I'd spent an entire week with Voice, doing nothing but listening, nodding, and occasionally saying "okay" since it was easy to do. I didn't want to do anything else, I was too tired (and honestly depressed) to disagree or say much else. I ate what I was given, I drank water when it was brought to me, I did basic hygiene when reminded to do so, and spent the rest of my time staying in bed, either listening to Voice talk or just staring at a wall blankly. I couldn't find the energy or motivation to try to do anything else, I tried a few times but it was too difficult to. I slept for a long time and I'd let my guard down completely within the first few hours of staying with them. They were doing their best to cheer me up, at least I assumed that was what they were doing, and talked to me about my inventions, what I could make next, how I was going to prove my family wrong about me and make them regret how they treated me. It blurred together after a while, it was just the same kinds of speeches over and over. I was pretty sure they were meant to be motivational, but it was difficult to find them inspiring when I'd much rather just curl up in their arms and cry. Speaking of crying, I'd done quite a bit of that as well, not saying anything about how I felt, just letting it all out like they'd told me I could.
"Hello, Donatello." Voice walked in with my breakfast, they were a bit surprised that I was already awake but they weren't going to comment on it, they knew better than to do that. "How are you feeling today?"
"Okay." I took the breakfast and started eating, it wasn't anything exceptional but it wasn't bad either and it was food, so who was I to take note on anything that I didn't like?
"I'm glad to hear that." Voice sat down beside me. "I figured that today, we could work on getting you active again. It might lift your mood to exercise lightly and get out of bed. You don't want to make yourself weak and tired all the time by never doing anything."
"Okay." I nodded, drinking some of the water I was brought. Why did they still want to take care of me? Why were they putting in so much effort? They brought me food, they told me plans of what I should do in the future, and they continued giving me a place to stay. They didn't just leave me, it didn't make sense to me. Why were they the only person that seemed to care and yet they also seemed to be the most threatening person I'd stayed with for long periods of time?
"You're overthinking again, you should stop." Voice patted my head.
"Okay." I leaned into the pats slightly, trying to clear my head. It wasn't easy, thinking was bound to happen when you did nothing but sit mostly silently and listen to someone speak their opinions on your situation. Then, it was just a matter of realizing you're overthinking and then you'd start overthinking about that, then you'd become self aware about it and the cycle continued. Like I was starting to do right there, in fact. I needed to stop thinking so much, but what else was I even supposed to do? Thinking was the only thing I seemed to want to do, it was comforting to let my thoughts flow naturally and having that constantly interrupted by reminders to not overthink was disorienting. But they were right, it wasn't helpful to question anything anyways since I wasn't going to change anything about my situation.
"I'm going to start working on training with you today just to make sure that you get plenty of exercise. Someone your age shouldn't just stay in bed all day and sulk." Voice pulled my metal staff from its spot in the corner and sat it near my bed.
"Okay." I wondered if me saying the same thing over and over was starting to get repetitive, annoying, or irritating at all for them, but they didn't seem to react, so I wasn't going to worry about it too much.
"How does training in an hour sound to you?" Voice leaned a bit closer to me, tilting their head while probably trying to get more of my attention and make me respond more. I couldn't think of any other reason about why they'd continue to talk to me a lot. They weren't going to make much progress with my communication, I didn't want to say much else other than agreeing with them. Doing anything else was difficult and I wanted to take the easy route.
"Okay." I shrugged and finished my breakfast, then sat my plate down and looked at the crumbs that were left behind. I was a lot like the crumbs, brushed off and washed away as useless and unnecessary except by a few people, but either way, it was either being used or being gotten rid of. It wasn't an ideal life, but it was mine and I just had to learn to cope with it, I guessed.
"Alright, I'll get you in an hour then." Voice got up.
"Okay." I nodded and Voice soon left the room, letting me think alone and ponder what I was even doing with my life. Without them being there to constantly remind me not to overthink, I was able to sort through my thoughts a bit more, I didn't care if it wasn't good for me at that point, it was going to drive me insane to not think for much longer. Why did my brothers seem to genuinely care when I left? Why would they react so strongly to me leaving if they didn't? Maybe they meant well but were still toxic to be around, I had no way of knowing since I wasn't them and I wasn't even there with them. They had no idea where I even was, so why would it matter if they cared? They couldn't do a single thing to influence my thinking or get me back, all they could do was sit and wait for my return if I were to ever decide to go back. I wasn't going to, that would be effort and stress that I couldn't handle at that point. It sounded like a much better idea to just go along with whatever Voice thought was best and let them influence how my day went.
But what would happen when Voice wasn't there anymore? Nothing could last forever, they were going to leave one day one way or another, even if it had to be through death. What would I do when someone wasn't there to tell me what I should and shouldn't have been doing? What would I do without my easy way out? I didn't want to have to choose anything for myself, it was too hard at that point and I was exhausted, so exhausted and tired and upset. I didn't want to try anymore, I didn't want to have to even worry about the fact that one day, I'd have to start putting effort into things again. I was going to have to put effort into something in less than an hour, why was that so daunting to me? Depression manifested itself in strange ways, so it could've definitely been that. But I had no way of knowing if it was the depression or something else since I wasn't a mental health professional or a doctor, I was just a weird kid with a knack for science and technology and some brothers who believed too much in my abilities so I'd work harder so they could use them for themselves. What was the point of being smart if it made everything more difficult anyways? Why wasn't I able to be like Mikey, who never had to think about anything as Splinter said? Why did I have to be the smart son? Why couldn't it have been Leo? He was such a know it all and always liked to act like he was smarter than everyone else, why couldn't he have been the smart one so that confidence wouldn't have been misplaced? It would've been far less annoying if he was actually smart enough to guide us through missions.
I never even got credit for all of the work I did on missions, the credit for coming up with plans was always given to Leo since he was the leader, the credit for causing a lot of destruction and getting through battles with ease was given to Raph since he was the violent sibling, and all the credit for creating distractions and diversions was given to Mikey because he was often told he was distracting or the bait. It didn't matter how hard I worked, it wasn't ever going to be enough to make them happy with me anyways. Mikey was starting to get the hang of things in my lab, he was getting smarter than the other two in that aspect, but it was at the expense of my own belongings being used when he wasn't the one that had to replenish my supply of chemicals and materials. If he wanted it so bad, he could have it all, he could be the smart guy of the house. I didn't care, it was exhausting to be smart and I hated the fact that no one seemed to acknowledge it. Only Voice seemed to understand how I felt and care that I was struggling, I wanted them to come back and hug me again but I didn't know how to even ask. I got up and picked up my metal staff as it got closer to the time we agreed upon to train, I was probably going to have to put in way more effort than I wanted to, but it was for my own good and Voice said so.
"Hey, it's time to train." Voice walked in and looked at me.
"Okay." I nodded, holding onto my staff and looking at them. They seemed a little different, but I wasn't going to say anything or point it out.
"Follow me." Voice started walking, and I followed them silently. I didn't even have to respond other than following, so I didn't waste my breath. They brought me to a room that looked a bit like a gym, it had different things set up for various exercises. "The first thing I want you to work on is stretches, you need to warm up before you can do anything else."
"Okay." I started stretching, doing what I'd had to teach myself when I realized that Splinter didn't think it was necessary to teach me how to stretch when everyone else understood.
"Now, get ready." Voice got into a fighting stance. "I'll take offense, you take defense. Then, we'll switch once I'm sure that you've got the hang of defense."
"Okay." I didn't really want to work on defense, but if Voice wanted me to, it was easier to go ahead and agree than it was to argue with them for a while only to give in anyways. As they suddenly lunged forwards towards me, I started spinning my staff, using it as a shield like I did in normal combat. They were able to stop it by grabbing it, which should've hurt. They didn't react to it at all and they hit me straight in the face, then knocked me backwards into the wall.
"You need to try harder than that, keep an eye on your enemy and try to predict their next move. Relying on one solution alone will always make you lose." Voice folded their arms and shook their head in disappointment. It hurt to see them reacting like that towards my performance.
"Okay." I got up, then took a deep breath, I knew it was a bad idea to agree to training. It was stupid of me to think I could do this at all, I just didn't want to have to try my hand at arguing when I knew I wouldn't win.
"Again." Voice suddenly lunged at me after getting a reasonable distance away, they went to do the same thing they did before. I caught their fist, then hit them in the stomach with my knee before pushing them pretty far with my foot, using my staff as a second leg to balance on just in case. "That's better, but we're only getting started." they cracked their neck and lunged at me again, this time much faster. They grabbed me and started actually giving it their all. I was no match for them, I was barely even a punching bag with how horribly I was doing, especially since I was already feeling depressed. "That's just sad, Donatello, I expected more out of you. Go rest up, we'll try again when you're ready to be useful."
"Okay." I looked down and went back to my room. I was covered in bruises, it was my own fault, I should've defended myself better. They seemed to care so much, but it was starting to feel toxic again, it felt like training with Splinter but if he hadn't cared how much I got hurt at all. I wasn't going to make a bit deal out of it though, why would I? It would just make me ungrateful for everything they'd done for me.