What is it about nights that make your mind wander? What is it about them? Is it the silence, that gives room for thoughts to speak? Is the tranquillity too much, that we feel the need to disturb it in some way, perhaps by thinking instead of sleeping? Night seems to be the perfect time to take your thoughts on a romantic walk.
This night wasn't any different and all Kai could do was let out a deep breath as he allowed his thoughts to go on said walk.
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It was ages ago when it first started. Up until that moment, he didn't know many people. Nya was most of the time the only person he's spoken to, so, of course it was a weird feeling when he met the other three guys. He wasn't one to socialize, especially with some random guys that just attacked him. But there was just something about Cole. Maybe the way he was showing off, Kai couldn't not laugh.
Which resulted in getting a scythe pressed against his neck.
It's not like Kai liked it, but along with the look in Cole's eyes and his voice, something about the guy intrigued him. And at that time he was not able to place it. He just knew he was more careful around him from that time.
And little by little, there were more and more puzzle pieces.
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It's okay, I just don't like physical touch, he told himself countless times and yet it never stopped being a lie. Nya and him hugged all the time, he always kissed her good night when she was little, he stroke her back when she wasn't in a good mood. And he didn't mind when she did the same, it felt nice and Kai liked it. Actually, he seeks it out quite frequently.
So, I don't know them well enough, that makes sense. Nya is my sister, that's a difference, right? he tried telling himself instead when the previous statement had to be admitted false. Unfortunately for him, even that slowly faded from truth to false. As he and the guys worked together and spent time together, he simply had to consider them as his closest friends, nay, brothers, because they were. This left him miserable afterwards because he could not understand what was it about Cole that always made him flinch when they touched but he also always wanted more.
Kai couldn't put a finger on it which was as if it planted a seed of frustration that grew and grew and grew. Not a great addition to his already pretty impulsive and explosive temper, accompanied by a severe case of hot-headedness with a big pinch of stubbornness. And it sprouted.
There was no explanation for what he did that day. None. He was simply overwhelmed with emotions and that particular day was pretty exhausting.
What was most fresh in his mind were loud cheers and applause and then Cole in his arms. Maybe he got a little carried away or maybe his friend turned into a magnet because he couldn't let go just like that. It felt nice and he was so happy and proud of Cole and his body did whatever it wanted and the voice of his consciousness was lost in the noise.
To be honest, that whole ordeal left him sleepless afterwards. He knew that Cole was bothered by his complicated relationship with his dad and he couldn't stand watching him suffer like that. Usually, whenever he went to touch Cole, there was some voice whispering. What, he couldn't say, it wasn't really comprehensible, but he knew it was there. That time, however, it was muted. All he saw was Cole feeling troubled and all he felt was the need to comfort him.
It was after that competition that Kai realised his odd fascination with Cole had some mysterious aftertaste and he couldn't decide whether or not he liked it.
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Not so long after that, he, and apparently almost everyone else, noticed a strange habit they developed. One that fed the ground where the seed was sprouting and growing. They just simply had to touch each other all the time, didn't they? It was sick. It was an illness.
At first, it was nothing uncommon. Holding hands when they needed to, patting each other's backs and shoulders in support, hugging when excited or when they needed comfort. Common stuff. Completely normal. Yet, slowly and surely it became to escalate. It wasn't occasional anymore. It was all the time. For example, holding hands under the table was a thing reserved for bad days until it wasn't. They just did it whenever they had the chance, simply, because it felt nice and it became sort of a tradition.
And in secret need to have closer to Cole, Kai offered to give him a massage. Once because he complained about back pain after some not-so-pretty fight, all of the times after that it was purely out of the unexplainable need to touch him.
And they hugged. A lot. Like whenever they had the opportunity kind of a lot. Whenever they reunited – even if they got separated to go to the town while the other stayed at the monastery. Or whenever there was good news, not great or wonderful news, just good news, like when Zane was cooking dinner. After that, they started hugging without any reason. They could, why not do it? It felt nice and neither one of them was able of denying it.
After Cole caught him in the middle of his hair routine, weekly self-care days also appeared on a regular schedule. Sure, it was nice to spend time together and catch up or maybe not talk at all when they didn't feel like it, but also feeling Cole's fingers brush through his hair was the most relaxing thing ever. That was their secret and it just made it better.
Probably the first and the most frequent thing was leaning on the other's shoulder. That one was constant. Didn't know what to do with your hands? Just put it on the other's shoulder. Tired of standing still? Just lean on the other's shoulder. Want to make the other shut up so you can speak? the answer is right there. It was automatic and every time Kai caught himself doing it, the seed got a boost in its growth.
Whenever the seed grew too much and Kai wasn't able to handle it anymore, he allowed himself to let it out. Only in his room, behind the locked doors, making sure no one would catch him. Because if someone did, how would he explain it? There was no explanation. Hence, why he needed to get new pillows all the time.
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Comfort. Cole was radiating an unbelievable amount of comfort. Something about him made Kai feel safe and he couldn't get enough of it because it was one of the nicest feelings. Maybe it was his sweet smile, maybe it were the kind words he knew exactly when to use, maybe it was the way he pretended to be strong no matter what and even though Kai knew it wasn't always real, it reassured people around him.
There were times when Kai remembered the whole ordeal with Aspheera and had to make sure his powers were still intact. Fire defined him and who would Kai be without fire? Nobody. He would be a nobody. Just the mere thought made his throat tighten and his breath hitch.
Losing his powers was one of the worst experiences because it made him feel completely useless and he hated his entire being. It was a huge relief when he managed to light that fire but it was also super exhausting. Kai could feel himself wobble on the line of consciousness but that didn't manage to rob him of the feeling when Cole held him in his arms.
To this day he replays that moment in his head over and over and he would like to imagine it was that moment when he realised what he felt towards Cole, but it wasn't. However, if anything, from that moment on, he knew nobody could equal Cole in some shape or form. Cole was one of a kind.
Kai fell asleep several times with a smile on his lips when he thought about it. He was a wreck back then and it wasn't the part of life he liked to think about but that one tiny memory was an exception. The way he was proud of him was touching, it was so heart-warming, it got him close to tears. He was proud of him, he helped the people and his powers were back. He was a wreck.
He was a wreck, but Cole was next to him, grinning brightly, holding his body so tenderly, as if he was some sort of treasure. If anything, that memory was treasure in Kai's mind.
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Curiously, the moment he realised he was in love with Cole was the one moment he was robbed of the possibility to touch him. It was when Cole turned into a ghost. Perhaps that was why, perhaps the fact, that Cole was only halfway there made him realise the true nature of his feelings. Similar are situation when you realise what you lost when you lose it. Except Kai lost only the physical version of Cole. Guess that could be considered luck.
Yeah, they had a little... disagreement... but that didn't make him turn his back towards the earth ninja. How could he? That was the time he needed any kind of support the most and while it was true Kai was not able to touch him, he still could use his words. So he did.
Yet, Kai could feel the sting of guilt when he was ecstatic to hug Cole after he turned back. Wasn't it himself that told the poor ghost of his friend that it's okay? Only to feel joyous to have him back in his regular form. But Cole never mentioned it and neither did Kai.
"Could you just leave me alone? I can't stand looking at you right now."
"Cole, I'm–"
"Kai. I seriously don't want to look at something I'm not anymore. Just go."
It was when his fingers brushed through the cold air that Kai realised he was in love with his fellow ninja, Cole Brookstone.
But he swallowed it back and vehemently ignored any indication of such feelings.
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Unfortunately for him, the phrase, "well, that didn't last long," couldn't be used on his situation. The thing is, it did last long. Kai's ignorance of his mysterious and confusing feelings lasted for literal years. Years of swallowing back words and emotions.
Years of pretending, but also years of panicking at the smallest things.
Sure, they were stuck in a video game and there was a dancing competition and Cole just tried to use his knowledge to help Jay and Nya, however, he could've given Kai a simple warning before he took him like that! Jumping into a pool of ice-cold water would be less shocking!
And Kai reacted swiftly – he punched Cole's arms, demanding to be let go of. That was smart, right? Clearly, no one would suspect anything, anything at all. Not like there was anything to suspect.
Even though it was such a short moment, it left him breathless for quite a while.
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Funny thing – a spilt salt shaker was when he finally lost it. That was the point where the entire act ended. the curtain fell and it was over because of a stupid salt shaker. How absurd.
"Hey, Kai, could you pass the salt, please?" A simple request, normally Kai would pay barely any attention to it, but this was Cole asking and suddenly he was aware of everything he was doing. Every single breath he took, every single second that had passed was more important than anything. Can't afford to make a wrong move, correct?
"Sure." Kai took the salt shaker nearby and turned to Cole to give it to him. So, logically, Cole reached for it to take it from him. A thing anyone would expect, yet Kai didn't really count on it. Cole's fingers brushed against his. A totally normal thing that would happen, so why did panic explode inside of him? With a sharp inhale he let go of the salt, but since Cole didn't have a grip on it yet, it fell on the table and spilled its contents, even the ground was white and faintly shimmering. The sound of the shaker hitting the table replayed in kai's mind a few more times afterwards.
"Oh shit, sorry," he breathed out, ignoring the tingling of his fingers. The bustle around the table that ensued afterwards was a blur to him, the only thing on his mind was the apparent electric shock he just experienced.
It was nothing, accidents happen, things like that happen. But Kai couldn't take it, so, he got up and rushed out of the dining room, paying zero attention to the voices calling his name.
His breath shook. It was ludicrous how much it shook, considering it was barely anything that happened. They were more intimate in the past, so why did this make him chicken out like that?
What certainly didn't help was when Cole came to his room to check up on him. Then again, the story would probably be a few words longer.
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Kai sighed, and then there was a shuffle and an arm was placed over him. A smile crept on his lips and he let it be there. Not only was there no one to see him, but he wanted to show it off anyway. Cole's warm breath tickled the back of his neck in an even rhythm. He took Cole's hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed it.
Sleepovers were also a thing they used to do, but after years he could finally allow himself to relax. There was nothing left to be held back.
"I love you, rocky."
A raspy murmur tickled him. "You too. But le's jus' sleep now, 'kay?"
And with a last glance to the glistening luna, that was watching over them, he closed his eyes and at last, freed from the heavy bonds of thought, went to sleep in Cole's protecting arms.
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good night.
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