out of view, the former-god's demeanor is modest and vulnerable-human in a way Rex Lapis has never been before. "That day when our positions were reversed," Rex Lapis says, "you were kneeling in the mud, coated in blood that wasn't yours, and I saw a weapon where I should've seen a victim. As you condemned yourself to an eternal war, drifted away from humanity and your fellow Adepti, and denied yourself curiosity for the mortal sphere you protected, I passively stood by and allowed it to happen. Your contract was designed as ceaseless and unequal, and as the God of Contracts, I cannot allow this transgression to go unamended."
Rex Lapis lifts his head, eyes dripping integrity like liquid gold. "This is why I am telling you now, directly, that our contract was made void the moment I signed the Contract to End All Contracts," he says, and the threads holding Xiao's heart together snap. "The thousand years of torment you have endured can never be reversed. Even so, I hold hope that you will one day live happily. For too long, your service has received no gratitude. Allow me to correct that now."
His voice is too gentle for the way he changes everything Xiao once held as constant. "Blaming yourself is senseless," he whispers. His voice shakes. His hands shake. "I agreed to our contract knowing of its futility, and I never viewed it as a punishment. All I know is massacre, and I have long accepted that I cannot reconstruct myself for peace."
"Your misdeeds have been repaid in full, but I understand why you still cling to our contract. I too pondered the question of what purpose Rex Lapis would serve in the dawn of mankind, and it took a great amount of time for me to accept the answer. Carefully, he lays his hand over Xiao's. "I did not rescue you just to subject you to more carnage. I will not repeat my mistakes."
Underneath his palm, Rex Lapis can surely feel how Xiao's hands tremble. He swallows thickly. "I do not know what purpose a slaughter could ever hope to serve in times of peace."
"That question is one you must answer," Rex Lapis says patiently. "Only once you understand the value of your life will I accept your thanks for saving it."
The way the master kneels before his servant, shares his vulnerability, allows a contract to erode away-everything about this is wrong. Rex Lapis upholds a reputation of infallibleness, as constant as the earth itself. As that image shatters, vertigo washes over him, and blood roars in his ears, repeating wrong, wrong, wrong. He has to do something to regain stability, has to get Rex Lapis to stand again, has to right this sense of wrong, wrong, wrong.
"...I will try," Xiao mutters, and Rex Lapis glows with pride, lips pulling into the widest smile to ever appear on his face. But he rises to stand once again, and that's all that matters.
--- ✧ ---
Only once Xiao returns to Wangshu Inn, secluded on the rooftop with the stars shimmering above him, does he process what he agreed to. Rex Lapis had terminated their contract, requested that he find a new purpose, asked Xiao if he would unlearn everything he has ever known-and Xiao agreed to try.
An agreement between two parties, a task to execute-although it may not have been explicitly defined as such, in a way, this is another contract. Xiao cannot lie to Rex Lapis, so it seems he will have to honor his end of the deal, even though he knows it will be the hardest thing he's ever done.
— ~ • ~ — I. INVITATION TO A MUNDANE LIFE — ~ • ~ —
What purpose does Rex Lapis serve in the dawn of mankind?
What purpose does a slaughterer have in times of peace?
These are the questions that Xiao mulls over in the following days.
He tries to avoid submitting to the call of battle, but from Wangshu Inn's rooftop, he can sense evil presences scattered all across Dihua Marsh. Not one for idleness, Xiao ponders his dilemma through action. He pours his frustration into his blows, fighting whatever his senses notice; at the very least, his plight serves some external purpose.
But the more camps he decimates, the more guilt builds in his chest, and the more guilt he accumulates, the more fighting he does. From dawn to dusk, Xiao battles anything that moves. Eventually, he stands in the middle of the marsh, scanning for something else to attack. Nothing remains.
("This is why I am telling you now, directly, that our contract was made void. Your misdeeds have been repaid in full.")
He returns to Wangshu Inn. The familiar stickiness of blood on his skin brings a strange sense of comfort; underneath it lies penitence.
In a way, he knew this was coming. Liyue's mortals proved their resilience in the battle against Osial, then stood their ground on their own against Beisht. With each threat, Liyue grows stronger, gains more stability on its own two feet. It was simply a matter of time before their capabilities extended to Xiao's task.
Even their Archon noticed his rule held them back. Settled into a life of trivial pastimes, Liyue's former god smiles easier. He isn't the only immortal to pursue such a life; Xiao's heard tales of how Mondstadt's Archon walks among his people as an ordinary bard, how Yanfei and Ganyu both function as citizens of Liyue-even the other Yakshas once shared a dream of retiring to a mortal's life of simplicity. Xiao has never understood the appeal. Why were so many immortals enticed to the life of a human?
He's never pursued that line of inquiry-not because of a lack of curiosity, but because he's long come to terms with the fact that such a life is impossible for him. Days of leisure were things he sought to protect, not obtain. His karmic debt would forever soil those moments. Relaxation, contentment-war did not allow space for these.
Perhaps he knew this was coming; perhaps he stubbornly-desperately-clings to his framework of the world, to the notion that it's too late to reinvent his war-ridden mindset for mundanity.
Xiao waits for the sun to rise, for the world to reawaken, and like always, he throws himself back into battle.
--- ✧ ---
There is another promise Xiao made-given to a traveler by a temple where grief dripped from the decaying wood, where sunlight bled crimson over the horizon: from this day on, heroes will always look out for each other.
Before the Traveler arrived, the thought of incurring assistance would've never crossed Xiao's mind. But with unending patience, determination, and a bit too much impudence, Aether worked his way through Xiao's cement walls and challenged his fundamental principles. If there's anyone Xiao can trust with this matter, it's the Traveler.
Usually when the Traveler climbs up to the balcony with a plate of almond tofu, Xiao would already be waiting on the rooftop, poised to appear at his beckoning. This time, he arrives fresh out of battle. "Traveler."
"Xiao," Aether replies, his smile audible in his voice. His eyes scan over the mess of blood staining Xiao's clothing, the ichor dribbling from his spear. Xiao tries to school his expression into something resembling neutrality, but because he's Aether, he sees past it anyways. Xiao disperses his spear, moving to grab the plate, but Aether holds it out of reach. "You'll have to clean up first," he admonishes, nothing but warmth in his voice.
Xiao pauses to glance down at his hands. With so much blood caked over his gloves, the fabric could be mistaken as scarlet instead of teal. "...Yes," he agrees, and he readies himself to teleport to a nearby water source.
"Hey," Aether's voice stops him. "You can come to my room to wash up if you'd like."
Xiao hesitates, knitting his brows. "I do not wish to impose."
Aether takes a step forwards. His grin remains light, but sincerity weighs down his gaze. "I wouldn't offer it if it was imposing," he says firmly, leaving no room for Xiao to disbelieve him.
There is another promise Xiao made-given to a traveler who laid a gentle hand on his back after they escaped, who spoke with tears prickling the corners of his eyes, trying desperately to convince Xiao to value his life even though he knew it was futile: I accept your advice.
Supporting each other is how people survive.
If there is one thing Xiao will never do, it is go back on his word. He told Aether that he would heed his advice-it's time to prove it. "If you insist," Xiao concedes, and a hint of surprise crosses Aether's face before his mouth splits into a wide, blinding smile.
He leads Xiao into one of the inn's rooms. Fast asleep on the bed is his floating companion, splayed out in a way that leaves hardly any room for the Traveler. Aether leaves the plate of almond tofu on the table, careful not to make any noise, then ushers Xiao into the bathroom and closes the door behind them. Xiao takes a seat on the edge of the bathtub. The silence rings between them.
"Your clothes need to be cleaned," Aether finally says. "I'll bring you something to change into in the meantime. Are you injured? I can bandage you up."
Xiao shakes his head. "This blood is not mine."
"Okay." Aether steps closer and reaches for him; Xiao meets him halfway, placing his hands in Aether's, palms facing up. "Can I take off your gloves?"
"I am fully capable of removing them myself."
"Yeah, but it's... different," he whispers, tracing circles over Xiao's knuckles with his thumb, "if I do it for you."
Xiao hums, tacitly approving. The Traveler pinches the cloth of his glove and slides it off his fingers, agonizingly gentle. He repeats the motion with the other and hands both gloves back to Xiao, who tucks them into his sash. Stepping away, Aether disappears out of the bathroom. Xiao hears the closet doors creak quietly, and after a moment, the Traveler pokes his head through the doorway, holding out what seems to be Wangshu Inn's complementary set of pajamas.
"Wash your hands and change," Aether says, passing over the clothes. "I'll wait for you in my room."
"And what of your companion?" Xiao asks, moving closer to the faucet.
Aether waves a hand. "Eh, I'll kick her out, don't worry about her."
Aether closes the door for him, and Xiao rinses the grime off his hands before changing into the spare pajamas. He opens the door just in time to witness the last threads of Aether and Paimon's conversation; Paimon disappears in a shimmer of stars, and Aether glances over to the sound of the bathroom door opening. "Just leave your clothes in the bathroom. I'll take care of them for you."
It's a simple gesture, but Xiao will never get used to the Traveler's consideration. "Thank you," he replies in a low voice.
Aether sits on the floor, leaning back against the bed-frame and hugging a pillow to his chest. Xiao retrieves the plate of almond tofu from the desk then sits across from him. The food grew lukewarm in the time it took to clean up, but Xiao pays it little attention. Once he clears the plate, Aether takes it from his hands and sets it on the nightstand.
"Traveler," Xiao begins, and the words come out stilted, "I am... in need of your advice."
Immediately, Aether sits up straighter. "Okay. I'm happy to help you."
His eagerness erases any lingering traces of doubt Xiao had. "I recently spoke with Rex Lapis. He informed me that our contract has been nullified, and he tasked me with finding a new purpose."
Aether leans backwards, gaze falling to the floor between them. "Okay, that's a lot to take in." He's quiet, fingers fiddling with the edges of the pillow. Eventually, his eyes find Xiao's again. "Is that... a bad thing?"
Xiao bites his tongue, ignoring the question. "...I am unsure how to fulfill his request. He implied that our situations are similar, so I interpreted this to mean he wishes for me to live a mortal life of leisure. I do not know what that entails."
"A life of leisure, huh?" Aether repeats, glancing towards the ceiling in contemplation. "That sounds like spending your time doing what you enjoy."
"Mortals partake in many frivolous activities." Xiao frowns. "I do not see the appeal in wasting my time."
"So you're looking to discover new hobbies to occupy your time that aren't boring or wasteful?" Aether taps his chin with a finger, deep in thought. Xiao sees the moment an idea pops into his head; he lights up and twists to the side, resolutely digging through an invisible inventory. He pulls out a pen and sheet of paper, which he sets on the floor between them, abuzz with energy.
"Xiao," Aether begins, grinning in a way that shows his teeth, "have you ever heard of a bucket list?"
"Bucket list?" Xiao echoes, tasting the words on his tongue. He scoffs. "I do not see the purpose nor the relevancy of a list of buckets."
"No, it's not-" Aether deflates, "okay, I don't know why it's called that. A bucket list is... something mortals make. It's a list of all the things they want to accomplish before they die. We'd have to modify it a bit for our purposes since, you know, you're not dying, but I think this could help." Aether taps the pen against the paper. "You can make a list of things you've always wanted to do but haven't had time for, and we'll go through it and try things out. Maybe that'll help you find how you want to spend your time now."
Aether sets the pen on the floor and rolls it forward with a flick of his finger. It comes to a stop against Xiao's foot. He stares at it for a moment, then hesitantly picks it up.
"Hm... I trust your advice," he says, uncapping the pen. Aether smiles patiently as Xiao brings the pen to the paper.
A second passes. Then two. Then ten. "Xiao," Aether whispers, "your hand is shaking." He leans forwards, covering Xiao's hand with his own. "Are you scared?"
He bristles. "I am not scared of a piece of paper. You have no respect for the Adepti."
"No, not of the paper," Aether says, breathy. "Of wanting."
Xiao blinks then lowers his head. "I..." he sucks a breath through his teeth. "I have not been allowed to want since..." Since the responsibility of protecting Liyue from miasma fell on his shoulders alone? Since he agreed to a never-ending contract, signing his life away for slaughter? Since before Rex Lapis had saved him-when he stole countless dreams, when his brief life of innocence was buried under chains? Xiao settles for, "A long time."
"Hey, I get it," Aether says, squeezing his hand. "You've been fighting for thousands of years and all the sudden you're told you can stop. The... the question of 'what happens now?' - we can figure that out together."
Xiao works his jaw. "I've spent thousands of years following the orders of others. I do not remember how to have a desire of my own."
"Hm... I don't think that's as true as you believe. What about all those times you've eaten my almond tofu despite not needing food? Or... or how you gave me crystalflies just because you thought I'd like them? Or that time I brought you to the Lantern Rite-didn't you stay and watch? All these things weren't necessary to your duty, right?"
He could argue against all of those. The taste of almond tofu quells his engraved addiction to dreams, and Xiao had no use for the crystalflies. And the Lantern Rite-he would never be able to allow himself to enjoy it because if he saw all those smiling faces, the cheerfulness radiating from the harbor, he-
"Mere indulgences," Xiao states, defensive.
"You have time for those now, though. Liyue isn't going to collapse if you spend a few minutes off-duty."
"A life full of these things..." his jaw hardens. "I cannot envision it for myself. I have long accepted that I will never live a peaceful and mundane life."
Aether doesn't respond. After a few seconds, Xiao glances back up; smile plastered across his face, the Traveler's expression oozes melancholy. "Xiao," he whispers, "you're doing it again."
"Doing what?" he asks, just as quiet.
"Backtracking." Aether straightens, eyes level with Xiao's own. "Wasn't it you who said 'even the darkest hearts have room for those they cherish?'"
Xiao glances to the side, bangs falling in front of his eyes. Aether sighs, his free hand fiddling with the seams of the pillow. "Look," he begins, tentative, "I don't want to... overstep. I know I will never comprehend the full scope of what you've been through. But..." he huffs a mirthless laugh, "Xiao, you've spent so long convincing yourself that you're content with your life that you don't even realize you're steeping in your own misery. These good things," he taps a finger against Xiao's knuckles, "you deserve them. You're allowed to have them."
He will never enjoy the Lantern Rite because whenever he hears that bright laughter, the untethered joy in the air, his chest twists with envy. If Xiao allowed himself to want, he would want things that aren't possible-peace, companionship, happiness-and he would crumble under the weight of it, grieving for things that just... weren't attainable for him.
So he accepted it. He accepted that a leisurely life was not meant for him. He accepted that serenity would never be an option. He accepted his destiny to kill and be killed in the line of duty, and he locked away the desire for anything else. Why waste time mourning something he would never have in the first place?
"The life of a Yaksha is one filled with slaughter," Xiao recites, and Aether opens his mouth to argue, but something in Xiao's voice stops him. "I repay my past deeds with bloodshed. If... if I allowed myself to yearn, I would only drown in despondence, wishing for a life that would never be possible. I cannot yet accept that these amenities can stay untainted in my life."
Aether stares down at the floor. Carefully, he unfurls Xiao's hands like the petals of a flower, and he slips his fingers between Xiao's. The pen falls out of Xiao's grasp. When he speaks, sorrow drips from his voice. "Xiao, can I ask you to do something for me?"
"Yes."
"Can I ask you... just... once more." He glances up, and Xiao recognizes the look in his eyes-it's the same look he gives him whenever he's about to shatter everything Xiao has built. "Hope? Don't give up on yourself yet. Keep fighting for a better life. And if it doesn't work out, you can say 'I told you so' and go back to living how you did before, just... please. One more time."
And who is Xiao to deny Aether's warm hands, his sanguine request? When Aether untangles the threads Xiao has stitched himself with, takes away everything that has been forcefully drilled into his being, when he is left with nothing to fall back on-what is Xiao if not persistent and stubborn to a fault? "If there is one thing I know how to do," Xiao says, and the tiny, tiny embers of a smile pull at his lips, "it is how to fight to the bitter end."
Aether laughs, bringing his hands up to cup Xiao's jaw. "I think this is the first time I've been glad you're so stubborn," he says wetly. "Let's write you a bucket list."
Xiao reaches up to circle Aether's wrists. "So be it."